College

by Joshua Piven

  Attend happy hour.

  Many bars and restaurants near campus serve complimentary hors d’oeuvres between 5 and 7 P.M.

  Sample the condiment bar.

  Some fast-food outlets have condiment bars with vegetables, sauces, salsa, and pickles. Help yourself to a few samples, but do not eat on the premises. Bring along a plastic bag to stow your snacks.

  Crash parties.

  Loiter at a local hotel and follow well-dressed people to trade shows, weddings, and bar mitzvahs. Visit the buffet table. Use caution when speaking to guests.

  Stake out hotel hallways.

  Snack on uneaten or partially eaten rolls, sandwiches, and garnishes from leftover room service trays. Make sure the meal has already been served and eaten, or you will risk a confrontation with a hungry hotel guest.

  Dumpster dive.

  The Dumpsters behind supermarkets and restaurants are almost always filled with untouched, uneaten food that was thrown away simply because it passed its expiration date. Take bread, canned goods, and other wrapped items. Do not break into a locked Dumpster.

  HOW TO EAT FOR UNDER A DOLLAR

  Eat fast food.

  Most fast-food restaurants have items on the menu that cost less than a dollar. Bulk up your sandwich with loads of condiments for extra calories; you will stay full longer.

  Look for specials and sales.

  Restaurants, convenience stores, and grocery stores all run sales and specials. Look for two-for-one deals on soda, candy, cookies, noodles, and soup, and for mark-downs on perishables like meat, fruit, bread, and vegetables.

  Buy generic.

  Generic or store labels are always cheaper than name-brand items.

  Eat beans.

  Beans are a very cheap source of protein and fiber, and contain other essential nutrients.

  Eat pasta.

  Eat a baked potato.

  A single potato usually costs less than a dollar and can be baked or heated in a microwave: Poke several fork holes in the potato to allow steam to escape and reduce the chance of explosion.

  Eat canned goods.

  Canned food is nearly always cheaper than its fresh alternative.

  Go for quantity, not quality.

  Buy foods that last for several meals so the average cost per meal is low. A loaf of bread will go a lot further than one piece of fruit. A jar of peanut butter might cost several dollars but will provide many meals for under a dollar when you pair it with two slices of bread and jelly packets from the cafeteria or a diner. Boxes of pasta, a package of bagels, generic cereal, a carton of eggs, oatmeal, a package of hot dogs, and cans of soup are cheap to begin with, and you will get more than one meal out of them.

  HOW TO ASK YOUR PARENTS FOR MONEY

  Focus on one parent.

  Ask the parent you think is most likely to dole out funds. Hearken back to childhood by using the parent’s favorite term of endearment, such as “Mommy” or “Pop.”

  Make the request in person.

  Request money during a trip home. “Reluctantly” bring up the subject and look extremely embarrassed to be asking for a handout.

  Write a letter if you are unable to ask in person.

  Sending a plea for funds through the mail rather than telephoning or sending an e-mail will add a personal, serious, and traditional touch. Follow up with a phone call after the letter arrives. If you must make your request via e-mail, write your message in the form of a letter; start with a traditional greeting such as “Dear Mommy” and use proper punctuation and upper- and lowercase letters. Do not use abbreviations or emoticons. Be aware that it is easier for a parent to turn down a request by a reply e-mail than it is when responding by letter.

  Tell a sob story.

  Tell your parent that you have been trying to stand on your own two feet, but that college is much, much harder than you thought it would be, and that you are having to spend many hours a day in the library. Convey your concerns that getting a job will seriously impact your study time: Say that you could work a late-night job, but you’re not sure how safe it is to be out alone in that neighborhood. This works especially well if you are taking a full course load. Detail your professors’ difficult demands and your massive assignments.

  Highlight your accomplishments.

  Demonstrate what a solid investment you are. Point to your stellar grades, mention how you are juggling multiple commitments, list your extracurricular activities, and note any praise you’ve received from a professor. If you have not achieved any of these accomplishments, mention that you could achieve them if you had more time to devote to your studies and activities, and that money would facilitate getting that time.

  Be specific about how much you need.

  Request an exact amount and give the reason why you need the money. If you are direct, your parents will see your need as real and will be more likely to believe that you have explored other means of getting money. Your appeal is less compelling if you use a vague number or ask them to send what they can spare.

  Ask for more than you need.

  You will probably receive less than your requested amount, so overestimate the amount you need.

  Emphasize the intangible things the money will enable you to do.

  Funds might be needed to service your computer immediately, to take an off-campus course, or to cover membership fees for an organization that will look great on your résumé. If you tell them the money will go to buy furniture or a new printer, expect to show the items to them when they visit.

  Send a thank-you note.

  Express gratitude for and relief at the amount you receive. Your parents will be pleased with your good manners and will be more likely to send money again.

  CHAPTER 3

  EXTRACURRICULAR SURVIVAL SKILLS

  HOW TO SURVIVE THE WALK OF SHAME

  1 Locate all your belongings before vacating the premises.

  2 Replace missing clothing.

  If you are lacking pants, put your legs through the sleeves of your shirt and tape or staple the neck. If you are missing a shirt, use your socks as a bikini top, held in place with shoelaces from your running shoes: One lace goes through the top of each sock and is knotted at each end; that lace will go around your neck. The other lace goes through the heel of each sock, is knotted at each end, and becomes the strap that goes behind your back. Adjust for proper fit.

  3 Dumb down your evening garments.

  Remove any showy clothing or jewelry and wash your face to remove any trace of heavy makeup. Wear a hat, sunglasses, and drab clothing, if you have the option.

  4 Avoid crowds.

  Leave for home very early in the morning, when there will be fewer people on the street. If you wake up late, do not cross campus during peak class times.

  5 Walk briskly.

  Match the gait of other passersby—but do not run. The faster you walk, the less likely you’ll be noticed. Walking fast also cuts down on the amount of time and thus the number of people to whom you will be exposed.

  Be Aware

  • Arrange in advance a signal (bird call) to get your roommate’s attention when you arrive after hours with no keys.

  • Prepare and practice excuses and explanations for parents, boyfriend, and others you may encounter.

  HOW TO AVOID A NIGHTMARE HOOK-UP

  1 Do not get drunk.

  When you need to refill your glass, do it yourself. Do not let a stranger get a drink for you. Drink a glass of water between alcoholic drinks.

  2 Clearly convey your desire for a straightforward hook-up.

  Verbalize your desire to hook up with him for that night. State that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship of any sort. If he agrees to this, he may be interested in only a one-night stand as well, and may be just what you’re looking for.

  3 Clear the potential hook-up with a trusted friend.

  Always go to a party or bar with a reasonably conscientious friend who does not have a penchant for drink or proven bad ta
ste in men. Leave your keys with her. Introduce her to your potential hook-up and ask if she thinks you are about to make a mistake.

  4 Retrieve your keys from your friend.

  5 Go to your place.

  Your place is usually the preferred destination, since you will be more in charge and comfortable.

  6 Give yourself a last-minute excuse to get out.

  Say that your roommates may be home and they would create a problem, so you will have to say good-night right now.

  7 Assess his place.

  If you do wind up at his apartment or dorm room, look for signs of misrepresentation or personality disorder. Flip through recent photos to get an idea of his social activities. Lock yourself in the bathroom and check out the contents of his medicine cabinet. Check the bedroom for concealed cameras. If his roommates are home, note whether your hook-up is winking at them or if he politely introduces you by name. Chat with them to make sure you are comfortable in the situation.

  8 End the encounter.

  If you become uncomfortable or suspicious, leave quickly if you are at his place. If you are at home, say that you forgot that your boyfriend is coming over or that you’ve got a major headache/infection/test in the morning and need to get a few hours of sleep. If he seems reluctant to leave, give your roommate a sign to rescue you. Do not make any promises, however vague, to see him again.

  Be Aware

  • Going to your place for a hook-up can be problematic because he will know where you live and he may observe more about you than you would like. Also, you can’t get up and leave when you want to end the hook-up.

  • If you anticipate that you may be bringing a hook-up home, leave a note taped to your door. “Honey, I went to bed early. Please be quiet when you come in.—Mike.” You can then explain later to your hook-up, if you want an excuse to end the evening, that your boyfriend has unexpectedly come over. If you want to continue with the hook-up, you can say that Mike is dating your roommate.

  HOW TO DATE THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE

  Assign them the same nickname.

  Call them all “honey” or “sweetie” or “pumpkin” so that you do not accidentally use the wrong name with the wrong person. It also helps if you discuss the same topics and pick the same song as “our song.”

  Keep to a schedule.

  See them only on their assigned day—Mary every Thursday, Emily every Friday, and Jenny every Saturday. They will see you as highly disciplined and will not expect to monopolize your time.

  Select three different favorite bars, activities, or restaurants.

  A special place for each reduces your chances of running into another date. Look for dimly lit, off-campus locations.

  Be vague.

  Provide few details to each date about your whereabouts during nondate evenings. Offer ambiguous responses like “I wish I had time to see you more often, too.”

  Keep your answering machine volume turned down.

  If you are home with one of your dates and another calls, you will not be found out.

  Advise your roommate to say as little as possible.

  Explain your situation and ask for cooperation. Tell your roommate to say only “Nice to see you” when he sees one of your dates. He should avoid “Nice to meet you” or “Nice to see you again” since he may be easily confused about who he is talking to.

  Do not place photographs around your room.

  The fewer things and people to explain, the better. Also remove stuffed animals, flowers, cards, mix CDs, or anything that might look like a romantic gift.

  Tell everyone that you have a large family.

  Prepare for the time that you will be spotted with another date. If asked later who you were with, you can say she was your cousin.

  Refer to several part-time jobs.

  Say that you are sorry to be so unavailable because you are always working. Mention that you are saving all the money you are earning for tuition and other living expenditures so that you don’t build expectations about gifts or expensive dates.

  Do not boast.

  Aside from your roommate, keep any mention of the simultaneous relationships to yourself. The more people you tell about your multiple assignations, the more likely it is that you will be discovered.

  HOW TO SURVIVE SPORTS EMERGENCIES

  Man Overboard

  1 Stop rowing.

  As soon as a team member falls off the scull, cease rowing.

  2 Coordinate strokes.

  Position the boat to within an oar’s length of the victim.

  3 Perform an extension rescue.

  The person closest to the teammate in the water should extend an oar to the victim, making sure not to hit him with it. If the victim is injured or otherwise unable to grab the oar, the rescue must take place in the water; skip to step 7.

  4 Pull the victim close to the boat.

  5 Hold the victim against the side of the boat.

  Do not attempt to bring him on board (or let him climb in), or you will risk capsizing the craft.

  6 Row the boat to shore.

  Stop rowing.

  7 Enter the water.

  Dive from the boat (or swim from shore) to the downed rower.

  8 Approach the victim from the rear.

  9 Perform a double armpit tow.

  Facing the victim from behind, place your dominant arm under one of the victim’s arms. Extend your arm across the victim’s chest and grab him under the opposite armpit.

  Swim to safety

  10 Tow the victim to safety.

  Using a breast-stroke or side-stroke kick, swim the victim back to the boat, to a trailing boat, or to shore.

  Be Aware

  If the victim is unconscious, call for emergency assistance.

  HIT IN THE EYE WITH A HOCKEY PUCK

  1 Place the victim on her back.

  Lying with the eye facing up reduces the chance of leakage of the liquid inside the eyeball.

  2 Elevate the head slightly.

  Place a folded jacket or towel underneath the victim’s head, elevating it slightly above the level of the heart to reduce pressure inside the skull and the eyeball.

  3 Apply a cold compress.

  Place ice in a plastic bag. Do not apply the compress directly to the skin: Use a layer of clothing or plastic to prevent tissue from freezing. Hold the compress gently on the tissue surrounding the eye. Avoid pushing or putting pressure on the eye.

  4 Offer pain medication.

  If the victim is conscious, administer 600 milligrams of ibuprofen. If ibuprofen is not available, use acetaminophen. Avoid administering aspirin: It may cause excess bleeding, which can be harmful during an eye operation.

  Elevate the head slightly to reduce pressure.

  5 Get help.

  Tell the emergency operator that you require an emergency room with a qualified ophthalmologist and ear-nose-throat (ENT) surgeon on call.

  Be Aware

  • A hockey puck to the head may fracture the socket containing the eye and/or rupture the eyeball itself. Both conditions require immediate medical attention.

  • Always ask the victim about allergies to medicine before administering any drugs, even ibuprofen.

  DART INJURY

  1 If the dart is embedded in the head, neck, chest, or back, leave it in place.

  Rinse a small, clean towel in cold water, wring it out, and wrap the towel around the base of the dart to stabilize it and prevent further penetrating or shearing injury. Take the person to the hospital, or call for an ambulance.

  2 Remove the dart.

  If the dart is embedded in an arm or leg, remove it from the victim using a fast, pulling motion. Put the dart in a safe location where it will not cause further injury. (If the dart bounced or has already fallen off the victim, ask where he was hit.)

  3 Place the victim in a sitting position.

  Locate the dart.

  4 Examine the wound.

  If blood is spurting from the wound, apply a clean cloth
to the injury site. If there is bleeding but no spurting, skip to step 8.

  5 Apply pressure.

  Elevate the affected area above the level of the heart. Hold the cloth firmly in place for 5 minutes.

  6 Remove the cloth and check the wound.

  If blood continues to spurt, apply a new, clean cloth, elevate, and apply pressure for 15 additional minutes. Change the cloth as needed. For persistent oozing, apply pressure for 30 minutes.

  7 Examine the wound.

  Once the wound has stopped spurting, check the injury site, wiping away any seeping blood.

  8 Rinse.

  When the bleeding has stopped or slowed, gently rinse the wound under cool tap water.

  9 Bandage.

  Cover with a large, sterile dressing.

  10 Clean the dart.

  Rinse the dart under hot tap water, then wipe thoroughly with rubbing (isopropyl) alcohol.

  11 Remove the victim from the field of play.

  Be Aware

  A tetanus booster may be required if the victim has not had one in the previous 10 years.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A STADIUM RIOT

  1 Scan the crowd.

  Quickly determine the focus of the rioting: mascot, goalpost, star player, referee, fans, band members, coaches, or cheerleaders. Physically distance yourself as quickly as possible.

  2 Hide any obvious school affiliation.

  If the mob appears to be attacking your school’s fans, remove any clothing items with school colors, letters, or emblems. Stuff these items into a nondescript bookbag or plastic bag. Wrap your arms around your bag and use it to shield your torso as you begin your escape. If you do not have an appropriate carryall, leave your school gear behind.