Hidden Love

by Carole Mortimer

  Her mother came out of the lounge to meet her, frowning worriedly. ‘Everything’s all right, isn’t it? Matthew—’

  ‘Still fast asleep,’ Rachel hastily reassured her. ‘It’s just—Oh, Mum, I do miss him!’ She fell sobbing in her mother’s arms.

  ‘I think I’ve called at the wrong time,’ drawled a deep familiar voice, a voice from the past.

  Rachel raised a white face to look at her husband, her breathing shallow as she took in everything about him, from the overlong blond hair and grim face, to the brown trousers and shirt he wore; he was still in the peak of physical fitness, by the look of him.

  He shrugged. ‘I’ll call back some other time—’

  ‘No! I mean—Why are you here?’ she demanded.

  ‘Take Nick into the lounge, Rachel,’ her father instructed. ‘Your mother and I will be in the sitting-room.’

  ‘Oh, but—’

  ‘Come on, Dorothy,’ he insisted as she protested.

  ‘Rachel?’ Her mother still lingered.

  She licked her suddenly dry lips, conscious of the mess she must look to this man who so appreciated beautiful women. Her hair was worn in a bun at her nape for going to work, her blouse and skirt were smart rather than attractive, her face blotchy from her recent tears. But why should she feel so selfconscious about her appearance? Nick had no right to be here, none at all.

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ she told her mother. ‘Would you like to come this way?’ she said to Nick in a hard voice.

  He followed her through to the lounge, his expression grave. ‘I haven’t called at a good time,’ he repeated huskily.

  Rachel forced herself not to show even by a flicker of an eyelid that his being here disturbed her. ‘What makes you think any time you called would be a good time? In fact, why have you called at all?’ she asked tautly.

  He shrugged. ‘I was in London—’

  Rachel nodded. ‘At Wimbledon—I know.’

  His eyes narrowed. ‘You do?’

  ‘The famous coach of Johnny Franks,’ she derided. ‘Of course I knew.’

  ‘I thought I’d come and see you—’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You’ve changed, Rachel,’ he frowned. ‘Grown harder.’

  She looked at him unflinchingly, although the criticism hurt. ‘We all change.’

  ‘Yes. I’ve changed too, Rachel,’ he added softly.

  ‘Really?’ her voice was cold with uninterest.

  He flushed. ‘I like to think so. I’m not quite so inflated with my own importance any more. You’ll admit that was part of the trouble with our marriage?’

  ‘Was it?’

  ‘Yes,’ he continued, despite her coldness. ‘For instance, I’ve had time to think of the way we married, the reason we married.’

  Her mouth twisted. ‘I should think two years is long enough to think of that, yes,’ she derided.

  ‘Rachel—’

  ‘You aren’t wanted here, Nick,’ she interrupted abruptly. ‘Not any more.’

  His eyes were narrowed. ‘Your parents know the real reason we were married?’

  Considering their bewilderment at her refusal to return to her husband, even though she carried his child, she had thought it best to tell them everything. At first they had been shocked, then their anger had turned to disappointment that she had not had more faith in them, and anger at Nick for his high-handedness.

  ‘Yes, they know,’ she confirmed.

  ‘I thought so,’ he nodded. ‘Their manner to me was cooler than usual,’ he explained.

  ‘What did you expect?’ Rachel snapped. ‘The red carpet?’

  ‘Hardly,’ Nick drawled. ‘Am I allowed to sit down?’ he mocked.

  ‘Please yourself,’ she said ungraciously.

  His expression mocked her as he relaxed in one of the armchairs. ‘Why don’t you sit down too?’ he suggested softly.

  ‘I prefer to stand.’

  ‘So I see,’ he sighed. ‘Today was Eve’s birthday,’ he suddenly changed the subject.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Kay said she invited you.’

  ‘She did,’ Rachel nodded.

  ‘But you didn’t want to go?’

  ‘Obviously not.’

  ‘Because of me?’

  ‘You?’ She blinked her puzzlement.

  ‘Obviously not because of me,’ Nick derided. ‘Kay was disappointed you didn’t come.’

  ‘I was busy.’

  ‘Yes,’ his mouth tightened. ‘With Matthew.’

  Her mouth suddenly went dry, her breathing seeming to stop completely. ‘What do you know about Matthew?’ she squeaked.

  ‘Only what your parents told me,’ Nick said harshly.

  ‘Which was?’

  ‘That you were visiting him in hospital. Just who is he, Rachel?’

  She twisted her hands together nervously. Obviously her parents hadn’t told him much at all about Matthew. ‘He—He’s a friend.’ She faced Nick bravely.

  He seemed to tense. ‘How much of a friend?’

  ‘A very good one.’

  ‘I see,’ he said tightly. ‘Now I understand your parents’ reluctance to talk about him.’

  Rachel swallowed hard. ‘You do?’

  ‘Well, you are still my wife, and if this Matthew is your boy-friend…!’

  ‘Yes,’ she agreed dully, ‘I see what you mean.’

  ‘Is he very ill?’ Nick rasped.

  She shook her head. ‘Just concussion.’

  His mouth twisted. ‘You seemed upset enough when you came in.’

  Her eyes flashed. ‘Of course I was—It was the shock,’ she added more calmly, breathing heavily.

  ‘You care for him a great deal?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You love him?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘God…!’ he groaned harshly.

  ‘What did you expect, Nick?’ she demanded rebelliously. ‘That I just sleep with him?’

  ‘And do you sleep with him?’

  ‘Often,’ she told him defiantly.

  Nick seemed to pale, then he stood jerkily to his feet. ‘Then there’s nothing more to be said. I hope you’ll be happy, Rachel.’

  ‘I am.’ She followed him to the door. ‘And you, Nick, are you happy?’ His expression was harsh, his eyes grim. ‘What is happiness?’

  ‘You mean you haven’t discovered that yet?’

  ‘Obviously you have,’ he said abruptly. ‘Goodbye.’

  ‘You don’t like goodbyes,’ she reminded him with a catch in her voice.

  ‘I don’t seem to have any choice this time,’ he said ruefully. ‘I suppose you’ll be wanting a divorce?’

  ‘I hadn’t thought about it…’

  ‘You don’t want to marry Matthew?’

  ‘I never wanted to marry anyone!’

  ‘No,’ Nick acknowledged dully. ‘Well, good luck. And if you do decide you want a divorce Kay will know where you can reach me.’

  ‘I’ll remember that.’

  ‘And—’

  ‘I thought you were leaving, Nick,’ Rachel said pointedly.

  ‘Yes, I am. God, I made some mistakes with you!’ he groaned.

  ‘Let’s hope you make more of a success of your second marriage.’

  ‘I—’

  ‘Goodbye, Nick,’ her voice was shrill. If he didn’t leave in a minute she would start to scream, and if she started she doubted she would be able to stop. She was too tense, already verging on the hysterical, it wouldn’t take much to trigger it off.

  ‘I think I prefer goodnight,’ he said.

  ‘I prefer goodbye!’

  Nick gave an abrupt nod before he went, leaving a shaking Rachel behind him.

  Seeing Nick tonight had been the last thing she expected, and coming so recently after her fright over Matthew, it had completely unnerved her.

  ‘Rachel?’

  Her mother had come out into the hallway at the sound of the front door quietly closing, frowning anxiously at Rac
hel’s pale face.

  ‘Mum,’ she acknowledged ruefully, moving to join her parents in the sitting-room.

  ‘It was such a surprise, Rachel.’ Her usually calm mother was definitely flustered. ‘When we got back from the hospital he was sitting in his car waiting for us. He wanted to know where you were. We were too shocked to prevaricate.’

  ‘It’s all right, Mum,’ she soothed. ‘As far as Nick is concerned Matthew is my boy-friend.’

  ‘Is that wise?’ her father frowned.

  She shrugged. ‘It was what he seemed to think, and what else could I say?’

  ‘You could have tried the truth.’

  ‘Jim!’

  ‘Dad!’ Rachel echoed her mother’s cry of disbelief.

  He stood up to pace the room. ‘I never did like this deception of Nick.’

  ‘He hasn’t been here to deceive!’ Rachel snapped.

  ‘No…’ he agreed slowly, ‘there is that.’

  ‘There’s only that,’ Rachel corrected. ‘If he’d been at all interested in my welfare he would have been here when his son was born.’

  ‘He didn’t know about him.’

  ‘He should have been here anyway!’

  Her father’s expression softened at her vehemence. ‘You still love him.’

  ‘No, I—’

  ‘I’ve always admired your honesty, Rachel,’ he said softly. ‘It would be a pity to ruin it now.’

  She flushed. ‘I may still love him, I don’t know. But what good did it ever do me?’

  ‘It gave you Matthew.’

  ‘Yes,’ she agreed huskily. ‘Oh yes,’ her eyes glowed. Her small son was the very pinnacle of her existence.

  ‘Why was Nick here?’ her father asked softly.

  ‘Why…?’

  ‘Yes,’ he nodded. ‘What did he want?’

  She looked perplexed. ‘I—well, I—I don’t know,’ she finally admitted. ‘I asked him that, and he said he came to see me, but…He did mention the fact that I hadn’t been to Eve’s birthday party,’ she added lamely.

  ‘That’s a pretty feeble excuse for a man of Nick’s intelligence,’ her father derided.

  ‘If he’d had any intelligence,’ her mother said waspishly, ‘he would have loved our Rachel. I’m inclined to think the man’s a fool!’

  ‘Oh, Mum!’ Rachel gave an amused laugh, feeling her tension easing.

  ‘Well…’ her mother looked sheepish.

  ‘I think you could be biased, Mum,’ she teased.

  ‘Maybe,’ her mother conceded, smiling herself now.

  ‘Definitely,’ Rachel’s father agreed dryly. ‘I’m as aware of Rachel’s good qualities as the next man, but you can’t force love. If it isn’t there then it isn’t there.’

  ‘No,’ Rachel said dully. ‘Nick said I could have a divorce any time I want one.’

  ‘And do you want one?’ her father asked softly.

  ‘I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.’

  ‘Well, take your time,’ he advised gruffly. ‘Divorce is a big step, and it’s usually final.’

  She knew that, which was the reason she hesitated. ‘Don’t worry, Dad,’ she assured him. ‘I’m not going to rush into anything, not this time.’

  She was aware as she lay in bed that night, Matthew’s cot painfully empty beside her, that if it came to a divorce between her and Nick, it could be like this for all time. If Nick ever found out about Matthew, unlike his own father, he would fight for custody of his son, and if he won…! She couldn’t even begin to think about life without Matthew!

  CHAPTER NINE

  MATTHEW was his usual cheerful self the next morning when she got to the hospital, seemingly not having missed her at all, as the nurse washed and changed him for the start of the day. Until he saw his mother, when he promptly burst into tears.

  ‘Mummy, Mummy!’ His arms came out to her pleadingly.

  What mother could resist that woebegone tear-stained face? Certainly not Rachel. She scooped her small son up into her arms, crying herself after the night’s separation from him.

  The young nurse looked on indulgently. ‘I’ll leave you to finish dressing him, shall I?’

  Rachel nodded. ‘I’ve brought some of his own clothes with me.’

  Matthew soon calmed down now that he had his mother with him, taking her round the ward to show her all the toys there that he didn’t have at home.

  Rachel laughed, ‘We’ll have to see what Father Christmas brings.’

  He looked up interestedly at these new words. ‘Faffer Christas?’ he repeated curiously.

  ‘Yes, darling,’ she hugged him. ‘Soon.’

  ‘Soon,’ he nodded eagerly. ‘Now?’

  ‘Soon,’ she repeated firmly.

  When Matthew came home from the hospital later that day Father Christmas had called six months early; the building bricks, fire engine, and farm animals he had so admired were waiting for him in neatly wrapped up parcels. The pleasure on his face as he demolished each wrapping to reveal the gifts was worth all the frantic searching through the shops for exactly the right toys.

  Hilary arrived later that evening with a toy car for him. ‘And how’s my big brave man today?’ she cuddled him.

  ‘Spoilt,’ Rachel grimaced. ‘We’re all so glad to have him home we’re falling over each other to grant his least little request. Mum and Dad have been fussing over him so much that I’ve sent them to the cinema before they spoil him completely.’

  ‘He deserves to be spoilt,’ Hilary defended. ‘Don’t you, lamb?’ She sat Matthew on her knee while she helped him get the car out of the box. ‘How’s your head, poppet?’ she asked him.

  ‘Hurts,’ he pouted up at her with his cherubic face.

  Rachel chuckled softly. ‘Much more of this and I’ll enter him for an Oscar!’

  Hilary laughed too as Matthew ‘brrm-brrmed’ all around the room with his new car. ‘He seems fine,’ she commented.

  ‘He is,’ Rachel nodded. ‘No damage at all, the doctor said.’

  ‘I still feel so responsible. If I hadn’t put those boxes there—’

  ‘And if Matthew hadn’t been disobedient and climbed them,’ Rachel interrupted firmly, ‘then he wouldn’t have fallen off and cut his head.’

  ‘No, but—’

  ‘No buts, Hilary,’ she insisted. ‘If it was anyone’s fault it was mine, for not watching him closely enough.’

  Hilary went and sat down in an armchair as Matthew played happily on the floor with his new toys. ‘Rachel,’ she began hesitantly, biting down on her lips awkwardly, ‘About this accident—’

  Rachel sighed. ‘I know exactly what you’re going to say. I’ve already discussed it with my parents, and my mother has agreed to take care of Matthew for the mornings at least.’

  Her friend nodded. ‘That’s something. I didn’t like bringing it up, but since Matthew began walking a couple of months ago—’

  ‘The accidents have been increasing,’ Rachel acknowledged. ‘The chaos too. But other than putting Matthew into a nursery all day, which I refuse to do, I don’t see what can be done about it.’

  ‘You wouldn’t ask Nick for help? He’s in town—’

  ‘I know,’ Rachel said tightly, not completely over the meeting with him yesterday.

  ‘I’m sure if you asked him—’

  ‘I couldn’t,’ she shook her head. ‘You know I couldn’t.’

  ‘Matthew would be better if you stayed at home with him—’

  ‘Utopia!’ she derided. ‘You know I can’t do that. There isn’t enough money for me to pay someone to take my place, and you can’t run the place on your own.’

  Hilary took a deep breath. ‘Geoff asked me to marry him last night.’

  ‘Oh, that’s wonderful!’ Rachel exclaimed excitedly. Hilary had been dating Geoff Crawford, the manager of a neighbouring shop, for the last six months, and the news of their engagement was thrilling. ‘I hope you said yes,’ she teased.

  ‘Of course,’ h
er friend smiled. ‘I’m mad about him. But what I really wanted to tell you was this—if you want to get out of the shop. Geoff might be interested in buying your half from you.’

  ‘He would?’ Rachel’s eyes widened, widening even more at the sum Hilary mentioned he might buy it for. ‘Does he have that sort of money?’

  ‘Well, Geoff is ten years older than me, and he’s been saving for years for his own business. This would be ideal.’

  The idea came as a complete surprise to Rachel. ‘I—Can I think about it?’

  ‘Of course,’ Hilary laughed. ‘I didn’t expect a decision on it today. But it would seem to solve a lot of problems.’

  As Hilary said, it would solve a lot of problems, not least being the guilt she had felt lately about leaving the responsibility of the shop more and more on Hilary’s shoulders. Not that she thought Hilary begrudged her this time she was spending with Matthew, Hilary was too fond of Matthew herself to feel that way, but that didn’t lessen her own feelings of guilt.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Hilary said at her frown. ‘Geoff and I are in no hurry. We haven’t even set a date for the wedding yet.’

  ‘Don’t forget to invite me,’ Rachel teased.

  ‘Are you kidding—I want Matthew to be my pageboy!’

  ‘That I have to see,’ Rachel said dryly.

  ‘And me,’ her friend giggled. ‘Well, I’d better be off now, I’m meeting Geoff later. I only really came round to make sure my little man was all right.’

  ‘Thanks!’

  Hilary swung Matthew up into her arms. ‘Well, it’s true. If this handsome devil were a few years older I’d be marrying him instead of Geoff. And talking of handsome devils…’

  ‘Which we weren’t,’ Rachel said firmly, knowing exactly what direction this conversation were taking, who it was leading to.

  ‘I’ll tell Geoff you said that, I’m sure he’ll be flattered!’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t mean—’

  ‘I know,’ Hilary giggled at her consternation.

  ‘Congratulate him for me, hmm?’ Rachel took Matthew into her own arms. ‘Bed for you, young man.’

  ‘Car!’ He held out his hand for it.

  ‘All right, monster,’ she laughed, picking it up for him, looking over at Hilary. ‘When I’ve put all the toys in the cot that he wants to take to bed with him there won’t be room for him!’