Love Style Life

by Garance Dore

STUPID PROBLEMS THAT CAN KILL A FRIENDSHIP

  Jealousy: Jealousy stems from desire. If you hate someone because she has everything you want, remember that you probably started by loving her because of everything she has. Keep yourself in check.

  Money: In friendships, as in love, you have to be generous and let others be generous, even if it’s just paying for coffee. You give what you can, whether in affection, money, intelligence, experience, contacts, or a great homemade lasagna.

  Distance: You have to pick up the phone. Call, Skype, text, whatever it is. I’m the worst at this, and sometimes I can’t even get it together to respond to e-mails. So I never hold it against anyone if they can’t call me, but friendships are a bit like flowers.

  They suffer if you don’t sing to them.

  FRIENDSHIP RED FLAGS

  A social climber is a social climber. If he’s social-climbing with others, he’s social-climbing with you. You don’t have to sever your friendship, as a social climber can be extremely entertaining. Just know what you’re in for. Protect yourself.

  Unidirectional friendships—a more frequent problem than you think. Asking, “How are things for you?” (and then listening without checking your Twitter feed) should not be a sacrifice for a friend.

  While deep friendships can sometimes be formed in three minutes, other superficial ones can linger on for years.

  LIKE IN LOVE…

  You have to be able to get over a disagreement and even a big fight. Say you’re sorry and let go.

  You have to be patient. Sometimes people have weird or difficult moments that can make you feel like they’re not themselves and you’re not in the picture.

  Just wait for them. It can take months, but a real friend usually comes back.

  AND LIKE IN LOVE…

  Some friendships die, but it doesn’t mean they weren’t beautiful and true.

  What’s the saying? You live, and you learn.

  I’ve learned something precious from every man (or woman) I’ve fallen for. Even when love didn’t last more than a few days, even when it ended badly. I think about all these love stories (except one) with an incredibly fond heart. And I value each lesson they (most times inadvertently) taught me.

  And even if I’ve maybe had a few more than I’m going to tell you about here, these are the nine loves that really changed me and taught me about life.

  I met my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. He was a skateboarder who traveled the world (with his parents; you can’t be that cool at that age), and he was visiting Corsica.

  I wrote his name on my jeans in what I thought was a very unique way to prove my affection.

  But soon I realized he loved me more than I loved him. You’d think I would have basked in his devotion, but I didn’t.

  Too much love made me become terribly entitled and cruel. Maybe also I was just a dumb teenager who thought she knew about life.

  I learned my first lesson in love:

  1. IT’S FOOLISH TO BE FULL OF YOURSELF.

  After three years of a pretty volcanic long-distance relationship, dramatic breakups, and make-ups like only young lovers can do, I cheated on him. Technically, it was not cheating: I had broken up with him, only he wouldn’t accept it, and he would be back, which leads me to the next lesson:

  2. WHEN SOMEONE BREAKS UP WITH YOU, DON’T HANG IN THERE. GO AWAY!

  I was eighteen when I met a very handsome redheaded boy, sweet and fun and gentle. I fell passionately for him. The wonderful thing about him?

  He made me discover great sex.

  So great that twenty years later I still remember it. Ah, sigh, the lesson:

  3. THE BEST IS NOT ALWAYS YET TO COME.

  4. KEEP A GOOD SEX DIARY. TAKE PHOTOS. VIDEO? TOO RISKY? WRITE ABOUT IT. YOU MIGHT WANT TO REMEMBER HOW GOOD IT WAS, AT SOME LATER MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE.

  5. JUST BECAUSE IT HAPPENS EARLY IN LIFE DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT DOESN’T COUNT.

  But my first boyfriend didn’t give up so fast. His passion was strong, and he had a plan. Our families went to the same place during the summer holidays, and he brought his ten best friends with him. I was naïve enough to think that our story was in the past and that his friends had become my friends.

  All summer we hung out, and they did everything they could think of to come between my sweet love genius and me.

  They talked down to him, ostracized him, mocked his hair color.

  Now I know there is a word for what they did: They bullied him.

  I was stupid and easily influenced. I didn’t see. I went back to my first boyfriend. I still feel awful about the way it happened: I didn’t stand up for him. I wish things had gone differently.

  I left him, but I was the one who lost.

  6. YOUR BOYFRIEND’S FRIENDS WILL MOST TIMES STAY WHAT THEY ARE: YOUR BOYFRIEND’S FRIENDS.

  7. DON’T UNDERESTIMATE HOW FAR A MAN WILL GO TO GET YOU BACK.

  8. DON’T STAND BY AND WATCH SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT GET HURT. YOU WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF.

  (YES, AGAIN)

  So first boyfriend and I were back together, but you know the odds; this couldn’t last for long. At that stage, I was with him for many stupid reasons, one of the worst being (shame on me) comfort. I was still living in Corsica; he had a nice apartment in Paris. That, and the fact that he just wouldn’t let me go.

  9. IN LOVE, AS WELL AS IN LIFE, COMFORT IS NEVER A GOOD REASON.

  10. SOME PEOPLE WON’T LET YOU GO. IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STAY.

  Obviously, the familiarity turned to boredom. I became even more impossible with him; I didn’t like anything about him anymore. I should have left, but what did I know? I was nineteen and clueless.

  11. SOME LESSONS CAN’T BE TAUGHT. YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THEM.

  I stayed with him—waited and waited around. I didn’t know what real love was. Maybe real love was knowing someone by heart and feeling comfortable with him even if you’re a bit bored? I had no idea.

  12. IF YOU’RE BORED AT NINETEEN, LEAVE.

  I was so bored that one night I went to a club with a friend and lost my head for the first guy I saw.

  I hate, hate, hate this story and this man so much. This is one of those very scary stories that so many girls have but that none of us talk about.

  I was lucky; nothing bad happened to me. But I want to talk about it so that if you ever end up in this situation, you will think about me and run.

  Like a marathon session of Homeland, the whole thing happened over maybe six hours.

  I was in a club, and I thought I was a grown woman, but in his eyes, I was probably very cute, fresh, and clueless—and possibly a little drunk too.

  He was there with his friends. He was older and impressive, and girls were throwing themselves at him.

  But he kept staring at me. I could feel his eyes undressing me. I was flattered that he would even notice me, set all his attention on me. We ended up sharing a drink, and he must have seduced me, because I decided to do like they do in the movies and tell my friends I was going home with him. We got into his car, ending up at his place.

  As soon as we arrived, I felt trapped and guilty. It was obvious what this guy wanted, and it was even more obvious that he was interested in nothing else.

  I suddenly was not drunk at all anymore: I had gotten myself into a very bad situation.

  I was still trying to look cool, older than I was, and experienced, and I don’t know where it would have gotten me if he hadn’t disappeared for a second to go to the bathroom after trying to give me the most disgusting kiss of my life.

  I saw my chance. I grabbed my stuff, and left as fast as I could, finding myself walking, completely lost, in the middle of the night. I was lucky I found my way home; I was lucky nothing bad happened to me during that long, terrible walk of shame and guilt that I will never forget.

  I remember how it feels to be a teenager, to feel insecure and to want to belong to the world of adults. And I know what it feels like when older people put pressure on you
.

  It can go so wrong. In so many ways. And the worst?

  No matter what people tell you, it’s hard to shake that feeling of shame and guilt.

  13. PROTECT YOURSELF. HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM, FRIENDS WHO WILL LOOK OUT FOR YOU.

  14. PROTECT YOURSELF. YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND ARE YOUR TREASURES. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER WAYS TO PROVE YOU’RE COOL AND MATURE.

  15. BY THE WAY, WE HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE BUT OURSELVES.

  16. PROTECT YOURSELF. TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS WHEN THEY HAPPEN. WHAT YOU HIDE WILL NEVER HEAL.

  I had moved to a small university town, Aix-en-Provence, to study.

  My first boyfriend and I were still doing a sort of very, very long-distance relationship, which was helping us both ignore the fact that we would never be happy together.

  Studying? Well, I was spending more time at rave parties than on academics. I was having so much fun.

  I was spending more time partying than studying, out every night until dawn with my best friend, Anne. And that’s how one night I met the most handsome, sexy, mysterious guy.

  I don’t remember how we first kissed; it must have been late. I couldn’t put my finger on what made him so sexy and mysterious, but I couldn’t get over it. After hanging out at a few parties together, we became boyfriend and girlfriend.

  17. DON’T REMEMBER THE FIRST KISS? RED ALERT!

  Days with him were pretty boring. I soon realized that he seemed mysterious because he actually had nothing very interesting to say. And no sense of humor, as you may have guessed—but, who knows why, I was hooked.

  We would wake up late, he would smoke weed and I would pretend to smoke weed.

  18. PRETENDING TO SMOKE WEED? RED ALERT!!

  But night would always come and we’d go out and have fun again. I got sort of carried away by the alternative lifestyle (really, I’m much more of a day person) and was totally under the spell of his crazy green eyes. Not gonna brag about the sex here: Crazy party people and loads of weed doesn’t often equal good sex.

  19. AVERAGE SEX? RED ALERT!!!

  Until one day, guess what happened?

  He broke up with me.

  Nobody had ever broken up with me. When he told me that things weren’t working (what, really?), I thought I was going to D I E, capitals. I went back to my roommate, fell on the couch, cried my heart out, slept for two days and two nights.

  I guess it was now time to repay my sleep debt.

  When I woke up, I was over him. Wait. What?

  20. NIGHT GUYS ARE AS UNREAL AS THEY SEEM.

  21. WATCH FOR RED FLAGS. BEWARE OF FAKE LOVE STORIES.

  22. IF YOU’RE BORED WITH HIM DURING THE DAY, IT JUST MEANS YOU’RE BORED.

  23. EXHAUSTION WILL REALLY MESS WITH YOUR HEAD. THE CURE? GO TO BED! (ALONE, FOR ONCE!)

  24. POTHEADS, REALLY?

  Falling for really cute guys was starting to become a thing and apparently not such a good one, so for a change I fell for a very cute girl I met at a café on a long summer day.

  We were friends at first and I loved everything about her, but still, I was pretty startled the day she grabbed me to plant a kiss on my lips. Here is what went through my mind during these very unanticipated seconds:

  What am I doing? Am I kissing a girl? Weird!!! Hey, it’s not…bad? Wait, what’s happening…Okay, let’s kiss again? Just to see?

  I was twenty-one and I was eager to explore. And these feelings and sensations were all so new. It was a bit scary and a lot amazing, but one thing I knew was: I had butterflies in my belly.

  25. FOLLOW THE BUTTERFLIES.

  26. NEVER SAY NEVER. LOVE WILL SURPRISE YOU. IT’S CALLED SELF DISCOVERY.

  The funny thing is it got serious. We became a real couple. But it was complicated—it was hard to shift my self perception. And it was even harder to see the way some people—even close friends—distanced themselves. But I loved her. I wanted to be strong and proud and not succumb to the pressures of society.

  27. OH, ALSO—ADVERSITY IS THE BEST FUEL FOR LOVE!

  We loved each other for two years. But by the end I had realized that love is no different whether you’re with a man or a woman. When it’s good it’s good, when it’s bad it’s bad. We had a great run. But then one day I fell head over heels for a man. Again.

  28. IF YOU WANT TO KISS A GIRL, GO AHEAD, KISS A GIRL. SHE COULD BE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. MAYBE SHE WON’T BE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, AND THAT WILL BE OKAY TOO.

  By now I was twenty-three and I was really into the music scene. One night, I was at a private concert in a friend’s house. When I had the first and only coup de foudre of my life (that’s what we call it, in France, when love hits you like a bolt of lightning. Yes yes, we are romantic). Here’s how it went.

  I saw him first. He didn’t see me (turns out he’s blind as a bat). He was playing the drums (I know, hot). I stood in the middle of the dance floor while everybody around me was dancing (I know, loser). When the concert ended and everybody had left, I was still standing there in the middle of the dance floor like the Statue of Liberty, looking at him. He said hi. I didn’t answer; I was totally frozen. Oh wow.

  Then he turned and kissed his girlfriend, who I couldn’t really see in the dark room but who I pictured as the more beautiful younger sister of Daria Werbowy (I realized much later when I got a better look that she was not).

  29. COUP DE FOUDRE: WILL MOST TIMES LIFT YOUR HEART AND THEN SMASH IT TO PIECES ON THE FLOOR.

  30. DON’T IDEALIZE OTHER GIRLS. THEY ARE AS INSECURE AS YOU ARE.

  The morning after, I called my mother. I called my sister. I called my friends.

  I told them I had met the man of my dreams (I was pretty emphatic and intense at twenty-three).

  31. IT’S OKAY TO BELIEVE IN PRINCE CHARMING.

  I was in love. In love like never before. Nothing would stop me. I knew he was with someone else and I didn’t want to break them up, because I knew eventually the stars would align and we would be together. This might sound crazy, but I knew. I started putting everything in order in my mind, thinking of those long days I would have to wait by my window…

  The next day, someone rang at my door.

  It was the musician.

  32. ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOUR DOORBELL IS WORKING.

  33. TRY TO STAY CHIC AT HOME; YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT BE RINGING (SHE SAYS, TYPING AWAY AT HER LAPTOP IN HER OLDEST SWEATPANTS).

  He said he had just come by to drop off some flyers for his next concert. The friends we had in common had given him my address. Okay! I’ll take your flyers.

  34. DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE LENGTHS TO WHICH A GUY WILL GO TO SEE YOU.

  35. DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF NOT CONNECTING THROUGH A PHONE.

  I offered him a drink.

  36. ALWAYS HAVE A DRINK TO OFFER.

  He stayed all night.

  37. ALWAYS BE READY TO GIVE UP YOUR PLANS FOR A NIGHT.

  We talked.

  38. NO SEX THE FIRST NIGHT, YOU CRAZY PEOPLE!!!

  Here is what we talked about: Our lives. Where we came from. Our dreams. All the books we’d read. All the movies we’d seen. All the travels we’d done. And also…

  He had a girlfriend. He had exams coming up. He was busy. But we had shared our lives and our dreams, and we decided that as soon as he was finished with his exams, in two months, we would leave together and hitchhike around Europe.

  I said okay; I renewed my passport and waited for July like the heroine of a romantic love story.

  39. THERE IS ECSTASY IN ANTICIPATION. DON’T DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF IT.

  40. SAY YES TO ROMANCE.

  41. HITCHHIKE? YEAAAH…YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOUR MOM EVERYTHING.

  July came and I was ready. We still hadn’t spoken since our crazy talking night. Of course I was stalking him a little bit, asking our friends about his comings and goings, but I was very careful to stay out of his way. Keep in mind, this was easy for me: I knew we were meant to be.

  I just had to let fate do all t
he work.

  42. IN SEDUCTION, SOMETIMES ABSENCE IS BETTER. GIVE SPACE, GIVE DISTANCE, DON’T CALL. TRUST THE PROCESS: IF IT’S MEANT TO BE, IT’LL COME TO YOU.

  One night he had a concert that I went to. I talked with him after and he told me he was ready for our trip. We decided on a place to meet for the big departure. I was ready to explode I was so happy.

  But.

  Later that night, I saw him leave with his girlfriend, holding her hand.

  I’m not joking.

  43. GUYS? COMPLICATED.

  Still, I had made my decision; I was leaving with him. We were just friends who had decided on a whim to hitchhike across Europe, right? I would go to meet him as planned, even if I was afraid he wouldn’t show and was going to marry his girlfriend.

  44. GIRLS? CRAZY.

  He showed up! I didn’t say a word about his girlfriend, and we left. We traveled through Nice, Milan, Venice, Vienna, and Prague. The most beautiful cities in the world. I could write a book about it if I wasn’t already writing a book. We had our first passionate kiss one week into the trip, in the cabin of an old republic train, as we rode through a thunderstorm.

  It was so romantic and so sensual. He became my everything.

  Oh, he had broken up with his girlfriend before we had left, by the way. I would later learn that they had been on and off for a while. He was a good, honest man.

  45. GOOD, HONEST GUYS, LIKE IN MOVIES? THEY REALLY EXIST.

  46. TRUE, BEAUTIFUL ROMANCE, LIKE IN MOVIES? IT REALLY EXISTS.

  When we got back to the South of France, I moved in with him. We were so in love. He was incredibly fun and talented. My mom loved him. I loved his mom. He was a great lover. It was all just too much to take. I went from being crazy in love to just being plain crazy.