Restorations

by Nicole Dykes

  “There’s more to the story, Asher.”

  “I don’t care.” He releases me, but both of us have our feet resting on the cement bottom of the pool as we stand face to face.

  “You’re so afraid to let yourself be happy, Asher.”

  “I’m fucking happy.” His voice is strained, and maybe I should have just left it alone, except he can’t tell me he loves me out loud.

  “You’re afraid to be too happy. Because you feel like it’s a betrayal. Because you think you let Colt down. Because you’re so afraid of becoming your father.”

  “Viv, don’t.” It’s a stern command, and it feels different than it did last night.

  I can’t stop though. I owe him this much. I can’t let him marinate in his hatred toward Penelope and Linc and not know the whole story. I need him to get closure. “I think all of you were afraid of becoming like your father.” It’s the excuse he used not to be with me. “But it wouldn’t have been any of you.”

  “Vivienne.” He moves closer to me, his voice deadly serious. “There’s no reason to dig up the past.”

  “You’re living in the past. You’re afraid to let yourself be too happy. You’re afraid to tell me you love me.”

  He scoffs coldly, running his fingers through his hair with one hand. “I didn’t argue with you.”

  “But you can’t say it. You can’t move forward with me because you’re scared you’ll turn into your father. But it was never going to be you who did. I think Colt was afraid he would too.” My eyes dip to the water in front of me because I can’t look at him with the shame I feel. “Especially after he cheated on Penelope with me.”

  “Stop.” His eyes are dark, and it’s eerie, but I need us to move forward. I need him—all of him.

  “No.” I raise my eyes to his. “He knew.”

  He moves closer to me, looking like he wants to throttle me, but he doesn’t touch me. “Don’t fucking say it.”

  “He cheated on the one woman he ever loved. The pressure to be good was swallowed by the inherent bad.” I choke on the words, holding back tears, but I keep going. “You, Lola, and Linc are strong. Determined. You were never going to turn into him. You denied yourselves.” I point at his chest. “You denied us of this love we feel.”

  A tear slides down my cheek, and I wipe it away.

  He’s breathing heavily, but he doesn’t say a word as he waits and pleads for me to shut up all at once.

  “It would have been him.” Colt struggled with his identity more than any of them. I see that now. He cheated on Penelope. He created a mess. He was teetering on the edge.

  He lets out an awful, guttural groan, his teeth clenched tightly and jaw ticking with fury. He looks almost possessed. But there’s understanding in his eyes even though I know he’s about to deny it. “Don’t ever say that again.”

  He turns and slowly stalks out of the water, never looking back at me as he goes inside, slamming the door.

  When I left him standing in the house we shared in Kansas all alone, I felt empty. I felt like I’d never be with him again. It felt like the end.

  But this doesn’t feel like that, no matter how angry he was.

  This feels like a new beginning.

  Asher is giving me the cold shoulder this morning, and I don’t blame him after last night. I know that wasn’t easy to talk about. It wasn’t easy for me to say, but I’m starting to see things more clearly now than ever before.

  Perhaps it’s easier for me since I wasn’t close to Colt. I’m essentially an outsider, but we had a lot in common. I did horrific things when I acted out against my own family’s pressure.

  Baz is busy eating his breakfast, and Asher is keeping his distance, hovering by the coffee pot in the kitchen when Lola and Hayden walk in. They both look bright and shiny, basking in their new love that seems as old as time.

  “Well, good morning, family.” Lola is definitely cheery.

  Asher grunts a hello and then places his mug on the counter. “I’m going to go get ready.” He shoots me an icy glare. “I don’t want to be late. Can you get him ready?”

  I want to remind him that I'm usually responsible for that, but I let him stew in his anger for now and just nod. “Yes.”

  He turns on one foot and leaves before Lola comes to the table to sit in front of me. “What is going on with you two?”

  I turn to look at Baz and thankfully, Hayden takes a cue like a champ. “Can I help him get ready today?”

  Baz looks excited and jumps up. He’s really taken to Hayden. I give him a thank you smile and nod. “I suppose.”

  Baz takes Hayden’s hand and leads him out. I turn back to Lola, knowing her radar has detected conflict and she’s not going to let it go. “I’m in timeout with Asher.”

  She sighs. “What happened?”

  I feel that same nervous feeling creeping up. “I think if I tell you, I'll be in timeout with you too.”

  She raises one perfectly manicured, blond eyebrow. “Well, now I have to know.” She smiles. “It can’t be that bad.”

  “I love Asher.”

  She laughs, but then rolls her eyes. “You told him again? What did the asshole say this time?”

  He completely freaked out the last time. “That’s not why I'm in timeout. He’s actually handled that well.” I lock eyes with her. “I think he loves me too.”

  “He definitely does.” She’s always one step ahead of all of us.

  “But . . .” I fight through the nerves, “he’s holding back. It’s like he’s scared to be too happy.”

  She nods her head sadly, obviously understanding that well. “I get that.”

  “I know you do.” I look out the window overlooking the pool and then turn back to Lola. “I think he needs to talk to Penelope—really talk to her. I think there was so much more to the story.”

  “Penelope has taken the blame for a lot of things.”

  “I may have said that it was never going to be any of you who ended up like your father,” my voice grows quieter, “that it would have been Colt, if anyone.”

  Her jaw nearly drops, and her eyes widen. I see the pain written all over her face because she knows it’s true. “You said that to Asher?”

  I nod once. “He doesn’t realize how good he is.”

  “He never did.” She smiles sadly, playing with a new ring on her left finger that I'm just now seeing.

  “Are you engaged?”

  She smiles. “We have been for a while. It was always pending.”

  I give her a knowing nod because they’ve been waiting for her life to feel in control. “I didn’t mean to cause more turmoil.”

  “He’s ready to face that, I think, but he’s going to act out at first.”

  “I’m strong enough to handle it.”

  She smiles, standing from her chair and squeezing my shoulder. “I know you are. I think he is too. I can’t believe Colt was capable of being exactly like our father, but you’re right. Resentment and pressure can do horrible things to a person.”

  Like making them cheat on their girlfriends with a girl he barely knew.

  “I love Asher. I just want to see him heal.”

  “I know, Viv. I know.” She smiles again, releasing my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Colt may have done some bad things, but he was good inside. He would want to see everyone happy.”

  “Do you think he’ll talk to Penelope?”

  She’s thinking it over, and then she shrugs. “I don’t know, but I'm not sure the answers will help all that much. You’ve already started to heal him, Viv. You know that.”

  “He’s healed me.”

  She smiled. “And that’s love, isn’t it? Fixing what’s broken inside a person by merely being there?”

  Baz and Hayden come back into the kitchen, Baz ready for the day. I see Asher behind them, still glaring. Always the broody asshole.

  But the man I love all in the same.

  How the fuck can she say that about Colt? She didn’t even fucking
know him. I mean, other than the one time they had sex.

  I run my hand through my hair, sitting out by the pool. All I could think about all day was Viv and what she said, seething with rage all day long. Even the cute kindergartners couldn’t snap me out of my bad mood today.

  We were doing well. Weren’t we? I mean, yeah . . . I can’t exactly tell her how I feel. And I'm sure that’s frustrating. But saying that about Colt?

  The best man I ever knew. My brother who I miss every single day of my life. Who is gone. She said he would have turned out like my dad, the man I despise more than anyone.

  “What are you doing out here?” I look up at Linc, who I didn’t even hear approaching.

  “I’m staying here. What are you doing at Lola’s? You have your own house.”

  He nods his head, grinning as he takes a seat next to me. Clearly, he isn’t going anywhere. “Lola told me about what Vivienne said.”

  What the fuck? Everyone has already talked about this? Is nothing private now?

  I turn to look over my shoulder toward the house. I didn’t eat here tonight. I needed space and stayed in my classroom for hours after school let out. Then I went and grabbed something to go before I sat in my car and ate it.

  I face Linc, a cold bitterness in my tone. “She’s fucking wrong.”

  “Is she?” I stare at him even more pissed-off.

  “Yes. He was the best one, and you fucking know it.”

  He scratches his chin, approaching me with caution, which annoys me. “He was. He will always be, but Ash, he did some fucked-up shit there at the end.”

  “Like none of us have ever fucked up?” I stand from the chair, my fists clenching and unclenching at my sides as I whirl around to face Linc again. “We all have fucked up multiple times. There’s no way he would have been anything like dad and for her to suggest that . . .”

  I can barely breathe as he stands, calmly walking over to me. “I don’t think he would ever have been exactly like our father, and Viv doesn’t either.”

  “Oh? You talked to her?”

  He shakes his head and braces his hands on my shoulders. “No. But I know what she means. We were all afraid we were going to turn into that motherfucker. So afraid, we made sure we didn’t, but Colt . . .”

  “Colt. The fucking perfect one, Linc.” It’s like I'm desperately begging him to be on my side.

  “Maybe our father was like that once too. I don’t know, and I don’t fucking care. All I know is Colt was struggling hard before he died. He had so much guilt. Guilt I didn’t understand until Viv showed up on my porch with Baz.”

  “Yeah well, you know all about guilt.”

  It’s low, but I can’t pretend Linc hasn’t done anything shitty. He fucked his brother’s girl. “Yeah. I do. I definitely do, and I'll gladly let you hate me for the rest of my life before I say anything bad about Colt, but no one is perfect. No. One.”

  What the fuck is he saying?

  “How could she have said that?”

  His head swivels to look toward the house before meeting my eyes again. “She loves you.”

  I scoff and push his hands away. “She loves me so fucking much that she wants to make me believe that Colt was anything less than perfect?”

  “Yes. She wants you to open your goddamn eyes. She wants you to move out of your grief and try to move forward.”

  “I was.” I point to my chest with anger and fear because I know he’s right. I drop my chin to my chest in defeat. “I don’t want to forget him.”

  “No one will ever forget him. Ever. He lives on.”

  “Baz.” I state matter of factly, and he nods, taking a deep breath.

  “Yes. And in us. Our future kids. We’ll still see him, and we’ll remember the good, even though maybe we understand now that . . .”

  I look up at him, my big brother who I fought so long to be nothing like. He’s mature now. Calm and happy. He’s exactly what Colt would have wanted him to be. And nothing similar to what our father wanted. “Understand what?”

  “That he wasn’t perfect.”

  I shake my head. “I refuse to believe he would have been like Dad.”

  He shrugs his large shoulders, seeming so much bigger than me in this moment even though we’re evenly matched in size. “Eh, if he wouldn’t have died and kept going down the same path, I would have beat the shit out of him and made damn sure he didn’t turn into Dad.”

  I actually smile at that because I think it’s true. “Guess Dad needed a brother like you.”

  He grins and then puts me in a headlock I wasn’t ready for. “Now, go make up with your girl.”

  I fight to get out of the headlock, going back to ten-years-old again, but the fucker has a good hold on me. “She’s not mine.”

  “Bullshit. She’s been yours since the day you moved in with her.”

  I finally get free and push him back as he gives me a grin to let me know he let that happen. “She’s a pain in the ass.”

  “Yeah, they all are. Always wanting to fix us, but we help them out too.”

  I give a curt nod but feel vulnerable when I look to him for advice. “I don’t want to be like Dad.”

  He smiles easily. “You won’t.” He starts to leave, but then turns around, grinning wide. “And if you start to act like him, I'll just beat the living shit out of you.”

  “Fucker.”

  He laughs and then walks back over to me, I guess needing to say more. “She loves you. Let her. You love her. Let yourself. And don’t fuck it up.”

  “What if I do?”

  He shrugs. “Don’t.”

  I accept his answer, and he leaves me alone to think. We all thought Colt was the good one our entire lives. But the truth is, he was only human. And he broke.

  I look back at the house and then straight ahead again. Vivienne has given me space because she’s smart enough to know I’m not ready to discuss this yet.

  But Linc’s right. I want my girl.

  I’ve been avoiding Viv like the plague. Shocker, I know. This is what I do.

  I want to go to her, but I’m a fucking coward. The things she said . . .

  I gulp, thinking about the things she said to me about Colt. About us. I lift my water glass to my lips as I take a drink and listen to the mundane, totally normal conversation at dinner. Celebrating another week being over.

  Everything feels so damn normal as I look around the table and see Hayden sitting next to Lola, and Penelope with Linc next to her. Viv is on Linc’s other side, and Baz is in between us. My mother sits next to me with Tony beside her.

  No matter how many seats we add to the table, there will always be an empty space.

  I can hear Colt’s laugh, but it’s faint. It grows quieter and quieter every single day, and it’s horrifying to me.

  How can I forget him?

  How can I tell Viv how damn much I love her and allow myself to be happy when he’s not here?

  “So, are we going to talk about that ring on your finger, little miss?” I zone back to the conversation when I hear my mother’s voice and see she’s talking to Lola.

  She’s sporting a diamond on her finger. I look to Hayden. “You finally did it?”

  He grins, beaming with pride. “I did it a while ago.”

  Lola smiles brightly. “It was inevitable, I suppose.”

  I’ve never seen her look this happy, and goddamn, I feel nothing but happiness for her. And him. “Wow. Congrats.”

  My mom is obviously pleased. “Oh, I'm so happy! Where are you two getting married? Have you set a date?”

  The lovebirds look at each other and then back at Mom. Lola is the one to answer. “Soon. Here. On the beach with everyone who’s sitting right here.”

  My mom looks happy about that and nods. I’m just fucking glad they aren’t dragging us out to the lake. I don’t think I can do that again. “That sounds lovely.”

  During the rest of dinner, everyone else is busy talking about the upcoming wedding, but my thou
ghts remain in the past. Where they always are.

  How happy would Colt be about his Pea’s long-lost brother marrying Lola? I think he would be happy.

  After dinner, I decide to try to make up for all my bastard years and do the dishes while everyone else gathers in the living room for a drink. It’s not like I'm through being a bastard, but it helps to get some points back.

  But Lola, my sweet, nosey as fuck sister, can’t help herself. She comes in under the guise of helping me out, but I know she’s here to talk.

  “Congrats, Lols. I’m happy for you.”

  She looks down at the ring with that same goofy grin she gets anytime she’s around Hayden. “Thanks. Now what are we going to do about you?”

  I roll my eyes and place a plate in the dishwasher. “There’s nothing to do.”

  “Yeah. There is, Asher. You have to move forward. I can’t be truly happy until you are.”

  “Well that sounds like a problem.”

  She crosses her arms and doesn’t let up. “She loves you. What the hell are you waiting for?”

  “I . . .” I look at her with confusion and frustration because I don’t fucking know, and she knows it.

  “She didn’t say those things to hurt you.”

  “I know.”

  She unfolds her arms and lets them drop to her sides. “She wasn’t wrong.”

  “I know that too.” My voice is quiet, and it was hard to admit that.

  “So go to her, you asshole. Be with her.”

  “Don’t you think I want to do that?” I look away from her because I can’t face her. “It feels wrong to be happy. And I'm afraid I'll blame her for it later.”

  “For making you too happy?”

  I turn to face my sister, deadly serious. Feeling sick to my stomach because I know it isn’t about wanting to fuck other women. It isn’t about my freedom. It’s the fact that’s she makes me so fucking happy I can’t stand it when my brother is gone.

  “There’s no such thing, Asher. He would want us to be happy. Hell, he always wanted that. It’s why he tried to please Dad so much. When Dad gave up on the rest of us, he focused on Colt.”

  “He saved us.”