Love Style Life

by Garance Dore

  I started living only for him. Forgetting my friends. Waiting around for him. Acting jealous. Stalking him. Crying on the carpet because he was going for a coffee with a friend and I was not invited.

  What was wrong with me?

  47. ATTENTION:

  YOU ARE ENTERING CRAZY LOVE ADDICTION TERRITORY. IT WILL MAKE YOU STUPID, UGLY. YOU WILL SAY THAT IT’S ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE—BUT REALLY IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NEEDS. WHAT YOU WANT IS TO POSSESS. DON’T GO THERE. IF YOU START GOING THERE, SLAP YOURSELF. OR COME SEE ME; I WILL SLAP YOU.

  He left me.

  Best idea he’s ever had.

  He broke up with the shipwreck of a love mess that I was. He told me to leave, which I refused to do. After two days (with both of us in his apartment crying and shouting) of emotional blackmail and me hiding the front-door keys (yes, hiding the front-door keys) so he couldn’t throw me out, a friend of a friend called me for a random reason.

  And when she heard my voice, she decided she had to come get me.

  48. EVEN IF THE WORLD AS YOU KNOW IT IS ENDING, ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

  I spent the next twenty days on the couch of that girl I didn’t even really know. She would become one of my best friends, but I couldn’t have cared less at that moment. I had lost my reason to live. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk about anything other than him. I could only smoke and cry. She let me cry.

  49. OPEN YOURSELF TO BEING HELPED. A STRANGER MAY SAVE YOU.

  I cried until I had no tears left, and then I cried without tears for days. My heart felt completely bruised, as if someone had trampled on it. I felt broken inside and out. Everything was gray. All the colors were gone. Oh, so that’s why they call it a heartbreak!

  50. YOU CAN’T KNOW A HEART-BREAK UNTIL YOU HAVE ONE.

  But one day I was out of cigarettes. I had to go out and get more. I threw on whatever I found on the floor and went outside. I felt the fresh air on my cheeks. I started looking around. I felt the world around me, people coming and going. Outside, life was continuing.

  The colors started to come back.

  At that moment, I knew I was going to survive.

  51. HEARTBREAKS ARE MISERABLE. BE NICE TO HEARTBROKEN PEOPLE.

  52. YOU WILL SURVIVE.

  53. KNOWING THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE WILL CHANGE YOU FOREVER. I WISH A GOOD HEARTBREAK TO ANYONE.

  After that specific moment, I started feeling better. I understood that even though I still loved him, I would be able to live without him and could even be happy without him. One day, I would most certainly forget him.

  54. SOMETIMES, ONLY TIME CAN HEAL YOUR WOUNDS. JUST TRUST THAT IT WILL.

  That’s when he came back.

  55. SOMETIMES, A BREAKUP CAN SAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

  We got back together. I swore I would never go back to crazy. No more drama. I swore I would respect him and his life. And I did. I stopped being petty and possessive, and that became my new rule for relationships.

  This was one of the most important lessons of my life.

  Thanks to him, I became a much, much better person, and not just in love but in life.

  56. LOVING SOMEONE IS NOT OWNING THEM.

  57. BOUNDARIES: RESPECT, NO SWEARING, NEVER TREATING SOMEONE LIKE THEY BELONG TO YOU. HE TAUGHT ME ALL THAT.

  58. IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT BEING RIGHT. SOMETIMES THE MOMENT IS FOR LISTENING, GIVING IN, CHANGING.

  59. GIVING SOMEONE THE STRENGTH TO CHANGE IS ONE OF THE GREAT POWERS OF REAL LOVE.

  We lived happily ever after…for a few years. Unfortunately, we were so young when we met. We changed. Our life goals changed, and one day we realized we were unhappy.

  But our love was so strong that we kept trying for one more year. Long enough for me to know it really wasn’t working anymore. But still I couldn’t leave him. I was too attached.

  I was twenty-six, and I knew I had to break up with the man I’d believed was the one, the real one, the only one, my fairy tale. I couldn’t bear the idea. We kept trying…

  And then one day I met a man AT A PARTY. Should have seen the red lights right there, don’t you think?

  60. SOME LESSONS HAVE TO BE LEARNED TWICE.

  By this time I was in Marseille, working my first job in film. We were giving a big party one night, and that’s where I saw him. He was so handsome, I couldn’t believe it (Oh, no! Again!!!). But he was also…Wait. He was mostly just handsome. Very kind, but a little bit young, a little bit…Not the smartest, I decided.

  Still, because I was in a tough moment of my life, and because this time I was sure it was safe and I was in control, I decided to go home with him in order to…

  Have the first real one-night stand of my life.

  I was twenty-six! I had never had a good one-night stand! My friends were having one-night stands! Why shouldn’t I!!?

  And, to this day, I still still haven’t.

  The one-night stand: I’ve heard it exists; I even know some friends who’ve had one. It just has never happened to me.

  I stayed at his place that night. And the night after. My one-night stand turned into a two-night stand, and then three, and then four. And, like that, in a very French manner, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. A few nights later, I decided to get my life together (remember, I was still living with my musician) and move in with my best friends.

  I had found the courage (where I could) to leave my love, fully aware that I was, again, jumping from one relationship to the next.

  61. SOME GIRLS ARE JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

  62. SOME GIRLS ARE JUST AFRAID TO BE ALONE.

  63. DON’T BE ONE OF THESE GIRLS.

  64. SIDE NOTE: LIVING WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS IS THE COOLEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO.

  My weird story continued. I thought of him as a rebound to get me over my long-overdue breakup. It’s nice to have a boy toy. It’s fun, uncomplicated, sexy.

  65. FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS HOW A RELATIONSHIP IS SUPPOSED TO BE: FUN, UNCOMPLICATED, AND SEXY.

  It started to get more serious, though still in a lighthearted way. I was feeling protected, in a sort of life bubble. After a while, I moved in with him. We were living together. We were official. I loved him, without having even been in love with him. But, slowly, the sexy left. Then the fun left. Then one day the uncomplicated left, and suddenly I woke up, broke up, and looked back with terrible angst: I had stayed for three years in love limbo.

  66. IF A RELATIONSHIP FEELS MORE LIKE A COZY BLANKET THAN IT FEELS LIKE A RELATIONSHIP, RUN AWAY.

  That’s what I did, I ran, even though I was thirty by that time and worried that I would never find anybody to love me again.

  67. YOU CAN’T GO AROUND THINKING STUPID THINGS LIKE THAT.

  68. IT’S NEVER TOO LATE FOR LOVE!

  I moved to Paris. I decided it was time to be single! To experience what being thirty had to offer! Let’s have fun and travel with single friends! Let’s be selfish! Let’s. Have. Fuuuuuun!!!

  Woooooohoooooooo…

  Ooooooaaand I met another guy.

  He was Parisian. I told him I hated Parisians, because they’re pretentious, unreliable, and mostly annoying. We fought a little bit about that. But he was also so cute in his skinny jeans that I thought I would give him a try.

  It was by now high time to get rid of my cuteness obsession. I was worse than a modelizer! I was worse than my Parisian himself!!!

  Oops, nope! I actually wasn’t. After a few weeks of a very Parisian romance, lots of cafés, some cigarettes, a bit of baguette (eheheheheheh), and many French kisses, I realized we were three in that relationship: him, me, and his phone. He was pretty obsessed with it. My instinct told me it was not just Angry Birds.

  So, one day, I decided to just go ahead and check it.

  69. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LOVE IS TO RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON’S PRIVACY. DO NOT CHECK THEIR PHONE. DO NOT CHECK THEIR WALLET. DO NOT CHECK THEIR DRAWERS. GIVE THEM YOUR TRUST AND RESPECT.

  70. EXCEPT WHEN YOUR
INSTINCTS GO CRAZY. (IT’S LIKE THAT. IT’S A GIRLS’ RULE.)

  Yes, I did it reluctantly, but I checked his phone. Doubts confirmed: He was cheating on me.

  It was the first time this had happened to me. Weirdly, I didn’t care so much about the other girl. Or girls. Remember lesson #30? I had learned not to idealize the other girl. But it immediately made me realize something about our relationship: As vexed as I was, I didn’t care enough about him to really suffer over his treachery.

  Had I been in love, I might have tried to understand the situation, the why, the how, and if I was able to forgive. But in this case, it just made me want to go far, far away.

  71. CHEATING IS OFTEN THE SYMPTOM OF A PROBLEM.

  72. EACH CASE IS SPECIAL, BUT ONE THING IS ALWAYS TRUE: IT DEEPLY HURTS.

  73. DON’T BE A CHEATER.

  I hit him with my bag a few times for good measure and left.

  It was now time for me to be single. No, really, I was ready. I didn’t even need the party, the wooooooohoooo, and I had given up on my idea of a nice, simple, and sexy one-night stand. It was time to be on my own and enjoy my life and my work and my friends and myself.

  This was going to be good.

  And just as I was saying all that, of course, you know what happened.

  74. UNDERSTAND YOUR PATTERNS.

  I met someone.

  His name was Scott.

  I met him taking photos at Fashion Week, and we became friends.

  Scott made me laugh. He had beautiful eyes. He was terribly smart. He was an incredibly talented photographer. Super gentle. A bit moody. He was very American. I was very French.

  I would see him when he came to Paris for Fashion Week. At first we were just friends. We would chat and fight for hours about life and photography and fashion. We had opposite views on everything, from politics to the taste of coffee. I’d never had a friend like that.

  75. LIFE WILL SEND UNEXPECTED PEOPLE YOUR WAY.

  76. DON’T REJECT SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T EXPECT THEM.

  77. SOMETIMES OPPOSITES ATTRACT.

  He was married and I wanted to be single. Perfect! It was just a friendship.

  78. EXCEPT THAT FACTS DON’T PROTECT US FROM EMOTIONS.

  The thing is, we laughed a lot. He was funny and self-deprecating—my favorite trait in a man.

  79. A SENSE OF HUMOR IS THE WAY TO A WOMAN’S HEART (OKAY, TO MY HEART).

  But one day, as he was about to fly back to New York, something happened. We said our goodbyes and hugged like Americans do, he gave me an undefinable look, and then he walked away. I watched him disappear into the distance…

  At that moment my heart ripped apart. I had never felt anything like it. I started to cry. I had no idea why.

  80. WHEN IN DOUBT, GO SEE YOUR FRIENDS.

  I called my best friend. We talked for hours about this weirdly emotional friendship.

  She said, “Seriously? Can’t you see you are in love?”

  81. SOMETIMES, REASON SCRAMBLES WHAT YOUR HEART IS TELLING YOU.

  I explained to her again how impossible all this was.

  He was not for me. We were too different; it was too complicated.

  She answered: “You don’t decide who you fall in love with.”

  82. LOVE MAKES YOU FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT LOVE.

  I went back home, heartbroken. So that was it. I was in love. And my love had just left Paris.

  In a way it was a relief. Nothing could happen. And I needed time to process.

  But I was aching and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I sent him an e-mail to say goodbye, telling him how sad I was that he had to leave.

  The thing is, at that time, no one in Paris had e-mail on their phones. I had imagined he would get my message once he was back home.

  But Scott was from New York, and he had a Blackberry. He got my e-mail on his way to the airport.

  83. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE TECHNOLOGY.

  He told the driver to turn around and go right back to Paris.

  84. DON’T THINK THAT DISTANCE OR THE MEDIUM (AN E-MAIL) MAKE YOUR ACTIONS ANY LESS MEANINGFUL.

  85. ROMANTIC SHOWS OF LOVE WILL MELT A WOMAN’S HEART

  We met, and finally talked about our feelings. There was a lot of crying.

  After that, there was no way to know what was going to happen.

  I gave it a lot of thought. Talked it out for hours with my friends and my family. With my therapist. And then I decided to follow my heart.

  86. THE ONLY REAL WAY TO LOVE IS TO GIVE YOUR HEART TO SOMEONE. TAKE DOWN THE SHIELD; RELINQUISH CONTROL AND LET GO OF THE FEAR.

  I knew I would probably get hurt, and I knew that I couldn’t be responsible for his life.

  That’s exactly what I told him. We would wait. He had to make up his mind and work his life out on his own.

  87. GIVING YOUR HEART DOESN’T MEAN LOSING YOUR MIND.

  88. SOME THINGS TAKE TIME. YOU CAN’T MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT IN AN INSTANT.

  Months went by. Even if I had terrible moments of doubt, I was enjoying my almost-single life.

  The relationship was sort of a beautiful distant dream.

  89. REVEL IN EACH STAGE OF LOVE. FIRSTS ONLY HAPPEN ONCE. SAVOR THEM.

  Then, slowly, things started to happen. After months of being apart, our relationship became a reality. For a while we continued the long distance, with me in Paris, him in New York…

  But living apart gets old. I had wanted to live in New York City for such a long time. Still, I waited until the timing was right, and one day, it was suddenly all possible. I moved to New York.

  What a wonderful time that was. He was beginning again, and our life together was taking shape. We moved in together and were incredibly happy, for what I thought would be forever.

  But forever it was not. After a few great years, our connection slowly crumbled. Our passionate conversations became fights. Our funny differences became gaps we weren’t able to bridge.

  We kept holding on to our dream, but the reality was that we were miserable.

  90. DREAMS ARE STRONG.

  91. REALITY IS STRONGER.

  As for me, I was getting older and thinking of starting a family.

  The time should have been right to take that step together, and even if we thought we really wanted it, nothing was working the way it should have. Travels would keep us apart for weeks at a time. Fights would leave us angry and depleted. Looking back, I understand that we were not at the same place in our lives.

  92. IN LOVE, TIMING IS OF THE ESSENCE.

  I couldn’t imagine having a baby in that environment, yet it was incredibly scary to think of leaving, of starting over, of being alone, with that dream of a family reduced to pieces.

  I was terribly sad inside and trying to hold on to my old idea of our relationship.

  93. WHEN IT’S REAL LOVE, GIVE IT ALL YOU HAVE.

  We’re so good at telling ourselves stories. It’s all going to work out! He’s a good man; I’m a good woman. So what if the connection is lost? Every couple goes through phases! Let’s go to therapy!!! Let’s make. It. Work.

  94. UNTIL YOU CAN’T ANYMORE.

  I guess things had started to change inside me. I began seeing life differently. Enjoying my time alone. My friends, my family, would tell me how relaxed I was when I was on my own. It’s not that we didn’t love each other anymore. It’s just that, for reasons that will probably take me years to really understand, we were no longer happy together.

  95. ALONE IS BETTER THAN SAD AND UNHAPPY TOGETHER.

  I also looked around me and saw the different ways that life can take shape. Different ideas of what family means. I saw some single friends happily having kids on their own. Possibilities started to form in my mind.

  96. THERE ARE SO MANY PATHS. ALL OF THEM ARE RIGHT.

  At this point, I was not even imagining meeting someone else. It’s not my thing to actively look, and the idea of dating in New York gave me terrible chills. I knew one thing. If I wa
s to leave Scott, I had to prepare myself to be on my own.

  And, slowly, the idea started making me happy.

  And the happy grew inside me, on the ashes of my moribund relationship.

  And one day, I called Scott. He was away. We talked. We cried. We agreed. It was over.

  97. BREAKUPS CAN BE MOMENTS OF GREAT UNDERSTANDING AND SURRENDER.

  98. EVEN IN THE SADDEST MOMENTS, RESPECT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

  I was so scared and so relieved at the same time. I remember telling my mom: “Mom, this is probably the most courageous thing I’ve ever done in my life.” And it was.

  More than my risky career choices or moving away from my home country.

  This was a deeper kind of courage—the courage to keep looking for happiness, refusing to settle if it was not right. The courage to take a leap of faith, trusting that life would bring me everything I needed, however unscripted and unexpected my next chapter would be.

  99. DON’T BE AFRAID.

  It was a real act of self-love and self-trust. And it was my most valuable love lesson…

  100. LOVE YOURSELF.

  And I’ve never been happier. I’m thankful every day, as I walk through the streets of New York, alone, smiling, unafraid. My life is filled with friends, works of love, and possibilities, endless possibilities. I’ve never felt so wise, and I’ve never felt so young. I know I can make anything happen.

  Oh, and I met someone the other day….

  And that will probably be a new chapter with so many new love lessons. I hope it will last forever, but maybe it will be just a few days, and it will be great either way. Because you never stop learning about love. Love is joy, pain, surrender, laughter, pleasure. Love is chemistry. Love is one of life’s greatest adventures.