No Reverse

by Marion Croslydon

  Cassie flinched, but she recovered quickly. “It does still matter and it makes a whole lot of difference.”

  It wasn’t Cassie’s style to speak in riddles. I had to make something crystal clear. “Whatever you heard tonight, it doesn’t change my commitment to Lucas.” Nothing could now.

  “What if you could have both?”

  I ran my hand through my hair. I wasn’t following. Cassie bridged the narrow space between us.

  “What if Lucas could have both? A mom and a dad who love each other, brothers and sisters.”

  Did Cassie want other kids? I’d always wanted a big family, but I wasn’t about to tell her that. She might never be able to get pregnant again.

  She looked at me and I saw the tears glistening in her eyes. That was when that lazy brain of mine kicked into gear.

  “You’re talking about Eleanor and me?”

  She didn’t react to my question.

  “You’re talking about Eleanor and me adopting Lucas.” That wasn’t a question anymore. I’d finally caught up. “having more kids together.”

  I was stunned. Like a robot, I walked to a small wall that bordered the front garden of one of the terraced houses in Cassie’s street. I sat on it, hunched forward, my elbows resting over my thighs.

  “Whatever you overheard tonight, Cass, it’s not… it wasn’t,” I stammered, “it wasn’t the whole picture.”

  She stood in front of me, her hands wringing in front of her. “I talked to Eleanor tonight. I’ve tried to hate her guts. Just to feel less guilty about ruining her life. But I can’t.”

  I looked up at Cassie. The color had faded from her face. I’d never seen her so pale, so serious. Almost tragic.

  “Eleanor is a loving person,” I agreed.

  “I understand what you see in her.” I saw Cassie swallowing hard. “She knows how to make you feel safe, how to make you feel confident.” All these things were true, but—. “She loves everything about you. That’s why she’ll love Lucas because he’s so much like you. Maybe you and Eleanor were meant to be. Maybe my visit here wasn’t so I could be with Lucas, but so I could bring you and Eleanor into his life.”

  Her hands clenched over her stomach as if all the tension in her body was gathering there.

  I fought against the lump forming in my throat. “But you’re his mom, Cassie.”

  “I carried Lucas inside me for nine months. I gave birth to him. But he doesn’t know it. He can’t understand what that means. He only knows me as a friend of his parents, one he sees from time to time. Jenna is the only mom he’s had.”

  “But she’s dead, Cassie. She’s dead, and it’s time for you to step up and build a life with our boy. The one you had to give up because you wanted the best for me, for him, for Mrs. O. The one you gave up because my father brainwashed you.”

  She stepped back and rubbed her finger under her nose. “I want to give Lucas what I never had. A real family. I am your past. Lenor is your future. The two of you will last. There’s so much damage between you and me… we can’t get over it. And then what? We’ll divorce and I’ll take Lucas with me. You’ll see him at vacation time, maybe a weekend here and there…””

  “I won’t let that happen.” This wasn’t the father I wanted to be. “I’ll help you get a nice place near me so that I can see him during the week. We’ll find a way, Cass. We’ll make it work. We don’t even need to get a divorce. We can just pretend—”

  “—Lucas deserves more than his parents playing at happy families. He deserves real, true love.”

  “We used to love each other like crazy. Maybe we can get some of that back.” Maybe it had never gone away. “Last night rocked my world. I can’t keep my eyes, my hands, my whole fucking body away from you.”

  “That’s lust, Josh, not love. You’ve had enough one-night stands to know the difference.”

  “This wasn’t a one-night stand. I know it. You know it.”

  But she’d already switched back to Lucas. “It doesn’t matter to me if Eleanor doesn’t share Lucas’s DNA. It doesn’t matter to her either.” Cassie straightened up. “Does it matter to you?”

  I shook my head. “Where does that leave us then?”

  “I’ll go back to Kansas City to be with Lucas until you’re finished here. If I stay close by, nothing bad can happen to him in that foster home.” She sounded as if she was trying to convince herself. “Once you’re there, we’ll sign the divorce papers and I’ll help you and Eleanor get to know him. After that…”

  “After that?” I was already feeling empty.

  “After that, I’ll get out of your lives… at least for a while. You’ll all need a clean start and I’ll make everything muddy if I stay in the picture.” She was forcing herself to make her voice sound bossy. But it was shaky.

  Maybe that could be the clean start Cassie needed too. Maybe she could finally have a chance to live her own life, go to Nashville and give her music a chance.

  When I finally stood, our bodies aligned, a few inches apart. I felt like a giant because she was so tiny. I didn’t want anyone else to take care of her. Certainly not her roommate. At the same time last night, I’d been about to sneak into her bedroom and spend the night holding her close to me. And more.

  She cut through my memories. “You should go back to your place.”

  I cleared my throat. “Let me carry you back home. You shouldn’t walk outside barefoot.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m fi—”

  I didn’t let her finish. I picked her up and cradled her in my arms. She wrapped hers around me. She closed her eyes and rested her face in the hollow of my neck. The walk back to her house was far too short. But I had to let her slide slowly out of my hold and land gently on her feet.

  “I’ll come and see you tomorrow before you leave,” I promised. “We can talk more.”

  “Each time we’re together, we end up making out.” Her fingers absently brushed the collar of my tuxedo. “Tomorrow, you must talk to Eleanor. She’ll be waiting for you. She’s already waiting for you.”

  Lenor would always be waiting for me. I wasn’t sure I deserved her to. I wasn’t sure I wanted her to.

  “So this is goodbye?”

  “Goodbye for now.” Cassie gave me a faint smile and stepped into her house.

  thirty-three

  Cassie.

  God I’d really missed Kansas.

  Years spent rambling on about “Nowheresville,” dreaming about the “Big Wide World Out There,” and I’d just been so freakin’ relieved when my plane landed back at Kansas City International Airport two weeks ago.

  My last day in England? I’d have to try hard to erase it from my memory. I’d locked myself in Sam’s house. Alone. Anything to keep from running to Josh, from telling him and Eleanor I’d changed my mind; that I was keeping my baby.

  I’d boarded the bus to London Heathrow, then my flight, without having gone back on my word. Woodie had been waiting for me at the airport. I’d crashed into his teddy-bear arms and cried like I had never cried before. For hours.

  “You’ve missed the turn, dear.”

  I switched back to the here and now, throwing a quick glance in the side mirror of the ancient Honda Civic.

  “Sorry, Mr. Guidi.”

  “Don’t worry. Just take the next one on the right. We should be able to make our way back to their road.”

  Mr. Guidi was the sweetest man I’d ever met. In an alternate reality, I’d like to imagine he’d met Gran when they were younger. They’d have made a lovely couple. But I shook myself and took the right-hand turn. Gran was dead and Mr. Guidi was a widower whose only daughter had died in a car crash one month ago.

  Lucas was the only family he had left. And, like me, the old man was getting ready to let him go.

  I stopped Mr. Guidi’s car in front of a well-kept house on Grand Avenue. We both peered through the car window, checking the small front yard with toys scattered everywhere. We had visited the place every day since I came bac
k. Lucas’s foster home was a massive upgrade from the ones I’d lived in until Gran rescued me.

  Still, I clutched the steering wheel with my clammy palms. I hated seeing him there. The Sorensons kept the house clean and everything followed a routine: playtime, bath time, bed time. Lucas was safe, but by the way he ran to me each time I got out of the car, the way he snuggled against me and held my hand tightly… I knew he missed cuddle time.

  “You’re going to get through this, dear. Once we’re done here today, we’ll go back to my place and I’ll make you a nice cup of cocoa.” Mr. Guidi patted my knee as if I was the five-year old.

  Since I returned to Kansas, I’d been staying at Mr. Guidi’s house. He was the only one who understood how I felt, how I grieved. Unfortunately, after this, I was going straight to a law firm downtown. Because today, we were starting the divorce proceedings.

  “Is the young man over there the infamous Josh MacBride?”

  Mr. Guidi stared toward the street corner. I leaned forward to check through the windshield. I squinted against the sun.

  My heart stalled, then sprinted. I swallowed three times in a row. Yep, it was Josh standing out there. My fingers wriggled around the steering wheel. It wasn’t fair for any single human being to wreck my mind and my heart each time I laid my eyes on him. It was so goddamn unfair. He wore what I’d seen him wearing at that party back in Oxford. Clean-cut, pale blue shirt, well-pressed slacks, and his expensive sneakers. I stared down at my skinny legs stuck in century-old boots. Not a good match at all.

  “That’s him,” I answered Mr. Guidi.

  “He’s on time.”

  “Josh is always on time.”

  “Courage, sweetie pie. You’re going to see this through.” Mr. Guidi unfastened his seatbelt.

  I did the same and jumped out of the Honda to open the door for him. The poor man had grown weaker since the last time I’d seen him, before my trip to England. I took his arm and helped him out of the car. Then together, with his hand holding onto my elbow, we walked toward Josh who stared at me. I couldn’t hold his gaze.

  “Good afternoon, Mr. Guidi. I’m Joshua MacBride.” Josh extended his hand towards Lucas’s grandfather. The sound of his voice warmed me. How could I survive without hearing it ever again?

  Mr. Guidi unclasped his hand from my arm to greet Josh. “Nice to meet you, son. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  Josh stole a glance at me, his eyebrows arched. I chose to focus on the tips of my boots instead.

  “I’ll give the two of you some privacy before we see Lucas.”

  I was reluctant to let Mr. Guidi walk away. First, because his legs didn’t look like they could carry him that far. Second, because being alone with Josh could trigger a panic-slash-lust attack. My emotions twirled around right beneath my skin.

  I had to try to be in control. “Where’s Eleanor?”

  “In France.”

  “What the fuck, Josh?” I cursed myself for swearing. I’d been so good at talking prim and proper lately. “Sorry… But what the hell is she going on vacation when she promised to be here?”

  She’d said so in a long voice mail and email and text.

  Josh’s hand reached for my elbow and I flinched. “Trust me. It’s no vacation. She’s very upset about missing this, but some bad stuff happened with her family.”

  “I thought Lucas was her family now,” I charged.

  “Her parents are getting a divorce.” Josh cleared his throat. “Her mother has a long history of substance abuse. It took a turn for the worse early this week and Eleanor joined her in France to check her into rehab. Lenor is an only child. If she doesn’t care for her mom now, nobody else will.”

  “Oh.” I took my anger down a notch because I felt guilty for the outburst. “Well, I hope things get better.”

  “She’ll fly out as soon as her mother’s safe. Thanks, Cass.” His voice trailed on my name. He pointed his thumb toward the Sorensons’ house. “Are you ready for this?”

  No. “That’s what we agreed. Having me and Mr. Guidi around when Lucas meets you for the first time.”

  I passed him and joined Mr. Guidi then rang the bell. Nothing. I rang it again. Finally, Mrs. Sorenson answered, a stick-thin woman. “You’re on time.”

  I felt Josh stiffen behind me.

  “Thanks for letting us see Lucas. We really appreciate it.” Around Mrs. Sorenson, I always went into full-on ass-kissing mode. I didn’t want to piss her off in case she’d get pissed-off with Lucas as soon I turned my back on her.

  “As long as Social Services are okay with it and the grandfather is there...”

  After giving Josh the once-over, she slipped back inside the house. I took it as a sign we were allowed to follow her.

  “He just got back from pre-school. He’s playing in the backyard.”

  The four of us stood in the middle of a plain living room whose center piece was a giant flat-screen TV. Some reality TV show provided the background noise. I knew the way to the backyard.

  “Can we go through the kitchen?” I asked.

  Mrs. Sorenson flopped onto the coach. She waved us through.

  “Such a lovely soul.” I heard Mr. Guidi mutter under his breath.

  Without looking back, I hurried out of the room, through the adjoining kitchen and into the yard.

  He was there, in the afternoon sun, sitting on the still swing, his little hands clenched around the ropes, his eyes lost in a place that I knew was lonely. As with every time I saw him, love burst forth from every cell in my body. I wanted to run and grab him to my chest and smother him under kisses and cuddles. I steadied my breathing instead.

  Josh joined my side. I didn’t turn toward him. I couldn’t. I was already so aware of him, of his arm brushing against mine. While the world around us turned silent, I heard his breathing rushing through his mouth. I felt his fingers slowly lacing with mine.

  Lucas returned from his daydreaming.

  “Cassie!” he squealed and ran with his chubby arms extended toward me. “You’re back!”

  It was like the backyard had shaped itself into a triangle with Josh, Lucas and me at each point, with nothing else existing outside it. I broke contact with Josh to catch Lucas. We twirled around, his legs and arms winding around me like a cute monkey. “I told you I’d come back.”

  As I always did, the tip of my nose nuzzled against his dark, thick hair, then the hollow of his neck. I breathed him in.

  “And Grandpa’s here too!” More squealing, then his mouth slopped against my cheek in a wet kiss. I placed him back on the grass and squatted down to his level.

  “I’ve brought a friend with me.” I looked up at Josh and he got my silent message to kneel next to me. “His name is Josh.”

  “Hi, Lucas.” I could hear the lump in Josh’s throat. “I’m glad to finally meet you. Cassie told me so much about you.”

  My eyes ping-ponged between the two and I almost fell on my knees. They were identical. From the stubborn way their hair parted in the middle, to their hazelnut eyes, to the dimples at the corners of their mouths. It was like my genes had been totally overruled by Josh’s DNA.

  Lucas went all shy and nestled against me.

  “Don’t be afraid, Champ, Josh has come to play ball with you. He used to be a quarterback at school. Just like your daddy.”

  Josh’s gaze left Lucas and drilled through me. His lips were slightly apart, as if he’d just had the biggest surprise. He recovered and, when he talked to Lucas again, he sounded cheerful. “You like football, Champ?”

  My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. Early on, I’d started calling Lucas by the nickname I’d used for Josh. Maybe it was wrong but, quite frankly, I’d made so many mistakes… I’d never expected that Josh would find that one out.

  “I do, I do!” Lucas clapped his hands. “Cassie got me a Chiefs ball. My daddy loves the Chiefs.”

  Lucas’s eyes were now so full of expectation, it floored me. He wanted us to say that his daddy would be
back soon and play ball again with him. I couldn’t say anything like that and my brain went blank.

  Josh came to my rescue. “What about you show it to me so that I can teach you a few tricks?”

  Lucas sent me a silent question and I answered, “It’s fine, Champ. Josh is cool.” My tummy fluttered under Josh’s grateful gaze. “I’m sure you’re going to like him very much.”

  And since half of my DNA was in that little boy, he wouldn’t resist Josh for very long.

  Josh stood and offered his hand to Lucas, who took it after one last glance at me. I could have sworn Josh skipped a breath. Slowly, they walked to the other side of the yard where the ball I’d given to Lucas before flying to England was waiting to be played with.

  “They look exactly the same.”

  I jumped. Mr. Guidi was next to me. I smiled at him, a bit guilty that I’d forgotten all about him.

  “I hope Lucas got Josh’s sharp brain too. It will take him far.”

  For a minute, the old man didn’t say more and then, “Your brain does function very well, dear. So does your heart.”

  It was kind of him to say that but, if my brain functioned well, it still wasn’t Josh’s finely tuned machine.

  “You shouldn’t be standing. Let me get you something to sit on.”

  Mr. Guidi waved at me, but his shoulders were stooped and I didn’t trust his knees any more than I had before we got into the house. I grabbed one of the worn-out outdoor chairs leaning against the shed and helped him settle onto it. There was a tiny corner of the garden that had some shade. Lucas wasn’t throwing as much as dropping the ball in Josh’s direction. And “direction” was maybe a bit too precise.

  My boy was so cute. Not yet NFL material, but cute.

  I sat cross-legged on the grass at the foot of Mr. Guidi’s chair. We kept each other company without exchanging another word. No awkward silences, just happiness for both of us. You didn’t pass on happiness like that. You swam through it for as long as you could because you never knew when an undercurrent would come along and carry you away.

  Like it, hate it, such is life.