How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  And so after a few days of intensive learning Eric was ready to begin his mission. All the pieces of the jigsaw were in place.

  Eric was ready to save the Earth.

  Part Two…

  Fem

  Chapter One – The Journey

  Eric had encountered the first of the ‘not so small prices’ he had to pay on his mission and he wasn’t happy.

  “Ar, howay, man! Can you not go any closer?” he moaned. Jixyl and Azleev had flown him to Pokar Dix and had bypassed the planetary security systems without any problems whatsoever. Now though, they had reached a point approximately ten miles away from the city of S3[44] and were refusing to go any closer.

  “If we go any closer there’s a good chance we’ll get spotted and ruin the mission before it’s even started,” Azleev explained, “so this is as far as we can safely go.”

  “I know but I mean … ten miles! Like … howay! Ten miles! Flip! That’s, like … miles!” Eric whinged. “Literally!” What made it worse was that Eric would have to walk the ten miles into the city centre and it was a very hot morning on Pokar Dix. “Ar, I can’t believe I’ve got to walk ten miles! First it was having to go four hours without food and now this! It’s just one nightmare after another!”

  “I thought you were fit,” Jixyl replied.

  “I am but I normally only exercise at the gym,” Eric explained. “I don’t exercise in real life.”

  “Well we’re sorry but there’s no alternative,” Jixyl shrugged.

  Just then Eric had a thought. “You know what? Back on Earth I’m quite stupid,” he remarked.

  “You’re quite stupid everywhere,” Jixyl joked. At least, Eric assumed he was joking.

  “No, but what I mean is that I pay money to go the gym. And then when I want to travel somewhere I pay money to use the metro,” Eric explained. “But what I should just do is walk or run everywhere for free and then not bother going to the gym. That way I’m saving money twice but I’m still getting plenty exercise.” He nodded his head thoughtfully. “Aye, walking’s the way to go, like.”

  “Aye, well you can start now by walking to S3,” Jixyl remarked.

  “Hmm … I was thinking more along the lines of implementing my new idea in more of an Earth-based environment,” Eric replied.

  “Look, would you rather walk ten miles or would you rather jeopardise the mission and risk letting your entire race get destroyed by the Femlings?” Jixyl questioned, not beating around the bush.

  “Hmm…” Eric pondered, as he considered the options for a moment. “I’d rather yous had invented some clever teleporting device.”

  “Well sorry but we haven’t,” Jixyl stated. “Teleportation doesn’t exist in real life. It’s impossible.”

  “And we’ve already explained that the light refraction displacement shield that makes our spaceship invisible only works at over twenty metres,” Azleev added. “If we go any closer to suburbia there’ll be too many people about to ensure the twenty metre safety zone.”

  “Well how come you land on Whitley Bay Beach, then?” Eric asked. “I mean, like, fair enough … it’s usually quiet on a night-time but there could still easily be some random dude out walking his dog.”

  “If the spaceship gets spotted on a non-contact planet by a one-off random bloke walking his dog it’s not a problem,” Azleev explained. “All that happens is that everyone thinks the bloke that saw the spaceship is mental and no-one believes him. But if we get caught on a contact planet that’s a completely different matter entirely.”

  “Aye, I suppose,” Eric reluctantly conceded. “Ar, what a gutter. These shoes are rubbish as well.”

  “Don’t worry. We’ve said you can buy some trendy ones once you get to Fem,” Jixyl reminded him.

  “What a cheek! These are trendy!” Eric retorted. “I meant they’re rubbish for walking in, man. Not for fashion, you fool! Just walking.”

  “Look, I’m sorry saving the Earth isn’t the luxurious bed of roses you expected it to be but there’s nothing we can do about it,” Jixyl declared. “Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. You’re just gonna have to walk the ten miles. There’s no other way.”

  “Ar, gutter,” Eric grumbled.

  “Anyway, this is it,” Azleev remarked. “This is the start of your mission. Good luck and all that.”

  “Cheers,” Eric thanked.

  “And remember, it’s a covert mission,” Jixyl commented. “So don’t go blabbing your mouth off.”

  “I know,” Eric replied. “I’m not stupid.”

  “Time will be the judge of that,” Jixyl joked.

  “Cheeky git,” Eric muttered, with a smirk on his face.

  “We know you’re not stupid,” Azleev acknowledged[45]. “But there’s no harm in reminding you how important it is to keep things undercover.”

  “Here, man! Do you think once I get to Fem I’m gonna go round saying, ‘Hi! My name’s Eric and I’m here to kill yous all out of self-defence?’” Eric exclaimed, quite tetchily. “Nar. Course I’m not. Don’t worry, I’ve grasped the concept of the need for covertness.”

  “Like I said, we know you’re not stupid,” Azleev soothed. “But remember … the Femlings want to destroy all life from your planet and you’re going to be mixing with them and hanging out with them day after day. It’s only natural that you’re going to feel some anger towards them. All we’re saying is that there’ll be times when you want to tell them exactly what you think of them and that’s the times when you’re going to be tested to the limit. But that’s the times when you need to just bite your tongue and remember that the success of the mission depends on you bluffing yourself off as a Femling.”

  “I know, man!” Eric snapped. “Here, man! What d’you think I’ve spent the last nine days swotting up on?”

  “As long as you realise that the safest course of action is to avoid all mention of the ‘Quality Of Life’ proposal while you’re on Fem,” Azleev advised. “That’s all we’re saying.”

  “Yeah, if they pick up on your vibes and suss that you’re not quite as emphatically in favour of it as everyone else then it might blow your cover,” Jixyl added.

  “Right, well I’ll dwell upon that fact while I’m walking the ten miles to S3 thanks to your inability to invent a suitable teleportation alternative,” Eric moaned, sarcastically.

  Jixyl smirked. “I’m sorry but unfortunately we’re tied by the laws of physics,” he shrugged, apologetically.

  “Well, I’ll let you off this once,” Eric joked, “but don’t let it happen again.” He looked down once again at his inappropriate footwear. “Ar, gutter! My feet are gonna be blistered to bits after this, like.”

  And so as Eric made his ten mile journey to S3 his words proved to be correct. By the time he arrived two and a half hours later his feet were very sore and very blistered thanks to his trendy but ‘rubbish for walking in’ footwear.

  On arrival he sat down for ten minutes to allow himself time to recover and then got out his mobile phone and brought up a map of S3 in order to find the nearest bank.

  Setting up a credit account proved to be more like going through immigration in America than opening a bank account. He had his retinas scanned, his fingerprints analysed and his fake passport inspected, thankfully without the cashier spotting that it was a fake. It was a pretty streamlined process though, and within a matter of a few minutes Eric’s new credit account was set-up and ready to use.

  “And who do you buy your travel insurance with?” the cashier asked, as she handed him back his passport.

  “How did you know I was going travelling?” Eric questioned, feeling slightly paranoid that his behaviour had somehow alerted the cashier to his mission.

  “I didn’t,” the cashier replied, “but we’ve got a special offer on travel insurance at the moment that we’re offering to all our customers.”

  “Ar, right,” Eric remarked, as a smile of relief spread across his face. He then realised that as far as he knew he d
idn’t actually have any travel insurance for his forthcoming trip to Fem. “Ee, flip! I’ve just realised! I haven’t actually got any travel insurance and I’m going on holiday soon.”

  “Well you’re in luck cos we’ve got twenty five percent off all our rates at the moment,” the cashier revealed, her eyes lighting up as she sensed a potential sale.

  Eric though, thought it was wise to consult Jixyl and Azleev before making a decision. “Em, I’ll have to think about it,” he stalled.

  “Well I’ll give you a leaflet anyway,” the cashier replied, handing him a leaflet. “And here’s also another leaflet about your new credit account.”

  Eric couldn’t help noticing that the leaflet regarding his new credit account listed details of the interest rate he would receive to ten decimal places. He also couldn’t help noticing that every second or so the rate changed right before his eyes. This was obviously some clever technology incorporated into the leaflet to ensure the information it provided was right up-to-date.

  “Ee, that’s clever, like,” Eric praised, as he watched the digits change.

  “What is?” the cashier inquired. The constantly updated leaflet was obviously old hat to her.

  Eric looked up quickly at the cashier with another pang of paranoia in his eyes. “Ar, em … not clever. I meant, what’s that other word again?” he mumbled. “Informative! Aye, that’s what I meant. Not clever. Informative. I’m always getting those two words muddled up.” And he quickly hurried out of the bank.

  Eric then typed out the following message on his mobile phone:[46]

  ‘I’ve just thought, do you reckon I’ll need travel insurance? Just cos there’s a special offer on at Blaxleys Bank at the moment for 25% off.’

  Jixyl replied almost instantly:

  ‘Here man, you fool. I expected it to be important, not some daft question about travel insurance.’

  Azleev’s response was more helpful, however:

  ‘You don’t need to worry about travel insurance. If anything gets lost or stolen just buy a replacement and we’ll top up your credit account.’

  Eric typed back:

  ‘What if I have an accident, though?’

  Azleev replied:

  ‘If the Femlings were ever to analyse your blood they’d realise that you weren’t a Femling and you’d be in big trouble. So try not to have an accident. At least, not a major one requiring surgery or a blood transfusion or any major surgical procedure.’

  Eric didn’t like the sound of that. There seemed to be more and more drawbacks to the mission with every day that passed. A few seconds later a further text message arrived:

  ‘But if you do ever need minor treatment of some sort then you don’t need travel insurance in any case because your fake Femling passport entitles you to free medical benefits as a citizen of Fem. But always check with me first to see whether the treatment you need is D.N.A. traceable.’

  Eric decided it was probably a good idea never to get injured.

  Now that he’d cleared up the travel insurance dilemma he decided to focus on the more important issue of getting his credit account topped up with funds. So he texted Jixyl and Azleev his account details and within minutes enough funds were in his account to pay for his flight to Fem and last him a couple of weeks beyond that.

  The next step was to catch a magnapod to the S3 Galactic Spaceport which was the biggest and busiest spaceport on Pokar Dix and the main reason why S3 had been chosen as the drop-off city for Eric.

  Once inside the magnapod station Eric remembered that the section of his research he did on magnapods taught him that there was no need for tickets. All you did was walk up to the barriers, look into the camera to get your retina scanned, and the barriers would automatically open for you. Then at the other end of your journey you repeated the process and the relevant funds to pay for your journey were automatically deducted from your credit account.

  Eric found the journey itself pretty spectacular. You were strapped into your seat and then a burst of ultra-high energy magnetism fired the pod down a chute to its destination, which for a local journey took literally a matter of seconds. Magnapod networks built in cities tended to be built underground due to the clutter of buildings and other man-made structures above ground, but there were also magnapods linking distant cities and these were generally built above ground. The view, however, was no more interesting as the speed of the journey ensured that everything was a blur.

  As Eric emerged from the magnapod station into the spaceport at the other end of his journey he couldn’t help thinking that the whole experience had been more like a fairground ride than a means of transport.

  Once at the spaceport he was lucky enough to get himself a ticket for a shuttle to Fem leaving in two hours’ time. However, before passing through customs and immigration he made a quick visit to the toilet to swallow one of the midenhydrinate tablets Jixyl and Azleev had given him to help him relax and stay calm. This was to ensure he would be perfectly relaxed and therefore not arouse suspicion when completing the departure formalities.

  And the tablet worked perfectly. As did the fake passport. So minutes later Eric found himself sitting in the waiting area of the S3 Galactic Spaceport.

  ‘Flip!’ he thought to himself, and you might think he was pondering on the amazingness of being on another planet waiting to board a shuttle to the fourth planet he would have stepped foot on in only a few days. But what he was actually thinking was, ‘Flip! Hey, this tablet’s canny pleasant, like! Hey, it’s a good job they only gave uz a few otherwise I could easily see myself getting addicted to these, like.’

  After a few minutes of enjoying the tablet Eric decided to have a wander around the shops and cafes and discovered that the cafes were just as over-priced as the airport cafes back on Earth.

  Before long though, it was time to board his shuttle and as he sat down in his seat, this time he was pondering upon the amazingness of the moment.

  ‘Flip! In a few hours’ time I’ll be on my third planet in only a couple of weeks!’ he thought to himself. ‘In fact, my fourth planet if you include Earth … which I suppose I probably should seeing as how Earth is a planet as well, like.’

  As his fellow passengers boarded the shuttle and took their seats however, Eric’s excitement became tinged with a slight hint of disappointment.

  ‘Gutter! There’s no wookies or jawas or nothing,’ he thought to himself. In his naivety regarding the rest of the galaxy, Eric had been half-hoping that his flight would be filled with Star Wars type aliens, but it turned out that all the other passengers looked pretty much like himself. There were a few minor differences, for example, one family a few rows in front of him had pointier ears than you would ever see on Earth, and there were also a few skin tones that you wouldn’t see on Earth, but overall everyone was pretty much human-esque in appearance.

  ‘Pity. It would have been cool to have met a wookie,’ Eric thought to himself. ‘Even a jawa would have been good.’ He then had second thoughts, though. ‘Ar, nar. Actually, I remember reading once that jawas totally stink, so it’s probably for the best that there’s no jawas.’

  The woman that sat next to Eric during the flight had undoubtedly the worst acne he had ever seen in his life. In fact it was so bad that he concluded that it must be something specific to her species, because he couldn’t imagine that it was physically possible for a human from Earth to get acne that bad.

  He found himself subtly glancing at the woman for the first few minutes of the flight, but then she turned to look questioningly in his direction so he quickly turned away and pretended to be massively fascinated by the cup holder on the back of the head rest in front of him. After that he decided not to concern himself with the acne of the woman sat beside him and spent the rest of the journey enjoying the in-flight entertainment system.

  He was pleased to discover that the video games were amazing. Far in advance of anything Eric had ever experienced on Earth, but it has to be said he was extremely d
isappointed with the poor standard of music on offer.

  ‘Hey, if this is what music’s like in the rest of the galaxy then I’m glad I was born on Earth, like,’ he thought to himself.

  Usually Eric preferred an aisle seat, but on this occasion he had specifically requested a window seat, as he figured the chance to gaze out on the stars was too good an opportunity to waste. However, throughout the journey he was somewhat disappointed with the view from the window as the stars looked pretty much like they did on Earth. Brighter perhaps, but not particularly impressive, and Eric was half-regretting not going for the aisle seat.

  As they approached Fem though, and began the descent into its atmosphere, he realised he had made the right choice. The descents onto Fyra and Pokar Dix had been impressive, but Fem reminded Eric of Earth with its blue oceans and green land masses, and for some reason that made this descent even more impressive.

  ‘Flip! This is class, like!’ he thought to himself, as a big smile beamed from his face. ‘I’m almost even a little bit glad the Femlings decided to be crazy radjee planetocidal maniacs, cos if they hadn’t then I wouldn’t have got to experience all this.’ This was a blatant case of self-deceit because Eric clearly wasn’t a little bit glad. He was a lot glad. He was absolutely loving his adventure so far. In fact as he stepped off the shuttle and headed towards customs and immigration he noticed that his cheeks were sore from smiling too much.

  ‘I’d better tone my smile down a little bit,’ he thought to himself, ‘just in case immigration think I’m a daft simpleton.’ He adjusted the degree of his smile to a more chilled out level. ‘Actually … no. There’s no law against simpletons going through immigration,’ he thought to himself, and he let his smile expand once again to its natural cheek pain inducing level. ‘Although, actually … I don’t know the law on Fem so mebbees they might have anti-simpleton laws here.’ He suppressed his smile once again.