The Swap

by Megan Shull

  “You’re a savage beast, Jacko!” calls out Sammy from behind.

  “You’re the man, buddy!” Demaryius hollers.

  “You’re hard core, dude!” says Brayden.

  “Wait up, fellas!” shouts Dominic.

  My legs fall into an easy stride. I breathe in the warm air, the quiet. I can’t believe I’m still up, running through the woods in the middle of the night. It seems like I’ve been up for days. I think back to the mountain, my hand on the rock, the ice tubs. . . . Jett, Stryker, Gunner—they’d be proud of me right now. It’s weird, but the darkness makes me faster. I feel almost invincible tonight. And I emerge first out of the woods, first to run on the woodchip-covered playground, first to the swings by the kindergarten windows.

  “Nails,” I whisper to myself when I stop, my hands on my knees. I lift my head and smile at the guys. One by one they arrive, breathless. Now that we’re out of the woods, I can see everything again. The stars are like glitter, crazy bright.

  “Dang, Mallsy, you’ve got wheels,” Demaryius says, slumping over, panting.

  “Thanks, man.” I grin.

  I’ve heard it before. But this time, I believe it.

  38

  JACK

  THIS IS SO NOT A good idea, says the voice in my head. Why? Um. Yeah. Glad you asked. I am clutching on to Mackenzie’s arm like a scared little girl as we tiptoe up Claire’s dark basement steps. Chirp me all you want. I don’t care. This is kind of intense. I’ve honestly never snuck out before. Would you, if you had my dad? I can hear him; he’s in my head—“When you get out of bed every morning, you have choices to make. One bad decision is all it takes.” I push that all away. I block it out—I mean, I am literally not myself right now.

  Mackenzie looks me in the eye. “You ready?” she asks.

  I slowly nod my head. Yes. There’s nine of us pressed together in a clump, huddled by the back door. Whispering. Giggling. It’s too late to turn back.

  “Here goes nothing,” I say softly, mostly to myself. Then—

  I step into the night and run.

  It’s all for one and one for all the way we bust across Claire’s huge backyard and hurtle through the thick, scratchy bushes on the side of the house. You’d think we were running for our lives, the way we race right down the middle of the dark street! It’s like, one in the morning. There are no cars. The houses are all dark. It’s so quiet. It seems like the entire world is asleep. Nothing is moving but the nine of us, giggling down the empty street in our pajamas.

  By the time we slow down to a jog at the elementary school entrance, everyone just bursts out laughing. Not going to lie, I do too. In the middle of the night in the dark, things that usually aren’t funny are. Do you know what I mean? I look up at the flickering stars. My mind is racing with so many thoughts. Thought number one? This is freakin’ nuts! I’m running with a bunch of girls in borrowed drawstring purple pajama bottoms, Thunderbirds T-shirt, and Elle’s sneakers. I put my hands on my knees and catch my breath. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that we’re supposedly meeting all my friends—Sammy, Owen, Demaryius, Brayden, Dominic, Trey. I can’t wait to see Sassy Gaines’s dumb face when she realizes I’m not even there. Ellie, I mean. She won’t be there. I’m positive. That’s one thing I’m sure of. We shook on it, right? For a second I think about the fact that I promised her too, but—

  No. No way. I’d bet on it. She’d be too freaked out to go to Owen’s by herself. I picture Freckles safely tucked in my bed. I hope she made it through the workout today. Man! Saturday mornings are rough. Grueling. I picture her sound asleep in my room, with Stryker. I hope that made things a little less scary, to have someone there. To not be alone. Stryker can be a goof, but he’s my brother, man, and I love him. I always feel better when my brothers are around. They’re my best friends in the world. I lie awake a lot, worrying something bad will happen to my brothers or my dad. Lately I have all these things I do. Like, I have to put my hockey equipment on just a certain way or I have this bad feeling like something is going to go wrong. Something terrible will happen to my family. I don’t have anybody else. They’re all I’ve got. They’re everything to me. I have to act tough. Man up. Keep it in. I’ve never even talked about it with anyone before, not my brothers, not my dad. They’d think I’m so soft. . . .

  It’s been a year and seven months since my mom died. I act like I’m okay all the time. Like I’m so strong. Nobody knows how much it hurts. I haven’t told anyone how I feel. I don’t want people treating me different—it will just make it worse.

  I’m standing in the dark in the middle of the elementary school parking lot, suddenly worried about a million things: Is Elle okay? How are we even going to switch back? What are we going to do . . . like, lie on the cots in the nurse’s office and click our heels? My head is spinning when I feel a hand slip around my arm—

  “Hey, girlie.” I hear her voice before I see her eyes. When I turn and look, she’s even prettier outside under the stars. Mackenzie.

  “You okay?” she asks in a gentle voice, falling in step with me as we walk up the hill.

  I let out a breath. “I’m fine,” I say, and crack a smile.

  “Okay, just promise me you won’t get into it with you-know-who.” She pulls me along, her arm in mine. “She’s so not worth it. Promise, okay?”

  “I’ll try,” I answer with a shrug.

  “Try hard.” Mackenzie smiles big. “We have too much fun, right? Life’s too short for that stuff!”

  “For sure.” I nod. “Couldn’t have said it better,” I add, looking at her smiling.

  Mackenzie returns my grin and shakes her head. “Seriously, girlie! You have the best smile ever!”

  Blair, Tori, Sassy, Aspen, Sammie, and Kaitlin are waiting by the basketball court when Mackenzie and I walk up. I glance up at the net. The hoop is low enough that I can dunk with both hands. I’ve done it a few times, just messin’ around. Sassy, of course, is talking loud, being as obnoxious as ever.

  “Ahem,” she says, looking straight at me. “Not to be rude? But girls trying to show off and act like they are popular when they are clearly not is literally the most counterproductive thing possible. Seriously? Just stop.”

  Man. I don’t know how much longer I can take this before I snap. I just look at her in her dumb leopard-spotted pajamas and her tight cropped shirt and I shake my head.

  Apparently she is not done. She won’t quit. Sassy tosses her hair back and glances at me as she says, with a dumb half smile, “Do you think annoying people ever realize how annoying they are to everyone?”

  “Come on, you guys.” Claire wiggles in between the bunch and throws her arms around both of us, me and Sassy, pulling us in. “Look, let’s just have fun. We’re meeting the boys, right? Where are they, anyhow?”

  Yeah. Where are they? I think, pulling away and looking around. Couldn’t be better timing. I need to get away from this girl. Man, I can’t wait to see Sammy’s face! I think to myself, smiling and shaking my head.

  Sassy sees me smile. “Oh, you think this is funny?” she asks. “You think I’m joking?” Her voice grows louder and louder, echoing across the empty basketball court. “Does anyone else feel like Ellie is going to wow The Prince on our starry night of adventure?”

  She waits for a beat, and there’s a hushed silence. “No?” She picks right back up. “Yeah, me neither!” She bursts out laughing.

  “Sassy, come on,” says Mackenzie. “Be nice.”

  “What?” She laughs. “Everyone was thinking it, I just said it!”

  Man, every time Sassy talks, I just shake my head.

  “Come on.” Mackenzie places her hand on my elbow and pulls me forward. “Seriously, Elle, I can’t take her anymore, really. Let’s just start walking. They’ll catch up.”

  At first I can’t see anyone. I just see the jungle gym, the slide, the baby swings.

  Then I see a bunch of—

  “Sammy!” I say. I don’t even reali
ze it comes out of my mouth.

  Mackenzie stops and turns back to the other girls. “Sammie!” she calls out to Girl Sammie. “Come join us!”

  Girl Sammie runs to us and grabs my other arm. “Yay! Adventure!” she squeals as we walk toward the boys.

  This time I say it my head. Sammy, I think, and look at his silhouette across the playground. With each step I take, we get closer and closer and I’m grinning big as if he’d somehow recognize that it’s me. I smile. I shake my head, I give him a nod.

  Sammy, man! Owen! Demaryius! Trey, Dominic, Brayden! Little reunion tonight with the boys!

  Oh, man. My heart drops.

  I stop.

  “No worries, Elle,” Mackenzie whispers. “We’ll have fun, I promise!”

  Noooo. Please tell me I’m not seeing what I think I see.

  “My hair,” I say. I say it out loud, in disbelief.

  “What? What about your hair?” asks Mackenzie. “Your hair looks totally gorgeous, Elle, I love it. Don’t listen to anything you-know-who says. Really, seriously. Are you okay?”

  I’m at a loss for words right now. I honestly don’t know what to say.

  Elle is standing across from me, six feet away, in my black Bruins hoodie and jeans.

  “You shaved my head?” The words slip out.

  “Wait, what?” asks Mackenzie, looking confused.

  “My hair, it’s—” I stop before I say the word “gone.”

  But trust me.

  I’m speechless.

  39

  ELLIE

  I ALMOST DON’T RECOGNIZE MYSELF. I have no idea what Jack has done, but I look like . . . I don’t know. Something is going on with my hair. It looks—

  “Wow,” I say softly into the dark. Our eyes meet. Mine and Jack’s.

  I guess I look pretty shocked.

  Dominic grins. “I know, man,” he whispers, staring at the girls too. “Some hotties, right?”

  “No, it’s, um,” I stammer and scan the line of faces standing six feet away—

  Kaitlin.

  Blair.

  Claire.

  Aspen.

  Tori.

  Sassy.

  Mackenzie . . .

  Jack!

  Sammie.

  What I’m thinking specifically is: This can’t be good.

  Sammy hits me with his elbow. “Dude,” he whispers, staring at Aspen. “I got to wife that!”

  “Huh?” I say. What does that even mean?

  “Jacko!” Sammy is shaking his head. “You don’t understand, man! I’m seriously in love!”

  40

  JACK

  WE ALL STAND ON THE playground, staring at each other. The girls and I in our pajamas, the boys in jeans and sweatshirts, lined up facing each other with nervous starlit smiles on the Riverside Elementary School playground. We’re on the little kids’ side. Short, fat slides, baby swings, wood chips, jungle gym. Everybody is checking each other out. I have to continually remember that Sammy, Owen, Demaryius, Dom, and the rest of the boys . . . they have no idea it’s really me over here, staring at them, smiling.

  You’re Freckles, remember? Thirty-six more hours, at least.

  I can’t help but look at her—or me, I guess—across the way. My eye and my nose look a little bit better, but man, I’m pretty ugly without hair. No flow. Dang. It’s really gone. Like, no hair. None. Right down to the wood.

  Well, I won’t have to comb it, I guess.

  I try and picture who convinced her to do that. My money’s on Gunner. I bet they went to Geno’s. No doubt. Gunner probably ordered up a fade and got one too.

  I can’t believe how ugly I look.

  Mackenzie leans over. “Wow, The Prince got a little haircut, huh?” She giggles.

  “Yeah, looks brutal, right?” I laugh nervously.

  “No, not at all. I think it looks good, actually. Manly!”

  I turn to her. “Yeah?”

  “Totally, right?” asks Mackenzie.

  I shrug and smile. “If you say so.”

  Sassy overhears us talking and decides to put on a show. She clears her throat. “Okay, everyone, question!” she says. She’s not really talking loud enough for the guys to hear. Just the girls. “What does it take for a hopeless girl to realize someone doesn’t like them and it’s time to give it up?”

  “Sassy, really, stop,” Girl Sammie speaks up. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.”

  “Everyone honestly just needs to relax.” Sassy laughs. “It’s a joke, obviously. Just proving a point!” Sassy turns to me with a big fake grin and whispers over Mackenzie, “Ellie, seriously, you’re probably the biggest scaredy cat alive!” She pauses. “You, friends with The Prince?” She rolls her eyes and lets out a loud laugh. “You’re a pathetic little liar.”

  Oh, it’s gonna be like that, huh? I think.

  I’d be lying if I said this girl doesn’t rattle me. I’m fired up. My fists are clenched. I’m not going to stand here and let Elle get ripped like this. I have to do something—

  I step forward, pulling away from Mackenzie. It all happens quickly, before I lose my nerve. I catch Freckles’s eye and, with a nod, signal her to follow my lead.

  She does, thank god. She steps forward too. We meet in the middle, the boys behind her, the girls behind me. I can feel everyone’s eyes on us.

  Elle is looking at me like I’m nuts. “Are you crazy? What are you doing!” she whispers.

  “Just listen,” I say, my voice hushed. “Get closer.”

  She leans in. For this to work, I know I have to make it look like the guy makes the first move.

  “Closer,” I say.

  She takes another step until the toes of our sneakers are almost touching.

  “Perfect.”

  Elle’s standing eye to eye with me. You can picture this, right? Me staring into my own eyes, my own busted-up nose, my ugly mug, my bald, shaved head. Oh, man. Elle looks completely freaked.

  “Grab my hand,” I whisper.

  “What? Are you crazy?” she asks again.

  “Just do it, please.”

  Then? She breaks into a quiet kind of smile. I’m actually surprised. I haven’t seen myself smile like that in a really long time. There’s a little bit of fire in her eyes.

  “Okay.” She laughs softly. “Like this?”

  I hear all the girls almost gasp. I swear, I do.

  I glance around real quick. I sneak a look at the girls, first, then the guys. Sassy’s eyes are about to fall out of her head. Everyone looks amazed and enthralled. Even Sammy is standing there with his jaw completely dropped.

  “Go ahead,” I tell her. I am looking right into my own eyes. “Plant your hands on my hips and pull me in close.”

  Elle’s eyes—my eyes—get big. “Are you serious?”

  “Trust me!” I repeat. “Please just—”

  I don’t even have to finish. Elle reaches out, rests her hands on my hips, and pulls me in. We’re chest to chest. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing, but by the sound of the absolute silence, whatever we’re doing is working pretty well. I’m the perfect height for Elle. I rest my head on my own shoulder, put my mouth up close to my own ear. She . . . I . . . smells like sweat.

  Man, this is nuts.

  “Elle,” I whisper. “What I’m about to tell you to do is going to sound insane. Please, if you ever want this mess to end, just trust me and go with it, okay?”

  I feel her chest against mine. She takes the biggest breath.

  “Okay,” she says. I hear her. It’s the slightest whisper.

  “Awesome,” I breathe. “Okay, on the count of three, I want you to let go of me, look at me for three seconds, then pull me toward you and kiss me right on the lips.”

  “What?!!” says Freckles. I feel her pull away, but then—

  She stays. She holds on. I feel her heart beating through my own Bruins hoodie.

  “Just go with it,” I whisper. “Trust me,” I promise.

/>   I watch my own body, my own face, look at me for a second, then—

  She does it. So clutch! She steps right toward me and pulls me in.

  “Do it,” I mouth.

  And BOOM! She kisses me with my mouth half open, right on the lips! It’s weirder than weird, kissing yourself. I can’t possibly explain it. You can probably figure it out! Kissing yourself does not make any fireworks go off, or funny feelings shoot through your body. No sparks. No butterflies. I don’t think either of us should ever officially count that as our first kiss. That’s what I’m thinking as her lips are planted on mine. Man, this is more of a take-one-for-the-team kind of kiss. The team being me and Elle. And I sell it! I let her pull me in. I close my eyes like I see couples do in the movies. I make it count. It lasts a solid five seconds long. Then? I step back, I make a face like, “WOW!” I mix in a smile. Then I get right close to her ear.

  “Perfection,” I tell her. “Now put your hand up against my cheek.”

  “Are you crazy?” she whispers, sounding shocked. “Jack, what are you—”

  “Just follow my lead. I’ll explain everything.”

  She does it. She lifts her hand slowly and cups it against my face.

  “Nice.” I grin. “You’re good at this.” I wink. “Okay, one last step.” I pause and take a deep breath. “Take my hand,” I whisper, grinning, “and walk away fast.”

  “Wait, what?” Elle looks back at me, absolutely flustered. And for those next few seconds, it’s like time just suspends. I can hear every whisper, I can hear the night, the stars. Then—

  She does it! She smiles ear to ear and takes my hand!

  “That-a-girl,” I say. I actually say this, it slips out. I’m legit proud of her, as strange as that sounds. It’s a ballsy move, everything she does. She plays me really pretty decent! I’m not embarrassed at all. She looks smooth. She lets out the tiniest grin and takes my hand, weaves her fingers through mine, and the two of us walk away in the stunned silence toward the far-off older kids’ playground on the other side of the school. I scan the darkness as we walk. Look up at the sparkling stars.