Winter Blues

by Jade Goodmore

  During dessert, Darlene excuses herself from the table to use the restroom. Mine is not the only head that turns to watch her leave. I’m both proud and appalled but excused of my worry by a sharp ringing that comes from her purse. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t even think of looking, but Darlene’s actions haven’t been completely wholesome lately.

  I take the phone and place it on my lap to delve where I have never needed to delve before. The missed call flashes across the screen but it is an unsaved number. That doesn’t negate my concern. I go to her messages and find the same number there from earlier today. When I find a message signed off with a ‘B’ the red explodes. Text message after text message are relayed of how they miss each other, and about how he needs to back off, but her words hold no malice. None like he deserves. It doesn’t match the vision I had in my head of her busting his lip as she told him he was the biggest mistake of her life and that if he came near her again she would kill him.

  Disappointed is an understatement, or completely the wrong word. Furious would be a better description of how I currently feel. Blood red blemishes every inch of the room and so I close my eyes. My teeth clamp together like a snare and the phone almost collapses in on itself under the force of my grip. I breathe deep, counteracting my anger with the logic that I am in a crowded room surrounded by the people in control of my paycheck.

  “You okay, man?” James’ voice is a distant distraction. When I open my eyes I see his are not the only eyes on me. I slip the phone back into Darlene’s open purse.

  “Yes, umm, I have a headache.” He nods in response but he believes me about as much as I believe myself.

  Darlene approaches, oblivious to the hungry eyes that follow her as well as my obvious discomfort. She smiles warmly at me but it doesn’t compare to the heat that travels through my veins.

  “You okay?” she asks. The V forms between her brows but it doesn’t offer its usual reprieve.

  “Headache,” I announce and she leaves it at that.

  28

  REID

  After several speeches about the latest successes of the charity and the work still to be done, a crash of cymbals signals the end of dinner and the band starts up in yet another room. We are herded into the open space with tables surrounding a large square dance floor, and a bar on the nearside. Darlene’s eyes come alive at the band. Drums, piano, trumpets, saxophones, trombones. She’s pulling me to the dance floor with a smile I can’t deny, even now.

  I gather her in my arms, a hand around her waist and the other entwined with her fingers. We move in sync, but tension is clear in both my frame and step. It doesn’t take Darlene long to notice. “This music is meant to make you happy,” she says, frowning a playful frown, that V failing to encourage me from my angst.

  “Well, I’m not as good at pretending as you are, evidently.”

  She tilts her head, her energy slipping. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Sounds like more than nothing.”

  “You know what?” I pull away. “I don’t feel like dancing anymore. Let’s drink.”

  She nods despite her obvious annoyance and I walk to the bar with her trailing behind. I order us beers and she rolls her eyes as she brings the bottle to her mouth.

  “What?” I bite, unable to stop myself.

  “Corona doesn’t really go with all of this,” she replies, signaling to her dress and then the plush room around us.

  “Well, I’m sorry. Maybe James will buy you champagne,” I mumble beneath my breath before taking a drawn out swig.

  “Sorry?”

  “Forget it. Excuse me.”

  I don’t turn back as I stalk off in search of the bathroom. I can feel the red mist descending again and I’m aware of how inappropriate it is, but I can’t stop it. James is becoming an outlet for the hatred, the jealousy, the anger I feel having been so bitterly reminded of Blue and what they have done. James’ actions are insignificant in comparison, but they’re all I have to openly relieve some of my frustration.

  The restroom offers no calm but I splash my face with cool water regardless. I mentally chastise myself for getting so worked up over something I already knew about and for using James’ sickening flirting as a means to vent. I know Darlene doesn’t care for James, I do; he’s a complete sleaze and she’d be blind not to see that, but my irrationality is unaffected by forced logic. The only option is to remove myself from the situation, and that means removing Darlene too. Let’s go home and pretend this whole evening never happened. We’ll slip right back into the roles we have been playing for the last couple of days because at home, alone, the pretence comes easier.

  With determination I seek out Darlene but I’m cruelly tested when I find her on the dance floor with none other than James himself. I watch for as long as I can stand. His thumb strokes too much against her back, his chest is pressed too close to hers, his smile too perfect to be natural. The ropes of my restraint have snapped and I’m freed in my increasing anger, but I know where I am and I know how I should be behaving. I’m pushing through the dancing couples until my chest brushes James’ back. He stops at once but I speak into his ear before he can turn.

  “Let go of her,” I mince through my clenched jaw.

  “Excuse me?” he replies, turning his head to look at me. He has to look up a little and I’m thankful for the advantage.

  “Neither of us wants this to escalate, so I suggest you take your slimy hands off of my wife and I won’t beat the living shit out of you.”

  He does as he’s told but he doesn’t stand down.

  “Reid!” exclaims Darlene in a hushed shout, pushing to separate us. “You’re being ridiculous.”

  “I’m ridiculous? Who’s the one unashamedly pawing at another man’s wife?” I direct my question to James, who is mere inches from my face.

  “Pawing? Get a fucking grip, Daley. We were dancing. If you can’t handle that then that’s your issue, not mine.”

  James has hit the nail on the head but I’ll be damned if I’m going to admit that now. “Come on, Darlene,” I urge, reaching for her hand as I turn to leave. She pulls it sharply from my grip and looks at me with utter disgust. I stare at her bare back as she makes her way outside but the second we are free from the hotel she turns and pushes me hard in the chest.

  “Are you for real? Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?” A deafening clap from the heavens highlights her anger, and seconds later the skies light up a nightmarish white. She automatically flinches closer before correcting herself.

  “How embarrassing do you think that was for me?” I counter and without missing a beat ask, “Are you fucking James?”

  The slap comes louder and harsher than the thunder, leaving a bitter sting behind. When my head flicks back to her, her face shows hurt that goes far deeper than my words. She may not be fucking James, but she’s fucking somebody, and I in no way deserved that slap. She knows it.

  “I’m not fucking James,” she mutters before turning and walking away. I follow, my feet matching hers like I am tied to her.

  “So you just let anybody flirt with you like that? Hold you like that? Those are the actions of a slut, Darlene, not my wife!” The words spill from my mouth with no filter but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t true. Nor are they lies. Just reactions, I guess.

  She spins with determination but her words falter at her mouth, unleashing nothing but a growl before turning back and walking more.

  “Where are you going?” I ask as she walks past the parking lot we need.

  “Home!” she cries over the low rumbles of a festering storm.

  “Then you’re going the wrong way. The cars over here!” I stand firm, pointing to the exit we need.

  “I’m not getting in a goddamn car with you, Reid! I don’t want to be near you. Just go, I’ll get home by myself.”

  “No way! You’re being fucking childish.”

  “And you’re being a fucking hypocrite. There
is no bigger child than you right now!”

  I rattle out a chesty growl before shouting, “Fine!” I storm off in the direction of the car, kicking the wheels and hitting the roof in unbridled irritation. Inside the car, I calm my breath as best I can but it still exerts itself with pace. I turn the ignition and feather the gas until the car lurches forward. It screams around the parking lot and out onto the street as I look for Darlene. I don’t have to look far. Those damn heels allow little more than baby steps.

  The rain has started with no build up, it’s thick and immediate and it bounces off of her skin as she moves jacket-less through the street. I lower the window as I slow to her side.

  “Get in the car, Darlene.”

  “Never!”

  “Get in the goddamn car, now!” I shout, my voice loud but dampened by the prickling sound of the rain hitting tarmac. “Please, just get in the car and listen to me.”

  “You do not get to tell me what to do, especially after calling me a slut and accusing me of sleeping with James, of all fucking people, Reid!”

  “So you’d rather walk and catch pneumonia than allow me to apologize?”

  “I won’t. I’ll get the train.” She points to a sign signaling to a station.

  “You’re serious?” I’m sickened by her answering nod. Things are that bad? I push my foot to the floor and spin away, not looking back as I battle with the return of red.

  29

  DARLENE

  My purse is without any money, a fact that I forgot in my angry stubbornness. I check once, twice, but no money magically appears. What the fuck do I do now? I’m huddled under a sparse tree and already shaking from the cold. All I have is makeup and my phone. I doubt Reid would come back even if I called him. Not that I want him to.

  I can’t believe his actions tonight.

  He was completely out of character and so far removed from the kind soul I fell in love with that it scared me. If I understood it I could maybe accept it, but it was so random, the anger coming sharp and from nowhere. He has never called me names like that before, and whether I deserve it or not, I didn’t like it.

  A yellow cab sails past in the distance and I briefly contemplate hailing one and asking it to wait while I retrieve cash from the apartment, but I know I have none there and I’m not about to ask Reid for help.

  I flick through my phone contacts and single out all of five numbers from Chicago; Reid, my new school, Veda, Nile and of course, Blue. Nile doesn’t have a car which means my only hope is Veda.

  She doesn’t answer.

  I’m about to sit on the cold floor and cry when my phone lights up with her returned call. I answer quickly and immediately hear the sound of a noisy bar.

  “Where’ve you been, girl?” she greets, clearly multi-tasking.

  “Around,” I mumble. “Hey, Veda, are you busy?”

  Stupid question.

  “I’m working, but I get off in an hour. What’s up?”

  I sigh. “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”

  “Darl, is everything okay? You sound weird.” I hear Veda being spoken to away from the phone. “Hold on,” she says. “…Yes…I don’t know…Blue!”

  There’s a shuffle down the line before…

  “Darlene?”

  Shit.

  “Hi, Blue.”

  “Everything okay?”

  “No, but I’ll figure it out.”

  The background noise suddenly disappears at the sound of a door closing. “I tried calling you earlier,” Blue continues.

  “You did?” He didn’t. I heard nothing. “I couldn’t have answered anyway. I’m at a charity dinner.”

  “With Reid?”

  “Well, I was.”

  “Was?”

  I can’t possibly talk to Blue about this, nor can I ask him for a ride. “Can you put Veda back on please?”

  “Where’s Reid now?”

  I hesitate before answering, “I don’t know. We argued. I’m stuck across town. And it’s raining.” I fold my arms around myself as the reasons for my being here push to the forefront of my mind.

  Thunder claps and I flinch. “Wait, you’re outside? In this?”

  “Yes,” I answer, my chin wobbling. I bite my lip to stop the weakness I feel from spilling over the phone.

  I hear him curse. “What’s the address?”

  I rattle off the best attempt of an address that I can. Having lived here all his life he knows exactly where I mean. Thank God. Before hanging up he promises me he will be as quick as he can.

  He’s not lying.

  He cuts ten minutes off the thirty minute drive it took Reid to get here. I’m a shivering mess when a sleek car pulls up curbside. It’s shiny black all over except for two matt lines that run parallel over the top of the body. The passenger door pops open and I move quickly inside.

  “What the fuck happened?” Blue asks, his voice sharp as he scans my dripping, shuddering body. I shake my head, determined to hold back the tears. A rumble echoes from deep in his chest as he exits the car. I watch in surprise as he rushes to the rear. He retrieves something from the trunk and slips back into the driver seat. A thick tartan blanket is unfolded and wrapped around my shoulders. I pull it close and stutter out a thank you.

  “When you’re warm you’re going to tell me exactly what happened.” His voice is hard, unarguable, as he turns up the heating and moves us into the road.

  We drive in a tense quietness, the only sound being my chattering teeth. Blue watches me more than he watches the road, making me increasingly nervous. When my body is thawed and my jaw slack Blue eyes me expectantly and so I distract him.

  “I like this car. What is it?”

  “A Dodge Challenger. Stop trying to distract me. So...?” I turn from his stare, finding the rain against the window more comforting than this conversation will inevitably be. “Pilgrim…” his voice is soft, pleading.

  “We had an argument, Reid and I. I didn’t want to be around him so I told him I’d get the train home, only I forgot I had no money on me.” I’m embarrassed by my stupidity. The flush of my cheeks is evident of that.

  The car swerves harshly to the right, taking an exit onto a quiet, dimly lit street. I look to Blue to find his jaw tense and his knuckles taut over the steering wheel as he shuts off the engine.

  “He left you there?”

  “No, I told him to leave me there.”

  “I’ll kill him,” he grinds through tight teeth.

  “What? No, you’re making this sound worse than it is.”

  “He left you alone, miles from home, in an area you don’t know. Team that with the fact that it is pouring with rain and you’re wearing next to nothing. How am I making that sound worse than it is?”

  He sure paints a vivid picture.

  But he wasn’t there.

  He doesn’t know how it all went down.

  “I deserved it,” I whisper.

  “Don’t you dare!”

  “It’s true! He accused me of sleeping with his colleague.”

  “What?”

  “He’s not way off the mark though, is he? Regardless of who he thinks I’m fucking, I’ve still fucked someone other than him! I deserve this.”

  “Hey!” He turns in his seat until he is facing me as much as his large frame will allow. “Don’t undermine what we had by painting it with such a shitty word. Despite what you think I didn’t fuck you. And despite your actions you are not a bad person.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “I’m serious. If you were getting everything you needed at home then you wouldn’t have been tempted to stray by an idiot like me.”

  “You’re not an idiot,” I placate after a moment of silence, shaking my head. “You’re sweet. You drove all the way across town for someone who’s treated you like crap.” I slip my fingers over his hand, stroking softy with the pad of my thumb in a silent thank you.

  “I drove all the way across town because I care for you. Babe, I think...I think I’ve fallen
in love with you.”

  A noticeable breath rips from my mouth. I slump backwards but Blue gathers my hands in his and holds them to his chest. I feel the heavy pounds of an accelerated heartbeat. He nods, answering a question I have not verbally asked.

  “I love you, Darlene, and it’s killing me watching you with him, especially when he treats you like this. You should be worshipped, daily, hourly. Let me worship you. I love you.” He brings my hands to his mouth and brandishes my cold hands with hot kisses.

  “You’re not in love with me. You’re in love with the idea of me.”

  “You’re in denial. What more do I need to do to prove my love to you?”

  “Blue, please. This is the wrong moment to confuse me with your idealized confessions.”

  “I’m not trying to confuse you. I’m trying to help you see that there are options other than your husband. We could have so much fun.”

  “And for how long?”

  “Let’s find out.” Heated kisses spread up my arm until I am so hot I no longer need the blanket.

  “It’s too much, Blue. I’m trying to get you out of my head.”

  “Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be.” I don’t have the brainpower to find a fault with his logic. Rationality is vanishing with the chill. Before I know it I am pulled across the short distance between us and into the arms I have been denying all week. Sitting astride him, he claims me immediately, with his mouth, his hands.

  His ability to make me forget my loyalties is a gift, or a curse. He’s about to claim me completely, his trousers undone and his impressive length ready at my entrance, when uninstructed tears pool in my eyes. My defenses have been left unguarded and consequently the dam has been broken. Again. Tears fall, hot and sticky, and I am reminded of why I held back for so many years. The release that comes with crying is bittersweet; the body is grateful but the mind is not soothed. Not mine at least. With the tears comes the reminder of how poor my life has become.

  Two hands cradle my face as dark bullets pierce my eyes. “Don’t cry. Not because of me.”