Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  “You all right?” she asks, her brow furrowing deeper as she stares at me.

  “Of course I’m all right, why wouldn’t I be?”

  “That. This. Big bear hugs when I’m only going to school. You didn’t make this much fuss last month when I went to Norway to see Dad.”

  “Releasing a new book always makes me emotional.”

  She narrows her eyes and smiles slightly as she opens the front door. “You’re weird, do you know that? Oh, and I’ve got drama class after school, and then a few of us might go for pizza, so, I won’t be home for dinner. Is that okay?”

  “That’s fine.” I smile at her. She’s growing up so fast. Too fast. I can still remember the day she was born. The day Joss sat with me, never leaving my side, the entire six hours of labour she was there, holding my hand as I pushed my daughter out into the world. She was there. My best friend. “You have a good time.”

  “Thanks, Mum. See you later.”

  I watch her run down the front path, watch her join a group of her friends who were waiting by the gate. I watch as she walks off down the street, towards the bus stop. And only once she’s out of sight do I close the door and sit down on the bottom stair. Only then do I allow myself to think about the way all our lives are about to change. Because they are, about to change.

  I want this baby.

  I want Sam.

  And I’m sorry, Joss, I’m so, so sorry but, I’m taking him.

  32

  Sam

  I know I’m being a coward, refusing to answer her calls. I know ignoring her isn’t going to make the situation go away, but, I just want a few hours to catch my breath. To think. To work out what the hell I’m going to do.

  Joss stayed away from school today, and that’s something else that worries me. Joss never skips school, not for no reason. I’m just not sure what her reason is, today. She told me she isn’t feeling well but I don’t buy that. She seemed fine, health wise. But something’s bothering her, something she hasn’t spoken to me about, I’m just too wrapped up in my own shit to even begin to guess what’s wrong with my wife. And yet, she should be my priority. She should be the one I put first, and I am, putting her first. By dealing with Summer, sorting out that mess, I’m putting Joss first. I’m trying to save our marriage. Our life. I’m trying to save us.

  “Hey, Sam! Hold on a second!”

  I stop in the corridor, turn around to see Alex approaching. And he’s going to ask me about Joss, I know he is.

  “Is Joss okay?”

  “She’s just a little under the weather, that’s all.”

  He frowns. He doesn’t believe me. But, like I said, Alex worries way too much about Joss. She’s a big girl now, she doesn’t need him breathing down her neck every chance he gets. And I know they’re close, I really do get that, I’ve had no choice over the years, but to get that. To accept their relationship. But, you know, sometimes they can be a little too close.

  “Yeah, well, I’m going to go see her at lunch time. Make sure she’s all right.”

  “She’ll be fine, Alex. She doesn’t need babysitting.”

  “I’m not babysitting her, Sam, I’m checking she’s okay. I’m her best friend. I care about her.”

  “So do I.”

  He throws me a look, one I can’t really read, is he accusing me of something here? But that’s it, he’s got nothing more to say. He just turns and strides off down the corridor towards the maths block.

  “Sam?”

  Jesus! What now? Can’t I get any fucking peace?

  Connor Sloane stops me before I can move any further. Is he going to ask me about Joss, too? She’s all anyone’s asked me about today, because it’s so unusual for her not to be here. The last time she missed any school it was just after we’d found out she couldn’t have kids. She’d been so distraught, so upset she’d had to take two days off to get her head together. To accept the card she’d been dealt. And now I’ve gone and gotten her friend pregnant. Betrayed her in a way so utterly devastating I can’t even begin to think how she’d react if she found out. But she isn’t going to find out, is she? I’m going to make sure that never happens. I just haven’t worked out how, yet.

  “If you’ve come to ask about Joss, she’s fine. She’s okay. She just woke up with a bit of a headache, felt a little dizzy. She thought it was best to stay home today, that’s all.”

  “Well, tell her I was asking after her, when you see her. But I actually wanted a word about the soccer tournament this weekend.”

  Good. A change of fucking subject. “The team’s in good shape. We should do well.”

  “Even with Gary James out injured?”

  “Leo Jones is just as good a player. I’ve been keeping my eye on him, making sure he comes to training regularly, just in case something like this happened.”

  He smiles. Connor Sloane. Tall. Obscenely handsome. American. Put all that together and that’s why we’ve got half the female staff mentally dropping their knickers every time he walks past.

  “Great. Just wanted to check how everything was going.”

  “Are you going to be there? For any of the games?”

  “I’m gonna try and catch at least one of them. It all depends on what kicks off here between now and then. You know how it is.”

  He throws me another smile and heads back to his office.

  I finally make my getaway, finding some peace and quiet over in the sports block. I’m covering Joss’s Year Ten history next period, but I’ve still got a few minutes to spare. A few minutes to be on my own, and wonder how the hell I got here. To this.

  Sitting down on a bench at the side of the deserted sports hall, I drop my head into my hands, drag them back through my hair. I sigh, allowing the frustration to flood out of me, because I know it was my fault. That I’m here. My fault. I can’t blame Joss for any of this. I made that first move. Summer reciprocated, yes, I’m not completely to blame. But I lit the touch paper. I went there. She just followed.

  One innocent remark, that’s all it had taken. One stupid, throwaway question and my whole life could be ruined.

  We’d been at a party, a few months back. A friend’s fortieth. A friend who’d separated from his wife of twenty-three years – the only woman he’d ever been with. Slept with. Summer had turned to me, reminded me that Joss and me, we’d been together a long time, too. Hadn’t I wondered what it would be like to sleep with another woman? To see if I was missing anything? Had I ever thought about it? Sex with someone else? And she hadn’t meant anything by it, hadn’t meant it as anything more than a passing comment. Summer, she says it how it is, she talks about things, subjects the rest of us can sometimes be a little uncomfortable with. She likes to start conversations, controversial debates, that’s just who she is. But that night – I don’t know. I don’t know what made me do what I did, say what I did. I told her I’d once thought about sleeping with her. My wife’s friend. And that wasn’t a lie, it was true. I had thought about it. Once. A passing thought, a fantasy I’d conjured up in my head in a moment of – what? Boredom? I was never bored with Joss. What the fuck was I thinking?

  Summer hadn’t even looked shocked. She’d just stared at me for a few seconds, and then she’d turned and walked away, leaving me to dwell on what I’d just said. Leaving me to dwell, and wonder, and never once had I ever intended to act upon that stupid fantasy. Not until three nights later, when I’d popped round to drop off some dishes Joss had borrowed. I was on my way to football training, Savvi was out with her friends. Summer was alone. Alone, and just out of the shower. Alone, with only a bath towel covering her, for Christ’s sake, how fucking cliched was that? I could’ve wrecked my marriage for a stupid, cliched fantasy fuck.

  Shit!

  My phone rings out, piercing the silence, its shrill tone echoing around the empty hall. I look at the screen. I can’t ignore her any longer.

  “Hey.”

  “Sam. We need to talk.”

  She’s right. We do. We really
need to talk.

  33

  Joss

  “Come on, Alex. What part of ‘I’m fine’ don’t you understand?”

  He pushes his way inside, kicking the front door shut behind him. “Well, you look fine, I’ll give you that.”

  I go into the kitchen, and he follows me. “Shouldn’t you be at school?”

  “I could ask you the same thing. And it’s lunch time.”

  He knows something’s wrong. He knows I’m not really ill. He knows. “Have they managed to cover my classes today?”

  “Yes. David and Sam covered this morning, I’m doing this afternoon.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And stop changing the subject.”

  “Are you hungry?”

  “What’s wrong, Joss?”

  “Nothing’s wrong.”

  “You do know who you’re talking to, right?”

  I switch on the kettle, reach into the cupboard for some bread. “I’m fine, Alex. I just woke up with a bit of a headache. I’m taking a sick day, big deal.”

  “You and Sam had a row?”

  I turn to face him, leaning back against the countertop, folding my arms and then thinking better of it. That can come across as a bit of a defensive gesture, in situations like this, and I don’t want to appear that way. Defensive. Even if I am, slightly. Alex doesn’t need to know what happened with Connor. Nobody does. It was a mistake, a terrible lapse of judgement. It won’t ever happen again, I just need to deal with it first, with the shit it kicked up inside of me, then I’ll be fine. I need to deal with the fact it happened at all, that I did that, something so alien to me. I have never, ever even thought about kissing another man. I love Sam too much, I don’t want anyone else. No matter what I might have thought a few days ago. I love Sam. I love my life, our life.

  “No. We haven’t had a row.”

  He leans back against the kitchen table, sliding his hands into his pockets. “You had something on your mind last night.”

  “Are you asking me or telling me?”

  He doesn’t say anything to that. He doesn’t need to.

  “I’m fine, Alex. Really. Do you want a coffee before you head back to school?”

  “You can talk to me, you know that, don’t you?”

  I breathe in, exhaling slowly. I need to get my head together now, before he really starts to push things. “Yes, I know.”

  “So…?”

  I look at him. My tall, handsome, beautiful best friend. “I really am fine, Alex. I’ve just had a lot of work on, and then being offered the Deputy Head position… It’s been a lot to take in.”

  He raises an eyebrow, and I’m not sure if he’s totally buying this, but even if he isn’t he knows when to let something go. “You sure that’s all it is?”

  “That’s all it is.” I smile at him. He needs to see me smile or he won’t leave this house. “I promise.”

  He comes over to me, reaches out and gently cups my cheek, returning my smile. And he whispers to me in Swedish. “Jag älskar dig.”

  I love you.

  “Jag älskar dig också,” I whisper back, because I do, love him too. I love him so much.

  He smiles again, steps back from me, makes his way towards the kitchen door. “You call me if you need me, all right?”

  I nod, and I really need him to go now. I need these last few hours of peace on my own, to pull myself together. To forget last night happened. To forget that I kissed Connor Sloane. That Connor Sloane kissed me. And for a second I wonder if I’m overthinking this, it was only a kiss. One, stupid, meaningless kiss. It’s not enough to signal the end of a marriage as strong as mine and Sam’s.

  “Okay, well, I’ll see you later.”

  I nod again, watching as he makes his way down the hall, listening as he lets himself out, drives off. And only then do I pull out my phone; make that call.

  I need to forget Connor Sloane kissed me.

  And I need him to forget it, too.

  34

  Connor

  All morning I silently begged her to call me. To let me know she was okay. All morning I’ve been on edge. Stopping Sam in the corridor this morning, of course I’d wanted to ask about Joss, but talking about her, to her husband; the fact I can’t stop thinking about his wife, it felt strange. So, I changed the subject, asked about the soccer tournament instead, which I am genuinely interested in. The more time I spend in this school, the more I’m beginning to see how much of a community it is. How close everyone is, it’s almost like a kind of extended family. I’ve never experienced that before, in any other school I’ve worked in. But then, I’d never really wanted to be part of anything like that before. I was always happy with my own company, but now… I don’t know. Now, maybe, it’s time to make some friends. And making a move on a married staff member – I know that wasn’t the most sensible thing to have done, but it happened. And it changed the game. So, when she called me, asked me to come round; when she said we needed to talk, she was right. We do need to talk. We need to clear the air, we need to – I don’t know what else we need to do. I’m kind of playing this by ear now. It’s a situation I’ve never been in before, how can I possibly know how to play this? I don’t even know what I’m feeling, I just know that I can’t stop thinking about her.

  “Sit down, Connor. Please.”

  She indicates a comfortable looking grey armchair next to the fireplace, and I lower myself down into it. She sits on the couch opposite, pushing herself into the corner, tucking her legs up underneath her. She looks at ease. Calm. She doesn’t look ill, but then, I think she already knew I’d guess that was a lie.

  “You didn’t have to avoid me, Joss.”

  “Yes. I did.”

  I sit forward, clasp my hands between my knees. “What happened yesterday…”

  “Was a mistake, Connor. It was a mistake.”

  I feel like someone just kicked me, so hard it’s side-swiped me. Knocked the breath right out of me. Now I’m feeling all kinds of shit.

  “It was just a kiss, but – it shouldn’t have happened.”

  I drop my head, breathe in deep, try to control my heartbeat because it’s racing out of control. “I’m not sorry it happened, Joss.” I raise my gaze, my eyes instantly locking on hers. And I’m not, sorry it happened. Now I’m here, looking at her, staring right into those ice-blue eyes, I’m not sorry I kissed her. I want to kiss her again, I want to do more, I want to touch her, feel her; I want to fuck her. But I can’t. And, in reality, I don’t need the complications of a relationship right now, least of all one with a married work colleague. I’ve enough things to be dealing with, enough problems to sort out without creating any more. But I’m not sorry that kiss happened. I’m not.

  “You should be sorry, Connor. We should both be sorry.”

  I stay silent for a beat or two, my eyes still locked on hers, she isn’t breaking that stare. She’s holding my gaze, and I’m still not sorry. “But we need to clear the air, right?”

  She nods, finally dropping her gaze, turning her head to look out of the window. “We need to forget it happened.” She turns back to face me. “Please. I love Sam, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, in any way. And I don’t know what I was thinking, last night, I don’t, but – we need to forget it happened.”

  She looks tired. She’s let herself feel too much guilt, she’s let that one, small kiss eat away at her, and now there’s a sadness in those beautiful blue eyes that’s almost seeping into me, it’s so powerful.

  “Then that’s what we’ll do. We’ll forget it ever happened. And we start again.”

  I smile, and her sigh of relief is so loud, so heartfelt it almost engulfs her entire body. “Connor, thank you. Thank you. I just – I didn’t know what to do. And the idea of facing you today, in school, knowing Sam was around… I couldn’t do it. Not without speaking to you first. Alone.”

  I keep smiling, even though inside I’m a little deflated. Maybe a little relieved, too, I don’t know. If
she’d wanted something more would I really have gone there? Would she?

  “So, are we good?” I ask, even though my gut is still twisted into a confused, conflicted knot. I still want her. Too much. But I’m trying to keep things professional now. It’s what she wants. It’s what I need.

  She smiles a small but relieved smile. “Yeah. We’re good.”

  “And, will I see you in school tomorrow?”

  She nods, pulling herself up off the couch, which signals to me that she’s done with this conversation now. She wants me out of here. I came, I gave her what she wanted, told her what she wanted – needed – to hear, and now she needs me to go. She needs me to forget I ever touched her, ever kissed her. She wants me to forget that happened. I don’t know if I can. But I should, for my sake as well as hers, this kind of mistake could have far-reaching consequences for me, too. But forgetting it ever happened? I’m really not sure I can do that, despite what I’ve just told her.

  “I’ll see you out,” she says. She’s dismissing me now. And it’s almost like that thread, that connection we’d had, the one we’d both felt, it feels like it’s weakening now. We’ve damaged it. Abused it. Destroyed it? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it doesn’t even matter anymore.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?”

  She nods again, her arms crossed against herself. She’s already putting up barriers.

  I turn to go, open the front door and step back out into the Spring sunshine.

  “Connor?”

  Her voice makes me stop in my tracks. Makes me turn around to face her.

  “I’m not sorry it happened either. It just can’t happen again, that’s all.”

  35

  Summer

  “Where’s Savvi?”

  “Drama class. Then she’s going into town with a few of her friends. She’s just sent me a text, so, she’s going to be out for a while. Where does Joss think you are?”