How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  So he started kissing the lass that wore too much make-up once again, but this time even more enthusiastically. Almost, you could say, a little theatrically. And during the next break he then casually glanced over in the direction of Elskar, in a way that was meant to suggest that he hadn’t even noticed her. Unfortunately for Eric, Elskar didn’t even notice him because she was too busy kissing the dude she had recently just met, albeit not quite as theatrically as Eric had performed his kiss.

  And then unfortunately for Eric, it became obvious by the change in the lass who wore too much make-up’s body language, and also by the way she turned away from him and leaned against the bar, that she was now in the mood for an extended break. Eric actually wasn’t too bothered about the break in kissing in itself, but he was extremely bothered about proving to Elskar that he wasn’t that fussed about her after all, so if the lass who wore too much make-up was done with snogging for the time being then that presented a problem.

  But somehow Eric now found himself with a new found confidence. ‘Well, I’ve definitely got a magic banana,’ he told himself. A magic banana wasn’t an actual real banana. It was simply a fictitious device that Eric, Monty and Garth referred to which meant you were going through an unfeasibly excellent period of success with lasses. It wasn’t an actual real banana. It was just an expression. An expression to describe one of those rare but much sought after periods where you just seem to get opportunity after opportunity.

  Truth be told, Eric had never actually owned a full-on magic banana before. He had had a couple of spells which were better than his usual low average, but nothing intense enough to merit the term ‘magic banana.’ But the events of the last two nights suggested to him that he was now quite possibly the proud owner of a freshly delivered magic banana. So if the lass that wore too much make-up was all snogged out then Eric would just have to find a different lass.

  “Ar, I, er … think I’m gonna quickly nip back to my room,” he announced. “Just cos my eye’s really sore so I think I might give it a quick rinse with my eye drops.” Strictly speaking this wasn’t entirely true. In fact it was a complete lie. Basically, what Eric was planning on doing was giving the lass with too much make-up the slip so he could find some other lass to try it on with. “Are you just gonna be hanging around here, are you?” Eric asked.

  “I might as well come with you,” the fit lass with too much make-up replied.

  ‘Man!’ Eric thought to himself. ‘That spoils my plans.’ “Ar, it’s alright. I’ll only be a couple of minutes if you’d rather just wait here,” he suggested.

  “Actually I think I’d rather go with you to your room, rather than just wait here on my own,” the fit lass with too much make-up responded.

  ‘Man, how can I shake her off?’ Eric thought to himself.

  But then just in the nick of time he had a realisation. ‘Hang on a sec! A fit lass that I’ve just been hornily snogging is wanting to come back to my room with uz and I’m trying to shake her off!?’ Eric suddenly realised that this was perhaps quite possibly the most foolish course of action he had ever attempted to pursue in his entire life. ‘Like … eh!?! What are you doing, man, Eric? You complete chump!’

  “Ar, right … aye. Well I’m just staying at the Sunny Heaven Beach Resort so it’s just up the alleyway,” he remarked, and he was about to lead the way when he noticed that Elskar still wasn’t looking in his direction. By now she had stopped snogging the dude in the novelty t-shirt, but she was facing towards the beach and therefore couldn’t see Eric. “Ar, but hang on, though. I totally love this tune so do you mind if we just wait until the next song before we go?” he requested. The tune that was currently playing was ‘Connect’ by Kel Minky, the recent winner of this year’s Star Maker show, and in actual fact Eric couldn’t stand the song. However, he didn’t want to leave the club until Elskar was looking in his direction so that she would see him heading off towards his hotel room accompanied by a fit lass. So that was why Eric pretended to be a fan of ‘Connect.’ It was totally childish but Eric was very comfortable being childish.

  “Yeah, I like this tune as well,” the fit lass who wore too much make-up agreed, and she started dancing with him. So Eric danced even closer so that they were sort of half-dancing and half-cuddling. ‘This is the perfect ergonomical position to prove to Elskar that I’m totally not fussed about her,’ he thought to himself.

  Then by the time it got to the second chorus Eric noticed Elskar casually glancing in his direction. She was clearly trying to look as if she was just glancing about in general, but in reality she was obviously keeping tabs on Eric. So Eric seized his chance. “Ar actually, my eye’s getting even sorer now, so can we just go now?” And he took the hand of the fit lass that wore too much make-up and led her out of the club towards his hotel, sneakily watched by Elskar.

  A smug grin appeared on Eric’s face. ‘That’ll teach Sveltish Indie Chick to go in the huff with uz over something so totally trivial and insignificant that I don’t even know what it is, and then expect uz to be a mind-reader and just magically know what I’ve done, even though whatever I’ve done is completely minor and unimportant,’ he thought to himself.

  He turned his head to the side and looked at the fit lass with too much make-up. She was smiling as well, although perhaps for different reasons.

  And so, as the tune ‘Connect’ played in the background, the pair of them walked happily back to Eric’s room, smiling.

  Chapter Seventeen – Horniness Without Love Attached

  There was one occasion a few years ago when Eric and Monty had gone to see a wet t-shirt competition and after the contest Monty had remarked that he wasn’t really that great a fan of wet t-shirt competitions because they always left him feeling unsatisfied. Eric had joked that even a five day orgy with four fit Swedish lasses wouldn’t leave him feeling satisfied. In Eric’s opinion a lack of satisfaction was always going to be the inevitable consequence of horniness without love attached.

  He had half said it in jest, but now he was starting to suspect his jokey comment contained a strong element of truth. Because he had just achieved two in two[93] for the first time in his life and yet he still wasn’t satisfied. All he could think of was that this was the perfect opportunity to go for three in two. And two in one for that matter.

  ‘Flip! I’ve done one of my ambitions!’ he thought to himself. ‘Two in two! Yes! Back of the net!’ He smiled a smug smile to himself. ‘And the way things are going I could probably even do three in two if I head back down the beach quickly.’

  But first he had to shake off the lass that wore too much make-up. “What’s your name by the way?” he asked her.

  “Darbie,” the lass with too much make-up, who Eric had now discovered was called Darbie, revealed.

  “Ar, right. I’m Eric,” Eric replied. He was about to say ‘nice to meet you’ but thought that might be a bit inappropriate given the circumstances, so he moved straight onto his strategy of trying to shake her off. “I’m probably gonna head off back down the beach soon to catch the last hour, like. Do you fancy coming or are you heading off?”

  However, Darbie had an alternative suggestion. “Would you not rather stay here and do something else?” she suggested.

  “What like?” Eric inquired.

  Darbie answered Eric’s question with actions rather than words, and it was an answer that greatly appealed to Eric. Truth be told, it was a suggestion that followed a very similar format to what they had just spent the last hour doing, but Eric quickly concluded that certain forms of repetition could be very appealing. And this was one such example. So much so in fact, that he quickly decided that going for three in two was a stupid idea. After all, judging by the form he was in there was every chance he could make it three in three the following night, which was almost as good as three in two. ‘Yeah … best not be greedy,’ he told himself, although truth be told, Darbie’s actions were a significant contributing factor to his lack of greed.

 
And so all thoughts of attempting three in two quickly disappeared from Eric’s head and he instead concentrated on doing ‘something else’ with Darbie.

  Chapter Eighteen – Fear And Theories

  It had now been almost two days since Monty and Garth had created Stella Gascrom as a fake friend for Eric, and yet he had still failed to add her as a friend. Not surprisingly, they were starting to get worried.

  “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s seeing someone,” Garth surmised.

  “Why d’you reckon that, like?” Monty asked.

  “Cos he would have added her by now,” Garth theorised. “Either he hasn’t been into his account or if he has then he clearly isn’t curious to meet up with a fit lass that has allegedly seen him around and wants to meet up. And the only reason why I can think he might possibly not be interested in a fit lass is if he was serious about another lass.”

  “I think it’s more likely that he just hasn’t logged into his A.T.S. for a while,” Monty reasoned. “Remember, he didn’t log in for over a week when he first got to Ko Pagna.”

  “Yeah, but that was when he first arrived,” Garth replied. “Like, the excitement of being in a new place and the novelty of it probably meant that he had better things to do. But he’s been on A.T.S. fairly regular since then … so why would he suddenly stop logging in again?”

  A worried look appeared on Monty’s face. “Unless Jixyl and Azleev have realised that we know the truth so they’ve taken care of Eric before we can warn him.”

  An equally worried expression appeared on Garth’s face. “Shit! You’re probably right!” he agreed.

  Monty then tried to regain his composure. “We’re probably just worrying about nothing. Eric’s probably just been too busy having a good time to worry about his A.T.S. account,” he optimistically suggested.

  “Yeah, that’s probably it,” Garth agreed.

  But no matter how much the pair of them protested, they looked far from convinced.

  Chapter Nineteen – How To Save The Earth

  By now Darbie had headed off leaving Eric alone to reflect on his recent apparent acquisition of a magic banana. He lay on his bed with his hands behind his head feeling smug. A big satisfied grin adorned his face.

  “Yes! Total chuffedness!” he remarked to himself. “Two in two!” One of Eric’s mates had once done four in four, and another had once done six in seven, so Eric’s achievement wasn’t that remarkable, but by his own relatively unambitious expectations he was now in previously unknown territory. He smiled some more. “And … I’ve been with a Sveltish lass as well! Two of my ambitions achieved in two days! What a fluke!” He rubbed his hands together smugly. “Although technically my ambition was actually a Swedish lass, not a Sveltish lass … but it’s virtually the same thing.” And so he spent the next half hour lying there wallowing in his own smugness.

  Gradually though, as is the case with all dudes, the smugness began to evolve into an urge to boast. So he sent Kesta and Hex a text to publicize his achievement:

  ‘Two in two. Proper chuffed, like.’

  He had initially typed out:

  ‘Two in two! Proper chuffed, like!’

  But then decided that he wanted to play it cool and so he substituted his originally over-excitable exclamation marks for more chilled out full stops.

  But telling Kesta and Hex wasn’t enough. The urge to boast was still there, so he then decided to log into his A.T.S. account to inform Monty and Garth of his success. As he picked up his A.T.S. unit he thought to himself, ‘It’s been a while since I last logged in, like.’ It had indeed been a while since he last logged in and Stella Gascrom was still patiently waiting for him to add her as a friend. ‘Ar, yeah. I’d forgot about her, like,’ he thought to himself, as he noticed her friend request on his home page. So he clicked on her photo and re-read her welcome message:

  ‘Hi, I’ve seen you around in Ko Pagna and wanted to say hello but I’m too shy to speak to you so I thought I’d contact you by A.T.S. first. I’d really like to meet up sometime.’

  “Yes! The magic banana continues to work its magic!” Eric exclaimed. So then he clicked on the ‘add as friend’ button.

  And seemingly as soon as he did, within a matter of seconds a new message had arrived in his inbox. So he opened his inbox and discovered that it was from his new friend Stella Gascrom.

  ‘Ar, class! She’s totally keen, like!’ he thought to himself. But his smug sense of self-satisfaction was quickly replaced by altogether more negative thoughts as he opened up her message:

  ‘This is serious. This is not a joke. Read this message then delete it immediately. Then change your password. Then log out then log back in again immediately using your new password. Then send a message to Stella Gascrom to tell me that you’ve acted on my instructions. Do not use her wall. Use private mail. Then await further instructions.

  Your life is at risk if you don’t do exactly what I say. Repeat, this is not a joke.

  Monty.’

  ‘Gutter! That sounds like a bit of a downer, like,’ Eric thought to himself. So he deleted the message and was about to change his password when he suddenly remembered a lush snaky trick Monty had once played on him a few months earlier.

  Monty had sent him a text which went something along the lines of, ‘Dude, can you ring me as soon as possible cos I need an urgent word! My battery is nearly dead though, so use this number…’ But when Eric rang the number it turned out to be a gay advice helpline. Eric acknowledged Monty’s trick by texting back, ‘Nice one,’ to which Monty replied, ‘I didn’t think you’d fall for it cos I thought you’d recognise the number.’

  Anyway, Eric momentarily paused as he considered the possibility that this might be another trick. But then he decided that either way he still had to do what Monty had told him. If he was being serious then his life was at risk so it was essential that he followed Monty’s orders. And if it was a joke then it would probably be a really funny gag so it was worth following Monty’s instructions to see what comedy prank he had lined up.

  So Eric changed his password then logged out then logged back in again. Then he sent the following message to Stella Gascrom:

  ‘Alright, it’s Eric here. So who’s Stella Gascrom, then? She looks canny fit, like. And what’s all that about my life being at risk? Is it a trick? If it’s a trick then saying someone’s life is in danger is crossing the line, like. That’s not how lush snaky tricks work. Saying someone’s life is at risk is past the realms of a lush snaky trick into the realms of being a total snide. But obviously if my life is actually at risk then potentially dying would be a bit of a gutter, like, so obviously the most preferable option will be that hopefully you’ve just not understood the rules of lush snaky tricks properly and this will just be a trick and you’ll have a really funny punch-line lined up.

  Anyway, I’ve done what you said. I’ve changed my password and logged out and logged back in and all that.

  I now await further instructions.

  Hopefully in the form of a funny punch-line.

  Eric.’

  Then he crossed his fingers and hoped that it was nothing more than a misjudged prank on Monty’s part. A few moments later, however, his hopes were savagely cut down as he received the following reply:

  ‘Sorry, there’s no funny punch-line. Prepare yourself for a shock…

  Jixyl and Azleev are total liars. They’ve been stringing you along all this time. The Femlings aren’t planning to kill every living species on Earth after all. Jixyl and Azleev just made that up. In actual fact the Femlings are totally harmless. They’re no danger whatsoever to Earth. Jixyl and Azleev are the mad psychos … not the Femlings. They’ve got some twisted obsession about the Femlings having an extra finger and that’s what this is all about. They’re just hate-filled mentalists to the point of genocidal jealousy. They’re not doing us some big favour to save mankind from obliteration. That was just some patter they made-up. They’re just mad psychos.’

 
; Eric froze. His face was a picture of total shock. “Fuck! I can’t believe I could have been taken in so easily,” he exclaimed. “It’s Mike Ashley[94] all over again!”

  Monty’s message continued:

  ‘So whatever you do, don’t snog any Femling lasses! Cos like I say, the Femlings are totally innocent.’

  Eric suddenly felt numb.

  ‘And you also need to be aware that Jixyl and Azleev have had access to your A.T.S. account since you’ve been on Fem. That’s why we got you to change your password. And that’s why you need to contact me and Garth through our Stella Gascrom account from now on. It’s probably wise that we continue to contact each other through our original accounts as well, acting as if everything’s all peachy-dorey and all that, just so that Jixyl and Azleev don’t get suspicious, but anything confidential has to go through Stella Gascrom.

  And it also might be worth telling them some patter about you using your G.I.N. unit on the beach or something, and you noticed someone hovering about behind you so you changed your password just to be on the safe side. Something like that. Just so they don’t get suspicious and wonder why you’ve changed your password.

  And finally, what you need to do now is think about how you’re gonna get back to Earth. Bearing in mind that Jixyl and Azleev are evil snides that are hoping to exterminate the population of an entire planet which, I suspect, means that they’d also have no qualms whatsoever about killing you as well. So it’s probably not a good idea to ask them for a lift home.