Restorations

by Nicole Dykes

  She nods. “And I'll miss him every single day of my life. We all will. But we owe him this.”

  I swallow the guilt and shame as she hugs me, her touch full of comfort.

  “Get. Your. Girl.”

  I nod my head, understanding and squeeze her back. “Thanks for not getting married at the lake.”

  She laughs at that and pulls back, still laughing. “You’re such an asshole.”

  I laugh too and hug her again before forcing her to go back to the living room to celebrate.

  Because we should be celebrating. It’s not fair that he’s not here with us, but she’s right . . .

  I owe him this.

  I hate that he won’t talk to me. I miss him. It’s only been a couple of days, but I miss him so badly.

  Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. We were doing so well.

  After I put Baz to bed and listen to how excited he is to be in another wedding, I have to fight myself to walk past Asher’s room. Not to push open his door and force him to talk to me. Instead I walk to my own room, and gently shove the door open, feeling defeated.

  But he’s there.

  Oh my God. He’s here. He’s sitting on my bed. He looks . . . sad, but when his eyes lift and meet mine . . . I see it.

  Hope.

  “Asher?”

  “Hey.”

  It’s all he offers, but I don’t care. My heart is thundering in my chest, and I want so badly to go to him, but I'm silent.

  “I can’t say anything bad about Colt.”

  I nod my head slowly but stay put and let him talk.

  “He was everything I wanted to be. I never thought I could be good like him.”

  I want to scream that he is good. He’s so damn good. But I stay silent.

  “I loved him. And I miss him. And it felt like when everyone else was falling in love and moving on, they forgot about him.” He shakes his head from side to side. I'm dying to comfort him, but something tells me he needs to get this out. He needs to say this. So I let him.

  “He was human. He was flawed. But he was my brother.”

  I smile and walk to him, standing before him. Still not touching him. “He was.”

  He looks up at me, so lost and broken but also so damn beautiful. “He’s gone, but I'm not. I owe it to him to live my life and be as happy as I can. I’ll never stop trying to make him proud.”

  I sweep my hand over his cheek. “I didn’t know him well, but I know he would be proud. I wish you could see the good in yourself, but it’s okay if you don’t.” I cup his face in my hands. “Because I see it. I’ve always seen it.”

  “You love me.”

  I nod my head with no hesitation. “I do.”

  Please say it.

  I try to tell myself that if he still can’t say it, it’s okay. But I know deep down, I crave those words.

  “You shouldn’t.”

  I sigh and shake my head as I peer into his eyes. “It doesn’t matter because I do.”

  He grins now, his hands laying over mine and then holding onto my wrists. “I love you too.”

  My heart feels like it might burst as I try to keep from crying. “I know.”

  He laughs at that and pulls me to his lap. “So, what now, since you’re so fucking smart?”

  I kiss his lips softly, speaking between kisses. “We just be in love. We support each other and just lean into it.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “And fuck.”

  My tongue flicks at the “ck” sound, and he wags his eyebrows at me playfully, biting my neck. “That I know how to do.”

  “Oh, I know.” He flings my body under his, and I look up at him before adding with a purr I know drives him crazy, “Mr. Sterling.”

  “Fuck, Viv.” His large body hovers above mine as he looks down with me, admiration in his eyes with no guilt. “I fucking love you.”

  “I love you too.” I drag my fingers over his sides. “Now fuck me because I’ve missed you.”

  He kisses me so intensely and full of love.

  And even though I know there are hardships to come and we will most certainly fight and hurt each other.

  It will all be okay.

  Because we have each other, and it feels so perfectly permanent.

  “Isn’t she beautiful?” I smile at my mother, who’s looking over at Lola, dancing with her new husband, Hayden.

  They’re married and oh, so fucking happy. And for once, looking around at my family, seeing the smiles on their faces and the happiness there, I’m happy too.

  Insanely happy.

  Viv and I are in love, and I've stopped being an asshole about it.

  I tell her every single chance I get, which is often. We bought a house together. Of course, Linc sold it to us. Down the block from Lola and Hayden and Linc and Penelope.

  We’re moving in tomorrow.

  Viv thought it might be too fast, considering I just told her I love her a few months ago, but I reminded her I’ve been in love with her for a lot longer than that.

  That sealed the deal.

  I watch Baz dancing with Viv and smile. I hope this doesn’t fuck him up too much, but I can’t and won’t stop loving his mother.

  Although right now, he’s thrilled. Vivienne has explained to him as clearly as she can that we’re together. But to Baz, we always have been.

  Who knows, maybe the kid knew it all along.

  “Yeah, Mom. She is.”

  She looks into my eyes, and it nearly kills me because I can see the emotion there. I know she wants to talk seriously. And it seems it’s her turn. “I never wanted you to be him.”

  I sigh and sway to the music, secretly wishing the song would end so I can escape, but knowing I need to be a man. “I know, Mom. You just missed him.”

  “I’ll never forgive myself for how I acted after.” Her eyes fill up with tears. “I was so broken.”

  “You should forgive yourself. I was a dick.”

  “No. You weren’t.” Her voice is firm. “You were the strongest one. You faced it. You thought we all forgot about him, Asher, but we haven’t. We never could.” The song stops, and she stops dancing, brushing my cheek with the back of her hand. “If we had though, you would be there to remind us.”

  I nod, so much emotion catching the words that are stuck in my throat.

  And she only smiles because she knows. She nods to someone behind me and kisses my cheek before joining her husband. I feel someone approaching, and when she stops in front of me, dressed in a bright yellow sundress, I almost can’t believe it.

  “Penelope?”

  She just smiles and holds out her hand to me. “Dance with me, Asher.”

  I take her hand hesitantly, not denying her but uncertain. We’ve known each other for a long time, but still . . . we haven’t spent a lot of time together.

  Not alone.

  I’ve spent years hating her, blaming her for Colt’s death but too chicken to actually ask her about it. I feel Viv’s eyes on us, gently nudging me to do just that.

  “I don’t think this is the place.”

  She laughs as she dances with me. “I think it’s the perfect place. Ask me, Asher.”

  “I don’t want to.” It’s a quiet whisper. “Can’t we just move forward.”

  She nods her head as we dance at a distance. “Yes. If you actually can. If you have no questions in your heart. Yes. I’m happy to let you hate me forever, but I love you like a little brother. And always have.”

  Goddamn it.

  “Did you and Linc fuck when Colt was still alive?”

  The question doesn’t faze her. It’s been there for years. I accused them of it long ago. I know what I saw on prom night.

  “Yes.”

  I don’t feel the anger I thought I would. Maybe because I already knew. “For how long?”

  “Prom night was the first and only time while he was alive.”

  My throat feels raw, and I hate talking about this shit. I hate thinking about it. I look
over at Viv, who is dancing happily with Baz, and I know, in order to fully get to her, I need to put this shit to bed.

  “Did he ever know?”

  She shakes her head. “No. That night . . .” She has tears in her eyes, and even if she did cheat on my brother, I know she’s remorseful about it. And I can’t hate her, no matter how much I want to. “Asher, I don’t know what happened between me and Colt. I know we loved each other very much. I know I’m guilty of loving Linc too. But he . . .”

  She looks desperate to find the right words, and I don’t want her to fear it. “Tell me. I’m a lot older now. I can handle it.”

  “I never felt good enough for him. He was always striving to be the best. And no matter how hard I tried to get him to really, truly love me, there was something missing. Always. And prom night . . . we broke up. Or I thought we did. It doesn’t matter.”

  “You broke up the night you fucked Linc?” She never felt good enough for him. I don’t think any of us ever did.

  “We did. And then he apologized the next day, and everything got so screwed up. I don’t know. It just never felt right.”

  “So he cheated on you. But you didn’t cheat on him?”

  She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. Maybe because we were just so wrong for each other, it doesn’t matter. I loved him.”

  “I know you did.”

  She looks over at Viv and then back at me. “Make sure she knows how much you love her.”

  “That, I actually can do.”

  She kisses my cheek. “The details of the past don’t really matter. It only matters that we’re here now. That we tell Baz about Colt every chance we get, and we love each other hard until the day we die.”

  “I agree.” She lets go of me, but I stop her quickly with my words. “I’m sorry I was so horrible to you.”

  She shrugs. “Don’t stop being you. I like you just the way you are.” She says it in her best mocking, kindergarten voice, and I flip her off before I join Baz and Viv, happily dancing with them.

  Because if Colt’s watching, I want him to see it. Because all the bullshit and the grief, the fuckups and sadness, it all led us here.

  Back to each other.

  Asher starts dancing with Baz and me after talking to Penelope, and I have to admit I was holding my breath the entire time. I was afraid he was going to explode, but he seems calm, like a weight has been lifted off him.

  We dance to a fast song, throwing our hands up and having fun, but I have to ask, “Good talk?”

  He smiles and nods his head. “Yeah. It’s weird. It feels good to know the whole story, I guess, but it doesn’t really change anything.” His smile doesn’t fade as he looks down at Baz. “And it changes everything all at once.”

  “I’m glad you talked to her.”

  “I know she’s one of your best friends, so I guess I'm going to have to put up with her.”

  “That and her being married to your brother.”

  He shrugs at that, but I see the joking in his eyes. A slow song starts to play, and Baz declares it’s time to get a drink before he runs off. Asher’s hands grab my waist, holding onto me with ease. Because this asshole loves me, and I know it. He makes damn sure I do every chance he gets.

  Because the Sterlings love hard once they finally give in.

  “You want to get married some day?”

  I lay my head on his shoulder. “Please tell me that’s not your proposal.”

  I feel his strong shoulder shake with laughter. “No, but when I do propose, it will probably be similar.”

  “I would expect nothing else.” I look up at him. “Yes. I want to get married someday and make more babies with you.”

  He doesn’t look scared. I thought he’d be scared.

  “Good.” He leans down, his lips dragging over my ear. “Because I definitely want you to carry my babies.”

  I can’t deny how happy that makes me feel. Hearing his possessive growl. Hearing the love and desire in his words. It’s something I never had until him. Knowing that the next time I get pregnant, no one will make me feel guilty or ashamed about it because I’m surrounded by only good people now. The cold I felt from my parents isn’t something I have to worry about because they haven’t bothered to communicate with me for a while and I don’t want them to. “You’re already an excellent father.”

  He looks down at me now with uncertainty that makes me nervous. “He has a father.”

  I know this is hard for him as I brush my lips over his, standing on my toes to reach him. I removed my heels right after the wedding. “You’re really the only father he’s ever known.” I try to hide my nerves, but I know he sees them. “I thought maybe someday you would want to . . .”

  Shit. My heart is racing.

  He grips my chin in his hand, tilting my face up to look at him. “Viv, I want you to have my last name, and he can definitely have it too. He sure as fuck will always have me, but . . .”

  “You don’t want to adopt him?”

  He looks tortured, looking up to the sky and taking a deep breath before his gaze lowers back to mine. “I want him to know the truth. I want him to know about his real dad. But yeah, if he wants that, I’d be proud to call him my son.” He laughs, “It’s all pretty fucked-up though.”

  I laugh too. “Yeah. That one is going to be hard to explain.”

  “I’ll be happy to tell him the truth though. That I've always loved him, and that I fell hard as fuck for his mother,” his lips sweep over mine, “and I never had a chance.”

  “I like you like this. All submissive.”

  “Yeah, you’ve made me your bitch, for damn sure.”

  I laugh at that, all too happy to be in possession of this man, to own his heart fully and for him to have mine.

  “I love you, Asher Sterling.”

  “I’ll always love you, Vivienne Crenshaw.”

  “Soon to be Sterling?”

  He just grins and holds me closer. “Very. Soon.”

  It feels like a promise and one I can’t wait for.

  “I think I would love to be Mrs. Sterling.”

  His eyes flash with want, and I feel it too as I bite my bottom lip. He groans, pressing his body to mine with a promise for later.

  I never thought, when I got pregnant in high school, I would end up here dancing with the brother of my son’s father. I never thought, when he moved in with me, it would lead to having him with me forever. I never thought, when I left him in Kansas, he would come back to me.

  But now I see everything is exactly how it was meant to be.

  ONE YEAR LATER

  Our wedding was perfect. Pretty much like Lola’s except it was in our backyard, not hers. Baz was my best man. Everyone else was in the very small audience, including Sawyer.

  Yes. Sawyer.

  I couldn’t help it. I let the fucker back in. He never loved Viv, but I get why he wanted to. I get why she wanted to love him too.

  And he’s the best friend I've ever had since Colt.

  “I’m so fucking glad you aren’t just a sad, pathetic, broken motherfucker like I thought.” I shake my head as Sawyer lifts a glass to his lips.

  “This is why we didn’t have a toast.”

  It’s just him and me right now since Vivienne, my new wife, is dancing with Hayden. “I’m so happy for you, man.”

  “One joke about how you’ve been inside my wife, and I swear to Christ I will punch you in the fucking face.”

  He chuckles at that, knowing damn well I’ll do it. “That’s disgusting,” he jokes, and with a sly smirk he adds, “and I have.”

  “I’m going to go to jail on my wedding day.”

  He laughs easily. “Okay, I'll stop. But if shit gets too boring in your matrimony, you can always count on me. I’ll be your third as long as your dick stays away from me.”

  I roll my eyes. “Jesus Christ. Only you would be thinking about threesomes on my wedding day.”

  He shrugs. “I’m just being a good best friend.
”

  “Yeah well, you better file away those memories for your spank bank because you’re never touching her again.”

  He takes another drink, but he doesn’t look at her like a lost love. I know it wasn’t real love with them, maybe it was just getting through while they suffered.

  “It’s not too late, man. You could call her.”

  Now he swallows hard, the bitterness replacing the happiness there just moments ago. “Nah, I fucked that up good.”

  “People change. Viv and I made it. Maybe you and Piper can too.”

  He looks distant now, the only time he’s serious is when he’s thinking about her. “She’s working for my brother.” Oh. Shit. He takes a drink, his eyes darkening. “Probably fucking him by now.”

  “She wouldn’t fuck that asshole.”

  His eyes meet mine. “Why wouldn’t she? It’s the perfect revenge.”

  I would love to say his brother wouldn’t do that to him, but he definitely would. His brother hates him. And the feeling is mutual.

  “It can’t hurt to try, man. You have her initial inked on your chest. You clearly still have feelings for her.”

  “Stupid drunken mistake.” He grins and places a hand on my shoulder. “I’m happy with you being the one who made it, man. You deserve it. And I guess I'm just going to have to settle for fucking nameless, faceless women forever.”

  I roll my eyes, knowing he’s trying his best to make it seem like he’s fine.

  Vivienne and Baz walk over, and Baz jumps into my arms and then waves at Sawyer.

  I want to see him happy, but he’s right.

  This is exactly where I want to be. It’s exactly where I was supposed to end up. And I’ll be damned if I mess this up.

  I’ll never be my father, or Linc, or Colt.

  I’m Asher fucking Sterling, husband to Vivienne Sterling, and that will always be who I am.

  TWO YEARS LATER

  I fill my teacher’s assistant in before running out of my classroom and down the hall to Baz’s classroom. I signal to his teacher and quickly tell him that Baz and I have to go to the hospital because Viv is in labor.

  My heart is racing, and I can’t fucking get there fast enough.