College

by Joshua Piven

  Put on deodorant or apply an odor-concealing perfume or aftershave. Put on clean clothes or, if unavailable, turn dirty attire inside out. Wet and comb your hair to give yourself a just-showered look.

  10 Greet your parents.

  Enthusiastically embrace your parents. Tell them that it is a wonderful surprise to see them. Make it clear that you have a lot of studying to do before the day is over so that you can keep the visit short. Allow your parents to make a quick survey of your room, then suggest going out for a tour of campus and some coffee. Gently but forcefully lead them away as quickly as possible.

  Be Aware

  Use caution when opening the closet door after a rush-cleaning job. Tuck your chin to your chest, curl one arm over your head for protection, and expect an avalanche.

  HOW TO HIDE THINGS IN YOUR DORM ROOM

  SMALL ITEM

  Use an old textbook.

  Stash cash between pages. For other items, make a secret compartment.

  • Open the book to page 50 or beyond.

  • Use a razor blade or a sharp knife to cut a square hole in the center of the book. Use a metal ruler to guide you, and keep repeating your cut lines to go deeper and deeper.

  • Remove the square cut-out pages.

  • Put the item in the compartment.

  • Reshelve the book.

  Use a potted plant.

  • Seal the item in a plastic bag.

  • Dig a hole several inches deep in the soil.

  • Bury the bag.

  Construct a beer can safe.

  • Using a nail or pen, poke a small hole in one side of a beer can, near the bottom. Drink or discard the contents.

  • Use scissors or tin snips to cut away the side of the can with the hole, leaving the top and bottom intact.

  Select a thick book. Cut vertically. Cut horizontally. Remove pages.

  • Stash valuables in the can and place it on a wall covered with other, similar cans. Make sure the hole in the can faces the wall.

  Use electrical outlets.

  This location is suitable for very small and dry items only.

  • Use a screwdriver to unscrew the switch plate that surrounds a light switch or electrical outlet.

  • Insert the item in the wall cavity.

  • Replace the plate.

  Use shampoo bottles.

  • Seal the item in a waterproof bag.

  • Hide the bag in a bottle of shampoo.

  • Keep your bathroom items separate from your roommate’s to avoid detection.

  Use baseboards.

  • Pry a small section of baseboard away from the wall, using a hammer and chisel or flat screwdriver.

  • Use the hammer to pound a hole in the drywall just above the floor, in an area that will be concealed by the baseboard.

  • Stash the item in the hole.

  • Replace the baseboard by wedging it in place.

  Large Item

  Camouflage.

  Pile dirty or damp clothing on the item to be hidden. Make sure the pile looks and smells sufficiently unappealing to prevent scrutiny.

  Use a feather pillow.

  Depending on the size and weight of the item, you may be able to stash it in a feather pillow. Unzip the pillow and bury the item in the middle. Make sure all hard edges are well covered with several inches of feathers. Re-zip and cover with a dirty pillowcase to deter inspection.

  Use your roommate.

  If you suspect you will be the subject of a search (particularly a search by a thieving roommate), hide valuables among your roommate’s possessions. Make sure the hidden item is well concealed in the back of a closet, under her bed, or in another location she is unlikely to visit regularly. Check periodically to be certain the hidden item has not been detected.

  HOW TO SURVIVE THE DORM BATHROOM

  TOILET

  Clean the seat.

  Wipe the toilet seat with baby wipes, or spray the seat with disinfectant.

  Use a seat cover.

  Bring a child-size life preserver to place on the toilet seat (be sure the straps hang outside of the bowl). Alternatively, completely cover the seat with paper seat covers or at least four layers of toilet paper.

  Use a life preserver as a seat cover. Be sure to hang the straps outside the bowl.

  Squat.

  Tie your belt or necktie around the cubicle latch, hold on to the other end, and squat over the toilet seat, never touching the surface.

  Find alternative facilities.

  Scope out other bathrooms on campus for cleanliness and privacy. The admissions office generally has a nice public restroom for prospective students and their parents. The library is probably clean and quiet immediately after opening. Avoid athletic facilities.

  Be Aware

  If toilet paper is nowhere to be found, use napkins, paper towels, coffee filters, day-old newspapers (the ink will be dry), pages from a telephone book, old blue books, foreign currency (after checking the exchange rate), literary magazines on uncoated paper, glossy magazines, or pages from a textbook.

  SHOWER

  Shower at off hours.

  Shower in the middle of the night or at midday to avoid a wait and ensure hot water. Shower at the gym during—not after—a team practice or at off hours.

  Protect your feet.

  Never touch the floor with your bare feet. Wear flip-flops, clogs, or other elevated or enclosed footwear. Shoes with rubber soles will prevent slipping.

  Never touch the floor with your bare feet.

  Keep toiletries together.

  Carry your toiletries in a mesh basket or bucket with a hole in the bottom to drain excess water. Hang the bucket from the showerhead rather than putting it on the floor or leaving it beside the sink.

  Use liquid soap.

  Bar soap can slip out of your hand and fall on the floor or into another shower stall.

  Shave and brush your teeth in the shower.

  You are much more able to control your shower environment than the sink environment, and you are better able to retain some privacy. Alternatively, forgo shaving and grow a beard (if male) or wear long pants (if female).

  Date someone who lives off campus.

  Shower there whenever possible.

  Be Aware

  • Dormitory showers are prime areas for pilfering. Leave valuables in your room. Put your keys on a key chain that you can wear around your wrist while showering. Lock your cell phone, pager, jewelry, money, laptop computer, and all other expensive items in your room.

  • Dorm bathrooms are often crowded and unpleasant. To avoid the bathroom, use your room to:

  • Shave, preferably with an electric razor

  • Clean your hair with a dry shampoo

  • Brush your teeth with a bottle of water

  • Clean your face with cold cream and a tissue

  • Apply makeup

  • Add hair product and blow-dry hair

  • Mask body odor with talcum powder, underarm deodorant, or deodorant body spray

  HOW TO AVOID DOING LAUNDRY

  Air out your dirty clothes.

  Hang dirty clothes in your room. Spritz key areas with a spray deodorizer. Turn on an oscillating fan or use a blow-dryer to dry and refresh the garments.

  Wear dark colors.

  Dark-colored clothing will usually hide stains better than lights or whites. However, wearing dark colors in hot weather may increase perspiration and its resultant odors. Camouflage and heavily patterned clothing is also effective in hiding stains.

  Borrow clothes.

  Befriend people your size and ask for loans.

  Wear clothes inside out.

  When clothing becomes stained, turn it inside out and put it back on; make sure labels are in the back, or remove them using scissors. This strategy works best with T-shirts, socks, and underwear.

  Enlist the help of your roommate.

  Trade an item or skill you have for your roommate’s wash-and-fold skills. Offer
a party invitation you received, a hot prospect’s phone number, or a short paper in exchange for an appropriate amount of laundry.

  Wear less clothing.

  The fewer clothes you wear, the fewer you’ll need to wash. Skip unnecessary items like underwear and socks. Wear a long coat or sweater over bare skin.

  Send clothes home.

  Unless you have family members nearby, expect at least a week of turnaround time. You can save money by sending the clothes book-rate, but this method may take 10 days to 2 weeks.

  Take your laundry through a car wash.

  Hang clothes outside on a clothesline.

  Put clothes outside on windy, rainy, or snowy days and let the weather do the work for you. Do not hang clothes outside on a very hot, sunny day. The heat of the sun can set the smell or stain and make the garment difficult to clean later on.

  Shower with your clothes on.

  Use a liquid soap, which will penetrate layers of clothing more effectively than bar soap. Rinse thoroughly. Alternatively, wear clothing in swimming pools and outdoor fountains, though chlorine may leave a residual odor.

  Drive through a car wash with the windows open.

  Pile clothes on the passenger seats of an open convertible or car with the windows open. Close your eyes and hold your breath.

  HOW TO AVOID THE FRESHMAN FIFTEEN

  Avoid foods you can eat with your hands.

  Pizza, French fries, hamburgers, onion rings, bagels with cream cheese, hot wings, jalapeño poppers, dip

  OKAY: Raw vegetables, fruit

  Avoid foods you can get from a vendor at a sporting event.

  Beer, peanuts, ice cream bars, nachos, popcorn, hot dogs, garlic fries

  OKAY: Bottles of water, Popsicles

  Avoid foods you can get from a vending machine.

  Potato chips, soda, candy bars, cheese and crackers, cookies, muffins, hot chocolate

  OKAY: Sugarless gum, diet soda, water, mini pretzels, black coffee

  Avoid foods that melt quickly.

  Ice cream, sorbet, gelato, ice cream bars, frozen custard, chocolate bars

  OKAY: Fat-free frozen yogurt, Popsicles, fruit and juice bars, ice cubes

  Avoid foods that you can eat with chopsticks.

  Chinese stir-fry in heavy sauce, pad Thai, fried rice, chicken teriyaki, dim sum

  OKAY: Sushi, steamed vegetables, brown rice, be bim bop, pho

  Avoid foods that come in a crinkly bag.

  Potato chips, cookies, tortilla chips, crackers, cheese puffs, nuts, snack cakes

  OKAY: Ready-to-eat salads (no dressing), cereal, rice, precut vegetables

  Avoid foods that are orange.

  Candied yams, pumpkin pie, cheddar cheese

  OKAY: Bell peppers, acorn squash, oranges, sweet potatoes (baked)

  Avoid foods with phosphates.

  Bacon, hot dogs

  OKAY: None

  Be Aware

  Trying to keep track of the number of calories in the foods you eat is difficult, impractical, and annoying. Think of the calorie content of food in terms of its equivalent in mugs of beer and adjust your intake accordingly (see chart on next page).

  FOOD EQUIVALENCY CHART

  HOW TO PUT OUT A MICROWAVE FIRE

  1 Turn off the microwave.

  Press the STOP button. Do not open the door, or you will risk adding oxygen to the fire. Check for flames or smoke by looking through the glass window in the oven’s door.

  2 Unplug the microwave from the wall.

  Do not yank on the cord. Wiggle the plug free at the wall.

  3 Open the windows.

  Smoke will escape the microwave through the vent. Open the windows to clear the smoke, and turn on a fan facing out of your room to blow the smoke through. Close the door to your room to keep the smoke from moving into the hallway and panicking your neighbors. If too much smoke collects in your room, you may set off the fire alarm.

  4 Wait 30 seconds.

  Microwaves are designed to contain a small fire without spreading heat or flames. Wait for the fire to burn itself out or use all available oxygen. If the fire does not go out on its own in half a minute, the seals on the microwave door may be old and allowing in oxygen to feed the flames. Call the fire department.

  5 Use a fire extinguisher to douse the flames.

  If a fire extinguisher rated type ABC is available, aim the nozzle at the base of the fire, and apply the P.A.S.S. technique to snuff out the flames: Pull the safety pin from the top of the extinguisher. Aim the nozzle at the base of the flames. Squeeze the handle of the extinguisher. Sweep the hose from side to side until the flames are out.

  6 Check for flames.

  If the fire has gone out, feel the glass door with the back of your hand. If it is hot to the touch, do not open it.

  7 Wait another 30 seconds.

  When the glass has cooled, open the microwave door. Step away from the microwave in case the newly introduced oxygen creates a flare-up.

  8 Remove the burned item.

  The container is likely to be hot. Use oven mitts or pot holders. Keep your face away from the container to reduce the possibility of steam burns.

  9 Discard the food and container.

  The container may have melted into the cooked item. Do not try to salvage the burned snack or its container. If it is still hot to the touch, place the burned item under running water before discarding.

  Be Aware

  Do not use the microwave again until it has been checked for damage.

  HOW TO IDENTIFY UNSAFE CAFETERIA FOOD

  MEAT AND POULTRY

  Check the color.

  When fully cooked, beef turns brown or gray; chicken is white or brown without a trace of pink or red (depending on whether it is light or dark meat); and pork is also white, with no tinge of pink or red. If you cannot identify what kind of meat you are being served, do not eat it. No meat or poultry should ever be yellow, blue, or green.

  Check the temperature.

  Hot foods should be piping hot; cold foods should be chilled. If the temperature is in doubt, ask a food service operator for a cooking thermometer and stick it into the center of the item. Hot meats should be at least 145ºF, cold foods no warmer than 40ºF.

  Poke with a fork.

  If the juices run red, the meat is undercooked.

  Look at the gravy.

  Sauces and gravies may have a thick “skin” or float in a puddle of congealed oil. These items are a breeding ground for bacteria.

  Examine food for signs of danger.

  SALAD BAR

  Look for a sneeze guard.

  Salad bars and other self-serve areas should have plastic guards to protect food from germs. Avoid foods in areas without these protective devices.

  Watch for slow food turnover.

  Food left out too long will have a dry, waxy, or withered appearance. Food should not be left out from breakfast to lunch and lunch to dinner. If you suspect slow turnover, mark a piece of food with a carefully placed garnish; parsley works well. Return to the dining hall later in the day to see if your marked item is still present. If it is, complain to the chef or management.

  Avoid foods that need to be eaten soon after being cooked.

  Scrambled eggs should not sit in a steam tray for more than two hours; hardboiled eggs keep at room temperature for two hours or for up to one week if refrigerated.

  PACKAGED FOODS

  Check the expiration date.

  If it is past the date shown on the package, do not eat it. This applies to yogurt, milk, sushi, and any prepared or packaged foods.

  Check the package for damage.

  If the seal is broken or the package looks damaged, do not eat the contents. Gently squeeze the bag of chips or pretzels to see if the bag holds air and remains firm. For vacuum-sealed jars, make sure the top has not popped up, which would indicate that the jar has been opened and the contents may be unsafe to eat. Do not eat food from dented cans—the sharp point of the dent may allow ai
r and germs into the can.

  Be Aware

  • Watch for overripe fruits and vegetables. Extensive brown or black spots are not good.

  • Check bread and pies for mold. Green means STOP.

  HOW TO EAT WHEN YOU’RE BROKE

  HOW TO EAT FOR NOTHING

  Look for free samples.

  Membership food clubs and grocery stores offer free food samples in their aisles. One or two sweeps through the store might supply you with a well-balanced meal, including a beverage. Weekends are the prime time for grocery store samples due to the high volume of shoppers. Travel the aisles with a partially filled cart for greater acceptance. Ice cream parlors usually allow you to sample a flavor or two.

  Share your friends’ bounty.

  Monitor the campus mailroom for friends who receive care packages and ask them to share. Ask acquaintances on the college meal plan to bring you fruit and containers full of cereal. Follow pizza delivery people and ask the recipients for a slice after they’ve all taken their first piece. Promise to pay them back later.

  Offer to deliver food (without a tip).

  Many pizza restaurants offer a free pizza after every five (or some other number of) pizzas ordered. Collect the required number of orders from friends or dorm-mates, go to the pizza place, and pick up the pizzas— plus the free pizza. Be sure to collect payment for the pizzas in advance.

  Make friends at restaurants and bars.

  Making friends with cooks, waitstaff, or bartenders can result in free food, albeit leftovers at the end of a shift. Alternatively, offer to clear trays at a drive-in or restaurant. Consume leftover burgers, fries, and milkshakes between the table/car and kitchen.

  Participate in on-campus extracurricular activities.

  Join one or several university clubs that feature snacks at meetings and gatherings. Dorms offer special study nights during midterms and finals and frequently open their cafeterias for a study area. Snacks will be plentiful.