Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  He loves me more.

  He loves me…

  42

  Connor

  I didn’t know whether to come here, tonight. To Alex Olsson’s birthday party, but he insisted. And most of the staff from school are here, so, I’m here too, drinking beer and waiting. For Joss to arrive. Even though I know she’ll arrive with Sam. The man who has every right to think about her in ways I have no right to.

  My phone ringing stops me from losing myself in thoughts of Joss – inappropriate thoughts – and I fish it out of my pocket, check the screen to see who’s calling. I answer it immediately.

  “Jessica?”

  “Hey, Connor. Look, I don’t want to spoil whatever kind of evening you’re having right now, but…”

  She pauses, and I feel my stomach twist up into a knot of nerves.

  “She’s not making it easy, Connor.”

  I head out of the main function room, into the only slightly quieter bar area. But at least the music isn’t so loud out here.

  “What do you mean, she’s not making it easy?”

  “She’s fighting it. And I know it’s a ridiculous waste of time, for everyone, including her, but we’re just going to have to be patient.”

  “Jesus!” I lean back against the wall, close my eyes and breathe in deeply. I had a feeling this would happen. I just didn’t think Karen would be stupid enough, given her circumstances, to go down that route.

  “I thought you said…”

  “Fiona and Jack – they’re Bobby’s grandparents, Connor. And they don’t want to lose their grandson.”

  “Are you telling me they’re gonna apply for custody?”

  “No, that was never on the cards. They’ve admitted they’re too old to give him the kind of life he deserves, but they’re terrified of losing him. When he comes to live with you – and that is a when, Connor, not an if – he’s going to be hundreds of miles away. They can’t travel that distance on a regular basis.”

  “And I can’t live down there, Jess. Not anymore. I wanted a new start, that’s why I moved up here.”

  “I understand that.”

  “So, what are you saying? We actually have to let Karen put up some ridiculous fight?”

  “She has every right to try. Like I said, Connor, we’re just going to have to be patient. And Fiona and Jack, ultimately, they’re on your side. They know Karen isn’t fit to look after Bobby, they’ve admitted that. They had very little choice, given the way she acted. And I think, deep down inside, they know he’ll be better off with you. But they love that little boy, and they’re doing a great job of looking after him right now.”

  “I know. And I’m really grateful that they’re doing this, but I need him here, Jess. I need him with me. They’re just going to have to work something out, because I want my son to come home.”

  “And I’m working on it, okay? Karen won’t get sole custody, not in the state she’s in. She’s delusional if she thinks that’s going to happen. She’s still drinking, she’s refusing to go into rehab, again, and her claims that she can stay clean and sober all by herself – it won’t work. And Fiona and Jack, they won’t be able to cope with a toddler for too much longer… You still have access, Connor. You still get to see him. That’s something Karen only gets to do under a supervision order. She gets no time alone with him, not even with her mum and dad present. She’s still being watched, kept an eye on. We are winning this, no matter what it might feel like right now. This is just a minor set-back.”

  “She left him alone, Jess. She left our two-year-old son alone, while she was out getting fucking drunk; getting high, with Christ knows who…”

  “I know.”

  “You said we were close to winning this. You said that, not two weeks ago.”

  “Yes, I know, but you know how fucked up the system can be sometimes. And she’s changed legal firms, managed to get herself a Rottweiler of a new lawyer who seems determined to try anything and everything. Like I said, it’s a waste of everyone’s time, but we just need to hold out a little longer. We will win this, Connor. I promise you that. And you’ve done everything right. You’ve moved to a new school, to a job that isn’t as stressful. You’ve moved away from Karen, bought a house in a good area, you’ve provided details about planned childcare for Bobby… Connor, we will win this.”

  I take another deep breath. I need to stay calm. I need to have my son back with me before I tell anyone that he even exists.

  “Okay. Okay, thanks, Jessica.”

  “You will bring your son home, Connor. Soon.”

  “Yeah. I will.”

  “I’ll call you the moment I have any more news.”

  I end the call, slide my phone back into my pocket.

  I will bring my son home. That’s why I moved here, to Newcastle, to this school. A new start. A quieter life. It was what I had to do, for his sake. For my son. For me.

  I will bring him home…

  43

  Alex

  She looks happy. Joss. As she walks into the room, hand-in-hand with Sam, they’re both smiling, they both look happy. She has that glow about her, an aura surrounding her that tells me they’ve probably just had sex, or shared some kind of intimate moment, not that long ago.

  She looks stunning in a white asymmetric dress that pops against her lightly tanned skin, her silver-blonde hair swept back off her face in a way that makes the most of her ice-blue eyes. Her long legs look even longer in crazy-high strappy sandals, every male head in the room has turned to look at her. But she doesn’t notice, she doesn’t know how beautiful she really is. She can’t see it. Others can. I can. I’ve always known how beautiful she is. My best friend…

  44

  Summer

  It’s crowded and noisy and the music isn’t to my taste. I can’t drink alcohol and I’m tired of thinking of excuses to explain that away, so I’m drinking tonic water and pretending to everyone else there’s also gin in the glass. I wish there was. I need something to get me through this night.

  I turn around, take a sip of my tasteless drink and glance around the room, just as she walks in, all ethereal and beautiful in a white dress that clings to her curves and accentuates her perfect breasts. Joss Coburn.

  Why has your beauty never bothered me before, Joss? Why is it now an irritation I can’t ignore, can’t let go of?

  Sam’s hand rests lightly against her thigh, and she puts her hand over his, their fingers entwining. She turns her head to face him, laughs at something he whispers in her ear before she kisses him. And I watch as that kiss deepens, as his fingers tighten around hers.

  I know why your beauty irritates me now, Joss. I know. It’s because Sam is so consumed by it, by you. He can’t see past your tanned skin and your ice-blue eyes; the way you talk to him in Swedish sometimes, words he knows because you taught him them. Do you whisper to him in your mother tongue when you fuck him, Joss? Do you whisper to him in Swedish, do you use that tool I can’t possibly compete with?

  It’s only when Alex approaches that Joss pulls away from Sam. She’s just pushed her husband aside for her best friend, it always happens. Alex and Joss – together, forever.

  You thought you had Sam forever, didn’t you, Joss? Think again…

  45

  Joss

  “Everything all right?” Alex asks, jerking his head towards Sam, who’s now talking to Summer. She looks stunning tonight, my best friend. All tumbling dark curls and smouldering eyes. So different to me.

  “Everything’s fine.” I smile and slide my arms around his waist, leaning in to kiss his cheek, his stubbled chin lightly scraping my skin. “Happy birthday, Alex.”

  He returns my smile. He has the most incredible smile, my best friend. A smile that always seems to reach his eyes. “Not bad for forty, huh?”

  I laugh as we head out to the bar, I’m ready for a drink. I’m ready to forget the past few days, the strange things I’ve been feeling; I’m ready to forget, and move forward.

  �
��Nothing wrong with your ego, then.”

  He hands me a glass of champagne and throws me another grin. “So, Mrs Coburn. Deputy Head. Never thought I’d see the day my best friend became my boss.”

  “I’m not really your boss. That’s not to say, though, that I won’t abuse my position should you choose to abuse yours.”

  I wink at him, and it’s his turn to laugh, a deep, throaty laugh that comes from the very heart of his diaphragm.

  I’m now officially the new Deputy Head of Millers Bridge Comprehensive School. A new start. A new beginning. Slates have been wiped clean, mistakes have been rectified. I see Connor Sloane as nothing more than a work colleague now.

  I lean back against the bar and look out around me. There are so many people here tonight. Friends, colleagues, family. Alex is a very popular man. And then I spot him, leaning back against the wall, his head down. He’s clutching a bottle of beer but he doesn’t appear to be drinking it.

  “Connor came, then.”

  Alex looks at me. “Would you rather I hadn’t asked him?”

  I shake my head and take a sip of champagne. “It would’ve looked odd if we hadn’t invited him, seeing as the rest of the school is here. I just wasn’t sure he’d turn up, that’s all.”

  Alex looks at me, his eyes narrowing slightly.

  “There’s nothing going on, Alex.”

  He holds up his hands. “I didn’t say there was.”

  “I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

  “You should always tell me everything, Joss.”

  The corner of my mouth edges up into a half smile. “Everything?”

  He rolls his eyes; smirks at me. “I’m going to make sure Danny’s all right.”

  “You found out who’s been distracting him yet?”

  “Savvi.”

  “Savvi? Seriously? My little nephew has a crush on Savannah?”

  “Don’t let him hear you calling him little.”

  “I’m taking it she doesn’t reciprocate his feelings?”

  Alex shrugs, taking a draft of his beer. “Who knows? All I know is I wouldn’t want to be their age again for any amount of money.”

  “You loved being their age. You had women falling at your feet.”

  He leans in to kiss my cheek, throws me another grin and strides off to find his son. I take another sip of champagne and look back over at Connor. He’s still leaning against the wall, his head still down.

  I go over to him, and the second he hears someone approaching he raises his head. He looks tired, his eyes weary. It’s the first time I haven’t seen him smile when he’s seen me.

  “Everything okay? You look a little – you look worn out.”

  He manages a smile this time, but it’s a weak one. “I’m fine, Joss. It’s just been a long day.”

  I lean back against the wall beside him. “I’m glad you came tonight.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Are you?”

  “We’ve moved on, remember?”

  He briefly drops his head again, his shoulders stiffening. “Yeah.” He looks up, turns to face me. But his smile’s disappeared. “We have.”

  Our eyes lock, and for a few beats we stay silent. I don’t know what to say to him, and I don’t think I want to hear what he wants to say to me. So maybe silence is the better option.

  “I said I wasn’t sorry. About what happened…”

  “Let’s not go back there, Connor. It was only a kiss.”

  “It’s not always our actions that carry the most consequences, Joss. Sometimes it’s what’s left unsaid that causes the most damage.”

  “I… I don’t understand…”

  He looks away, shakes his head. “I’m sorry, please, ignore me. I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m – I’m busy dealing with a personal matter and I guess I’m letting the stress of that get to me.”

  “Is it something you want to talk about?”

  So, Connor Sloane does have a life outside of teaching, then. A life that doesn’t seem to bring him much happiness right now, if his demeanour is anything to go by. Was I just a distraction? Something he needed to take his mind off something else?

  He shakes his head again, turns back to face me, and he smiles. He’s trying to make his smiles more convincing now. He’s said more than he wanted to, I can tell that. He doesn’t want to share his problems, not with me. I’m guessing, not with anyone.

  “No. It’s something that’ll sort itself out. In time.”

  “Okay. But I’m a good listener, just so you know.”

  Another smile. This one just about reaches his eyes. “Look, Joss, I said I wasn’t sorry, about kissing you. And I wasn’t, at the time. But, in hindsight, I was wrong. What happened, that was wrong, and… I am sorry, okay? I want us to be able to work together, without it being awkward, so, I need you to know that I really am sorry.”

  “I think we’re going to work together just fine, don’t you?”

  He finally smiles the kind of smile I’m familiar with, from him. A wide, beaming smile that lights up his face. The kind of smile that makes me smile too.

  Connor Sloane still makes me want to smile…

  46

  Connor

  I’m lying. To Joss. I’m lying. I’m still not sorry. I still want her, I just can’t have her. It’s too complicated, even thinking about it scares me. But I can’t step back from her either. Just having her around is the distraction I need. Just thinking about her, that’s giving me time away from the crap my ex-wife’s causing. Karen forced me to uproot my world, move hundreds of miles away to prove that I’m the only one who can care for our son. I had to change my life in order to give my child a better one.

  Joss Coburn, she fills my head with lighter thoughts. Imagining her naked; how she’d feel, inside and out, that takes my mind off everything else, it allows me a little respite.

  Joss Coburn.

  Deputy Head.

  Married.

  Out of reach.

  Joss Coburn.

  My beautiful distraction…

  47

  Summer

  Now I know why you’re feeling guilty, Joss. I heard you talking to Connor Sloane. You didn’t see me standing just inside the doorway, close enough to hear you both. You didn’t see me, but I heard you. You kissed him. He kissed you. What’s the difference?

  Joss Coburn. Beautiful, clever, adored by so many. But you’re just as flawed as the rest of us, aren’t you? And Sam – poor Sam. He’s going to be heartbroken when he hears what you’ve done. He worships you, Joss, just a little too much. This is going to break his heart, which is going to make it so much easier for him to break yours. It won’t hurt him so much, because hearing what you’ve done, it’s going to tear him apart. He never imagined for one minute that his perfect wife would stray.

  You’re going to lose him, Joss. He won’t want tarnished goods, you were perfect, in his eyes. His beautiful Scandinavian princess. You were his fantasy, his dream, but deep down inside he must have seen those flaws. He must have known they were there, why else would he have come to me? Deep down he knew you weren’t perfect. Now he’s going to be proved right.

  You’re going to lose him, Joss. And it’s nobody’s fault but your own…

  48

  Sam

  I feel suffocated in this room, with all these people. I feel trapped, by my own lies and deceit. It’s like everything is slowly closing in around me and as each day goes by I struggle to breathe. Pretending everything is okay is becoming exhausting.

  “Where’s Joss?”

  I turn to see Summer standing beside me, and I feel my stomach tighten, those nerves, that fear, it bubbles up inside me once more, grabbing my heart in its cold, clammy grip. “She’s with Alex.”

  Summer just looks at me, sipping on her drink, her eyes locked on mine. “I saw her with Connor just now.”

  “Then why ask me where the hell she is? You obviously know where she is.”

  I’m agitated, even though I’m trying
my hardest not to let that show. Alcohol helps. It’s becoming a crutch for me these days.

  “Does Joss get on with Connor Sloane?”

  I frown, slide my hands into my pockets. I’m irritated by the sound of her voice now. It never used to irritate me. I used to love listening to her talk, sing; read me extracts from her books. I loved hearing her speak. But now the sound of her voice is nothing more than an irritant. A whine. A reminder of how stupid I’ve been. She wasn’t worth the risk.

  “She gets on with most people, Summer. I can’t imagine Connor Sloane is any different.”

  “Do you get on with him, Sam?”

  I narrow my eyes, silently wishing she’d leave me alone. But she’s never going to leave me alone, is she? Not now. Not when I’ve left a permanent reminder of our stupid mistake growing inside her.

  “I haven’t had a great deal to do with the guy to be honest.”

  “But your wife has.”

  “Is there a point to this conversation, Summer?”

  Her eyes stay fixed on mine. There’s an almost smug expression on her face, and that worries me. It scares me. She scares me now. What she might be capable of.

  She finally shifts her gaze, takes another sip of her drink, but she leaves my question unanswered. Which doesn’t bother me. I don’t care, I’m not in the mood for a conversation.

  “Savvi came to see me a couple of days ago. At school.”

  But maybe there’s one conversation I do need to have with her. Right now.

  “Is she all right?”

  “She pretended she was having problems, with her work. Told me she needed some help with something I know she’s completely capable of tackling.”

  It’s Summer’s turn to frown. I’ve taken control of this now. She’s going to listen to me, and realise that she can’t go messing with people’s lives, not when one of those people is her own daughter.