No Reverse

by Marion Croslydon

  Lenor’s hands shifted from my face to my chest. They rested on my heart. “You’d have given up on Georgetown to be with her?”

  “Yes, without a doubt. My dad was furious, so he went behind my back and put pressure on Cassie after we got married. He’s the one who came up with the whole abortion lie. I didn’t suspect anything.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “I was a fool.”

  “You were seventeen, Josh. Seventeen. And so was she. Whatever I said about her, she loved you and she loves Lucas.”

  Lenor’s eyes were so full of love, love for me. I felt humbled. I leaned forward and leaned my forehead against hers. She’d been so good to me.

  “I need to ask you a question.”

  I straightened up to look at her.

  “Anything.” I owed her that.

  “Did you ever really love me?”

  “I did. I still do.” It was the truth. I’d wanted to love Eleanor so much. I’d known right from the first time we met that she was the one who could help me forget about Cassie.

  But I had never forgotten about Cassie.

  Lenor hunched forward in a sob. I held her and she crashed against me, sobs shaking her shoulders. I kissed the top of her head. I’d never forgive myself for hurting her. As long as I lived, I’d carry her pain with me.

  I was so focused on comforting her that I didn’t notice the shift in her body. Her lips were over mine. I tasted the salt of her tears. Once I’d overcome the shock, I broke the kiss. It felt like cheating.

  Shame washed over me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, when her face brushed against mine.

  She stepped back.

  “Can I ask you one last question?”

  I nodded, although I wasn’t sure about my vow of honesty anymore.

  “If she hadn’t reappeared in your life, would you have carried on? Would you have married me?”

  “Yes.” That was the truth. I’d wanted a life with Lenor. She was good for me. I’d hoped that I’d been good for her.

  She wiped her tears. I saw some new resolve in her. She went on her tip-toes and dropped a light kiss on my cheek.

  “I love you, Josh. Having a family with you was what I wanted more than anything in the world.”

  And like that, she was gone.

  And in that moment, I felt alone.

  thirty-one

  Cassie.

  Eleanor rushed out of the room. Her hand covered her mouth, but still I could hear her cries.

  I’d hidden myself behind a corner at the other end of the corridor. I wasn’t ready to risk walking past the room and bumping into Josh. He’d know right away I’d followed him. So I waited until he reappeared in the corridor. When he did, his face was frozen, with shock. I saw him return to the reception room looking for me.

  I’d come in earlier tonight with some hope that life was looking up, that maybe there was a chance for Josh and me, a chance for Lucas to have parents who loved each other. A family.

  There was nothing left of that hope.

  My stomach rolled. The little I’d eaten tonight, it was making its way upwards. I swallowed back the acrid taste. Staring down at my hands, I saw they were shaking. They felt numb and cold at the same time. Josh loved Eleanor. Duh, of course he did. He’d proposed to her without having the “baby” noose wrapped around his neck. He’d wanted a life with her. Who wouldn’t? She was loyal, smart, loving. They were heading in the same direction.

  Last night had meant nothing to him. Sure, I could still turn him on. No doubt about that. And he still had hang-ups about what happened six years ago. But that wasn’t his future. I wasn’t his future. Somewhere in his heart, Josh still loved me, but I wasn’t who he needed anymore.

  Nothing new here. So why was I struggling to get over what I’d just heard? Inside me, something had shifted. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly. I only knew that I had to talk to Eleanor.

  Making sure Josh couldn’t see me, I stole a glance at the crowd. Freddie was sitting back next to Mr. Carrington. No Eleanor in sight. I had to find her, so I searched for her in every room I had access to. She wasn’t inside anymore. I stepped outside Rhodes House. It was chilly so I wrapped my arms around my chest. I’d left my leather jacket at home.

  I walked around the building. The gardens were nice and neat and I could smell the freshly-cut grass. But, as with everything else here, it smelled wet. Not like the dry scent we had back home at this time of year.

  Eleanor sat on a bench in a corner of the gardens. I swept away the memory of home and made my way toward her, like a little soldier marching to battle. I had no idea of what I was going to say.

  She wasn’t crying anymore. She just sat there, staring into the night. Her long hair floated around her shoulders. Her sleeveless gown must not have kept her warm, but she didn’t seem to care. I walked until I stood directly in front of her.

  “Hi.” My voice was weak and grated on my nerves.

  “Hi,” she answered after a moment. Her voice matched mine.

  “I went after Josh and heard what you said to each other over there.” Or most of it. I nodded towards the lights bursting out of the old building.

  She gave me a sad chuckle. “Your moment of triumph.”

  If I hadn’t been so out my depth already, my eyes would have bulged out of their orbs. “Why do you say that?”

  “You get Josh back.” Another one of her chuckles. “You never lost him anyway. All this time, he was pining over you and nursing his broken heart. I merely filled his time.”

  She was wrong. She deserved to know.

  I risked sitting down on the small empty space next to her on the bench. She didn’t shout for me to get my ass out of her sight. I figured I was safe for the time being.

  I searched for the right words. I had to find the right words. For Lenor. “My Gran used to compare love to a fine piece of lace. It would age well, but once it was stained, you couldn’t wash the dirt away without destroying its softness, without its brightness fading away.”

  For the first time since I’d found her, Eleanor paid me direct attention. Her fingers were clenched around the edge of the bench, her knuckles white. She didn’t say anything.

  I kept on with my little speech. “Josh and I, we truly loved each other. We were kids back then. Still it doesn’t take away what we meant for each other.” I saw the hurt my words caused. That wasn’t what I wanted, so I explained. “But even before coming to Oxford and finding out about you, before what happened to Lucas’s parents… I knew the lace of our love was damaged beyond repair. The hurt I caused him, it destroyed who he was.”

  Eleanor took a rasping breath and finally talked. “He hurt so much because he loved you so much. Losing me today doesn’t even come close to how he felt when he lost you then.”

  She bit her lower lip. Maybe she was right, and it should have made me feel good. It didn’t. The truth was slowly raising its head. I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t ignore it either. Too much was at stake.

  “Still, listening to what you said to him tonight, I know that the lace of your love for him still looks lovely. Sure, not as spotless as it used to be, but not… beyond repair.”

  The words burst out of her mouth. Loud, clear and true. “I still love him.”

  “I know.”

  I knew what I had to do to make this whole mess right. I’d started it and I had to see it through to the end. It would kill me.

  “When you told Josh about your dream of having a family with him, were you telling the truth?”

  She nodded, the ghost of a smile over her face.

  “Could Lucas fit into that dream of yours?

  Her head jerked and she zeroed in on me. “What do you mean?”

  I took a deep breath, but the air burned my throat. “Could you love him as if he were yours?”

  Eleanor turned away and stared into the night. I was shaking. There were all these emotions fighting inside me. The most selfish part of me begged her to say “no.” If she d
id, I could walk away from here, my conscience clear. She just had to say “no.”

  When her eyes returned to me, they were full of resolve. Whatever she was about to say, she meant it.

  “Yes.” Her face broke into a smile. “I’d love him with all my heart because he’s a part of Josh.”

  I fought back the tears and the pain that was slashing me to pieces. I failed and I felt the dampness on my cheeks. I couldn’t talk anymore. I couldn’t take this further than I already had. I wasn’t strong enough.

  “Would you do that, Cassie?” Eleanor asked gently. There was kindness in her voice. I looked up at her and her loving face undid me completely.

  I answered with a nod. “I trust you with the two people I love the most.”

  Her hand shifted along the edge of the bench, and I felt the warmth of her skin over mine.

  “They’re safe with me, Cassie. They’ll always be. They’ll be my everything.”

  A pathetic sob pierced through my tight lips. I didn’t care anymore. I’d just committed emotional suicide.

  “How dare you upset my daughter again.”

  Eleanor startled. I didn’t react to the attack. Didn’t even try to look at where it came from. The only thing I noticed was Eleanor’s hand leaving me, breaking the contact.

  “I’m fine, Daddy.” She’d stood and made her way to her father, her body now a human barrier between him and me.

  I couldn’t just lie there like a wounded animal. I had to get away. My legs were shaky and I wasn’t sure they could carry me far. They’d have to. I moved away from father and daughter, never turning my back on Carrington Sr. That man wouldn’t play fair.

  “I’m leaving anyway,” I said when I’d reached the stoned path.

  “Wait, Cassie.” I wanted to break into a sprint and forget what I’d just done. I turned toward Eleanor. “Were you serious just now?”

  I wanted to tell her I’d just been pulling her chain, tell her I’d lost my mind for a minute or two, but that I was back to normal now and hell no, she wasn’t getting my son.

  But I didn’t. “I’ll talk to Josh.”

  “Thank you.” Eleanor was glowing now.

  Mr. Carrington swept his confused stare between the two of us. I rushed away from them, out of Rhodes House, into the Oxford streets. Alone.

  Like my first night in England, I wandered through Oxford. Unlike my first night, I didn’t pay any attention to what was around me. It didn’t even feel foreign to me anymore. I could have been walking on Mars, I wouldn’t have cared any less.

  How I made it back to my place? I didn’t remember. Lights were still on inside. I struggled to insert the key into the lock and open the door. Once I made it inside, I kicked my heals—Lola’s—away. Feeling my feet bare against the worn-out carpet brought me back to reality. That was when I saw lights flickering through the kitchen windows. Something—someone—was in the alley at the side of the house, between the garden and the street. If I’d been my normal self, I’d have gone out of the house and checked from the outside. I’d have called a neighbor, anything but marched straight through the kitchen and opened the door that led onto the alley.

  Luck was on my side. It wasn’t a burglar, or some psycho rapist. It was Sam. Sam pushing his bike along the alley towards the street, a large bag on his back. Sam who had gone under the radar for two days. Sam who was my only friend here.

  My legs betrayed me and I had to lean against the doorjamb to keep standing. The little energy I had left in me had just puffed away.

  “Don’t leave,” I begged.

  With the tip of his boot, he put down the kickstand of his bike. In two strides, he had taken hold of me. I crashed against his chest, my fists clenching his T-shirt, as if we were right in the middle of a tornado, and I was grabbing him for sheer life.

  “What happened, Kitten?” he whispered into my ear.

  I answered with a whimper. I couldn’t articulate the last hours. I couldn’t make sense of them. But whatever had happened, the result was a death sentence.

  “I gave Lucas away,” I mumbled against Sam’s chest. “I gave him away. Again.”

  His hands cradled my face and forced my head backward so that I had to look at him.

  “Why?”

  “They love each other… Josh and Eleanor, they do love each other. They’re the real thing. The real deal. They’ll last.”

  Anger flared in Sam’s eyes. “What do you care about those two? What matters is you and Lucas.”

  “It’s not. With them, Lucas can really start from scratch, with a dad and a mom. I know Josh. He’d go to the ends of the earth for his son.”

  “What about his girlfriend? She won’t like raising someone else’s kid.” Sam was trying hard to push his point.

  The more he did, the more I knew I’d made the right choice. “She promised me she’d love him like her own.” Again, I saw the truth in Eleanor’s eyes. “I trust her.” The movie of their life as a family played out in my mind. “They’ll stay together for the long run. Josh and I, we can’t even stay in the same room without arguing. They’ll have other kids and Lucas can have brothers and sisters.” Something else I’d never be able to give him.

  “So where does that leave you?”

  “Alone.” My voice broke. “So fucking alone.”

  “You’re not, Kitten.” His hands were now buried in my hair. His eyes burned through me. “I won’t let you down.”

  I shook my head.

  “I have to leave tonight,” he explained. “Family business. But I’m flying back to the U.S. I can come and see you once you’re back home. I don’t want you to deal with this shit on your own. I care for you, Cassie.”

  I was so floored by his promise that I didn’t react when his mouth took mine. His lips were warm and soft. I wanted them to heal me. So much. But they couldn’t because they weren’t the lips I craved.

  Somewhere close, I heard the sound of footsteps. I broke the kiss and turned toward the intruder.

  My stomach dropped. “Josh, what are you doing here?”

  He buried his hands in the pockets of his tuxedo. “So the two of you are more than roommates after all.”

  thirty-two

  Josh

  I didn’t want to see this.

  I couldn’t. The last time a guy locked lips with Cassie in front of me—on that day in December when she left Steep Hill to go “on tour”—I’d beaten him to a pulp. No doubt that roommate of hers was a worthier fighter than the rock god she’d fallen for before. Or pretended to.

  Whatever. Cassie always ended up fucking with my head. I didn’t want to go back to how I used to be. I’d better get the hell out of there before I let jealousy rule me again. But I wasn’t seventeen anymore. “Let’s talk about it over there.” I pointed at the street behind me and marched away from Cassie and her roommate. I reached the corner of her street when she caught with me.

  “Sam kissed me. I was very upset and he kissed me. That’s it. It never happened before.” She was breathless.

  Breathless and tinier than before. I looked down at her, my eyes following the soft curves of her body down to her... bare feet. What was she thinking? I’d have to carry her back home and make sure she wouldn’t step on any broken glass, or worse, a fucking needle. I started bending forward to grab her by the waist and throw her over my shoulder. I froze. Cassie’s wellbeing wasn’t my business anymore.

  “You do what you want, Cass. I guess your sex life is none of my business anymore. But for Lucas’s sake, show a little restraint.”

  She shuddered, either because of the chill in my voice or because she was still only wearing that skinny dress of hers. I fought against the urge to put the jacket of my tuxedo over her shoulders. Her cheeks wore the telltale signs of recent tears, but they turned red under my eyes.

  “It goes both ways, Champ. Next time, show some restraint when you feel like running after your ex-girlfriend or when you feel like kissing her.”

  What the hell!
r />   “You spied on me.”

  “I sure did.”

  She said that with her cute little chin lifted in a challenge, and I forgot about restraint and shit. Her lips had to be mine again. My hand shot to her neck, and I pulled her against me. She made a small noise that turned me on even more. My tongue was dancing with hers in seconds.

  I couldn’t have enough of that sweet taste of hers. It was like nothing else, no one else. Her taste was mine. I owned it. Right from the start, I’d owned it. I wanted the rest of her to be mine again. My free hand shifted under her dress and shot directly to her panties. My dick took on a life of its own at the feel of her skin. I ran a finger under the string of her thong and stretched it against her. She let out a soft moan.

  I groaned.

  I palmed her ass and lifted her against me. In a couple of strides, I moved away from the halo of light projected by a streetlamp into a small spot lost in the dark. The hand I’d kept around her neck descended along her front, reached for one of her breasts. It filled my palm perfectly so that nothing of it was left untouched. I massaged it, let it swell. The nipple hardened beneath my fingers.

  I needed more. I needed to be buried deep inside her, so deep that she couldn’t run away from me ever again. Because if she did, I’d—

  Her mouth broke the kiss. “Stop!”

  I couldn’t, so I hunted for her mouth.

  “Stop!” She managed to wriggle away from me.

  I let her. I was so buzzed with lust that my brain was working at half-speed.

  She pulled her skirt below her panty line. “We aren’t supposed to do that. It’s wrong.”

  That bit at my ego. I was about to come back to her with some shit about marital duty, but I shut my mouth. Too crass.

  “I’m sorry.” I waved my hands in apology instead. I was lying. Touching Cassie, kissing her, it always felt damn right. Maybe that was what was wrong.

  “Eleanor loves you. You love her. I heard you telling her so tonight.” Her voice broke.

  She’d heard everything. She’d heard nothing. There were so many different types of love. I now knew that much. “I love her, but it doesn’t matter anymore. We have to move on.”