13 (The LIST Series Book 2)

by Rhonda James

“But you have before, and that’s what worries me,” he admitted as he came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. “Come on, baby, blow this douche off and let’s pick up where we left off. I promise to make you forget about him.”

  I squared my shoulders and turned to face him. Determined. “I have to do this, okay?”

  He leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling. “Christ, you’re still in love with this guy. Is that it?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” I stammered.

  “This asshole fucking broke you, and yet you’re still willing to walk out that door with him despite the fact that I’ve begged you not to go. Are you really that weak?”

  I wanted to cry. Stomp my foot. Slap some sense into him. “Hawk, please, I need to do this. For me.”

  “Fine. Let me go with you.”

  “That’s crazy. I need to talk to him without the distraction of you two arguing the entire time. I’m going with him, alone, but I promise to come back and tell you everything.”

  He looked down at me. His jaw set. Eyes narrowed in anger. “Don’t bother. I won’t be here.”

  I swallowed hard. “What?”

  “You walk out that door with him after everything we’ve been through, and I won’t be here when you come back.” His words were harsh. His tone cold. Nothing like the man who’d been kissing me not fifteen minutes earlier.

  The shields on my heart clicked into place. “Do what you have to do.”

  He made one final attempt. “Sophie. Don’t.”

  I closed the bedroom door without looking back. I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to see how badly his words had hurt me.

  CHAPTER 28

  HAWK

  “Goddammit!”

  I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on and threw it across the room. The sound of the lamp smashing against the wall did nothing to squash the anger churning inside me.

  I couldn’t believe she’d left with that guy. After the time we’d spent together and the things we’d done. All the conversations we’d had. After the way he’d hurt her. The way he’d left her alone and scared. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way she’d trembled in my arms last night.

  The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.

  I should have punched the fucker’s lights out.

  J.T. came busting in the room and took one look at my face and what was left of the lamp. “What’s going on, and who the fuck is the guy Sophie just left with?”

  “Go away, man. This is not a good time.” I walked over to the mess and crouched down to clean it up. “Fucking hell. I can’t believe she actually left with her goddamn ex when I begged her not to.”

  He stifled a laugh. “You begged?”

  “Fuck you. Don’t give me any shit ’cause I’m not in the mood.”

  His brow rose as he nodded. “I’m guessing he saw the story.”

  “Yep,” I replied, sharply popping the ‘p.’ My head was spinning out of control. Nothing made any goddamn sense. “I feel like I’ve stepped inside an alternate universe.”

  “Understandable, I guess. I assume this guy just showed up without warning?”

  “Fuck, yeah, he did. We were fooling around on the sofa when he started beating the shit out of the door.”

  He whistled. “Dude’s got some serious cojones. You know, if he saw that report, he already knows you two are ‘married.’” He used finger quotes when he said the word.

  It was strange to think about, but somewhere in these last few weeks, I’d forgotten what we were doing was all just an illusion. It felt real as fuck to me.

  “Where do you think they went?”

  I threw the broken pieces back down and wiped my hands on my pants. “I don’t have a fucking clue, but I need to get out of here, or else I’m gonna lose my shit.”

  J.T. nodded and clapped me on the shoulder. “Fair enough. Let’s grab Styx and head over to the Playground. Drinks are on me.”

  We made the short drive to the bar and found an empty table. One of them must have messaged Sin because he came strutting into the bar not fifteen minutes later and joined us.

  “Where’s Tori?”

  He answered with a wry smile. “At home trying not to lose her shit. She said it was bad enough Sophie didn’t call her about all this shit a year ago, but then to take off with that fucker after the way he left her? Let’s just say she’s beyond pissed. On a positive note, I’ll probably walk in and find a monstrous platter of chocolate chip cookies.”

  Styx looked confused. “She gets mad, and you get cookies?”

  Sin just shrugged and patted his flat stomach. “What can I say? My baby likes to bake when she’s stressed. I suspect she’s trying to make me fat to keep the other women at bay.”

  Styx snorted. “Poor baby.”

  Sin laughed, but his tone turned serious when he turned back to me. “How you holding up, man?”

  “It’s been a shitty night, but I’m planning on turning it around.” I downed the contents of my glass.

  He pointed to my glass and looked over at J. T. “What’s he drinking?”

  “Jameson,” I answered.

  “Christ, you guys know how he gets on whiskey,” Sin argued and then mumbled something under his breath I couldn’t make out.

  “Hey. I got it under control.” I drank another. Smiled. We already had a collection of empty glasses sitting on the table, and I added one more to the mix. Wait, was that three or four?

  Sin laughed and motioned for a waitress. “This oughta be a fun night.”

  ____________________________

  At some point in the evening, our party of four turned into a gathering of twelve. We were loud and more than a little drunk, so when Sin leaned over and murmured in my ear, I barely heard what he said.

  “Whoa, dude, that shitty night you were talking about earlier? It’s about to get a whole lot fucking dirtier. Melody just walked in, and she’s headed straight for you. Man, does she look pissed.”

  I couldn’t remember how many shots of whiskey I’d slammed, or how many bottles of beer I’d drunk. What I did know was that I no longer gave a shit. About anything.

  Sophie running off with her fucktard ex = Didn’t care.

  The fact I was probably going to have a killer hangover in the morning = Didn’t care.

  That the girl I’d slept with over a hundred times was standing right in front of me and looking hot as hell = Didn’t fucking care.

  Hold up. Melody? Here?

  “Melody. Hey.” I pulled her in for a hug and smelled her floral perfume. It smelled nothing like the citrusy-sweet fragrance that Sophie wore. I shook that thought out of my head.

  “Jared, honey, how ya been?” Melody asked, taking the vacant seat next to me while Styx poured her a beer. “I’ve missed you.” She took a hearty sip of the pale ale and licked the foam from her lip with the tip of her tongue.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She looked good. Too damn good. More than a decade of memories swirled around in my fuzzy brain, the majority of which I shouldn’t have been thinking about.

  Her gaze settled on mine and held it. One beat. Two beats. Three beats. Until I finally looked away, shaking my head. “You’ll never change.”

  She merely laughed and tapped the toe of her boot on my leg. “I remember a time you used to love that about me.”

  “What are you doing here, Mel?” I swirled the whiskey around in my glass and downed another shot. It didn’t go unnoticed that the guys had made themselves scarce after Melody showed up.

  “You never told me.”

  I looked around before pointing to myself. “I’m sorry, was I supposed to tell you something?”

  She smiled and placed a hand on my thigh. Moved it back and forth. Inching higher with each pass. “We made a promise to tell each other if we ever found someone else.”

  A familiar pull burned through my veins, and I shifted in my seat. How easy it would be to say ‘Fuck it all’ and have my way with her in one
of the back offices. I knew she’d let me. All I had to do was let her hand move a little higher and to the left, and things could go back to the way they were. Back before Sophie. Back when I didn’t have a care in the world. When I didn’t worry about disappointing someone who trusted me. When I didn’t wake up each day and make up reasons just to be near her because being apart hurt too fucking much. Back when good-bye wasn’t the thing I feared more than anything else in the world.

  “You know, I was in town last month and stopped by your place. Thought we could hang out or something.” We both knew what ‘something’ was code for. “But you were with some guy in a white pickup. Funny how you never mentioned anything about him.”

  Her lips were pursed, and her face blanched. “Are you saying you married that girl because you found me with another man? Or maybe I just assumed you were still single when you came to my apartment looking for a casual fuck.”

  “You can think whatever you want. Doesn’t fucking matter anymore.”

  She went quiet, and tears pooled at the corners of her eyes. “I kept waiting. Thinking one day you’d come around and realize you couldn’t live another day without me. But that day never came… And then you were gone all the time. I never knew when you were coming home, or who you’d been with. I guess I grew tired of waiting. Tired of going to bed alone each night, wishing like hell you’d come knocking on my door. I know it was just supposed to be sex, but for me it stopped being casual a long time ago.”

  “Fuck, Mel. I had no idea you felt that way.”

  She smiled a crooked smile. Nudged me with her shoulder. “Figured as much. I’m just sorry I missed my chance. I like to think if we’d tried a little harder, we could have been really good together.”

  I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and drew her close. “We were good together. It just wasn’t meant to work out between us.”

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.” She nodded. “I probably couldn’t stand being married to you. You’re a bit of a slob. I’m surprised your mama didn’t raise you better,” she teased, dropping one lid in a sexy little wink.

  I couldn’t let that one go. “I’m pretty sure Mama did the best she could with me. I am a bit of a handful.” She gave me a look that confirmed she agreed with me.

  “That you are,” she laughed. “Do me a favor and drink a shot with me, for old time’s sake?”

  I probably should have said no, but I figured she was someone I’d spent a significant part of my life with. Friends more than half our lives. Part-time lovers after that. We’d already been through so much together. One more drink couldn’t hurt.

  I motioned for the waitress and met Melody’s gaze as I ordered our usual. “Two double shots of Jameson on the rocks.”

  Two drinks later, I was feeling no pain.

  Melody rested her chin on her hand and stared dreamily at me. “I still can’t believe you’re married. When I think back on all the time we spent together… I guess I never saw white picket fences and babies in your future.”

  “I’m not really married. Not technically, anyhow,” I admitted.

  Confusion marred her pretty face. “What are you talking about?”

  “It was a ruse to help her land a job. It just got out of hand.”

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say. Do you love her?”

  I remembered the look on Sophie’s face the night I’d slipped my ring on her finger. The night I’d sworn I’d do anything to keep that smile on her face. Anything at all. But that was before the offer in L.A. and my tour. And Gavin. Sophie and I might have been great together, but in my heart, I knew it wasn’t our time.

  “Yeah, I do,” I admitted with a laugh. “But she’s off with another dude right now, and I’m sitting here drinking with someone I’ve seen naked more times than I care to think about. There’s something seriously fucked up with this picture.”

  “Yeah, let’s not try to put a number on those memories,” she laughed before turning serious. “So, this other guy. What are you gonna do about it?”

  I toyed with the shot glass while staring across the room. “Let her go.”

  CHAPTER 29

  SOPHIE

  This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.

  That was the voice in my head. The voice I was doing my best to ignore because it sounded an awful lot like Hawk’s voice. And right now, I was mad at him. Where did he get off pulling that macho bullshit on me? Just thinking about it made me fume all over again. Gavin and I weren’t doing anything wrong. We were just going to talk, not go off and have wild monkey sex. No, but you used to. I willed my conscience to stop talking, but it was no use. Fourteen months was an awfully long time.

  He looks really good.

  His hair is longer.

  Are those the earrings I gave him on his birthday?

  Gavin sat with his back to the door and one arm draped casually over the steering wheel. Being this close to him was intimidating. Not because I still loved him, but because it felt like he’d always had the upper hand when it came to us. When we’d met, we’d both known what we wanted in life. Too bad we’d never made a point to talk about those wants, because it took three months to figure out we were never on the same page.

  Except when it came to sex.

  Gavin Rexroth might be a fucktard, but he was a fucktard who excelled in the art of lovemaking. He was the best I’d ever been with.

  Until Hawk.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

  “What for? It’s not as if it would have changed things. You told me yourself that night that kids had no place in your life,” I argued, throwing his words in his face.

  He ran a hand through his hair and tugged on the strands. “Christ, if I had known, I wouldn’t have said that shit. I wasn’t in my right mind that night.”

  I shook my head and stared down at my feet. “None of that matters anymore. Besides, I couldn’t have told you because I didn’t find out I was pregnant until a month later, and by then, it was already too late.” I snuck a glance at him and noticed he’d leaned forward, shortening the distance between us. At this proximity, everything came flooding back as if it were only yesterday. “I’d just gotten used to you being gone, and when the doctor told me the news, it felt like I’d lost you all over again.”

  I crumbled before him. Felt his arms around me. Felt him lifting me over the console, into this lap. I didn’t know how long we stayed that way, but it was long enough for me to realize he wasn’t the man I wanted holding me.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.” His thumb stroked the tip of my chin as his eyes explored my face. “You probably won’t believe this, but I think of you often. Think about our time together.”

  I gave a snort of derision. “I highly doubt that.”

  “It’s true,” he whispered softly. Licking his lips. Watching me. “When I heard about your marriage, I went out and got wasted. Swear to God,” he argued when he caught me shaking my head. “I’ve never been the kind of guy who dreamed of getting married, but if I could have given my heart to anyone, it would have been you, Blondie.”

  “That’s not fair,” I whispered.

  He chuckled, and the warm sound vibrated in my ear. “No, but it is life, and sometimes it can get a little messy.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t like messy.”

  Gavin’s throat made a funny sound as his lips hovered over mine. “I remember that, too.”

  The kiss was soft and short and way too familiar. I was the one to end it, but I was also guilty for letting it happen.

  “Stop. We can’t do this. I can’t do this.” I pushed away from him and climbed back in the passenger seat. “I don’t know what kind of game you’re trying to play, but you had your chance, and you threw it away. Threw me away. I shouldn’t be here with you. I’ve moved on, and I’m in love with someone else.”

  He blew out a breath and leaned back against the headrest. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing
. I saw the two of you. Your hair was a mess, and I remembered what it was like to look at you after sex. You were always so goddamn beautiful, and those big blue eyes of yours used to look back at me… I was jealous knowing you were looking at someone else that way. Mad at myself for not seeing you for the amazing woman you are. I was a real asshole, and for that I am truly sorry.”

  I’d waited a long time to hear those words, and it felt good knowing I wasn’t the only one who felt jealous when the person you used to care for found someone else. As nice as they were to hear, his words didn’t change anything between us.

  “I guess I can forgive you.”

  He put the car in gear before looking over and smiling. “Do you ever wonder when it actually happened?” He didn’t need to explain. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

  “No, and I prefer not to think about those times.”

  “I’ll bet it was that time in the chair. You remember that? It was the night we drank Jägermeister, and you did that striptease and straddled me—”

  I pressed a hand to his mouth. “Oh, my God, please stop talking.”

  I felt him smile under my fingers. “That was a good night.”

  I couldn’t help nodding. “It was. But now I think it’s time I go home.”

  ____________________________

  Hawk made good on his promise of being gone. I dropped my purse by the door and started picking up our dishes from the coffee table. The television was still on, an image of Sam and Molly frozen on the screen. I stared at the sofa, remembering the feel of Hawk’s body weighing me down. If we hadn’t been interrupted, we would be up in bed now. Talking. Making love. Savoring every last minute we had left. I swayed on my feet and grabbed hold of the armrest, feeling the need to sit down.

  I should let him know I was home. Maybe he would come back, and we could talk it out. I’d come clean about the kiss. I hadn’t kissed him back, not really, but I still believed Hawk deserved to know the truth about everything. I didn’t want any secrets between us. I was in love with him, and I needed to tell him. I didn’t care if he didn’t say the words back to me. I hoped he would, but even if he didn’t love me, it didn’t change the way I felt about him. I’d been afraid to confess my love to Gavin, but I refused to be afraid this time around.