Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  I nudged Ant. “Can you lend me ten bucks?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Cos I don’t wanna.”

  “I’ll pay you back, plus it’s for a good cause.”

  “Yeah, I can really see you givin’ to charity,” he said, sarcastically.

  I resisted hitting him. “Don’t be a dickhead, it’s for Kelley. I wanna buy her some flowers.”

  Ant smirked. “That’s gay.”

  “Is not, and everything’s gay to you,” as well as you.

  “No, a girl buying a girl flowers is gay.”

  “Kelley’s in hospital, therefore buying her flowers is a get out of gay card. And anyway, it would be lesbian, not gay.”

  “Same diff.”

  “Is not.”

  “Just shut it,” he said, leaning back in his seat, throwing a glare across the room.

  I turned to see what had made him angry. Ash and Llewellyn were sharing a book.

  “I don’t get it,” Ant mumbled. “Why is Ash with him? He ain’t gay, he has Tiana.”

  “I don’t know,” I answered, “but I would like to know.”

  Ant grunted, again making me think ‘How the hell can you be gay?’ He didn’t give off even a tiny gay wave, not even a nano beep on my gaydar. He was a really rough-looking guy, the rugby addict, who couldn’t get enough of bashing into guys and hurting them, rather than you know... doing them. Man, I still didn’t get how gays did it, oh, yeah, I knew the ins and outs of it... Ha, ha, I just made a joke, or was it a pun? Dunno, I sucked at English, but oweee for the butt. I thought normal sex hurt, but putting the penis up you-know-where... No way! That would be an even bigger ouch! And I didn’t get why a guy would allow another guy to put their dick up his butt. I just didn’t understand it, not even teeny weeny bit. What did they get out of it? But personally, I so got why hot guys wanted to kiss each other, because I wanted to kiss a guy, so why wouldn’t they too? And especially if they looked like Ash, although he wasn’t gay, nah ah, and I should know, since he got hard for me. Though, I just wished it was only me, because he’d probably done it with Tiana too. Multiple times. My gaze moved to the empty seat next to Tiana’s best friend, wondering where Ash’s girlfriend was.

  “Earth to Jenna,” Ant said, making me snap out of my thoughts.

  I blinked. “What?”

  “I asked you what you were doin’ for lunch?”

  “Why?”

  “Cos you’re a mate now, and I don’t wanna eat with traitors,” he said, throwing a glare over his shoulder at his best friend. Marko flicked him the finger, making me smirk. I always liked Marko, not in a I want to stick my tongue down his throat way, well, maybe if Ash wasn’t here... Shit, I was getting distracted again. Anyway, Marko was a good guy, which was why it was even more puzzling that he was mates with Ant, who was an a-hole most of the time. Ant was like a Sith, whereas Marko was totally a Jedi. I glanced back at Joel with a giant smirk.

  He sneered at me. “What are you lookin’ at?”

  “Nothing, Jar Jar Binks.”

  “Fuck you,” he snapped, pushing his dreadlocks out of his face.

  “Nope, I’d rather not.” I turned back to Ant, who was sniggering at my Jar Jar Binks comment.

  Joel kicked the back of his seat. “Shut it.”

  Ant grinned at me. “I like you.”

  “So you should, I’m wonderful. And back to what we were talking about, before Jar Jar distracted me.” I ignored the insulting words Joel threw at me, although the teacher didn’t, the man telling Joel off. I nudged Ant. “I’m gonna find out why Ash is sitting with Ginger.”

  “Don’t call him that.”

  “What?”

  “Ginger. His name’s Llewellyn.”

  “Ginger is easier to say.” I flicked my tongue. “L-L-L, I can’t even say his name, too many l’s.”

  “What a load of crap, it’s an easy name to say.”

  “Ginger’s easier.”

  “You’re irritating.”

  “I thought you liked me.”

  “You’re still irritating.”

  “What do you care what I call Li’l Red? You don’t even like him,” I replied, knowing differently, but wanting to see if he said anything.

  Ant pulled a face, which made him look ugly. He was actually good-looking in a rough and tough sort of way, but only if he didn’t lose his cool, because when he did, he was one nasty-looking guy. Like an axe murderer would look like, no, no, more like Jason with his chainsaw, because I was sure under that mask Jason looked like Ant, and I wasn’t over-exaggerating either.

  I nudged his arm. “Do you have a chainsaw at home?”

  His brows pulled together. “No. Why?”

  “Cos if Jason took off his hockey mask, he’d look like you do right now. You so look like you wanna chainsaw Ash.”

  “You’re a weird bitch.”

  “You’re an ugly bitch.”

  He shook his head. “I ain’t a bitch, and I don’t even know why I let you sit with me.”

  “’Cause you like me,” I said, smiling.

  He shook his head again, then focused on what the teacher was talking about, which was... I listened for a second, then pulled a face. Man... I thought we were done with this Othello crap last term, and like then, I so didn’t want to know about how Othello had suffocated his wife for supposedly cheating on him, well, I think that’s what she did, or maybe she didn’t cheat, I couldn’t remember, because I got bored watching the movie. A story truly sucked when even the movie stunk as bad as the book, though it wasn’t like I actually read the book, since I couldn’t get past the first page.

  “How did this guy even get published?” I asked.

  Ant glanced at me. “Who?”

  “Shakespeare.”

  “Cos he’s the best playwright ever.”

  I looked at Ant like horns had grown out of his head. “Seriously? You think he’s a good writer?”

  “Romeo and Juliet may have been stupid, but his other plays were great. A Midsummer’s Night Dream and Twelfth Night were brilliant.”

  I gaped at him.

  “What?” he said.

  “I thought you were a meat-head rugby player, who barely knew how to count let alone read.”

  He smirked. “So, you assumed I wuz dumb?”

  “Well, yeah, I just said so, didn’t I? Plus, you look and sound it.”

  He spluttered, then held up a hand, saying he was all right to the teacher. When the teacher stopped looking his way, Ant whispered to me: “You know, you’re really insulting? How do you even make friends?”

  I shrugged. “’Cause the people I make friends with are dumb.”

  Ant smirked. “Thanks for cheering me up. I should’ve known you were pulling my leg.”

  I opened my mouth to say I wasn’t joking, but decided not to tempt fate. “You’re unwelcome,” I said instead.

  He smiled wider, then refocused on the teacher, looking like he was actually listening. I glanced at his book, which had neat handwriting, so not what I expected, but it gave me a brilliant idea. I wondered whether he could help me write my English homework, or maybe we could just cut to the chase, with him writing it for me. My other two friends were useless at doing my English assignments, and anyway, Cassidy was away sick and the only thing Rhoda studied was Marko, which was really annoying, because it affected my school work. In the past, I would mention that I’d have an assignment due in the next day and that she should come over and help me with it, code for ‘Rhoda, you’re writing it.’ But when she came over, all she did was talk about whether Marko would notice her if she did this or that, totally ignoring me, which meant I’d have to stay up really late and do it myself, or tell the teacher that my brother had put my homework in the toilet, flushing it, because I’d kicked him in the nuts for telling me I looked like a whore with the pink highlights in my hair. You tell a teacher something like that, instead of the old ‘my dog ate it’ bullshit, and they were more likely
to believe you, which meant I usually got an extra few days to do it. Plus, that really did happen, not the flushing of my homework, just my foot making it harder for me to have nieces and nephews, because the pink stripes did not make me look like a whore.

  I glanced back at Marko, who was still totally oblivious to Rhoda’s stares, making me wonder if I could somehow set them up. It wouldn’t be an easy task, since Rhoda wasn’t even close to being in the same league as Marko. Though, she was the right height for him, since only Marko and Ant were taller than her six feet of giraffeness.

  Marko glanced up from his book, giving me a strange look, like he had no clue as to why I was staring at him. I smiled, then leaned back in my chair, whispering, “Rhoda’s got the hots for you.”

  He glanced at Rhoda, who straightened in her chair at his gaze, looking excited, which got an ‘Oh, no, no, no expression’ from Marko. He instantly dropped his gaze, looking intensely embarrassed, which made him look so sweet I could squeeze him, even though he was one hulk of a rugby player.

  “I’m not interested,” he whispered back, glancing up at me. “Just tell her I’ve got a girlfriend, so she doesn’t think it’s her.”

  “But you don’t have a girlfriend, and Rhoda’s not ugly, just a semi-pretty giraffe, which so shouldn’t bother you, King Kong.”

  “She’s does nuthin’ for me.”

  “I’m sure she would. She told me she’d suck you off in a second, and would so let you go all the way on the first date.”

  He sat up straighter. “Really?”

  I nodded.

  He glanced over at Rhoda, who was still unashamedly staring at him, because one thing I knew about Rhoda was that she’d missed out on the embarrassment gene. She was terrible. I would tell her not to do it, but she totally didn’t get why staring at a guy was so not cool, which also made me surprised that Marko had never noticed it before, especially since she’d been doing it ever since she’d clapped eyes on him.

  Marko said something that I didn’t hear.

  “What did’ja say?” I asked.

  “I can’t do that to her,” he said, now looking dejected. “It’d be wrong.”

  “Why would it be wrong?”

  “Cos I’d be taking advantage of her.”

  I shook my head. “Why aren’t more guys like you?”

  Ant snorted next to me. “Cos he’s a dipshit who doesn’t know what’s good for his dick.”

  “Shut up,” Marko snarled, poking Ant in the back with a pencil.

  Ant sniggered. “It’s true. He’s still a virgin, cos he’s waiting for the perfect girl.”

  “Am not, and you’re gonna get it for sayin’ that.”

  I smiled, believing Ant over Marko, because right now Marko looked distraught, which meant he was a virgin, which also meant my task just got a whole lot easier. I was definitely going to tell Rhoda about him being a virgin, because if she tempted him enough he might just crack. Even though Marko was the sweetest natured guy, he still needed someone to make his dick happy.

  “What type of girl are you attracted to, then?” I asked Marko.

  “I don’t know,” he said, glancing at... Oh, no, no, no, he didn’t just look at Lavinia, did he? Because if he did, Joel, who was sitting next to him and looking like he’d fallen asleep under his dreadlocks, would kill him. Dread boy was totally in love with her, which was so funny, considering he was her stepbrother.

  The teacher’s voice rose over the class, “Tiana has pulled out of playing the part of Desdemona, so we need someone to take over the role. Any volunteers?”

  I looked over at Ginger, who was laughably playing the part of Othello. A smile formed across my face, now knowing how I could find out why Ash was the guy’s new friend. Plus, maybe I would get some extra credit for the part, since I was having trouble passing the subject.

  I put my hand up. “I’ll do it.”

  The teacher looked like Santa just ran into the classroom naked, shaking his bits under his big fat belly. “Why... ah, thank you, Jenna, it’s good to see you finally showing interest in Shakespeare.”

  “I sure am.” I glanced at Ginger, who looked horrified, which just made me smile wider, then my smile dropped at the memory of Tiana kissing the guy on stage in a rehearsal. Oh shit! I wasn’t kissing him! Ash glanced my way and smiled, which took that thought right out of my head, and all other thoughts. I smiled back, wondering what it meant. Maybe that was why Tiana wasn’t here: He’d dumped her and wanted to get back with me. My smile widened, which only made him snigger and say something to Ginger, who again looked horrified.

  I scowled, now realising why Ash had smiled at me: He damn well knew about the kissing part in Othello. I turned to face the front of the class, annoyed for getting myself in this position, but still... Ginger was so going to spill the red beans or the only thing he was going to kiss was my fist.

  14

  LLEWELLYN

  Ash and I, by some miracle, managed to avoid Ant throughout the rest of the morning. We took off like Bonnie and Clyde to the lunch spot I sometimes went to, which was behind the school. I sat down, leaning my back against the empty warehouse, feeling the happiest I felt in a long time. I couldn’t believe what was happening: I was having lunch with the boy I was in love with!

  I knew he was just looking for a friend, and that he wasn’t interested in guys, his experience with girls as extensive as Ant’s... from what I’d heard. And that gave me hope, because if Ant wanted to have sex with me, then maybe Ash would want to as well, just in a way that I wanted, which wasn’t exactly sex. I was more interested in kissing and cuddling, because if truth be told, I didn’t think I ever wanted to have real sex again, Ant putting me off it forever. I looked down at the sandwich in my hands, wishing Ant’s head would explode before our next class, for it to just blow up like a bomb had been planted inside of him. I would even detonate it.

  “You gonna eat that sandwich or crush it?” Ash said, making me look up.

  “I was just imagining it was Ant’s head.”

  Ash laughed, the sound making me laugh too. I didn’t think someone whose mother had been murdered just over a month ago could make that sound again, which made me proud that I’d been the cause of it.

  Ash suddenly stopped laughing, his face going serious. “You know I meant it when I said I’d take care of things for you if that prick hurts you again.”

  I frowned. “Why would you do that for me?”

  “Cos he has no right to bully you just cos you’re gay. Actually, he has no right to bully you full stop. I’m sick of people hurting others, not caring ’bout how they feel.” Ash dropped his gaze. “Like my stepdad.”

  I ached to take his hand, to comfort him, but kept my hands to myself, not sure how he would react. I’d heard that he’d been beaten up so bad that he was hospitalised for almost a week.

  “Thanks,” I finally said, appreciating that he was willing to protect me, although I would never tell him the whole truth about why Ant picked on me. Things were done and I couldn’t change them no matter how much I wanted to, plus if I tried I was sure it would only make things worse, intensifying what Ant was doing to me. I visualised Ant exploding, his blood and guts turning into tinsel, celebrating his death.

  “By the way,” I added. “I’m not gay, I’m bi.”

  Ash’s eyes widened with disbelief. “You like girls too?”

  “I have a thing for beautiful people, regardless of their sex,” like you.

  Ash smiled. “I would never have guessed.”

  “Why?”

  “You...” he paused, probably about to say, because I stare at him, but that was only because he was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. “You kinda look it.”

  “Look what?”

  “Gay.”

  “I can’t control how I look.”

  “You used to have really long hair.”

  I touched my hair, which was considerably shorter due to Ant holding me down and cutting it off. “I’m into h
eavy metal,” I said, forcing my hand not to shake at the memory. Ant had attacked me in my house the day he’d had that massive fight with his best friend and Ash, blaming me for him missing a rugby match.

  ‘You’re a boy, not a girl!’ he’d yelled, then had held me down, hacking my hair off, hitting me in the stomach when I’d screamed. I’d lied to my mam when she’d returned home, telling her that I’d done it myself, since I was sick of people calling me gay. The sadness in her eyes had broken my heart, my mam believing every word I’d said. That night I’d cried myself to sleep, wishing I could kill myself, what Ant had done to me after cutting my hair giving me nightmares.

  “You’re feminine-lookin’,” Ash said.

  “That’s because I’m intersex.”

  Ash frowned. “Inter-what?”

  “Although I consider myself a boy, I’m actually half girl.”

  Ash stared at me as though he didn’t understand what I was saying.

  “I’m a partial hermaphrodite, meaning I have both girl and boy parts.”

  Ash’s mouth dropped open, his face shocked. I didn’t know why I’d told him, because I did consider myself a boy. It was hard to fight against years of being treated as one, the concept being ground into me. Plus, society didn’t allow me to be both, and since my parents had brought me up as a boy, everything I did was as a boy. I wondered whether that would ever change, especially since I liked to wear makeup and girls’ clothes sometimes. I also knew a lot of things I did was more like a girl than a boy.

  A second later, Ash burst out laughing, making my heart plummet, his reaction a slap in the face.

  “Don’t laugh at me!” I cried.

  He wrapped his arms around his waist and fell to the side. “It’s not you.”

  “Then who?” I said, wanting to disappear into nothing.

  “Tiana!”

  I knew he was lying, since Tiana was nowhere in sight. “Just stop laughing,” I said, feeling like running, my happy mood completely gone now. I’d never told anyone before, and to have him laugh at me made me not want to tell anyone ever again. I covered my face, unable to hold back the tears.