Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  He smiles, holds out his hand and I take it. “Come on.”

  “Where are we going? Sam…?”

  He’s almost running, which means I also have to move fast, and again, that isn’t easy in these heels. But he’s moving with the speed of a man on a mission, and I can’t do anything but let him pull me along behind him. Until we reach the toilets. And then I stop. Let go of his hand.

  “You’re kidding me, right?”

  I fold my arms, throw him a look, but he just smirks.

  “Come on, Joss. This wouldn’t be the first time we’ve fucked in a toilet cubicle.”

  “And they say romance is dead.”

  He comes over to me, drops his hand to my hip, moves his mouth close to mine and I breathe him in. My husband. My rock. My world.

  “I want to fuck you, Joss. Here. Now. I want to fuck you.”

  I can’t stop the groan from escaping as his other hand rests lightly on my neck, pushes my head back, his mouth pressing against the base of my throat. And I’m trying to push those thoughts of Connor Sloane to the back of my mind; everything he made me feel, even if it was only for a few seconds. He made me feel something, and I’m trying to forget it. So maybe I need this, sex with my husband. Dirty sex, in a toilet cubicle.

  He backs into the rest-room, and I don’t even know whether it’s the ladies’ or the men’s, I’ve got my eyes closed as he kisses me; as he pulls me into a cubicle, kicking the door shut behind him.

  My dress is up around my waist in a heartbeat, my underwear practically torn away from me, I need him to touch me now. I need him to touch me, to take away the guilt that’s threatening to overtake me. I need him to fuck me, until it hurts, it’s the least I deserve. I kissed another man, and that was wrong. It was wrong, I love Sam.

  He turns me around so I’m facing the wall; yanks my hips back and I stifle a cry as he slams into me, so hard the force rams me forwards. We’re not making love, this isn’t even sex, it’s fucking. Animalistic, dirty, sordid fucking, and as he continues to thrust into me, I keep my eyes closed, I push Connor Sloane further and further away.

  Connor Sloane, the man who makes me want to smile.

  The man who’s made me question everything.

  Connor Sloane…

  24

  Sam

  I’m doing this to rid myself of the guilt. I’m fucking my wife, like this, to make myself feel better. I’m taking all my frustration out on her, the one person who doesn’t deserve any of my crap. Yet, I needed to do this. And she isn’t complaining, she’s playing along, she’s taking it.

  My wife.

  My world.

  My reason for fucking living. And I’ve risked it all. Everything. I’ve risked it all…

  I explode inside her, that frustration finally freeing itself, and I bury my face against the back of her neck as I try to stifle the cries I want to let out. Need to let out. And I feel her shudder in my arms as she comes too, her quiet moans and gentle groans a contrast to the screams I want to yell out.

  I don’t want to let her go. I want to stay here, holding her, just the two of us. I don’t want that world out there to taint us any more than it already has. I’ve been stupid, careless, and now I might have to pay for that. What I did – what Summer and I have done, we could cause Joss’s world to come crashing down around her, and the knock-on effect that could have – I can’t even think about it. Savvi, Alex, Danny, they’d all be affected in some way. The repercussions of mine and Summer’s actions could have far-reaching, devastating consequences. I’m fucking terrified, I don’t know what to do. I can’t control this, not anymore, and it’s killing me.

  She turns around, leans back against the wall and she smiles at me. She reaches out, gently touches my cheek, leans forward to kiss me. A warm and beautiful kiss that only serves to feed my guilt. A kiss that tears at my heart as I realise what I stand to lose.

  “I love you, Sam,” she whispers, her mouth still touching mine as she speaks, she’s so close I’m breathing her in.

  “I love you more,” I murmur, pulling her against me.

  I love her, more.

  I should never have touched Summer Sanderson.

  I should never have let myself cross that line.

  I was weak.

  I was stupid.

  I was thoughtless and selfish.

  And my actions – our actions, they’re going to have consequences…

  25

  Summer

  I saw them, coming out of the rest-room. Joss and Sam. My best friend and her husband. The man I’ve been sleeping with for almost six months now. I saw them, holding hands and laughing like a couple of teenagers. I know what they were doing in there, it was obvious. He was fucking her. The kind of fuck he hopes might ease his guilt, but it won’t. It might, temporarily, but when he gets home; when the lights go out and all he has are his thoughts and the darkness and nothing to do except remember what I told him – that’s when it’s going to hit him. The reality. It hit me the second I saw them coming out of the toilet.

  I love Joss like a sister.

  I love her husband more.

  I’m having this baby. I want this baby.

  I love my best friend’s husband. A man I can’t have.

  Can I…?

  26

  Alex

  I think my son might be a little bit in love with Savvi Sanderson. Okay, maybe love isn’t the right word, I was eighteen once. I think he might be in lust with Savvi Sanderson. I’ve been watching him watching her all night. I’ve noticed the way he looks at her, his eyes never leaving her as she moves around the dancefloor, but not in a creepy way. If I thought there was anything sinister in the way he was looking at her I’d put a stop to it. Kill it dead. I think he’s just infatuated with an incredibly pretty young woman. A woman he’s grown up with, so, it’s kind of sweet, that he feels this way about her. Thing is, though, I’m not sure she feels the same. She’s barely thrown a glance in his direction, bar the odd friendly smile and a brief chat by the bar. And it’s not like my son’s a bad looking kid, he isn’t. He’s one handsome young man, takes after me, Joss says. He’s tall, like me, has my blond hair, my blue eyes, there’s very little of his mother in there, I’m pleased to say. He seems to have inherited the Swedish gene. But, you know, maybe that’s not the look Savvi goes for. And even if she did, I wouldn’t encourage it. Not right now. They should both be concentrating on their A-Levels, on getting into their first-choice universities.

  “No plus-one tonight, Alex?”

  I turn to see Summer standing beside me. She looks tired. Really tired. “No. On my own, as usual.”

  She looks at me, throws me a half-smile. “You’ve been on your own a long time now. I mean, it’s – what? A few years now since Kelli fucked off to Denmark? Don’t you feel like some company?”

  “When I want company, Summer, I’ll look for it.”

  She lets out a derisive snort, turns her head away to look out onto the dancefloor. “One-night stands, Alex. Meaningless, pointless sex.” She looks back at me. “Don’t you want more?”

  “Not right now, no… Are you okay?”

  She seems a little angry, like someone’s said something; touched a nerve.

  “They’re almost perfect, aren’t they?”

  She appears to have moved the conversation on, she’s not going to answer my question, and I follow her gaze. Her eyes are fixed on Sam and Joss.

  “Your beautiful best friend and her handsome husband.”

  She looks at me again, her head tilted to one side.

  “Do you think she’s beautiful, Alex?”

  I’ve never seen Summer like this, so distracted. So disjointed. She’s not okay, I think that’s quite obvious now.

  “Hmm? Do you think your best friend is beautiful?”

  I think she’s stunning. She’s the most incredible woman I know, I think she’s beautiful inside and out.

  “Yes, I think she’s beautiful… Summer, has Joss done somet
hing to upset you?”

  Her eyes lock on mine, and her expression changes in an instant, it’s almost like she’s been yanked out of a trance. “No… Jesus, no, Alex. Joss hasn’t done anything, I’m just…” She shakes her head, looks at me and smiles. “Ignore me. Long day and all that. I’d better go check on Savvi. Teenagers, a free bar and school tomorrow. Not a good combination, and I don’t want her getting into trouble with her teachers.”

  I return her smile and glance back over at Sam and Joss. She’s leaning right into him, Sam’s arm circling her waist, their faces close as they talk. But, despite the fact she’s smiling, there’s a shadow clouding her eyes, even from back here I can tell that. I can see it. I know her too well. And if something’s wrong, I want me to be the one she comes to. We’ve always been there for each other. Always. I promised her I’d always be there, that I’d always protect her, I promised her that. Because I love her. My best friend.

  I love her…

  27

  Joss

  Kicking off my ridiculously high heels, I sit down on the edge of the bed, drop my head, clasp my hands together between my knees.

  Tonight was exhausting. Only alcohol and some serious acting skills got me through it. But now I’m home; now I’ve actually had time to stop and think about what happened – what did happen, exactly? I kissed another man. I let that happen. But it was only a kiss… only a kiss…?

  It was only a kiss, but the guilt, the regret, it’s overwhelming. It’s surging forward, engulfing me, I feel like my heart’s being ripped in two, I can’t breathe. Because of what that kiss made me feel. The things it’s made me start to question.

  Tears burn the backs of my eyes, scalding my face as they coarse down my cheeks. I don’t want to lose him. Sam. I don’t want to lose him, I don’t know how I would cope if that ever happened. I can’t imagine a life without him, and yet, isn’t that what caused me to act upon that stupid, rash, uncharacteristic impulse? I’d thought my life was stagnating, that all I knew was stifling me – Sam, the school, our life together. I’d thought I needed – wanted – something else. Someone else? Why? I’m happy. Everything’s good, not perfect, but whose life is? Nothing’s perfect, but my life is good. And I could’ve put all that in jeopardy. I still might have, if Sam finds out what I did. What Connor did.

  It was just a kiss…

  28

  Sam

  My head’s thumping. The hangover’s kicking in already, the alcohol haze I needed to help blur everything around me tonight, that’s fading fast. The nightmare’s becoming clearer, forcing me to face up to everything me and Summer have done.

  She’s pregnant. With my baby. Is it definitely my baby? Is there any chance it could be someone else’s? I need her to make sure, to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it’s my baby. Before so many lives are destroyed.

  I lean forward, closing my eyes as I grab the edge of the countertop. I’m clutching at straws, looking for any possibility that I can escape what could be heading our way. Because I’m terrified of the storm that could be coming. I’m terrified of losing Joss. Of losing the life we have. What the hell was I playing at? What the fuck was I doing? Summer means nothing to me. Nothing. Was I bored? Stuck in a rut? Joss and I, we weren’t having any problems, we still had sex, still had great sex; we still have great sex, so why the hell did I need to go fuck her best friend?

  I slam my fist down on the countertop, breathe in deep. Long, slow, deep breaths. I need to calm down, tonight isn’t the time to tell Joss anything. She doesn’t need to know, yet. She may never need to know. That’s the way I’d like it. I want this all to go away, disappear, to never have happened.

  Joss may never need to know anything…

  29

  Connor

  “Maggie? Have you seen Joss this morning?”

  “That was her on the phone. She’s not coming in today. She’s not feeling too well.”

  My stomach sinks, there’s an ache there, it feels like a punch to the gut. “Okay… Can you organise cover for her classes? Oh, and if you see Alex Olsson could you ask him to pop in and see me when he’s got a minute?”

  I go back into my office and close the door. I lean back against it, and for a few seconds I stay there, looking out of the window opposite. I’m tired, I didn’t sleep much last night, how could I? What I did, that’s just not me. And I don’t think it’s Joss either, in fact, I’m certain it isn’t her. But something happened, here, in this office. That connection I felt we had a couple of nights ago, it hit us, both of us, I felt it, when I kissed her. I felt that connection. And now I can’t stop thinking about her. But she’s not here. She’s avoiding me, I don’t think she’s sick. I don’t think she does that kind of thing. I don’t think she avoids school without good reason. I’m that reason. She’s avoiding me.

  A knock on the door makes me jump back from it, and I take a second to catch my breath. “Come in.”

  I head over to my desk as Alex Olsson strides into the room, and I look at him; throw him a smile.

  “You wanted to see me?”

  “I just wondered if you knew how Joss was doing?”

  His frown tells me he obviously has no idea that she isn’t in school today.

  “She’s called in sick. So, I just wondered if you knew how she was.”

  He rakes a hand back through his hair. “I haven’t seen her this morning, so…”

  “You were at the book launch last night, weren’t you?”

  “Yes, I was…”

  “Was she okay? Last night? Joss – was she okay?”

  He frowns again, and I realise I need to stop this line of questioning. It not only sounds like a form of interrogation, it sounds suspicious.

  “She was fine.”

  I drop my gaze, very briefly. I slide my hands into my pockets and look up, I’m composed now. I’m back at work.

  “Tell her – tell her I hope she feels better soon.”

  “I will. And I’ve got her afternoon class covered, okay?”

  “Thank you.”

  “Right, well, I’d better get back to registration.”

  I watch him leave. Joss’s best friend. A man who cares about her very much, I can tell that. His eyes said it all. He’s as worried about her as I am, he knows she doesn’t do this, skip school, for no reason. There’s a reason. I’m the reason…

  30

  Alex

  I knew there was something wrong. Last night, I knew there was something wrong with Joss. And that chat, just now, with Connor Sloane – that’s only convinced me I was right.

  I head to registration, make sure all my students are present, but as soon as the bell rings for the start of first period I dive into the staff room, find a quiet corner, and I call her. I call Joss.

  She picks up after half a dozen rings.

  “Hey, Alex.”

  “You’ve called in sick?”

  “I’m not feeling too good.”

  “Everything all right with you and Sam?”

  “Everything’s fine.”

  I think she’s lying. And that worries me even more. Her and Sam, they’ve always been good together, always been the kind of couple who can get through anything and come out the other end stronger and more in love than ever. And now something just doesn’t feel right.

  “Do you want me to come over?”

  “No, Alex, I’m okay.”

  “If you were okay you’d be in school.”

  “I just had a bit too much to drink last night, that’s all.”

  Now I know she’s lying. She didn’t have too much to drink last night, she wasn’t even touching drunk. And even if she had been, she’d never miss school because of a hangover. We’ve all done it – we’ve all woken up one school morning, feeling like crap, but we dose up on painkillers, eat a greasy breakfast, we get through the day with a pounding headache but we’ve never missed a day because of a hangover. And Joss, she’s the last person to even think about it. So, she’s lying.


  “All right. If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure.”

  “I’ll call you later.”

  “You do that.”

  She ends the call and I look down at the screen as the picture of my best friend disappears, along with her voice.

  I’m not going to call her later. I’m going to see her.

  31

  Summer

  He won’t answer his phone. Won’t take my calls, reply to my texts. He’s ignoring me, avoiding me, and I’m angry. I’m fucking angry, I didn’t get into this mess alone. We’re both to blame, we both caused this. And Sam – he started it. I’m just guilty of falling for his lines, for letting that spark between us become something more, I’m better than that. I should’ve walked away. Told him to leave me alone. I should’ve told Joss right there and then the kind of man her husband really is. But, is he really that kind of man? I don’t think he is. I think he just wanted to see what else was out there. Him and Joss, they’ve been together for so long – Jesus, am I seriously making excuses for him here? And what’s my excuse? What’s my reason for sleeping with my best friend’s husband? I should’ve walked away.

  I listen to Savvi singing along with the radio downstairs. My beautiful daughter. I’d never really wanted any more children, Savvi was all I’d needed. Up until yesterday, I’d never wanted any more children. But I want this child. I want this baby, the product of a sordid affair, so wrong it makes me sick to the stomach just thinking about what I’ve done. But I want this child.

  “I’m off to school now, Mum!”

  Savvi’s voice shouting up the stairs cuts through my thoughts and I rush out of the bedroom, race down the stairs, I want to say goodbye properly.

  She throws me a slightly strange look as I land at the bottom of the stairs, enveloping her in a hug, and she pulls away from me, frowning.