Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  She pulls back from me, looks up into my eyes and she smiles. “I love you, Alex Olsson.”

  “Right back at ya, beautiful.”

  She’ll think she can get past this, but I’m not so sure. Joss struggles with secrets, she always has done, so what she’s going to tell Sam, I don’t know. I don’t know if she should tell Sam anything, after all, it was only a kiss, wasn’t it? And what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right? People don’t always have to know everything. Maybe that’s something Joss needs to learn. Needs to accept.

  Some of us live with secrets all our lives. Some of us spend every day keeping a part of ourselves closed off, locked away, because to let that secret out could be dangerous. Confusing. It could destroy people. Relationships. It could hurt people. Some of us have to live with shit we can’t ever talk about. Ever act upon, because we’ve been led to believe that doing so would be wrong. So, keeping secrets from those we love? Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes…

  38

  Sam

  “Mr Coburn?”

  I look up from my books, see Savvi standing in front of my desk. I’ve just dismissed my Year Eleven class, I hadn’t heard her come into the room amidst all the noise.

  “Something I can do for you, Savvi?”

  “This project you gave us, last week. We have to hand it in next Monday, right?”

  “You do, yes.”

  She better not be asking for any special treatment here. I don’t do that, not for her or Danny, it doesn’t matter if they’re like family to me.

  “I’m having a bit of trouble with some of it.”

  I sit back in my chair, narrowing my eyes slightly as I look at her. She’s a highly intelligent young woman, she’s never had any trouble with anything before. She sailed through her GCSEs, got the highest grades possible, and I have no reason to think her A-Levels will be any different. So, to hear that she’s struggling with something, that’s setting off alarm bells.

  “You are?”

  She perches herself on the edge of my desk, takes a folder from her bag and opens it. I lean forward, lower my reading glasses down over my eyes as I look at the page she’s opened.

  “This bit about organelle structure and function. I’m a little confused.”

  I sit back, push my glasses up onto my head. “Is everything all right at home?”

  She frowns slightly. “Everything’s fine. Why are you asking me that?”

  “Because you’re one of the brightest students in this school, Savvi. And you’ve never had a problem with anything before, especially not in my class. And this – what you’ve pointed out there, you know that stuff. So, I guess I’m just assuming that for you to have a problem, so close to your exams, then something must be wrong. Something that’s distracting you.”

  “There’s nothing wrong, Sam – Mr Coburn. Everything’s fine, I really am just a little confused by one or two things. And I want to get everything right in my head.”

  I’m still not convinced, but I sit forward, steeple my fingers together in front of me. “Okay. Stop by my form room after school. I’ll help you out. We don’t want your mum on our backs, do we? She’s expecting great things from you.”

  I throw her a wink and a smile and she slides off the desk, slips her folder back into her bag. She seems happy with that.

  “Thanks. I’m sure I’ll get it, once I’ve had it explained it to me, you know? Properly.”

  I watch her walk out of the room, back to her friends, and I sit back in my chair, sliding a pen between my teeth. Savvi is just one of the people who stand to get hurt if Summer has her way. If the truth about me and her is revealed, then Savvi is going to get hurt. And at this point in her education that could have devastating repercussions. Is that what Summer wants for her daughter? To have her head messed up so much, to the point where she could fail some of the most important exams she’ll ever take? I don’t think Summer wants that.

  I lean forward, rest my elbows on the desk, push both hands through my hair. I’m tired, weighed down by the burden of guilt and fear; of everything that lies ahead of me.

  My once wonderful, safe and happy life is about to be ripped away from me, unless I can find a way to stop the truth from coming out because, no matter what it takes, I’m not losing Joss.

  39

  Summer

  Do I feel bad? As I pour her a glass of wine, sit down opposite her; smile at her as she takes a sip of her drink, her need for an alcohol hit all too obvious. Do I feel guilty? That I’m planning to take her husband from her? That I’m having his baby? The baby she can never give him. Do I feel sad because I know it’s going to end a friendship we’ve had since we were eighteen years old? No. I don’t feel any of that, I feel nothing. Joss will be okay. Joss can deal with anything. She’s pretty and smart and people love her. I love her, I do, don’t get me wrong, I love my best friend. But I love her husband more.

  “You’re not drinking,” she points out, indicating the glass of cranberry juice on the table in front of me. The table that stands between my chair and hers. A barrier between us.

  I shake my head and smile. Place a hand on my stomach. “I think I might’ve picked up a bug. You weren’t well yourself yesterday, were you? Savvi said you weren’t in school.”

  She briefly looks down, into her half empty glass of wine. Is there something wrong? Her expression changed slightly there, I could tell. It was fleeting, but it was there. An almost guilty expression. What could Joss possibly have to feel guilty about?

  “I just needed a day to myself. We all need one of those sometimes, don’t we?”

  I pick up my juice, take a small sip. I don’t take my eyes off her. “Do you need to talk about anything?”

  She slowly raises her gaze, a smile now on her pretty face. My beautiful best friend. But it’s a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “No.”

  It’s easy to see what Sam sees in her. She was the first person he saw, the day he started teaching at Millers Bridge. This sexy, Swedish, newly-trained teacher, all light-blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She screams Scandinavian beauty, it always drew the men to her, and Sam was no different. He told us all he fell in love with her the second he saw her, walking along the corridor with that ridiculously handsome best friend of hers. Alexander Olsson and Josslyn Engström. Two of the most beautiful people I know.

  “How’s Sam?” I ask, even though I know how he is. He’s nervous. He’s scared. He doesn’t want to hurt her but we have no choice now.

  “He’s fine. A little distracted, but I’m sure that’s just because he’s busy. The build up to exam time is always busy.”

  Of course he’s distracted. He has a lot on his mind. But soon, she’ll know exactly what’s been distracting him. She’ll know. And this friendship we have, it will end, in a way I don’t want but it’s inevitable now. And I’ll miss her, I will, I’ll miss my closest friend, but I’ll have Sam and our baby to keep me busy, stop me from dwelling on the things I have to lose in order to have the things I want.

  “Is he at home?” I take another sip of cranberry juice before placing my glass back down on the table.

  She shakes her head, sips her wine. Looks out of the window, at the street outside. Her quirky little car parked across my driveway. Is she longing to get in that car? Away from here? From me? Can she feel our friendship already starting to fade?

  Joss, believe me, I never meant for this to happen. I never wanted your husband before, I never once thought of him as anything other than yours. Your Sam. But now I need him to be mine. And I never meant for that to happen, but it did. From out of nowhere came this burning need for him, and I can’t ignore that. I can’t ignore the baby we made together, the one growing inside of me. I’m sorry, Joss, I really am. I’m so sorry…

  “He’s still at school. He’s got football training.”

  “Do you want to stay for dinner? Savvi’s gone out with friends, so, we could order some take-away. Or I can throw together a salad.”

&nb
sp; She shakes her head again, downs the last of her wine. “I promised Alex I’d go over to his tonight.”

  Alex and Joss. They share a bond that nobody can break. Their history unites them, keeps them close, they’re practically brother and sister; almost like twins, that bond is so strong. They accepted me, though, into their little gang of two. When they started university here in England, barring the odd time they were separated to go to lectures, they never left each other’s sides. They were always together, talking in Swedish because that made them feel safe in a place that was still a little alien to them, at first. But when Joss met me, during Freshers’ week, her and Alex, they accepted me immediately. I was allowed in, and their gang of two became three. They even taught me some basic Swedish so I could join in with their private conversations. Some of them, anyway. They’d still huddle together, at times, away from everyone else, this beautiful couple. Two beautiful best friends with an extraordinary bond. Not blood related in any way, but you wouldn’t know that to look at them.

  Even then you were beautiful, Joss. Even then you turned heads.

  “How is Alex?” I ask. Alex Olsson. We had a very brief fling, me and Joss’s best friend. It was just after we’d all started university. Once I’d realised their closeness didn’t amount to anything other than friendship. But what we had, it meant nothing, neither of us was looking for anything serious, we were too busy throwing ourselves into university life. He was still getting used to being in a strange country. We went out a couple of times, that was all. Had sex once or twice, but it meant nothing. Joss didn’t mind, not that it was any of her business. But Alex made it her business. He told her, about us, whether I wanted him to or not. Because Joss comes first. Joss always comes first. All our life, Joss has come first. Sam. Alex. Everyone puts Joss first.

  But that’s about to end, Joss. You’re about to find out what it’s like to come second.

  I stand up, see her to the door. I kiss her on both cheeks and hug her. My best friend. How long have I had these feelings of resentment towards this woman I’ve known for over two decades? The one who’s helped me through bad times, shared the good ones; the woman who held my hand as I gave birth to my daughter. How long have I really wanted what she’s had?

  “I’ll call you.” She smiles before she heads out the door, down the front path to her car.

  It’s going to be sad, saying goodbye to you, Joss. It’s going to hurt, for a little while, but you need to understand that you’re an obstacle now. An obstacle I need to get rid of…

  40

  Sam

  I look at my watch. I need to wrap this up now, I’ve got football training in half an hour and I’m nowhere near prepared for that.

  “Do you think you’re okay with this now, Savvi?”

  She keeps her head bent over her book, scribbles something down before closing it. Then she nods and looks up at me. “I am. Thanks, Sam.”

  She should really still call me Mr Coburn, we’re on school grounds. But I let it go. I smile at her, stand up and go behind my desk to retrieve my whistle from the drawer. I’ll need that for training.

  “You off home now?” I ask, rummaging around in my drawer as I try to locate that whistle. I could’ve sworn I left it in here.

  “Don’t know. That depends.”

  I slam the drawer shut. It’s not in there. I’ve got another one in my office over in the sports block, I’ll use that one. “Depends on what?” I ask, turning around to see her standing right in front of me, clutching her books to her chest.

  “On whether you’re busy.”

  I frown. “I’ve got football practice, Savvi.” She takes a step towards me, she’s a little too close now. And then it dawns on me, the reason why she wanted to stay back this afternoon. The reason why she’s been hanging around me a lot more lately. She didn’t need my help, she just wanted to be alone with me – no, Jesus, no! Not Savvi. Christ, let’s not make this mess any worse than it already is. “You should go home.”

  She smiles, looks up at me, her eyes boring into mine. I want to push her away, but on the other hand I don’t want to touch her. I touch her, and that leaves me open to all kinds of shit, so she needs to go now. She needs to leave.

  Tilting her head to one side she bites down on her lip, which makes her look ridiculously young. A little too Lolitta-ish.

  “I’m almost eighteen now, Sam. All grown up and legal.”

  “You need to go, Savvi. And don’t talk like that, it makes you sound cheap.”

  “I’m not a kid anymore.” Her tone is laced with anger now, and I know I need to pull back a little. I need her to feel okay about this, but I also need her to know that the way I feel about her – she’s like family. She’s like a niece to me. And I’m her teacher. So this – this is so far from okay.

  “I know you’re not, but, come on, Savvi. Seriously? You used to call me Uncle Sam when you were little. I’ve known you your entire life. You and your mum, you’re part of our family.”

  A family that’s about to be blown apart, if Summer gets her way. So, this – we don’t need this mess.

  “But we’re not related, are we? Not really. Not blood related.”

  “Neither are Joss and Alex but look how close they are. They’re like brother and sister, they don’t care whether they’re blood related or not.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “It’s exactly the same. Look, Savvi, this is a stressful time for you, I know…”

  “You’re fucking patronising me now.”

  “Hey! Less of the language. It isn’t you.”

  She looks at me, her usually bright eyes dark. And for the first time I see a hint of her mother in her face. The woman I cheated on my wife with. The woman I got pregnant. The woman who’s threatening to turn my whole world upside down. Mine, and so many others. So, I need this shit, don’t I?

  “You don’t know me. Mr Coburn.”

  I watch as she turns on her heels and leaves the classroom. I lean back against my desk and close my eyes, the Police song ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’ filling my head.

  I slept with Savvi’s mum.

  Savvi wants to sleep with me.

  I’m in so much fucking trouble…

  41

  Joss

  I feel happier today. I feel brighter. I feel like I can live with what I did because it wasn’t so bad. It was just a kiss. Just one, stupid kiss. I didn’t sleep with him. I didn’t sleep with Connor. It was just a kiss.

  “You look amazing,” Sam murmurs into my hair as he pulls me close, the smell of his cologne heady and sweet as I lay my head against his shoulder. Feel his hands on the small of my back. “I love you so much, Joss, you know that. Don’t you?”

  I pull back slightly. I smile at him. I close my eyes and give in to his kiss, he knows I love him.

  “I love you too,” I whisper, straightening the collar of his shirt. “And why are you so needy tonight?”

  He smiles, drops his hand onto my bottom, squeezing it gently. “Am I coming across as needy?” He raises an eyebrow and I throw him a half-smile back.

  “A little. You after something?”

  He pushes me against him, his erection pressing into my hip. “Just you.”

  I groan quietly as he slides a hand up my dress, his fingers splaying out over my thigh. “We need to go, Sam.”

  It’s Alex’s birthday. My best friend is turning forty and we’re throwing a party for him at the local football club. A party I’ve spent the best part of a month organising, so I don’t want to be late.

  “The party’s not going anywhere, Joss, come on.”

  “And you don’t think you’re being needy, huh?”

  But I say that with a smile as I’m sliding my knickers down, stepping out of them.

  He lifts me up onto the table, spreads my legs with his knee and I wrap them around him, I draw him inside me. It’s like a calming injection, his cock pushing into me. Like a warm, calming shot, and I throw my head back and moan
as his mouth brushes the base of my throat, his hands gripping my hips tight as he thrusts deeper and harder.

  It’s quick sex. Nothing special, just a means to an end, a spontaneous reaction. But I still climax as he explodes inside me, his fingers pressing against me, helping me get off. It was nothing special, but it was good. Nice. Something we obviously both needed.

  He crouches down and retrieves my underwear from the floor, grinning as he hands them to me. “Why don’t you leave them off?”

  I take them from him. “How old are you?”

  He leans back against the table, his hands in his pockets, watching me as I slip my knickers back on and reposition my dress.

  “You really do look amazing tonight, Joss.”

  I go over to him, stepping between his legs, his arm circling my waist as he pulls me against him. “The sex is over now, mister. You can quit with the compliments.”

  “They’re not compliments. It’s the truth. You are amazing.”

  I practically melt in his arms. My husband. My world. My Sam.

  “I love you,” I whisper, my mouth resting against his as I speak. The love I feel for this man surges through my veins, and again I wonder how I could ever have put that at risk, for what? The more days that pass, the more I don’t even know what it was that happened between Connor and me. It’s being pushed further and further to the back of my mind, I’m forgetting what made me do it, why I let him kiss me. Because it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter.

  “I love you more,” Sam murmurs, keeping me pressed against him, so close I can feel his heart beating. So close he can feel mine.