Survivor

by Mary Alford

  “Why?” This came out sounding a little too suspicious. When I heard the sound of my sweet, all-seeing grandmother’s laughter, I knew she understood why I’d asked that question.

  “Well now, never you mind, child.” I’m sure she didn’t blink an eye.

  I handed the phone to Aaron with dread. “She wants to talk to you.”

  As I listened to a one-sided conversation between my grandmother and the man I still tried to convince her I wasn’t interested in, I couldn’t pick up a thing from Aaron’s end. From time to time, he’d laugh and look at me so I knew they were talking about me.

  After Aaron said good-bye to my grandmother, he handed me back my phone, and I tried not to appear too overly curious. “What was all that about?” Another maddening smile left far too much to my overactive imagination.

  “Not for me to say.”

  We spent the rest of the evening together simply talking. But as evening settled in over the city, I knew it was time for me to leave. I’d been with Aaron far too long. I needed time to think, preferably alone without my dangerous distraction reminding me of all my mistakes.

  “You can stay here tonight.” Aaron read my thoughts. “I promise I’ll stay in my own room this time. Trust me, I learned a hard lesson last night. I’m not that strong of a man.”

  “No…I should go. I have things to do, oh like I don’t know—laundry and housework and well, things.” I hoped my little spiel didn’t sound as close to babbling as I believed it did.

  Aaron guessed the real reason for my sudden need to escape. As he drove me back to my apartment, neither of us could find much to say. I think we both felt a little uncertain where we stood with each other.

  He walked me to my door and waited while I unlocked the apartment and flipped on the lights. I hated saying good-bye to him and that scared me more than anything that had happened between us so far. I wasn’t supposed to feel anything for a man. I prided myself in being immune to all types of emotional attachments.

  “Grace.” Aaron seemed to be as much at a loss for words as me. We didn’t even know how to say good-night to each other anymore. We weren’t just friends anymore, but we weren’t at the next step either.

  “Good night, Aaron.” I touched my lips to his cheek before stepping inside. I waited until I heard his footsteps leaving me once more before I could breathe again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The week of New Year’s started out pretty much as usual. The holiday season slowed work around the office to a crawl. Most of the staff was still away on vacation until after the first of the year. With Sally out, it meant that there was just Aaron and me alone in the big office.

  Aaron, who was definitely a workaholic in my book, pretty much barricaded himself in his office and was busy reading through the enormous number of e-mails he’d received over the holiday.

  He appeared deep into the task at hand when I walked into the office on Monday morning. He glanced up when I stuck my head in, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

  “Well, good morning, Miss Caldwell. You look awfully pretty.” Aaron had an uncanny way of charming me when I wanted to keep work and whatever our relationship actually could be defined as separate. Obviously, Aaron didn’t share any of my misgivings.

  “Hi. You’re early. What time did you get here?”

  “Seven. I’m already on my third cup of coffee, and I could definitely use a break. Why don’t you grab some yourself and come join me.”

  I would have given just about anything to have one good reason not to do as he asked. Instead, my heart raced with excitement, and I pushed aside all of my doubts. When I came back to his office, I became instantly aware of him watching my every move.

  I took the chair across from him instead of the seat he’d indicated a little too close to him. I needed distance.

  “So what did you do yesterday?” I hoped my voice didn’t sound as nervous as I felt.

  “Thought about you,” he countered softly.

  I was on cloud nine and desperately trying to rein in my wayward heart for the rest of the day.

  I’d almost worked my way through the mound of correspondence and meeting requests Sally left for me when Jason walked into my office and cloud nine fell to the ground around my feet.

  I tried not to show him how unwelcome I found his visit. Jason was still my friend, but I didn’t want to have to try and deal with Aaron and Jason coming face to face again. Since the party I’d been avoiding Jason’s calls.

  “So you’re alive. I was beginning to wonder.”

  Jason came to a stop next to my desk, unsure how to treat me anymore. I knew I’d behaved badly toward him.

  I gave him a huge hug, unfortunately at the same time Aaron walked out of his office. There we stood, the three of us facing each other and trying to decide what to do next. Aaron figured it out first. He shook Jason’s hand. I could tell right away they were never going to be friends.

  “Sorry to interrupt. I’m on my way out to run some errands for a bit. Do you need anything while I’m out?”

  If Jason had not been there, Aaron would have asked me to lunch, which I would have been only too happy to accept. All I wanted to do was shoo Jason away.

  “No, no I’m fine.”

  Aaron nodded and waved to Jason. I could see he hadn’t liked finding Jason there with me.

  When Jason and I were alone I knew I owed him an explanation for my behavior lately. I didn’t know what to say. I certainly couldn’t tell him the truth.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t called you back. It’s just been so busy around here with the holidays and all. How have you been? Did you have a nice Christmas?” Even to my ears it sounded like a shallow excuse and he knew it.

  “You know I’m a cop, and I can spot a lie a mile away. You want to tell me what’s going on between you and your boss?”

  “No,” I said too quickly and then realized that probably sounded even more incriminating. “There’s nothing going on between us. We’re just friends.”

  “Yeah, well, you and I are just friends, and you don’t look at me like that. I wish you did, but you don’t. Come on. Level with me. Are you in love with him?”

  “No.”

  “He’s not your type, you know,” Jason went on as if I hadn’t said a word. “You’ll only get hurt. You said yourself he’s only interested in sex.”

  “And I believe I also told you I’m not interested in him in that way. So, can we talk about something else?” I reached for my coffee cup and swallowed the cold liquid. I needed to distract myself from the small little voice inside my head reminding me Jason was only voicing the concerns I’d been telling myself for days.

  He laughed knowingly, but I wasn’t ready to look into those eyes and have him see the truth quite yet. I couldn’t let Jason know just how much those words hurt to hear.

  “Okay, by all means, let’s talk about anything but what’s driving you crazy. And to answer your question, I had a wonderful Christmas.” Jason took the seat across from me, in no hurry to leave. “It’s been years since I’ve had the whole day off. I don’t have all that much seniority, which means I end up working most holidays. But this year was different.”

  As I watched the man who was right for me in every way, I wondered again, what was wrong with me. Jason genuinely cared about me. “It must be hard with your family living in Houston. Did you go home and see your parents?”

  Again, he smiled. He understood exactly what I was trying to do. “Yeah, I did. I got to see the whole family, my two sisters and their husbands along with the kids. It was nice. What about you?” His gaze found mine and held it. I felt the betraying color threaten once again. Jason saw the truth and answered for me. “Ah, I see. Did you have a nice time?”

  I knew he didn’t approve of Aaron’s lifestyle. I didn’t approve of it, but I was unable to stop my feelings for Aaron no matter how wrong they were.

  “It was good.”

  “Be careful, will you? You know he’s
not what’s best for you. I’m not saying that as some spurned lover you’ve rejected, which you did, but we’re not going into that right now.” I realized he was only half joking.

  “Just don’t let him hurt you. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “Don’t worry.” I tried to sound confident, but I knew it would only be a matter of time. Aaron was destined to break my heart.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to concentrate on work while wondering what happened to Aaron. He’d been gone for hours. I was still sitting at my desk drumming my fingers against the computer screen when he finally walked in at almost seven o’clock.

  Aaron’s glance slid over my obvious boredom and he grinned.

  “You look like you’re really into your work. What are you still doing here?” He didn’t wait to hear my answer. He just kept right on walking. He closed his office door behind him, leaving me in stunned silence. I waited exactly three seconds before following him.

  “What did you think I would be doing?”

  “I figured you’d be out with Andy Taylor.”

  So, we were back to the same old tired remarks of the past. “His name is Jason. And I told you he’s just a friend.”

  “Yes, I know. You’ve told me quite a lot lately, but I’m beginning to wonder which part of it to believe.”

  Before I could ask him exactly what he meant, Aaron’s private line rang. I reached for the receiver out of habit, only to be rewarded by the sound of Elise’s unwelcome sultry voice.

  “I’m sorry I was looking for Aaron. Is he there? I wanted to remind him we have plans for tomorrow night.”

  I handed Aaron the phone and forced the words out of my mouth. “It’s your girlfriend.”

  I was just ready to walk out the door when his hand snaked around my wrist, keeping me close. Jason’s warning came back to remind me what a fool I’d been by trusting Aaron. I sank down to the edge of his desk before he released my arm and gave Elise his full attention.

  I was only half listening to their conversation but it soon became clear that Aaron didn’t want to talk to Elise with me there. He told her he’d call her back later and hung up the phone.

  “You’re actually going out with that woman?” I hated the jealous tone of my voice. It gave away too much of the turmoil going on inside of me at the possibility.

  I waited for him to answer and saw Aaron smile. I hated that smile almost as much as I hated the careful distant way he treated me. “You don’t approve I take it?”

  “What do you see in that type of woman?”

  He gave me a direct look that left nothing to my imagination. I knew exactly what he saw in Elise.

  “So it’s all about sex? That’s all it ever is with you, isn’t it?”

  I stood next to him. Close enough to feel his anger match my own.

  “You know this little speech of yours would have a whole lot more meaning right now if I weren’t remembering how you all but picked up that cop friend of yours. Not to mention the way you were looking at him just a short while ago.”

  “I did nothing of the sort. And I told you Jason is just a friend. It’s not like…” I’d been about to say it’s not like the meaningless attraction he had for Elise, but I managed to catch those words before they were out.

  “Please. It’s exactly the same. You just chose to dress it up as friendship. Maybe I should be wondering what to make of our friendship?”

  Aaron’s words hurt. Almost as much as the fact that after all these months, he was no closer to understanding me than the first day.

  It took a while before I could finally bring myself to answer him without crying. “You know you’re right, Aaron. What you do and who you do it with is none of my business. I hope you have a nice time with her, but if there’s nothing else you need from me tonight, I think I’ll be going.”

  I watched and waited as he fought his own demons. I’d never seen him so angry before. He didn’t like what I’d said any more than my lack of emotion. And all of that showed in those blue eyes. He got to his feet. His hand circled my wrist once more, bringing me closer.

  “Grace…” He stopped, caught whatever angry words were close, and closed his eyes briefly. Then there was no anger left in him.

  “How long are we going to keep playing this game?” he asked quietly. I knew what he meant, but I couldn’t let myself face the truth.

  “I don’t know what you mean.” I pulled out of his grasp and started for the door.

  “Yes you do. Grace…” My name came out sounding almost desperate. “I’d drop Elise in a heartbeat if I thought I stood any chance at all with you.”

  This stopped me dead in my tracks. I was in love with him. I’d give just about anything for him to feel something close to what I felt for him. “Grace.” I closed my eyes tight. His words came so close to fulfilling all my desires. When I opened them, he was standing next to me. But I couldn’t look at him and not tell him how I felt about him.

  “Don’t you know I’m crazy about you? You’re the only thing that matters to me anymore. I think about you all the time. Elise means nothing to me. I have no interest in her. I want to be honest with you. I’m tired of playing games. I was only using her to get some reaction from you. Anything. I’m crazy about you, and I have been for a long time now. And I think that if you’re honest with me you’ll admit you feel the same way. Tell me you don’t. Tell me that you don’t care about me, and I’ll leave you alone.”

  Aaron forced me to face him again, but I couldn’t look at him. I closed my eyes and couldn’t deny the truth. I didn’t want to any longer.

  “I can’t, because I do care about you.”

  He brought me into the warmth of his arms and held me tight. I didn’t realize it until he said the words, but I was crying. I had never felt so confused before.

  “Don’t cry. Grace, please don’t cry. I promise I’ll never hurt you.” I hated the way he could read my every thought so well.

  Aaron brushed a finger across my cheek just before his lips met mine, and I forgot all about my future heartache. I loved him. I would take what he had to give and worry about the pain when he moved on. And I knew he would. I couldn’t give him what he expected from the women he dated. He’d grow bored with me in no time at all.

  “Have dinner with me tonight. We can talk…or not. We don’t have to talk at all if you don’t want to. Just promise me you won’t walk out on me. Promise me you won’t give up on us.”

  I nodded. I think Aaron realized how lost I felt at that moment. He took my hand and we walked to my desk. Aaron was the one to gather my stuff because I didn’t seem capable of doing even the simplest of things anymore.

  We were outside in the cold night air when I finally came to my senses. I wasn’t ready to turn him away. I’d never be that strong. But I didn’t want to consider those mistakes.

  “I don’t want to talk, Aaron,” I told him when we reached his car. He leaned back against the Vette and pulled me into his arms.

  “We need to talk about things. About us.”

  Of course, he was right, but I wasn’t ready to face that discussion just yet.

  “I know…but just not tonight.” I pleaded for him to understand. “Can’t we just be together tonight?”

  My answer was not what he wanted to hear, but he was willing to let it go. “If that’s what you want. We’ll just have a quiet dinner together. We can talk about whatever you want. We don’t have to talk about the future until you’re ready.”

  I didn’t know what the future meant for him, but I was certain our views about it would be different.

  As we left the parking lot together, I tried to push those ugly thoughts aside.

  “You know what I’d love? One of those greasy cheeseburgers of yours.” I waited as a ghost of a smile spread slowly across his handsome face.

  “I think I can arrange that for you, pretty lady. And who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky and run into our little friend from the last time. It would probably give him
a real thrill seeing the car twice in a matter of weeks.”

  We did get lucky. The kid remembered our order right down to the flavor of shakes. He appeared just as impressed with the car as before.

  “Why don’t you come take a look?” Aaron invited, only to be rewarded with an unbelievable expression.

  “You mean it, mister?” When Aaron told him yes, the kid whipped off his earphones and was out the door with our order in hand.

  “It’s kind of slow right now so Steve won’t mind watching the place for a second. What kind of horsepower does this thing get?”

  I listened as Aaron and the kid, whose name I later learned was Scott, discussed the Vette’s merits, and I tried to force all thoughts of how many wrong decisions I’d made in my life lately out of my mind.

  “You know you’ve made a friend for life, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I’m thinking of taking him for a ride next time.”

  “He seems like a nice kid.”

  “Yes, ma’am. So, how am I doing?”

  “What do you mean?” I tried to decipher something from his expression.

  “I haven’t said one thing about the future yet, so I’m thinking I’m doing pretty well. What do you think?”

  “You’re doing wonderful, Mr. Severn. Absolutely wonderful.”

  “Good. Because I figure this is some sort of test that I definitely want to pass, so in case I screw up, say or do something you don’t approve of, I just want you to know I am trying.”

  “Aaron, just shut up and drive, okay?”

  “Okay, but we’re going back to your apartment this time. I figure it’s safer that way.”

  I knew he hoped to get me to relax, and I was actually glad that we weren’t going to his house.

  We sat in my tiny kitchen eating cold cheeseburgers while I tried not to think about how handsome the man seated next to me was.

  “What? Do I have ketchup on my face?”

  I shook my head.

  “Then why do you keep looking at me strangely? Have I grown a horn or something?”

  “No,” I told him, no longer able to resist the desire to brush back a lock of hair that had fallen across his forehead. “I’m just thinking for the corporate, uptight type you’re awfully nice looking.”