All or Nothing

by S Michaels

  I had only received texts from Grant as he was obviously as busy as I, he rang me whilst we were in the pub but it must have directed straight to voicemail. I had missed him but at the same time I had a great time. I called Richard from the Dublin office and informed him that we got the account and he was extremely pleased notifying me that he would be sending me regularly to ‘Shmooze’ the clients. I did mention that we had a hangover and he laughed and told me ‘good for you!’ so I guess it was expected.

  It was 9.15pm by the time that we walked out of arrivals and I was tired, I searched around but couldn’t spot Grant or his driver. I call his phone which strangely connects directly to voicemail. Jason disappears to find his friend who was collecting him and I stand for twenty further minutes without any luck. I attempt the number again without success and decide to get a cab so walk outside and join the cab rank.

  I arrive home gone eleven o clock and the flat is empty, well Bella was probably around Mike’s and Grant maybe got caught up at work or something. I shower and put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt and send a text message to Grant.

  Hi,

  Just a bit worried, I waited at the airport but you never showed.

  No probs I am home now, just let me know you are ok please x

  I have a bad feeling but ignore it choosing to go to bed I am shattered from the late night and alcohol intake. As soon as my head hits the pillow I am sound asleep.

  I awake to banging and sit up confused to my surroundings. I stand moving towards the sound to realize it is the front door, I look through the peep hole and notice Grant. I open the door just as he is about to bang again, ‘hi’ I croak sleepily.

  ‘Hi’ he wraps his arms around me ‘I am so sorry’

  ‘What happened?’ I pull him inside and glance at the clock 2.15am.

  ‘Amber’ he mutters distastefully ‘she rang me and informed me that she is bleeding and can I take her to the hospital, well I thought it would be an ideal opportunity to find out what was going on so agreed’ I am standing with my arms folded across me as I am listening thinking, why didn’t you just let me know! But I refrain from speaking ‘well when we arrived she wouldn’t let me in anyway so I had to sit outside in the waiting room’

  ‘So is she ok?’

  ‘She is fine, I am sure she is fucking around with me Abi’

  ‘Why didn’t you text me or something?’

  ‘I just got sidetracked with everything and I had to turn my phone off in the hospital because of the machinery’ he expresses.

  ‘You could have text me Grant’ I am angry it is happening already ‘we do things as one remember?’ He regards me absorbing my words.

  ‘I am sorry, she was fine yesterday she has befriended Bella so I am not sure whether she mentioned me collecting you from the airport tonight and it was part of her elaborate plan..’

  ‘Hold on, what do you mean she was fine yesterday and befriended Bella?’

  ‘Amber’ he expresses ‘well she works for me….. she was on the trip’

  ‘What the fuck!’ I am floored by his comment, I am attempting to comprehend his words.

  ‘You knew that!’ he appears confused.

  ‘No I fucking well never knew that, is that why I am excluded from your work place because you have screwed half the workforce?’ I am pacing now ‘what happened to keeping your professional and personal life separate Grant?’

  ‘It isn’t like that!’ he roars.

  ‘No, I cannot do this, you have your pregnant ex…whatever working for you, the one that is doing her best to split us up?’

  ‘I can’t exactly sack her because she is pregnant Abi’ he expresses more calmly as he senses my anger.

  ‘What am I doing?’ I am muttering to myself ‘I am standing at the airport thinking all sorts and you and your pregnant… I want you to go Grant’

  ‘What?... No!’ his eyes are panicking.

  ‘Yes, get out of here now!’ I roar ‘get the fuck out!’

  His face tenses and he holds his hands up, ‘ok, I am going. I will speak to you tomorrow when you have calmed down’

  ‘Go’ I speak through my teeth and I open the door for him slamming it as he exits.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I am even too mad to cry, I am so livid I want to smash things up. I refrain but I am at melting point, what the fuck was Bella doing befriended her? She is supposed to be on my side too. I cannot do this, this is supposed to be a good time for us and instead he keeps on making the wrong decisions. He assured me that his main priority would be me and we would face things together instead at the first sign of trouble he forgets about me at the first turn. I am crap at relationships obviously first Scott and now Grant, why do I always end up being the one that is treated so badly?

  I lay in my bed attempting to calm my insides when the tears begin, I am sobbing into my pillow heartbroken once again. I must have cried myself to sleep because the next thing I know it is morning and someone is tapping on my bedroom door.

  ‘Abi’ Bella is calling, I get up off the bed walking to the door and open it.

  ‘Fuck Abi’ my eyes are obviously red and swollen from the crying.

  ‘What do you want Bella?’ I ask impatiently.

  ‘To talk’

  ‘I don’t feel like talking right now so excuse me’ and I close the door on her, on my best friend. I move around the room tidying up and unpacking my things from my trip I strip down and put my robe on before moving into the bathroom for a shower. The water cascades over me and the tears reappear, I cannot do this I need to be strong.

  I towel dry my hair and glance at my reflection, wow my eyes do not look good. I apply lots of makeup and blow dry my hair dressing in skinny jeans and a V-neck t-shirt, I put my boots on and my leather bomber jacket. I collect my bag and take a deep breath they can all screw themselves today. As I walk through the living room on my way out Bella jumps up from the sofa, ‘Abi let’s discuss this’

  ‘What is there to talk about Bella, I thought we had each other’s backs I guess I was wrong, end of. And tell Grant when you speak to him to stay the fuck away from me’ and I slam the door.

  I wander to the station, I am beyond tears I am angry and have never felt so alone. I decide to go into work, lots of people work the weekends at my company and it isn’t as if I haven’t got things to do. I pass the security guard who examines my entrance pass waving me in, I sit at my desk and contemplate the past few days, I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions leaving me reeling, I am not sure which way is up.

  I love Grant but cannot be with Grant there are too many outside factors that need to be taken into account for our relationship to work. I would have married him and remained in love with him for the rest of my life but my lack of importance to him proves that he would unintentionally make me unhappy. I need someone who would give me the same considerations as I, Grant is so in his own head he cannot see the woods for the trees.

  How can he have that woman work for him whilst she is basically emotionally blackmailing him? Worse of all is that he failed to notify me she was his employee not to mention taking her on a business trip. No, I cannot take any more of the drama, I am done.

  My mobile buzzes once again and I glance at it, it is Grant, Bella has stopped calling now and Grant has taken over. I turn it off before sitting at my desk removing my jacket and getting down to business.

  My stomach is grumbling and I glance up at the clock, 1.45pm I should probably eat I haven’t eaten since Dublin yesterday. I open my drawer and find a cereal bar and nibble on it as I walk to the kitchen and make a coffee, I feel strangely calm now ….more than that I feel detached from my life, numb! I take my coffee to my desk and absorb myself in my work.

  ‘Excuse me ma’am I am locking up now’ I glance up to the security guard’s face and he smiles, ‘it is almost five’ he informs me gently.

  ‘Oh ok, I will finish up’

  I walk outside to the fresh air and make my way back to the station
, I stop at a coffee shop and enter picking up a sandwich and ordering a coffee. I sit in the window and watch the world go by as I chew absently not tasting the chicken within the slices of bread. I have no desire to go home but I have nowhere else to go all Bella and I’s mutual friends will inform her. My parents will worry if I turn up there especially now they have met Grant, what possessed me to introduce them so early on?

  I take a breath and enter the flat, I hear voices and my stomach drops here we go! I walk through the living room and three pairs of eyes zoom in to me.

  ‘Abi’ Grant calls moving towards me, I hold a hand up to stop him.

  ‘Stop! I am not doing this with any of you’ my voice is calm and controlled despite my insides screaming at the fact I love him so much.

  ‘Abi’ Grant warns ‘you will do this’ he growls.

  ‘No Grant I won’t, I am done with all your dramas’ Bella glances at me from the sofa, she looks sad ‘I am sorry Bella but I will be moving out as soon as my contract ends here so please take this as notice’

  ‘Abi please let me explain, I didn’t know who she was’ she expresses ‘I always have your back’

  ‘Fine, I believe you but I cannot live here anymore and I think that it is best especially for you and Mike’s relationship if I step out of the equation’

  ‘Abi!’ Grant growls ‘this isn’t happening we are going to sit and discuss this we belong together’

  ‘No Grant we aren’t, I cannot be with someone that thinks so little about my feelings all the crap you spoke about putting on a united front…..just words Grant because when push came to shove you forgot me in a heartbeat. I wish you luck with your baby but I am having nothing to do with it, I deserve better’ I walk into my room and shut the door behind me.

  Somehow I remain calm, I strip off my clothes and grab my robe moving into the bathroom where I wash away the day in the shower, I brush my teeth and dress in sweatpants and climb into bed.

  I lay for hours running the events through my head how I could have done things different and I come up with nothing, there is zero I could have done because it was all out of my control Grant has to take responsibility for this. I feel empty as though something is missing, not only have I lost my future with Grant I have also damaged the friendship that Bella and I shared.

  The tears arrive out of the blue, I am laying there silent except for the occasional hiccup as tears cascade down my face my insides are screaming with hurt I love him so much. At some point I must have fallen to sleep because I awake to daylight and glance at the clock. It is only 6.09am my eyes feel swollen and my throat dry. I enter the kitchen and switch the kettle on to make a tea, I stand there and tears form once again in my eyes.

  ‘Hi’ Bella is standing by the door.

  ‘Hi’ I sniff.

  ‘I am sorry Abi really the woman is a manipulative cow’

  ‘It’s fine, it isn’t your drama’ I sigh ‘I am still moving out Bella you and Mike don’t stand a chance dealing with Grant and I’

  ‘He loves you very much Abi’ she reminds me.

  ‘No Bella, people who love each other don’t treat each other how he has. I have been extremely patient with all his dramas, he never told me she worked for him and he left me at an airport without giving me the courtesy of a text. That doesn’t sound like someone who loves another to me he is too self-absorbed’

  ‘He has never experienced a relationship before, he is learning cut him some slack’

  ‘No, I am done’

  ‘Why throw away something so special so easily’ she sighs.

  ‘Would you remain with Mike if he had an ex who was pregnant and who joins him on business trips where you aren’t invited?’

  ‘I cannot comment on that, all I know is I would dodge bullets for Mike and our love’

  ‘Whether he dodged them for you or not? I am not staying in a one sided relationship’

  ‘How can you say that he adores you, he doesn’t always do the right thing…’

  ‘No he doesn’t’ I agree pouring the hot water into my mug.

  ‘I am going to Mike’s today if you need me call me’ she whispers ‘I am sorry Abi, I didn’t know who she was. I also wasn’t aware you were not invited either or I wouldn’t have pushed your face in it, I just assumed…’

  ‘Yeah well what does that tell you?’ I snort.

  ‘That he just doesn’t think sometimes that’s all’ she defends him.

  Bella remains out of my way which although understandable saddens me we have been friends for so long and yet our relationship remains fractured over Grant. I am working long days coming home to only sleep I feel my life has stopped, Grant doesn’t attempt to contact me and seems has accepted the situation. I think deep down I expected him to fight for me but it appears as though I wasn’t worth fighting for.

  I have located a flat nearby for rent as there is only five weeks left on the lease and put down a deposit, it is tiny but all I can afford despite my salary increase. Bella is moving in with Mike and I am happy for her they are perfect for each other and I tell her so.

  ‘Thank you Abi, I hope we will remain friends’

  ‘Of course ‘but I know that things will never be the same, she doesn’t mention Grant and I don’t ask.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Three Months Later

  ‘Hi Abi’ Bella hugs me tight and I close my eyes sighing, I have missed her.

  ‘Hi Bell’

  ‘So how are you? You have lost all your curves’ she frowns.

  ‘Just been so busy with work’ I inform her ‘how are things?’

  ‘Things are good’ she grins ‘Mike and I are getting married’

  ‘Oh wow congratulations’ my heart drops and pain sears through me, this should be me. I hug her ‘I am so pleased for you Bella really’

  ‘Thank you’ her eyes search mine ‘are you ok?’

  ‘Yes thank you’ I swallow the lump in my throat but she doesn’t miss it ‘Abi’ she moans engulfing me into her arms ‘I have missed you so much it is the only thing missing from my life’ tears fall from my eyes and I hiccup as Bella strokes my back ‘I am so sorry Abi’ she cries as she also wipes the tears away ‘for everything’ and I cannot speak through the emotion rushing through my body.

  We sit wiping our eyes in the coffee shop ‘you are not ok are you?’ She questions and I shake my head ‘Grant?’ she enquires and I take a breath.

  ‘I miss him so much, I have been without him longer than I was with him but I feel there is an empty space inside me’

  ‘You heard there was no baby? She expected him to marry her and then get pregnant very quickly obviously the longer time went on she panicked so got herself pregnant and now has a huge bump but unless she has the gestation period of an elephant….. If it was Grants it would have been born a month or so ago’ I close my eyes tight, so it was all for nothing all the worry and upset ‘obviously she doesn’t work for him anymore, he paid her off when you left him claiming her job was redundant’

  ‘How is he?’

  ‘Very different, cold, harsh. Mike comments that if he wasn’t his friend he would have told him to stick his job’

  I shake my head, ‘is he dating?’ why am I asking that? The answer will rip me apart!

  ‘Not that I am aware of, he has been in Vegas for the past few weeks’ I take a breath in to prevent the knife pierce me, we were going to revisit Vegas and refresh our memories ‘working on the new project apparently’ she glances at me ‘which brings me to my next question’

  My eyes meet hers questioning, ‘what’s that?’

  ‘Will you be my maid of honor?’ her eyes are cautious.

  I smile ‘I would be honored, forgive the pun’

  ‘There is something else though’ she continues her gaze dropping to the mug sitting in front of her.

  ‘Go on’ I urge.

  ‘We are getting married in Vegas!’ she tests a glance my way and witnesses the flinch within my eyes.

  ‘
Oh Bella!’ I warn ‘I don’t think I can do that’

  ‘Why not? You loved Vegas’ she attempts.

  ‘Yes but why did I love Vegas Bella?’ I wipe a stray tear.

  ‘Because you met Grant there’ she sighs.

  ‘Is he invited?’ I have to know.

  ‘Of course’ she shrugs ‘he is Mike’s friend’

  ‘When?’ my heart is thumping in my chest at the prospect of seeing him despite my brain reminding me how much he hurt me.

  ‘Three weeks’ time’ she risks a glance.

  ‘Why? What’s the rush?’ I frown suddenly.

  She smiles at me secretively ‘because we are having a baby’

  I gasp holding my hand to my chest ‘oh my god Bella!’ I pull her in for a hug ‘congratulations again!’

  ‘So will you? It would mean so much to me’ her eyes plead.

  ‘Is he bringing a date because I couldn’t cope with that?’ I splutter.

  ‘No he isn’t’ she informs me ‘because it isn’t a plus one invite’

  I sigh can I see him again? Would I be opening a whole can of worms? I am hurting now would it make a difference? I am aching to see him again.

  ‘It is an all-expenses paid trip, Mike is paying to fly me and you out and have a few days in the spa before the wedding’

  ‘Ok’ I exhale the breath I have been holding ‘I could do with a holiday but I can pay for myself’ my mind screams, how!!!

  ‘No that isn’t the deal, it is my future husbands wedding present to me’

  ********

  Once again I am seated in first class with a glass of champagne my mind rewinding to the last occasion I sat here, I have a plastic smile plastered on my face camouflaging my pain. Bella is chatting nonstop I think to distract me from my memories.

  ‘So we are staying at The Wynn hotel’ she babbles, well at least it isn’t The Bellagio, ‘the boys are at The Bellagio’ my stomach drops ‘they are flying out tomorrow but we won’t see them until the ceremony’ she assures me.