Winter Blues

by Jade Goodmore

  “It isn’t your fault. It’s me. I’ve never hated myself as much as I do now. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I want this so much, but it’s wrong. I wish I could love you and not Reid. It would make this so much easier, but I can’t. I can’t and I’m sorry.” I speak through sobs and sniffles and when I’m finished I am crushed into Blue’s chest.

  “Shh. Stop crying, I can’t bear it.”

  “I don’t think I can stop,” I sob.

  “How can I make this better, babe?”

  I take a deep breath and muster some resolve. “Take me home, Blue.”

  His sigh matches mine as he kisses me softly on the forehead. “Okay, let’s get you home, Pilgrim.”

  30

  REID

  Trains come and go and Darlene is not on any of them. I’ve been at the station waiting for the last thirty minutes and I’ve been increasingly going out of my mind. I finally leave the station and get back in my car, panicking that for some reason she didn’t get on the train.

  The drive back to where I left her is quick. My anxiety levels are high enough to disregard the fear of being caught speeding. I make it there in twenty minutes but I’m still too late. She’s not here. I check the whole of the station and ask several employees if they have seen her. They haven’t. I call her for the hundredth time but it is left unanswered.

  Weaving through the city, I check the stations on the same line as ours, wondering if she got off at the wrong stop. My panic levels are through the roof when they offer nothing. If she hasn’t gotten the train then where the hell is she? I’ll never forgive myself if anything happens to her, heck, I will never forgive myself anyway. I can’t believe I let my anger lead my actions. I was stupid to speak to her the way that I did, but an outburst was unavoidable. However, leaving her alone in the middle of the city was stupid, neglectful and something I will be ashamed of for the rest of my existence.

  It’s with a heavy heart that I head home. I’m hoping to find her warm in our bed, shit, I’d even take her sitting in that damn chair. But my hope is thin. The elevator is too slow for my impatience and so I drum my foot to a frantic beat. When it opens I all but race to our apartment, my nervous hand struggling with the lock. I open the door and fall softly into the frame when I immediately hear the sound of the shower from down the hall.

  Thank fuck.

  I pad into the apartment on heavy feet, the adrenaline having left my body tired. I can’t relax yet though. I have a mammoth apology to undertake and I don’t think it’s going to be easily received.

  I shrug off my jacket and undo my tie before knocking on the bathroom door. There’s no answer. I don’t want to wait any longer than I have already, so I open the door and step inside. The room is cloudy but I can see her dress thrown over the bathtub and her underwear on the floor. I swallow hard, not wanting the thought of her being naked to overpower the sincerity of what I am about to say.

  “Darlene?”

  “I don’t want to talk to you right now, Reid,” she calls over the top of the water. There’s no surprise in her voice.

  “Well I think we’ve gone long enough not talking, don’t you?” I step closer to the shower. I can see her bare body’s silhouette through the frosted glass. The blurriness does nothing to hinder her beauty. “Please, just let me apologize.”

  The door to the shower immediately opens and Darlene’s head peers out. Makeup is smeared over her eyes, her hair wet and clinging to her face. “Apologize for what? Leaving me or your behavior before that?” Her blue eyes are rimmed with pink and it’s obvious that she has been crying. The weight of guilt I feel doesn’t feel like an actual weight at all. It’s as if gravity has intensified, pulling my whole body to the floor and leaving me struggling to stand.

  “For both. I was upset and angry, and I acted on impulse. It’s no excuse, but...I am sorry.”

  “Do you really think that I’m sleeping with James?”

  “No.”

  “Then why were you so upset?”

  “Because...” Another opportunity to admit it all passes by unused. “Because I know what James is like and I hated him showing you so much attention. Then I saw his hands on you and I saw red. I reacted without thought and I can barely even remember what I was thinking. I can’t apologize enough.”

  “Regardless of what you think of James, do you think I would do that to you?” Doubt consumes her; it’s obvious in all of her features, as does remorse, so how can she ask me this? How can she make me feel guilty for thinking this way?

  “No.”

  Her chin quivers with noticeable restraint and she bites her lip. She turns her head away. “Can I finish my shower now?”

  I’m mid nod and about to turn away when I remember. “I waited at the station for you. I went back for you and then I searched everywhere. You wouldn’t answer your phone. I’ve been worried. How did you get home?”

  The second I see her eyes widen, I know.

  “I got a ride.”

  “With who?”

  “Blue.”

  My breath escapes me and my fists clench in a reflex reaction to that name falling from her lips. His name is like a punch to the windpipe. I don’t even see red; the upset I feel transcends that. I’m cold, not hot. The fine hair on my neck and arms is standing to attention. I swallow repeatedly, quenching the bile that lingers in my throat, and when I can finally breathe again I stare harshly.

  “You said you’d never see him again.”

  She narrows her eyes at me. “No, you told me not to go to The Nest anymore. You didn’t tell me to never see Blue again. Besides, I didn’t agree to either.”

  My determination to stick this out is melting before me. If I’ve made no headway in this sickening competition with Blue after I have already suffered so much at his hands then what’s the point? All I have is hope, and now that’s fading too. The pain has been bearable when I felt like I had the advantage, but knowing that she has fallen straight back into his arms the moment my game slips makes the pain intolerable.

  “But,” she continues, her voice soft and her eyes sad. “You don’t have to worry about that anymore. I won’t be seeing him again and I won’t be going to The Nest.” She sighs heavily and then her chin lifts as if she has taken pride in her decision. “Happy now?”

  I step closer and she angles herself behind the door. I can’t see anything, but I’m not even trying to. She’s decided of her own accord that she is not going to have any more to do with him. Even after my despicable behavior. The very moment that could have seen them running off into the sunset together has seen her running back to me, angry, but she’s here nonetheless.

  She chose me.

  She chose me.

  I try not to smile, lord, I try not to smile. A smile now would look bizarre in the shadow of this evening, but I can’t bite back my happiness. I cover my mouth with my fist as I step closer still. She looks bewildered.

  “Why are you smiling?” she asks, her nose wrinkled.

  “Because I’m happy.” I’m inches from her, the heat of the shower breathing over me and the lure of her nudity pulling me closer.

  “Reid...” In a risky move I place my thumb over her lips, my fingers faint against her jaw.

  “I love you.” I replace my thumb with my lips but the enjoyment lasts only a second. She flinches away. Her breath has quickened and I can tell that she is as equally affected as me, but she’s stubborn.

  “I’m still pissed at you.”

  “I’m pissed at myself.” I kick off my shoes and tear off my socks. She eyes my actions with confusion.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m seizing the moment. My wife has finally submitted to what I have asked of her and I want to celebrate.” I nudge the shower door open and step to her. She in turn steps back, straight into the stream of running water. It hits the back of her shoulders and careers over her curves.

  “I’m not doing as I’m told, I’m...” I pull her to me, resting my forehead against h
ers, silently pleading with her to stop talking.

  “Please, just let me have this one.”

  Confusion laces her brows together. I can only imagine how my actions mismatch my words. I’m a huge contradiction and I hate not being able to explain myself to her. But I don’t need to anymore. She has chosen me and I won’t have to worry about Blue ever again. I intend on celebrating that, and reclaiming her.

  My wife.

  “You’re clothes,” she breaths, running her hands over my white shirt that has turned sheer with the water.

  “I don’t care.” I take the black tie from around my collar and place it loosely around the back of her neck. Slowly, I unbutton my shirt and slip it from my shoulders, letting it pool at my feet. I remove my trousers and boxer shorts and kick the collection into the corner.

  We are standing a foot apart, our breathing equally heavy. I reach up and guide her to me by either side of the tie. She doesn’t resist my kiss, nor does she respond. She offers nothing, her hands weighted at her sides, but she can’t fool me. Her eyes are softly closed and her nipples are hard against my chest. I’ll tease her from her stubbornness. I won’t stop until she’s boneless in my arms.

  My hands hold each side of her face as I work with dead lips. I seek entrance into her mouth and at the touch of her tongue I find electricity. It’s not powerful but it’s there. It’s enough to stir this ice queen to life. She angles her head and tangles her tongue with mine, her hands falling gently to my chest. I drop a hand to the small of her back, forcing her flush against me, against all of me. She groans at the hardness against her stomach, but it’s reserved, she’s still holding back.

  I tear my lips from hers, leaning them against her sensitive ear instead. “You’re mad at me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then use it.” She pulls back enough to look at me, the heat in her eyes growing with anger. “Show me how pissed you are.” Our eyes don’t relent for several seconds, and then she surprises me, crashing her lips to mine with aggression and purpose. Her hands lock around my neck as she pulls me to her. Falling against the tiled wall, her leg immediately hitches up around my waist. I follow her lead, taking her knee and lifting it higher until my erection is between her thighs. She grinds her hips, looking and finding some friction and I groan in uncontained elation at the feel of her wet against me. My mouth drifts to her breast, immediately taking her into my mouth, sucking hard and using my teeth with restraint. Her hand tangles roughly into my wet hair, keeping me at her breast as she pants with pleasure.

  “Let’s see if you’re ready, baby,” I say as my hand glides around her thigh, between her legs, over myself and eases into her effortlessly. “Fuck. You’ve been ready all along, haven’t you?” She moans angrily as my fingers pump into her and my thumb brings her to the edge.

  “Now, Reid!” she orders between gritted teeth.

  Lifting my mouth to hers, I hover there as I push into her, feeling her heated breath against my lips as she expands around me. I’m throbbing already so I hold still, attempting to reign in some control. I lick the water from her neck, her collarbone, her breast, admiring her perfect form.

  “You’re so beautiful, Darl. You feel so amazing,” I breathe as I begin to move slowly.

  “No, don’t be sweet. Be mean. Fuck me hard like I deserve,” she snaps. I’m shocked, even more so when I look up to see her eyes glistening. The water against us camouflages the tears, but the glassiness of her eyes is unmistakable. I don’t let her know that I’ve seen her upset. To acknowledge it would mean having to ask what’s wrong and I already know. I don’t need her to feel even worse for having to admit it. She needs this and I’ll give it to her.

  I take her bottom lip between my teeth and tug harshly. Her eyes snap to mine, out of her own world and back into this moment. I suck her bottom lip into my mouth before letting go.

  Nose to nose, I ask, “You want this hard?”

  “Yes. God, yes,” she says, her head rolling back.

  In one swift movement I lift her completely off the floor, wrapping her other leg around my hip. With her hands braced on my shoulder she grips me tight.

  “Yes, you’d better hold real fucking tight.”

  With a harsh grip I guide her hips, moving them with my hard thrusts. I completely let go, pounding into her aggressively, spurred on by the healthy screams of pleasure pouring from her mouth. Her nails dig into my skin, threatening to draw blood. I’d welcome it. We are bound by no restraints, no etiquette, and it’s empowering, energizing. I delight in her thighs squeezing me tight and her breasts, bouncing with each movement.

  “Fuck!” I call as I begin to feel her squeezing me internally. The feeling is out of this world and it’s impossible not to be drawn to the edge by it. I’m not jumping without giving her everything I have. “Wrap your arms around my neck and...just hold on.”

  She does, and I push us away from the wall. I have a firm grip of her ass as I turn her away from the stream of water, letting it fall against my back instead. I work against her, bucking her off of me wildly as I go balls deep inside of her. I can feel every bit of her against me as I hit a soft wall at her very deepest.

  The sensation is mind blowing.

  “Oh my God! Reid!” she screams as she comes and it echoes against the tiled tomb around us, coercing me into an extraordinary finish. I groan loudly as she wrings out every bit of my release. My head is buried against her chest and her dainty fingers are fixed into my hair. I want to stay like this forever, joined and sated, but my legs feel like they are about to buckle. I set her down and hold her to me, steadying her as she sways softly.

  Once out of the shower I reach for a towel and use it to dry the ends of her hair. She doesn’t bat me away like she usually would and the thought is all too sobering. I wrap the towel around her and choose to forego mine.

  I’m not done with her yet.

  I guide her to our bedroom and take her soft lips once more. She’s more susceptible to my advances now that she has burnt off some anger. A smile even toys at her lips as I kiss her nose, her forehead, her cheek.

  Pulling back, I wait for her reaction to what I am about to say. “So, now that you’ve got your fuck, do I get my love?”

  Her eyebrows lift a little before they narrow together, her little V appearing and causing me to kiss it. “That was love. It’s always love with you.”

  I nod, not really believing her. “Still, I want to make love to you in our bed. I want to savor every single bit of you, slowly. I want to be able to tell you how beautiful you are without you shutting me out. I’ll never want to stop telling you how beautiful you are. It’s your own fault for looking the way you do.”

  She chuckles lightly and I take that as my cue. I lean her back onto the bed and linger over her.

  “I love you so much, Darl. These difficulties we’re having are powerless to my love. Nothing can defeat it. Do you understand that?”

  She sighs sadly but nods and moves to kiss me. I let her. And then I show her how I can make it all better.

  31

  DARLENE

  Love is easy. It requires no thought, just feeling. What you do with that love is up to you. You can shut it out, refuse it, and live the rest of your life looking for it again, or you can embrace it and work through the issues that accompany it. Most issues are resolved easily, then when the timing is right, well then there’s marriage.

  Love is easy, marriage is hard, but trust? Trust is the hardest.

  Reid and I have never truly tested trust. I mean, there were issues when we first met regarding my gigs, but nothing as substantial as what we are going through now. My loyalty to Reid has been broken and while I work to fix it karma has crept up and hit me on the head. Here I sit, debilitated in disbelief as I hold Reid’s phone in my hand. The text message is from a Quinn and it reads...

  -So when am I going 2 get 2 c u again? We could hit another bar, w/o Missy tho. I want you all 2 myself this time! xxx-

  I don’t k
now what drove me to check his phone when it buzzed. I have never looked through his phone before. I have never needed to. It’s only ever work that calls him since we moved here. But it was just sitting in my eye line when it sounded and when I saw the female name I couldn’t stop myself from picking it up and investigating. Turns out my own trustworthiness has blighted the ease in which I trust others.

  The shower is still echoing from down the hall but Reid has already been some time. I have minutes to decide how to proceed. That’s not long enough. I need a moment away from here to think this through. I’m dressed in my yoga pants and a thin t-shirt, so I throw on a jacket, maybe I’ll go to the park. I slip on some running shoes, maybe I’ll run. I take some cash, maybe I’ll grab a coffee.

  Or maybe I’ll just go.

  I leave Reid’s phone open on the breakfast bar and scribble a note.

  And then I leave.

  REID

  I’m whistling as I leave the shower. The very act has me smiling, which makes it difficult to whistle, but the whistling is just further evidence of how happy I am this morning. Last night was amazing. What preceded it was excruciating but it if resulted in Darlene being able to finally shut down her Blue affair then it was totally worth it.

  We made up all night. We made more promises and we reminisced. We barely managed any sleep but today is Sunday and if Sunday’s aren’t for being lazy then I don’t know what is.

  The apartment is quiet as I approach the kitchen. I left Darlene finishing her breakfast so I assumed that’s where she’d still be. I guess I took longer than I thought. I wonder, hopefully, if she went back to bed. I check the bedroom, nothing. A little nervous now, I look for my phone to call her, finding it on the breakfast bar, on top of a scribbled note.

  I need a moment.

  My heart flutters quickly in my chest as I unlock my phone to call her. It opens up to a message rather than to the home screen. It’s a message from Quinn.

  Who’s Quinn?