The Swap

by Megan Shull

  “Just keep breathing,” I whisper. “Keep moving forward.”

  Elle looks at me and laughs. “You sound just like Jett.”

  “Ha, yeah.” I grin. “I guess I do.”

  It’s so weird, it’s like she knows me now. I guess I kind of know her too.

  I turn to her and smile and hold on to her hand tighter as we walk. When we are a good ten yards away from them all, I look back over my shoulder at Sassy.

  Oh, yeah. You think I can resist? No. She’s the biggest clown of all time. I make sure to toss in a wave and a really big smile.

  41

  ELLIE

  OH MY GOSH. MY HEART is racing! My cheeks are sweaty hot. Jack is holding my hand, and the two of us are walking away from everyone fast!

  “Are you crazy?” I ask.

  “Just let’s go, I’ll explain,” Jack says, gripping my hand tighter. “Keep walking for the swings.” He nods toward the older kids’ playground on the other side of the school. “Nice hair, by the way.” Jack shakes his head and smiles. “You could have made me look somewhat decent.” He stops, drops my hand, and runs his fingers over the prickly buzz.

  “Dude,” he says. “That feels so weird!”

  I start to explain. “Sorry! I, um—”

  “Let me guess.” Jack begins to walk, weaving his fingers through mine again, leading me along. I’m surprised how relieved I feel at the touch.

  “Gunner took you to Geno’s?”

  I nod.

  “He ordered up a fade?” Jack smiles and shakes his head.

  “Pretty much, and he got one too,” I tell him, remembering it all. The chair. The clippers. The clumps of thick, dark hair falling to the floor.

  Jack’s eyes bug out. “Gunner buzzed his hair, for real?”

  “Down to the scalp,” I tell him, relieved that this fact seems to make Jack happy. We keep walking. Still holding hands. It’s weird, but it doesn’t feel strange anymore. It feels like I’m with a really good friend.

  At the swings, I let go and look around. There’s nobody in sight. All the other kids are back on the other side of the school, where we left them, at the kindergarten playground. It’s quiet, and dark, except for the stars and a chorus of chirping crickets and the occasional frog.

  I drop into one of the two side-by-side swings and push off, swaying lightly in the dark. For a minute neither of us talks. Then—

  “Elle,” begins Jack, sitting back in the swing beside me. “Hey, like, what did you tell The Captain about hockey tomorrow?”

  I look back at him, confused. “You have hockey tomorrow?”

  Oh, god.

  He just stares straight ahead with this sad, blank look. “Man, I’ve never missed a practice in my life,” he speaks into the dark. “We have a game Monday night.” Jack turns back to me. He looks bummed. “I don’t know what else we can do. I guess you’ll just have to act like you’re sick.”

  “Sick?” I picture myself with a washcloth draped across my forehead, pretending to shiver under Jack’s thin blanket in his bed.

  Jack pushes off, swinging back. “Look, the thing is, The Captain will tell you to play even if you’re sick.”

  “Play if I’m sick?” I repeat. My mom would never do that.

  Jack takes a deep breath, stopping the swing. “‘Be a man. No excuses. Skate through it.’ That’s what he’ll say.”

  I nod. I feel bad for him.

  “Are you a good actress?” he asks, sounding suddenly hopeful.

  I look back at him with my most reassuring smile. “Well, I’m you, aren’t I?”

  “True,” says Jack, finally cracking a smile. “Just . . . I’m warning you, all right? It’ll get heated. The Captain, I mean. You know, be prepared.”

  “I can handle it,” I tell him. Even though I’m not exactly sure I can.

  For a long time we don’t swing. We just sit and hang, our hands both up, gripped around the chains, staring into the quiet, shady darkness.

  “Well, what about you?” I ask, looking his way. It’s so strange to look at myself sitting there. I flash a smile. I try and lighten the mood. “You weren’t even supposed to be here!” I let out a tiny laugh so he knows I’m joking. “I told you to stay in my room. Thanks a lot!”

  “Yeah, ha. Sorry about that.” Jack stands, takes a few steps and jumps up, grabbing the monkey bars. I watch him—with my body—use his arms to pull himself up and right over the top bars. He makes it look easy. I look pretty strong. Once he’s sitting, he reaches down to help me.

  “I got it,” I tell him, hoisting myself up. We sit together, high off the ground, our butts balancing on the hard metal bar, our shoulders brushing, legs hanging down.

  Jack looks at me and just shakes his head. “Weird, huh?”

  “Totally,” I agree. We exchange knowing smiles.

  “Ahh, yeah . . . while we’re sort of sharing information . . .” Jack looks embarrassed. “I went to soccer after school Friday.”

  “Wait, you went to soccer?” I overreact. Then stop myself. I haven’t exactly followed his instructions either. I mean, I shaved the kid’s head! I almost cried in front of his brothers. I came to Owen’s. I snuck out. I did almost everything he asked me not to do.

  Jack nods and grins. “Coach Carolyn loves you, by the way. She’s cool, she’s chill. She’s actually really fun. And also?” He turns and looks at me as he says it. “You’re really fast, Elle. You’re really, really good.”

  “Thanks,” I answer, and let out a smile.

  “Um, also, after soccer . . . uh, well—you kind of had a checkup.”

  “Wait, what! You went to Dr. Swenson?”

  “Yeah.” Jack laughs. “You seriously don’t want to know. Let’s not even discuss that.”

  “Oh my gosh.” I giggle. “I can’t believe this.”

  Jack lies back, resting his shoulders on the parallel bar behind us. I copy him. Not exactly comfortable, but it will do. We are close. The entire side of my body is lightly touching his. I breathe in the warm quiet, stare into the stars. Normally, being out here at night in the dark would make me scared. But I’m not.

  Jack whispers, “Better than your stickers, right?”

  “Yeah.” I sigh. “You got that right.”

  More quiet.

  “Hey, what about The Captain?”

  “What about him?”

  “Like, um, he can be kind of, uh, intense. He wasn’t always like that . . .” He trails off.

  “The Captain’s fine.” I smile to try to help him not worry. “We’ve barely talked.”

  “He’s not exactly the talking type. Well, what about my brothers?” he asks.

  “I actually love your brothers!” I answer quickly. It’s true.

  Jack exhales loudly. “I didn’t expect it, but I miss them, they’re—”

  “Kind of awesome,” I finish for him. “My turn,” I say. It’s like a game. Twenty questions. “What about my mom?”

  Jack’s eyes light up. “Dude, your mom is awesome, man.” He goes silent for a few seconds, turning back to the stars.

  I suddenly feel awful.

  Jack. His mom.

  For a good minute it’s totally quiet. I think he even closes his eyes.

  “Jack?” I finally say his name.

  “Elle?” he whispers back. His words sound dreamy under the night sky.

  “So now what do we do?” I ask.

  He turns and looks into my eyes—which is weird for obvious reasons! I’m looking into my own eyes, and he’s looking into his. We both start to laugh.

  Jack takes a deep breath. “This is so nuts!”

  “So nuts,” I repeat his words, shaking my head slowly. “I don’t know what we can do besides find that nurse on Monday.”

  “Wait, like . . .” Jack turns to me again. “What did she say? Can you remember?”

  “Something like . . .” I think for a moment. “‘See the world through eyes anew, until you learn what’s deep and true—’” I start, but then I
forget the rest.

  “‘Heart and courage to speak and feel, will . . .’” He stops. “Dude, that’s all I can remember. What do you think it even means?”

  “I don’t know,” I answer softly.

  Jack moves over just a little bit closer.

  We turn back to the stars and the darkness. It feels good up here, lying next to him on the monkey bars. For a long time I just stare up and trace the sparkly lights, draw lines with my eyes . . . connect the dots. Only after a long, extended quiet, my mind begins to race—

  “What was that kiss all about?” I blurt it out. “That was, like, um—”

  “Messed up!” Jack shakes his head, and we both begin to laugh again.

  “Kissing yourself.” I stop. “That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever done!”

  He grins. “Kissing and hugging and looking into your own eyes?!! Oh my god!”

  We almost fall off the monkey bars laughing, like really laughing hard. It takes a few minutes before we settle down. When I finally get quiet again, and feel the growing hush, I sit up and stare straight ahead into the dark.

  Jack sits up too.

  “Hey,” Jack says. He lifts his arm and rests it around my shoulders, pulling me in like Gunner and Jett. “The reason I did that? The kiss, I mean? I had to do it because your friend Sassy, she’s, like—” He stops. “She’s unreal.”

  My stomach drops. Jack likes Sassy? I don’t have feelings like that for Jack, but after everything we’ve been through, I just didn’t expect—

  “Wait,” I start. I look right at him. “You mean you think she’s nice? You like her?”

  Jack’s eyes get crazy big and wide. “Nice? Like her?!! Are you kidding me? She’s the lousiest person I’ve ever met in my life!”

  “Jack! Please don’t say that. She hated me before, now she’s going to, like, never talk to me again!” For the first time I recognize a desperation in my voice that I haven’t heard since—

  Since I’ve not been me.

  Jack just shakes his head and inches over. We couldn’t be sitting any closer.

  “Elle,” he says.

  “Elle?” It took me till now to realize he has changed my name.

  “Elle.” He smiles with his eyes. “Sounds good, right?”

  I nod. I like the way that sounds.

  “Look, seriously, Elle, listen,” Jack continues. “Sassy is brutal, man! She’s, like . . . she’s really not a nice person, trust me. She said some—”

  “Really mean things?” I interrupt.

  “Exactly!” His eyes get big, he’s not kidding around. “You get it, right? I had to do that. I had to. I can explain it all later, but . . . I couldn’t allow someone to walk all over you like that.”

  Honestly, part of me is so touched that Jack stood up for me. Relieved that someone else saw what I have been pretending not to see. I think this whole time I just thought I was doing something wrong. That there was something wrong with me. But this other side? God. I hate to even admit this part—I know Sassy can be mean, but I’ve never had another best friend. We’ve been friends since kindergarten. For the first time, what I am actually thinking, what I really feel falls out of my mouth.

  “Without Sassy”—I look down—“I don’t even have any friends.”

  “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “I’m serious,” I say. I’m so embarrassed, I just look at the ground as I talk. “Sassy’s been my best friend since—”

  “Elle, the girl is a clown! Nobody needs a friend like that, she’s—”

  “I know she can be bad sometimes,” I cut him off. “But, I mean . . . when she’s nice, she’s really nice.” When I hear myself say the words, something just clicks in me.

  Sassy hasn’t been nice in a really long time.

  Jack is looking at me like I’m crazy. “Are you kidding me, Elle? Seriously?”

  “You don’t understand! She can be—” I stop. I stop because for the first time I realize how pathetic I sound. I can’t believe I’m defending her.

  “Elle, look.” Jack takes a deep breath.

  I lie back again. My eyes scan the sky.

  Jack lies back too, and we talk into the darkness. “Trust me,” he says. “Stay away from her, Elle. Really, I swear to you, dude, friends don’t treat each other like that.” Jack turns to me again. Our faces are so close. “And you’re kidding me about friends, right? Mackenzie and Sammie, they’re both awesome. Don’t you get it?”

  “Get what?” I ask.

  “You’re amazing, Elle,” he tells me. “Everybody loves you.”

  I don’t know what to say back. It’s just about the nicest thing anyone has ever said. I feel tears gathering in my eyes. It’s almost like Jack has a sensor—even though it’s dark, he can tell.

  “Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! No tears, Freckles!” He bursts out laughing. We both do. Then we both just look up into the night for a long time until Jack finally says what we’ve both been avoiding.

  “How are we ever going to switch back? What are we going to do?”

  “I have no idea,” I answer. “I guess we’ll just have to figure it out.”

  “I guess,” he breathes.

  I give Jack a little nudge with my elbow. “Never thought I’d be out in the middle of the night looking at the twinkling sky with The Prince of Thatcher!”

  “The Prince, please!” He grins, laughing lightly and shaking his head. “Promise me you’ll never say that again.”

  I flash him a smile. “Face it, they’re all in love with you! Don’t get a big head.”

  “Whatever,” he says, and grins.

  For a minute again we don’t talk. Then it just comes out.

  “Jack, I’m so sorry about . . .” I pause.

  “About what?”

  “About your mom,” I whisper.

  I can hear him breathing. I feel his arm up against mine.

  “Yeah,” he finally says. His voice is so quiet. “Thanks.”

  42

  JACK

  WE’RE ABOUT TO JUMP DOWN off the monkey bars. We’re about to jump down onto the ground and just make it through the last twenty-four hours. We have a plan. We’re going to meet at the nurse’s office door before the bell rings Monday. We’re going to figure this out together. I have no idea how. But for the first time since this happened, I feel more sure than ever it’s going to work out.

  “After tonight, we just have one more day,” I say.

  “One more day,” she says, echoing me, her eyes lighting up.

  We hear them coming at the same time and both kind of take a deep breath.

  “Here we go,” Elle whispers.

  “We can do this,” I tell her, under my breath.

  The entire group—six guys, eight girls—are walking toward us through the dark. I can hear Sassy, of course. She’s so loud. I can hear her irritating snorts of laughter.

  I look at Elle. “We got this,” I tell her.

  We both leap off, landing with a thump on the wood chips.

  Sammy walks right past me, straight for Elle. He has on that goofy smile of his. He doesn’t even try to keep his voice down. I can hear everything he says.

  “Bro,” he tells her, “you are an absolute stud!”

  For a second I’m worried Elle might laugh, but she really is a good actress. So clutch.

  “Whatever.” She nods at Sammy. “I don’t kiss and tell.” She looks at me as she says it with a smile.

  “She’s a stunner,” Sammy says, his voice cracking. “I’ve always loved redheads.”

  Demaryius just shakes his head. “Gorgeous and athletic. Dude, you have good taste.”

  “’Sup stud,” Trey says, slapping Elle on the back. “A girl who can rock red hair? So hot.”

  You should see the look on her face when I catch her eye. They’re all talking about her to, well . . . her. I can’t see because it’s dark, but I guarantee she’s blushing.

  The girls. They are just as bad—

  Claire runs at
me with open arms. “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” she whispers, kind of loud. “I had absolutely no idea! Wow! Just, wow! Oh my gosh, seriously, Elle, this is, like, this is epic!”

  “This is a major development!” Tori squeals, walking up behind me. “He’s such perfection. He’s so freakin’ hot! Oh my gosh, you’re literally the chosen one, Elle!”

  I look at her and almost shake my head and laugh. That’s the first time Tori has even talked to me tonight. She’s suddenly a whole different person. Wow. True colors are coming out.

  Kaitlin giggles. She’s grinning too. “Looks like you won the lottery, Elle!”

  I take a deep breath and catch Mackenzie’s eye. Dang! I didn’t think about that. Now how will I ever have a chance with her if she thinks . . . whatever. I can’t worry about girls. I have to stay focused on making it through the next twenty-four hours. Then, you know, maybe I can fix this. Make it all right. I look at her through the dark and smile lightly.

  Mackenzie sneaks up beside me. “Hey,” she says softly. “That was kind of—”

  “Surprising?” I finish for her. We both sort of laugh nervously.

  “Yeah!” She grins.

  “I know, random, right? Whatever.” I try awkwardly to brush it all off. “I think Jack and I are just really good friends,” I say. I have no idea where I am getting this stuff from. I sound like a friggin’ girl. It’s embarrassing! Man.

  “Well, you’re lucky, Elle.” Mackenzie smiles and raises her eyebrows. “I’ll tell you a secret,” she says, leaning in and whispering again. “I used to have the biggest crush on Jack Malloy.”

  “You did?” I say. I let out a shy smile into the night. This feeling goes through my heart. I can’t explain it. Mackenzie is just so, like, full of life. Her eyes are so bright, even in the dark. There’s something special about her, it’s hard to describe.

  “Well, yeah,” she goes on. “Major crush on him since, like, sixth grade. But don’t worry, I’m over it.” She grins at me. “He’s all yours now!”