How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  Another similarity is that we both share a love of the game ‘Would You Rather?’ And I also share Eric’s high appreciation of Swedish lasses. Although having said that, my philosophy is that only a fool would limit his options. It’s a bad move to voluntarily limit your choices when we live in a world filled with so many amazing flavours. Which is basically just a fancy way of saying that I’m not really that fussy.

  But the most important opinion I share with Eric is that I also reckon the way to save the world is by being a class parent.[98] I remember when I saw that film with Angelina Jolie in it called Beyond Borders, the main character was obviously meant to be some excellent hero doing her bit to save the world and stuff, but all I could think when I was watching it was, ‘Eh! You’re leaving your kid to go off having adventures around the world! Like … what are you doing!? Your kid should totally come first, you fool!’

  Like, fair enough if single childless people want to go off having adventures around the world, righting wrongs and fighting injustice and stuff, then good on them. High five for people like that, like. They’re class people who I totally respect. But personally, in my opinion the best thing you can possibly do in the world – like, better than anything else – is be an excellent parent. If you’ve got a kid then they obviously have to come first before anything else. Surely that’s just common sense.

  Like, just to stress my point, I know a canny few people who totally put their kid(s) first all the time, so in my eyes they’re blatantly much more better excellent people than Angelina Jolie’s character out of Beyond Borders. My mam and dad obviously are a good example for starters, but I know quite a few other people as well who I totally respect for the way they’re prepared to give up their free time for their kids and make decisions which benefit their kids more than they benefit themselves and just the way they’re just generally excellent parents. Obviously I would never tell anyone to their face cos I’d feel like a proper idiot but anyway, that’s the way I secretly think about some people.

  Having said all this, even though I reckon the way to save the world is by being a class parent, I personally would rather lie on the beach all day and go out partying every night. That’s just cos I’m a selfish snide though, so my chosen lifestyle should in no way detract from the truth of my argument. I’m not arrogant enough to think that my chosen lifestyle is also the most noble and commendable. It’s very enjoyable, but I can recognise that other lifestyles are blatantly more commendable and rewarding than mine.

  Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Sorry for getting all serious and stuff and I’ll try to stick to just writing daft stupid stuff in future.

  Ar, actually … there’s just one more thing that I want to say. For all this is a daft stupid story, I still think it’s a story that a lot of people would probably benefit from reading.

  And quite possibly, the person who would probably benefit more than anyone else … is me.

  Charles Fudgemuffin

  The Thanks Section

  Normally in most books authors usually have a thanks section where they thank loads of people like their agent and their family and friends and stuff. Obviously though, this isn’t a proper best-selling book or anything (less than fifty people have read it so far[99]) so if I had a thanks section I’d just look like a bit of an idiot.

  Not that I mind looking like an idiot if it’s for comedy purposes and people get a laugh out of it. But this wouldn’t really be looking like an idiot in a comedy way. It would just be looking like an idiot in a non-comedy serious gormless sort of a way.

  And I don’t want to look like a non-comedy serious gormless idiot, but at the same time I quite like the idea of coming across as a grateful person so as a sort of a compromise I’m just going to say thanks for reading.

  Like I say, less than fifty people have read this book so far, but when people have read it, it’s a lush buzz to know other people know Eric’s story as well now (or at least the first part of it). So massive thanks for taking the time to read ‘How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy’ by Charles Fudgemuffin. If you enjoyed reading it then I reckon you’ll probably like the rest of the trilogy cos it’s canny similar, like.

  It was actually almost five years ago now when I originally finished writing ‘How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy’[100] so since then I’ve actually finished writing the rest of the trilogy … all six books of it! As it turned out part two of the story ended up being two books long (2A and 2B) and part three ended up being three books long (3A, 3B and 3C), so there are quite a few twists and turns still in store for Eric before he gets to the end of his adventures.

  Anyway, if you enjoyed this first part in the trilogy then there’s a Charles Fudgemuffin facebook page which is worth joining if you want to be kept up-to-date with the latest Charles Fudgemuffin news and future developments in the ‘How To Save The World’ trilogy. Or if you’re not really that interested then it's still worth joining anyway to make me look more popular:

  www.facebook.com/charlesfudgemuffin

  I’m also on twitter as @CFudgemuffin:

  @CFudgemuffin

  And the final way you can stay up to date with all the latest Charles Fudgemuffin news is at the Charles Fudgemuffin blog:

  charlesfudgemuffin.blogspot.com

  And if you did enjoy this book then please let all your mates know that it’s available from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk. There’s even a free sample available to download for people that like to try stuff out first before spending their money.

  Finally, if you did enjoy this book then if you could spare a few minutes to leave a review on the amazon website[101] telling everyone how funny it was then it’d be massively appreciated. If, however, you didn’t really think it was that funny then ideally I’d prefer it if you just kept your opinion to yourself. Or better still … just lie!

  Nar, man. Just joking. I would never condone dishonest literary appraisal. So don’t lie. But hopefully you won’t have to lie cos hopefully you’ll have at least found the occasional bit at least slightly amusing in a moderately okay sort of a way.

  Anyway, I’m waffling now so thanks again for reading and finally, to quote the wise words of Confucius, “He who reads the words which inspire laughter, then encourages others to read those words, that is he who brings delight to the world, and the delight in his own life shall therefore also multiply ... or something.”

  Or perhaps I just made that up.

  Anyway, cheers for reading and if you enjoyed the book then please help spread the word.

  Charles Fudgemuffin

  The Legal Bit

  Technically speaking, you don’t really need a legal bit in a book nowadays cos you get copyright automatically anyway as soon as you write something, but I’m still gonna have a legal bit anyway just to make it look like a real book and stuff. So here goes.

  All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in any way, shape or form without the author’s express permission. Also, you can’t use sneaky tricks to get around this condition like the tricks that Microsoft have used in the past. For example, the time when they charged a massive rip-off fee for a service pack to correct all the mug-ups in one of their versions of Windows which was a bit ropey, and then when people started complaining about the fee they said, ‘Ar, actually we’ve made the service pack free now … but there’s just a small massive rip-off fee to cover our postage and packing.’ No sneaky rip-off tricks like that are allowed.

  To make things absolutely clear, any reproduction of this book (or any part of it) is totally utterly not allowed. Not even a little bit.

  Just to clarify things though, you can obviously download the free sample from the amazon website or the Charles Fudgemuffin blog for personal non-profit related use, i.e. to read it. That’s okay. The copyright bit doesn’t mean you can’t download the free sample obviously. So if you know anyone that might enjoy ‘How To Save The World’ then please encourage them to download the free sample and try it out. Telling your friends
about the book is actively encouraged and massively appreciated. So please help spread the word.

  Anyway, that concludes the legal bit. Thanks for your attention.

  The Blurb

  How To Save The World by Charles Fudgemuffin

  Aliens from the planet Fem have decided that as compassionate citizens of the galaxy they have a duty to alleviate suffering and affliction from the rest of the galaxy.

  In the majority of cases this will involve sharing their unprecedented prosperity and quality of life with those planets less fortunate than themselves. Of course, in a minority of extreme cases this will also involve eliminating life from those planets in the galaxy where the level of suffering is simply too great to alleviate.

  Unfortunately for Earth, the Femlings have deemed us one such planet...

  Quotes

  Here’s what people have said about ‘How To Save The World’ by Charles Fudgemuffin:

  “One of the most amusing books I have ever read…”

  “Don’t usually go for alien or space stuff but highly recommend it.”

  …Pixie Mae

  “I found myself laughing out loud while reading this book.”

  “Each chapter I read I was wanting to read the next to see what happens.”

  “I could even see this book being made into a film and having a cult following akin to the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy.”

  “Very funny book.”

  …happyvibe

  “Class, class, class. Totally mental class.”

  …Matty Hogg

  “…the Geordie humour comes across perfectly…”

  “…a great read.”

  …FWG

  “I read the first 30 or so pages at work and at some points I was laughing out loud…”

  “…anyone who has the slightest sense of humour will enjoy this book!”

  …Alan Bell

  “…yes and my god is the book funny. I’m going to buy Nigel a copy when it eventually gets published. He would love it. ;)”

  “Chapter two was so funny I was trying not to laugh out loud cos Jax was on the phone but I snorted some wine.”

  “My friend Nigel would loooooooooooooove this book. He is the most perverted guy out and totally has a thing about bums…”

  “Chapter four is verrrrrrrrrry funny.”

  “Funny funny…”

  …Johanna Gethin

  “Obviously I cherry picked all the best quotes and left out a couple of comments from boring miserable people. Still though, it’s nice when you spend so long working on a book and then people say nice stuff about it, so thanks everyone who’s said nice stuff.”

  ...Charles Fudgemuffin

  The story continues in…

  Part 2A of the ‘How To Save The World’ trilogy…

  ‘Be Careful What You Wish For’

  Available from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk:

  US: How To Save The World: Part 2A - Be Careful What You Wish For

  UK: How To Save The World: Part 2A - Be Careful What You Wish For

  Followed by Part 2B of the ‘How To Save The World’ trilogy…

  ‘By Whatever Means Necessary’

  Also available from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk:

  US: How To Save The World: Part 2B - By Whatever Means Necessary

  UK: How To Save The World: Part 2B - By Whatever Means Necessary

  * * *

  [1] An exaggeratedly named hill in The Lake District.

  [2] Eric had done a fair bit of travelling so many of his stories and recollections related to events and occurrences in various parts of the world.

  [3] Like 94.2% of all statistics, Eric had just approximated these figures off the top of his head, so for the purposes of accuracy here’s a more precise quote, “Malaria kills more than a million people worldwide each year – ninety percent of them in Africa; seventy percent children under the age of five.” National Geographic News, 12 June 2003, reporting on a study by two United Nations agencies: the World Health Organization (WHO) and the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF).

  [4] The Full Moon Party is a party held every full moon (surprisingly enough) on Haad Rin Beach in Thailand which attracts thousands of fun-loving backpackers from all over the world.

  [5] Sparring style, i.e. the way a boxer would dance around the ring. He wasn’t planning on doing a waltz.

  [6] In case you’re wondering why Eric knew a bit of Japanese and Swedish then stay patient … all will be revealed in due course.

  [7] A planet that was yet to reach a technological level capable of making contact with the other more advanced planets in the galaxy.

  [8] This was a blip of G.O.T. A solar year on the aliens’ planet was 389 days so when Jixyl referred to three solar years on his own planet, it didn't translate very well. Fortunately though, Azleev had his G.O.T. set to eight decimal places otherwise Eric could have been there all day (or rather, all 1.16338639 days, given that a solar day on the alien’s planet lasted for 27.92127341 Earth hours).

  [9] Don’t ask what happened to G.O.T. 1.7. Some clever marketing executive probably thought 1.8 had a better ring to it.

  [10] As most people will be aware, if you send a text from a mobile phone to a land-line in England, the text message will be read out in a robotic monotone voice to the person who owns the land-line. This is actually quite a useful service, when people use it responsibly and don’t abuse it by playing daft comedy gags.

  But if the telephone companies in England showed any motivation whatsoever for cracking down on premium rate scams, then pranks like this wouldn’t work in any case because everyone would know that you can’t be charged for unsolicited messages. Unfortunately however, premium rate scams do exist in England and telephone companies attitude to these scams seems to be ‘There’s nothing we can do about it this time but we’ll put a block on your phone so you can’t get scammed again’ rather than ‘Right, we’ll trace the number of the individual that sent you the message then trace their company offices and ensure that the company gets closed down and the culprit gets put in jail,’ which would be the attitude of any responsible company which correctly regarded phone fraud as the preventable scourge upon society that it is.

  [11] More will be explained about this ‘triple letter’ remark in due course.

  [12] Or drink flying in this case, to be more accurate.

  [13] One of the few remaining spaceships on the market with a less than hundred percent reliability record.

  [14] Bernie Ecclestone, the man who owns the TV rights for formula 1 and generally makes all of his decisions based on profit, rather than a love of formula 1. In his defence though, if the teams were stupid enough to sign a document giving him excessive power, as well as half the profits from TV deals, then you can’t blame him for taking advantage of their stupidity.

  [15] Spoon is another one of the bends at Suzuka Circuit.

  [16] Or the Galactic Information Network, to give it its full title. This was basically a galaxy-wide version of the internet, only infinitely faster than the quickest broadband speeds Earth had to offer.

  [17] We’d probably refer to them as ‘windows’ on Earth.

  [18] A pint of lemonade in Monty’s case, as he was driving.

  [19] Eric owned a home recording studio, as well as a keyboard and guitar and other musical stuff, as he was well into home recording.

  [20] Slash lied.

  [21] Eric was getting a bit muddled up here. Dirty Dancing was, of course, filmed in English so translating it from Chinese back into English wouldn’t require lip synching imagery because they were originally speaking English anyway, so their lips would have been in synch even without lip synching imagery.

  [22] This was just Garth’s opinion. It doesn’t mean he was necessarily right. Physical attractiveness is a subjective matter, so like all subjective opinions there’s no right and wrong.

  Except when it comes to Swedish lasses, obviously. Swedish lasses are categorically lush obviously. That
’s not open for debate.

  [23] Sarah was the name of Garth’s lass, although actually you’d probably already worked that out for yourself. But anyway, just in case you’re a bit gormless I’m just clarifying who she is.

  [24] Monty lived two minutes walk away from Whitley Bay Beach.

  [25] A popular TV show on Fem, where thousands of hopeful wannabes competed to become the next big pop star.

  [26] On Azleev and Jixyl’s planet a week lasted for nine days, so this was the best translation G.O.T. could come up with.

  [27] Quorgsday is how the day after Saturday and the day before Sunday is literally pronounced in Azleev’s language.

  [28] From Azleev’s point of view, G.O.T. translated Eric’s, ‘The day after Saturday and the day before Sunday?’ comment into ‘Quorgsday?’

  [29] Another popular reality TV show on Fem.

  [30] Media-blogs were basically multi-media digital newspapers with added bells and whistles that you could download from the G.I.N.

  [31] Approximately equal to four million pounds at today’s exchange rate.

  [32] That’s ‘ironically’ in the modern sense of the word, i.e. not ironically at all.

  [33] ‘Chinned’ is a Geordie expression for ‘beat up.’

  [34] In Africa by a dodgy policeman.

  [35] Well, thirty times to be precise, but all thirty bullets were fired on the same occasion.