On The Inside

by Kim Cano

  Abigail began to cry again. “I was cleaning in his room and found a dirty pair of little girl’s underwear hidden under his mattress. And they were stained with blood.”

  A look of shock was frozen on Jess’ face. That was how Abigail had felt too.

  Chapter 23

  “Word is you’re the Gordon Ramsey of the prison kitchen,” Kristen teased Debbie.

  Debbie balked. “I don’t yell at people like he does.”

  “Not the yelling. The cooking. I had no idea.”

  Smiling, Debbie said, “There’s a lot you don’t know about me. The secret is culinary school.”

  “No way. You’re a trained chef?”

  “Yep. Studied back home on the west coast. I worked at a few nice restaurants in my time, and when I got the offer for the one here in Florida, I couldn’t pass it up. It was hard to leave my family though.”

  “So your parents, they didn’t know what was happening to you?”

  Debbie shook her head. “I didn’t want to worry them. They’re elderly and have been though a lot. First time it happened, I thought it was a one-time thing anyway, like maybe I’d said something wrong or had taken the argument too far, but later, it was obvious it wasn’t me.”

  “Wow… I’m sorry you went through that. You’re such a nice lady.”

  “Thanks, sweetie. As you know, bad things happen to everyone. Life doesn’t care if you’re kindhearted. It just goes on with its twists and turns.”

  Debbie described her past like it was a chapter in a book she’d read, one that she planned to leave behind. She was so good at looking ahead, focusing on the future, a trait Kristen really admired in her.

  “I don’t know if this is too forward, and if you don’t want to talk about it I totally understand, but may I ask you how you did it?”

  Debbie sat down on the lower bunk and smirked. “You wanna know all the grisly details, is that it? Like if I chopped him into bits?”

  Kristen let out an uncomfortable laugh. “I guess I do.”

  Sighing, Debbie said, “Well, I’m going to disappoint you then. Because it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that.”

  Listening intently, Kristen said, “I still wanna hear.”

  “Okay. Well, I was at my wits end as you can imagine and had a pretty good idea if I didn’t do something, I’d end up dead. So I went to a gun range and signed up for lessons. I got a permit and purchased a handgun. One night I waited until the bastard was asleep, and then I shot him in the head.”

  “Oh, my God! You must’ve been terrified. And the mess!”

  Debbie shuddered. “Honey… You have no idea. I stood at the foot of the bed with my heart hammering in my chest. My hands trembled. I couldn’t hold them still. I almost talked myself out of it, but then I remembered the last hospital visit and the concussion. I had to reason with myself, that it was either him or me. You’d be surprised what a person is capable of doing to preserve one’s own life.”

  Kristen believed her. The desire to live was built into human nature. She heard of other women in prison that had been in similar circumstances. And a lot of them had children too, most of which ended up being sent to foster homes.

  “Did you at least try to plan it out so you wouldn’t get caught?’ Kristen asked.

  “No. After watching all those police shows, I assumed the cops would just outsmart me anyway. I’m a chef, not a criminal,” she joked. “The only thing that helped me in court was my hospital records. I had admitted my husband had hit me, and it was notated in writing that it wasn’t the first time. A nurse there wanted to help me, but she couldn’t. Her suggestion was to get a restraining order. That’s what everyone suggests. It probably would’ve been better if I had police reports, to build a case, but I’d never pressed charges because I was too afraid.”

  Kristen gave Debbie an understanding nod. “You know, I have a hard time picturing you as a battered wife. I can’t see you afraid of anything. You don’t seem like the type.”

  Debbie smiled. “I hate to break it to you, doll, but there isn’t a specific type. It could happen to anyone. Luck of the draw.”

  Kristen agreed. “I guess you’re right.”

  *****

  Jess’ mom and Abigail’s parents frequently visited at the same time. Jess didn’t know if this was pure chance or some kind of cosmic joke. Or was it a kindness? Jess had told her mom all about Abigail, and her mom seemed happy for her that she had finally found true love.

  “Isn’t she beautiful, Mom?” Jess commented.

  Jess’ mom glanced in Abigail’s direction. “She sure is, dear. You’ve got great taste.”

  Jess grinned, which made her mom smile too. She had always been supportive of her.

  “So how are the neighbors?” Jess asked. “Are you guys getting along?”

  Jess’ mom waved her hand in a dismissive fashion. “I ignore them now. Best way to handle it. Otherwise, they drive me insane. Now, honey, I know you don’t care to hear about him, but your father isn’t doing well. He said to say hello.”

  She was right about that. Jess didn’t want to hear about him. He could literally drop dead and she wouldn’t feel a thing.

  “You know I don’t speak to him, Mom. I’m sorry if that upsets you.”

  “It doesn’t upset me, honey. I just think it’s best to let bygones be bygones.”

  Jess crossed her arms in front of her chest. How does a person forget when their dad tells them that having a lesbian for a daughter is an embarrassment to the family name? She was thankful her mom didn’t follow his advice, which was to drag her from psychiatrist to psychiatrist trying to talk whatever “mental disorder” she had out of her. Jess considered it a gift when he left them to start a new family.

  “Okay. I forgive him,” Jess said. “I hope his health improves and he’s out dancing the tango soon.”

  Jess’ mom shook her head in defeat. “How about we forget I brought it up.”

  “That works too,” Jess replied.

  *****

  Abigail’s dad studied his daughter. “You look good, sweetheart. You seem happier too, more relaxed.”

  “And your skin looks wonderful,” her mom chimed in.

  Abigail blushed. She could never tell her parents the truth. That she had a girlfriend. It would break their heart. Not that they were prejudiced. They weren’t. They just wouldn’t understand.

  “I’ve been working a few days a week in the garden here. I think the combination of fresh air and exercise has been good for me.”

  Abigail’s dad said, “That’s good, honey. That’s good. We sure do miss you. I want you to know that.” He tried to cover his sadness with a smile, but Abigail could see he was suffering. She hated that they had to endure this, that they were hurting because of her.

  “I know, Dad. I miss you guys too. Every day.”

  Abigail’s mother got teary-eyed but took a deep breath and managed to regain composure. “So do you have any friends here?” she asked.

  “Yeah. I’ve got a friend named Kristen. She works in the garden with me, and we do a daily workout with some other girls out on the yard. She’s in charge of it, but she’s been kind enough to let me add some ballet moves into the routine.”

  “That’s wonderful,” she said.

  “And that lady over there,” Abigail said while pointing to Jess. “She’s my cellmate.”

  Abigail’s dad looked over at Jess. His face changed. She sensed his disapproval, but he didn’t remark. Instead, he nodded and asked, “And do you two get along well?”

  Her father’s gaze penetrated her skull, waiting for an answer. He had a way of staring with his calculating blue eyes that was unnerving. He read people with unusual clarity, and it often resulted in her getting busted in little white lies as a kid.

  “We get along great,” Abigail replied. “She’s big into reading. I’m into reading. We do a lot of that. Makes the time pass when you’re bored.”

  “At least you’re keeping busy,” her mom said.
“That’s what’s important.”

  Abigail’s dad took a sip of his bottled water and glanced over at Jess again. He didn’t have to say a word. Abigail could tell he didn’t like her.

  *****

  Kristen sat in her cell during visitation. It had been a long time since Ryan and Toby had come. She’d hoped to see them again, but they hadn’t returned. When she brought it up in outgoing letters, they’d write back about everything else but ignored responding to that part.

  Maybe it had just been too much for them to handle. And if that was the case, she didn’t want to pressure them into coming back. It would be difficult to go without seeing her sons, but if it was what she had to do, she would do it.

  Their sanity came first.

  The very next day, Lakeisha came by with a letter from Ryan. Kristen couldn’t wait to read it and snatched it from her hand as soon as she saw it.

  Mom,

  I’ve got great news. I’m getting married next month. I told you she was the one. I know I’m young and I could wait, but why should I? Why put off what I want today, tomorrow and what I know I’ll want for the rest of my life?

  I wish you could be there, Mom. That’ll be the only thing missing from my perfect day.

  Ryan

  Kristen read the letter twice, then wiped a stray tear from her cheek. She was both elated and heartbroken. She knew this would happen. But nothing prepared her for the anguish of missing her eldest son’s wedding. It was a moment every mother dreamed about and wanted to remember.

  Another moment she would never get.

  Chapter 24

  Things come in threes or so the saying goes. First there was Lupe, who had just given birth to a healthy baby girl. She’d sent an announcement out to Kristen with a photo. Then there was Megan’s wedding and Ryan’s wedding.

  There were times when days and weeks stood still, and inmates could almost hear the minutes pass. Then there were months with flurries of activity. And this was one of those months, especially in the garden. Everyone had gotten fairly good at their tasks. Even Abigail managed to grow some arm muscles and was able to maneuver her wheelbarrow around like a pro.

  Bougainvillea, roses, daisies, azaleas, gardenias, morning glorys, zinnias. These were just a sampling of the flowers the prisoners grew. Their sunflowers were nothing short of spectacular. No other prison could replicate them. The group toiled under the hot sun, cutting grass, turning sod, raking and pruning. They had a football field sized area to tend, with sections for veggies, and banana and avocado trees, mangoes, even aloe plants.

  Warden Laura was proud of the prison garden and frequently scheduled tours for visiting officials. She even gave them seedlings to plant in their own prison gardens, happy to share her success. Since the garden was her showplace, Warden Laura allowed inmates to dress up the area. Abigail painted the benches pastel colors and strung snail shells together and hung them as decorations from a few of the trees. Kristen shaped some of the shrubbery throughout into peace signs and smiley faces, adding a bit of whimsy.

  The work was grueling, and the women were often left with blisters on their hands at the end of the day, but still they loved it. The garden had become a work of art, a magical place.

  They called it their Neverland.

  *****

  Megan’s wedding was a beautiful event, taking place at a small church on a Saturday afternoon. The weather was warm but comfortable with low humidity. There wasn’t a rain cloud in the sky. Her dress was stunning but simple, her hair shiny and curled instead of her signature straight, and her skin and make up was flawless. Laura wore a stylish beige pantsuit instead of a dress, while Lakeisha donned her best lacey frock.

  The interior of the church burst with elegant floral displays, all color-coordinated in varying shades of pink and ivory. The girls from the garden had outdone themselves. Warden Laura was very pleased indeed.

  As the music played and Megan walked down the aisle, Laura swelled with emotion. There was nothing more exciting to her than a couple beginning a life together, and in her opinion, Megan was just about the best catch a man could get.

  Dinner was delicious, followed by dancing to a live band, a refreshing change from the DJs most young people hired. By the end of the night, Laura and Lakeisha were pooped and said their goodbyes. They congratulated Megan and her new husband and wished them a relaxing honeymoon in the Caribbean.

  “Not too relaxing,” Lakeisha said with a wink.

  Megan shook her head and smiled. “See you guys. Thanks so much for coming.”

  *****

  Kristen moped in her bunk the day of Ryan’s wedding. Olivia promised she’d send photos and had tried to cheer her up in the last letter, focusing on the bright side, that her son was getting married to a great girl, but it was no use. She was beyond depressed.

  Debbie had brought her a candy bar from Canteen, but even chocolate couldn’t pull her out of the funk.

  “This should be a happy day,” Debbie chirped. “How proud you must feel.”

  Kristen wasn’t in the mood for the positive attitude seminar today. She just wanted to feel sorry for herself.

  “I am proud,” Kristen responded. “Just wish I could be there.” Then, realizing she seemed rude added, “Thanks for the candy bar, Deb. That was nice of you.”

  Hoping for some privacy, Kristen turned and curled into a fetal position facing the wall. Jeremy’s girlfriend, Cindy, was probably there, hanging on his arm and smiling, congratulating him for having raised such a great son.

  The thought of it made her ill.

  Another woman filling her shoes. Taking her place at the wedding. She felt infuriated even though she knew she had no right to be.

  Kristen unwrapped the candy bar and took a bite. She’d never had much of a sweet tooth, unless you counted alcohol as a dessert. She rarely thought of drinking anymore. It had been years, now. Megan was right. It did get easier with time.

  The rest of the day, Kristen pretended to read a magazine in an attempt to avoid Debbie’s bubbly demeanor. She was only marginally successful. Debbie had gotten into the habit of humming along to the music while wearing headphones.

  *****

  “I think my dad hates you,” Abigail said to Jess.

  Jess sat back, clasping her hands behind her head and grinned. “So I’ve noticed.”

  Abigail came closer, then posed in an appealing way that showed off her curves. “I think he thinks you’ve corrupted me.”

  The bewitching look in Abigail’s eyes filled Jess with desire. She was like a siren.

  Jess pulled her onto her lap. “Well, we can’t have any of that, can we?” she whispered into Abigail’s ear. “Corrupting Daddy’s little girl.”

  Abigail giggled, and as Jess kept an eye out for guards, she groped her, and was happy that she responded like a real girlfriend now instead of just being on the receiving end of the pleasure. It had taken her a while to mentally wrap her mind around the idea, but in the end Abigail’s feelings for her had won out.

  No one could’ve been more thrilled than Jess. This was proof positive that patience really was a virtue. Megan had been right.

  Instead of reading books to each other in their free time, they spent it having copious amounts of sex. And to Jess’ surprise, once Abigail became comfortable with their pairing, she behaved like a complete nymphomaniac.

  An unforeseen godsend.

  Later that night, after they’d exhausted themselves and were lying in their own bunks, Jess asked her a serious question, one that she’d been putting off for a long time.

  “Abigail?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you ever going to tell me how you did it?”

  There was a long silence. “You sure you want to know?” Abigail said in an unsteady tone.

  Jess was quiet, mulling it over. “Yeah,” she replied. “I want to know.”

  Jess climbed down and sat on the corner of Abigail’s bunk. Abigail looked terrified.

  “I’v
e never spoken to anyone about this,” she said. “But the scene’s a recurring nightmare that lurks in the corners of my mind and disturbs me every day. When I think of it, it’s like the weight of the world is crushing me with enormous guilt.”

  Jess lifted her chin so their eyes met. “You can tell me. Whatever it is, I will still love you.”

  Abigail let out a deep sigh. “How to begin,” she said. “I’ve already told you a lot of the stories about Devin. Going forward, Steve and I grew apart from the stress. He’d begun going over to a buddy’s house more often, something he never did before, and staying late at the office to finish up paperwork. After a while, he bumped into an old girlfriend at a coffee shop, and they began talking, rekindling what had been lost. My guess is hearing compliments from a pretty woman was much more enjoyable than getting a report on the latest meltdown from me.”

  “Anyway, once I discovered the affair, I retreated inward. I should have reached out to family, but instead isolated myself. It was just Devin and me. Then I stopped telling Steve anything because I could see he’d emotionally checked out.”

  Jess took hold of Abigail’s hand.

  “I felt so alone, with problems larger than I could face alone. We’d tried everything, like I told you. We loved our son and prayed somehow things would work out and thought if we just kept trying, you know? But then Steve was hardly around, and the pressure of it all built to where I was suffocating. After the incident with the neighbor’s daughter, I gave up. But I couldn’t escape. Each day brought a new level of insanity, and then I made a decision.”

  Abigail paused. Jess squeezed her hand. “It’s okay, Ab. You can tell me.”

  “I know,” she replied, choking back tears.

  Jess waited while Abigail tried to pull herself together, then found she was getting nervous in the process. She’d told herself she was ready to hear it, but now she wasn’t so sure.