On The Inside

by Kim Cano

  “I went to the library,” Abigail continued, “and researched how to poison someone without it being painful. I didn’t want to look online at home in case they could track me.”

  Abigail paused again, and took some deep breaths. “I’d planned it all out in my head, how it would happen, but the night before, I couldn’t sleep. I was alone since Steve and I had started sleeping in separate bedrooms. And as I lay there, I kept wondering how I could consider doing such a thing. I wondered what kind of person I had become. I wrestled with anxiety, morality, fear. Basically, I fell apart. I’d gotten in so deep, I’d accepted the madness of the plan as the only solution. I thought I was doing something good, like he had a disease I was curing.”

  Clearing her throat, she continued. “The next morning, Steve went off to work, Devin ate breakfast and I took him to school. When I picked him up, he was highly agitated, but I didn’t receive a phone call from any of his teachers so I assumed it was a good day. Actually, it was an unusual day, because most of them were so totally out of control. I asked him what was wrong, and he just glared at me like he hated me more than anyone in the world. And even though I’d disconnected, that last look of pure hatred hurt more than all the others he’d ever given me combined.”

  Abigail was sobbing now. Jess leaned in and gave her a hug. This story was turning out to be more emotionally upsetting than she thought it would be. She was shaken on so many levels.

  Jess rubbed her back, trying to comfort her beloved. And in a few minutes, Abigail pulled back, wiped her eyes and went on.

  “So I made his favorite meal for dinner, knowing Steve wouldn’t be coming home until much later, and I put the medication into it. Medication…see what I mean? I’m even doing it now. Calling it ‘medicine’ instead of what it really was: poison.” She sighed a sad sigh before continuing. “I said I wasn’t hungry but sat at the table with him. God, Jess! I sat there with my boy and watched him eat the food that would kill him. And as he chewed each bite, I felt a little piece of my soul disintegrate. I remembered the day he was born, his first Christmas, all the dreams we had for the child we loved. They were shattering with each minute that passed. And when he’d finished his meal, he said he felt sleepy, and he went to his room. I wanted to run after him and scream ‘No, Devin! Don’t lie down. I don’t want you to go!’ but it was too late, and he did lie down, and I stood next to his bed and watched him. He looked so peaceful, Jess. So gentle and kind. The way I always wanted him to be. Then I climbed into bed next to him and wrapped my arms around him and told him how much I loved him while sobbing uncontrollably. And then my ten-year-old boy—my baby—was gone.”

  Tears flowed freely from Jess’s eyes as she re-lived the experience with Abigail. She’d never felt as much pain in her life as she had today. Overwhelmed with grief, she pulled Abigail close and hugged her tight.

  “I’m so sorry, Ab,” Jess sobbed while trembling and shaking. “I’m so sorry.”

  Chapter 25

  As promised, Olivia sent wedding pictures to Kristen. It had been a small affair. A church ceremony followed by a dinner gathering at Ryan’s favorite restaurant. There wasn’t money for a full reception, with drinks, dancing, and music, and for that Kristen felt terrible.

  Ryan looked happy in the photos. That was all that mattered. And his new bride, Valerie, looked lovely in what appeared to be a vintage wedding gown. Kristen wondered if it was her grandmother’s. As she continued staring at Valerie, she got excited. It was real now. Her son was married! And she had a daughter-in-law. Pretty soon, she could even become a grandmother. It was difficult to imagine as she still felt young herself, but it could happen.

  There was something to look forward to.

  Kristen continued checking out the photos. Olivia and Bob looked the same, which was no surprise. She swore the two of them never aged, and wondered if they’d secretly made a pact with the devil. Her younger son, Toby, had matured since she’d seen him last, looking handsome, with a date on his arm. Kristen wondered who she was and hoped Olivia would spill the details in the letter.

  Kristen’s heart stopped when she saw the next photo. It was of Jeremy and Ryan. She hadn’t seen a picture of Jeremy in ages. He looked different. Older, of course. And he’d gained a bit of weight. Olivia had told her he still smoked, and that he still didn’t exercise or eat right. She wished he’d take better care of himself.

  Kristen still loved him. He’d always be her husband. She wondered if Cindy was just as smitten with him as she was. If she was smart, she’d treat him better, but for her own selfish desires, she hoped Cindy wasn’t smart.

  Of course there weren’t any pictures of her and not knowing what she looked like continued to bother Kristen. She set the photos aside and turned her attention to the letter.

  Kristen,

  Hey, sis. How about these snaps? We’re getting old, huh? Wish you could’ve been there. I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of writing a little speech from you. I stood up and gave it at the dinner reception. Hope that was cool.

  Here’s what you said: Ryan, Today is a moment in time to be cherished. I pray it was one of the happiest of your life, with many more still to come. I wish I could be there with the two of you, to witness this occasion but know that I am with you today in my mind, thinking of you and wishing you good luck in your new life together. Love always, Mom.

  What do you think? Too cheesy? Does it sound stolen from a Hallmark card? Bob said it was decent, and Ryan and Valerie seemed to like it. I noticed Jeremy wipe a tear from his eye so it must’ve been good. I’ve rarely seen my brother cry.

  The ceremony was nice. Not too long. Just right. And the food was delicious. Oh, and the dress was cool. Valerie found it at an antique store, said it reminded her of a movie called Somewhere in Time.

  She’s a sweet girl. When you meet her you’re gonna love her.

  Other than that, not much else is going on. Gotta play catch up around here from being out of town. Hope you’re doing okay. I worry about you.

  Love ya,

  Olivia

  Kristen thought the speech was nice. She was thankful Olivia had done it. Then she thought of Jeremy. If he cried did that mean he still cared about her? Maybe it was because he felt bad for Ryan. She could analyze it for hours, she thought. It was a great way to come undone quick. Thankfully, it was time to head out to the garden.

  When Kristen arrived, she saw Abigail in her area digging.

  “Hey there. Did they take you off hard labor or what?” she asked.

  Abigail smiled. “Not sure. Just know I’m working with you today. That’s what I was told.”

  Kristen kneeled down. “Cool. I finally have someone to talk to.”

  As the two of them sweated side by side under the hot sun, Kristen wondered if Warden Laura was giving Abigail a break since Megan’s wedding had been a success. She didn’t know for sure, but she was happy her friend was off wheelbarrow duty for the day. She’d grown some arm muscles, but she was still a pipsqueak.

  Jess strode past and grinned at Abigail, and Kristen noticed the way Abigail smiled back.

  When Jess was out of earshot, she asked, “So how do you two get along?”

  Kristen already had a sneaking suspicion that they got along more than fine but wanted to see her reaction.

  “We get along great. Jess is so nice,” Abigail answered.

  She seemed to glow with adoration as she spoke. Kristen wondered if they were talking about the same person.

  Truly curious, she asked, “What do you like about her?”

  Abigail seemed offended by the question, and Kristen hoped she hadn’t inadvertently put her foot in her mouth.

  “What’s not to like?” Abigail replied. “She’s thoughtful, a good friend, a great listener.”

  Kristen kept working, surprised to hear such praise. Abigail continued, apparently unable to stop herself once on a roll. “We’ve got some books too, and she reads them aloud. It’s amazing how she can change
her voice to sound like any character.”

  “Huh,” Kristen said. “That’s cool.”

  Abigail nodded. “And she’s a pretty good masseuse. I’ve had some neck issues she’s been able to help me with. My ex-husband was a chiropractor, but obviously he’s gone, so I’ve been lucky to have Jess.”

  Kristen bet Jess was adjusting more than Abigail’s neck at this point, but it wasn’t any of her business.

  “Nice,” she said instead. “Sounds like you’ve got a great cell mate.”

  Abigail continued sporting a dopey smile, a dead giveaway that proved her hunch. She never would’ve pegged Abigail as a lesbian. Then again, she didn’t even know what Abigail was in for, or much else about her. When she thought about it, she realized none of it really mattered. They were all just people she passed the time with until she could get back to her life in the real world.

  And what a colorful group they were.

  *****

  Sunburned from being outside and full from dinner, Kristen plopped down on her bunk.

  “The food has gotten so much tastier now that you’re in the kitchen, Deb.”

  “Why, thank you. It’s been nice to get back to what I’m passionate about. In fact, I’m pretty excited about the future. When I get out, I’m going to return to the restaurant I used to run.”

  “Really? I mean, have you been invited back?” Kristen asked.

  “Yep. I just found out. I’d written my old boss, who was a real sweetheart by the way, and happened to be open-minded about my crime. Anyway, I let him know my release date, and that I’d been cooking in here, staying up to date as much as I can considering where I’m at. He wrote me back saying he’s opening a new place next year, and that he’d love to have me on his team.”

  Ecstatic, Kristen found energy to jump up and high-five Debbie. “That rocks! I’m so happy for you. You must be on cloud nine.”

  “I am. I have to say I never expected such a positive outcome from reaching out to him.”

  Kristen wasn’t surprised one bit. With Debbie’s upbeat attitude and sunny disposition, she could see how good fortune would smile upon her. And she didn’t have too much more time to serve.

  Kristen sure would miss her when she was gone.

  *****

  A newly pregnant Lakeisha sat at her desk. She looked up as a suntanned Megan walked in. “You wanna go for drinks tomorrow night? It’s been a while. Love the hubby, but need my girl time too.”

  “Sure,” she replied. “Is Warden Laura coming?”

  “I’m gonna ask her next,” Megan said.

  After she left, Lakeisha set the mail aside for delivery, took a bathroom break, and made her rounds. Lakeisha shook her head in disapproval when she delivered Kristen her mail.

  *****

  Flipping the envelope over, Kristen saw it was from her mom. She quickly opened it up and read it.

  Kristen,

  Hey, honey. Your dad and I are going on vacation to Disney World at Christmastime and thought, since we’ll be in Florida, we’d try to come by and visit you. Just thought I’d write and let you know.

  Mom

  Kristen laughed even though it wasn’t funny. They thought they could just “drop by,” like it was a social call. They were clueless there was actual paperwork to be filled out. Maybe if they’d kept in touch or had shown up to her sentencing, they’d know these things.

  Kristen felt anger rise within. Not just from today’s insult. From decades’ worth of mistreatment.

  It was remarkable how after all these years, her parents still had the power to make her feel rejected. She’d talked about all this with Megan, and she understood that they were just doing the best they could with what they had, but it still hurt. It was hard to be the child of a parent who had nothing to give.

  Kristen thought about writing them back and telling them about the required paperwork. Then, as she contemplated it more, she changed her mind. They had never really seemed to love her. Why would that be any different now? If they actually did come to see her, which she doubted, they’d find out then.

  Kristen set the letter down, climbed into her bunk and closed her eyes. Somehow receiving their short note had changed her world. In less than a half hour, her perspective shifted.

  And she was able to let them go.

  Chapter 26

  A new prisoner came into the mix and, after a short time on the yard, joined Jess’ basketball game. She was aggressive, and a little more physical than necessary, adding tension to an atmosphere that already hummed with indignation.

  But she had game.

  Jess thought she played like she’d been on a team before. She knew her shit. She was the one to watch and learn from.

  “You’re good,” she told the new girl. “Name’s Jess, and you are?”

  “Shanice,” she answered without saying thanks.

  Jess was curious. “You play ball somewhere before?”

  “Ain’t you full of questions,” Shanice replied. “I been shooting hoops all my life.”

  Apparently done with small talk, Shanice bounced the ball and started dribbling, and the group returned to their game. Shanice seemed extra forceful, downright bullish even, almost knocking her to the ground when she tried to block one of her shots.

  This impressed Jess even more, and when they finished, she approached her again. “Dang, girl. You almost killed me on that last one.”

  Shanice crossed her arms in front of her chest and smirked. “Wouldn’t be the first time I killed a cracker.”

  Jess’ friendly smile faded along with the spirit of camaraderie. “Oh,” was all she could think of to say.

  Shanice tossed the basketball to Jess. After Jess caught it, Shanice sauntered over and put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m gonna let you in on a little secret,” she whispered. “God ain’t too fond of your type.”

  With that supposed nugget revealed, Shanice walked away, leaving Jess crestfallen.

  *****

  “You seem upset,” Abigail said to Jess once they were back in their cell.

  Jess shook her head. “I’m sick of hypocrites. That’s all.”

  Abigail listened while Jess told her what happened. Jess knew she felt bad, but couldn’t really relate. Being an affluent white woman, she hadn’t been the subject of much prejudice in her life.

  “You know what pisses me off the most?” Jess blurted out. “When people claim to know what God thinks. That gets me,” she said, while chucking one of her shoes across the room. “They don’t know.”

  Abigail looked like she was about to say something when Jess added, “I happen to believe God loves me. No. I know He does.”

  Jess stalked back and forth, becoming more aggravated. “I used to be very involved in my church. I helped with all kinds of events: bake sales, car wash fundraisers. I don’t need some asshole telling me God doesn’t like my type.”

  “See, you just made your case,” Abigail said. “She’s a jerk. You should forget about her.”

  Jess knew she was right but was still aggravated. Usually when people said that kind of thing, it rolled off her back. But after admiring Shanice, getting slammed by her made it sting more. And bringing religion into it was a great way to push Jess off the deep end.

  “Maybe you should exercise with us instead. You’re always playing ball.”

  “Cause that’s what I like!” Jess quipped.

  Jess could tell she’d upset Abigail. She didn’t mean to take out her frustration on her.

  “You want me to kick her ass?” Abigail asked. “I’m kind of small, but I could probably get one good slap in.”

  Jess laughed. “No, Ab. I don’t want you to do that.” She sat down next to her and smiled. “But it’s kind of cute to picture.”

  Abigail smiled back. She seemed happy to have said something to break the tension. “If you have faith in God and know how He feels, don’t let someone else try to shake it,” she added, a bit more serious now.

  Jess looked at Abiga
il and thought how lucky she was to have her. “I won’t,” she said.

  Later on, after they ate dinner, Jess was interested in hearing more about Abigail’s past.

  “Remember when you told me the story about your son?” Jess said.

  Abigail nodded.

  “Well, you never said what happened afterward. I mean, how did you get caught?”

  Abigail stood and began fidgeting with her hands, then stretched her neck from side to side, the way she did when she was tense. Afterward, she sat down on the cell floor, where she seemed to stare into the past.

  “It was pretty straightforward, I guess. I stayed there next to Devin, crying. First, in a fit of hysteria over what I’d done, then consumed by pain that was beyond comprehension. Eventually, I fell asleep. When I woke Steve had just walked in and flipped on the bedroom light. He looked at me—the state I was in—then he looked at Devin. ‘What’s going on here? What’s the matter?’ he asked. The look on my face told him something dire, and he rushed to our son and kneeled down. “Devin, honey. Are you okay?’ he asked. When he reached out and touched him, he could feel his body was ice cold.”

  Jess was on the edge of her seat.

  “Steve shook him and kept calling his name. When there was no response, he got up, wearing an expression of sheer terror, and faced me. ‘Is he?’ was all he could ask. I broke down sobbing again and nodded yes. Then I looked at my husband and said, ‘I’m sorry.’”

  “His eyes widened as he understood. ‘What do you mean, you’re sorry?’ he asked. But I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t say the words. I just turned away. ‘What do you mean Abigail?’ he asked again as I ran from the room.”

  Abigail’s voice cracked as she spoke.

  “I could hear him break down. He was wailing, ‘Nooo! Not my boy! Oh, God, nooo! Not my son!’ while I leaned against the wall in the master bedroom.”