Pure Punishment

by T. L Smith

  “It can’t be right,” I say and watch as the doctor talks some crap and then directs my vision to the television screen. I watch as a girl that’s dressed like me, and even looks like me tries to sweet talk Kai. I watch as she hits on him, trying to get what I want and most of all. I watch his reaction to her. This can't be me, I don’t talk like her or act like her.

  They must have it wrong.

  It has to be wrong.

  “Who is this?” I ask, facing Kai. His face looks pained, but I need the answers.

  “Her name is Kayla and I actually met her before you.”

  “And what, you befriended me because you wanted her?” I ask, pointing to the girl that looks just like me.

  “Kristy, think! Are you tired in the morning? Experiencing loss of memory? Do you ever have people suggesting they’ve seen you and you haven’t seen them before?”

  I think about it and yes, I’m tired in the mornings. What college student isn’t? Bianca spoke to me like she’d seen me dress provocatively and was a slut. I had no idea what she was talking about. But when I look at the girl up in the frozen television, I see it… it’s me, but it’s not me.

  “I know it’s a shock, Kristy, but I can help you. There’s a reason this has happened to you and I want to help resolve this for the both of you.”

  “Kai, why did you give up that case?” I ask, thinking back to the case he just recently ended because the girl was getting help.

  “You don’t need to know,” he says, facing away from me.

  “If it has nothing to do with me, I agree. Does it have to do with me?” He looks at me and then at the doctor and then back to me.

  “Yes.”

  “Is she a bad person? Does that make me a bad person?” I ask, turning back to the doctor.

  “You’re not a bad person. You are far from it,” Kai says, grabbing my hand.

  “How could this be happening to me?” I ask, turning back to the doctor, wanting answers that I’m still not sure about.

  “Multiple personalities are usually caused by childhood trauma.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense. The only thing that has happened to me is that I lost my parents,” I say, shaking my head, and then I remember the daydreams… the bad daydreams.

  “Alters are created to help you deal with it. In your case, Kristy, Kayla was created.”

  “There are other ways to bring alters out, Kristy. Usually, there’s a trigger and in time we can figure out what that trigger is.”

  I look at him, baffled.

  Trigger? What the hell is a trigger?

  “Kristy, I’m sorry I have to do this,” Kai says, grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze before he lets go. “Doc, is your camera going?”

  The doctor nods his head and Kai opens his mouth. The song he starts to sing reminds me of things and the memories are too painful. I can’t handle it.

  “Kai stop, you're hurting me,” I say in between heavy breaths.

  He doesn’t stop though, he continues, “Three, four – you better open your door.”

  His hands are on me, I don’t know why. Why are his hands all over me? I tell him to stop and he gives me a look that tells me I better keep quiet. I don’t want to, but I know I have to.

  My eyes snap open and I look around the room. A man is sitting in front of me and Kai is by my side. My mouth curves upwards and I edge myself closer to him.

  “So, you sang to her.” I smile at him and he looks hurt and angry at me. I turn to the man across from me. He looks shocked at first, but he changes his expression quickly.

  “I guess you’re the good doctor?” I say, standing and walking toward him. He’s good because he doesn’t flinch or react to me in the slightest.

  “Yes, and I assume you’re Kayla? It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” he says, holding out his hand. I look to it, but don’t take it. I resume my seat next to Kai.

  “How’s our girl holding up on this fine day? I must say Kai, I’m surprised you listened. You know she won’t be happy. I’m guessing she’ll leave you. But don’t worry, I can always bring her back,” I say with a wink.

  “Kayla, can I ask you a question” the good doctor asks me. I nod my head for him to continue. “Why do you feel the need to protect?”

  “Because I fucking can. I know what happens when adults don’t protect. I will make it all right, you fucking watch me.”

  “Do you take enjoyment from it?”

  “You mean does the blood that comes from their arteries entice me? Or do you mean the way they scream for me to stop when they don’t deserve it?”

  I look to either side of me and see shocked expressions.

  Why are they looking at me like that?

  “What’s wrong?” I ask. Then I remember the song and inch myself away from Kai.

  “I’m sorry, Kristy, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” his voice is so soft, it’s barely audible. I automatically accept his apology and let him take hold of my hand.

  “I want you to watch something,” the now quiet doctor says. He presses a few buttons on his remote and what I see shocks me. It’s me, clawing at myself. Then, all of sudden, I smile. But those words leaving my mouth aren’t me, they can’t be.

  “I had to show you more, you needed to see. Plus, she wanted me to as well.”

  I don’t answer him and watch her, her body language is different from mine. It seems her speech is as well. Her accent is thicker, but we are in the same clothes, in the same position I’m in right now.

  How is this even possible?

  Then she talks about protecting. Is that what she does? Then the last part, the talk of blood, makes me break out in cold shivers.

  I sit there shocked, still trying to work it out. The doctor asks Kai to leave and he squeezes my hand as he stands and walks out. I watch him retreating and wonder what I’m to do. How am I meant to deal with something like this?

  “Kristy, I need to ask you something. I know it will seem odd, but I think it could help you.” He puts his notepad down and crosses his legs. He rubs his temples and then looks back at me.

  “I was only here for a short time doing a study. I’ve finished that study and I have to go back to my office in New York. Now, I don’t want you to worry; though, I would prefer it if you came with me, I believe I can still help you. It will take a lot of time and therapy, but I’ve had great results. We will have psychotherapy sessions twice a week and, during that time, I will meet your alter. We encourage your alter and you to come together, so we can start to address the main problem and issues. Sometimes, we also use hypnosis.”

  I nod my head, trying to process all that is going on. How am I meant to deal with this?

  “Can I let you know?” I ask. He nods his head and gives me his personal cell phone number so I can call him with my decision. I walk out from his office more confused than when I walked in, but standing outside waiting for me is someone who confuses me even more. Kai.

  Scientists have discovered that men and women’s brains react differently to pain, which explains why they may perceive or discuss pain differently.

  Kai still didn’t say much after we left the office yesterday. He made me lunch and told me not to leave for my dorm just yet. I gave him that much, since all he’s done for me hasn’t been easy. He came back last night and made us both dinner. He didn’t stay to eat it, but came to make sure I ate and he kissed my forehead before he left.

  I wake and find Kai sitting on the end of his bed, holding his head between his hands. I look at him and wonder why he’s wasting his time with a girl like me? I sit up and he turns to look at me. I’ve made up my mind and I know I have to tell him. I need to get better. I need to be me. Just me.

  I rang Dr. Walker yesterday and he told me there’s a spot available at his clinic where he has patients like me. We have our own separate rooms and we do daily activities. There are a few that I can afford now. I even rang my grandmother and I found out that she knew. Somehow, I knew she knew. She told me Kay
la made an appearance when I was a child and she told me that there was a trigger. It was the song. She said my mother used to sing that song. My mother was a schizophrenic something or other, which I also didn’t know. I knew she was a bit wild, though that’s as much as I knew.

  “Kai, I’m leaving,” I blurt out. I want to slap my head for my word vomit.

  “I still want to see you,” he says.

  Shit! He thinks I’m going back to my dorm.

  “I won’t be able to see you for some time,” I tell him. How do I tell him? He’s the first person to crack my walls.

  “I’m moving away, Kai, because I need help. I can’t live with myself knowing I could flip anytime and hurt someone. I might not have any memory of it, but it hurts knowing about it.”

  “What are you talking about, Kristy?” He has completely turned to face me now. I look at his face and I don’t think I will ever forget it. His long eyelashes, his beautiful dark eyes, and the dimples that hide and only appear when he smiles at me.

  “Doctor Walker has a clinic away from here and I’m going. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone for. I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me and I hope one day I can repay you.”

  “You can’t leave. We can get you help here,” he says, grabbing my face. His own face is scrunched up in pain.

  “I can’t stay, Kai, I have to go.”

  “When are you leaving?” he asks, sounding sad. I want to make him happy, but I have to deal with myself first.

  “Today.”

  “Today? Today? You can’t leave today. That’s just stupid, Nani. I only just found you.” He shakes his head like he’s trying to rid himself of my words, but it doesn’t work.

  “I want a coffee,” I say to change the subject. He looks at me and shakes his head. He does that a lot around me; I guess I am hard to figure out.

  “Coffee it is,” he says. I stand up and get dressed as he walks out.

  Kai has held my hand the entire drive, like he’s afraid I will run the first chance I get. I know it’s hurting him, but it has to be done. We walk in and I spot Tyke sitting in his usual spot. He looks at me, then to Kai, and if looks could kill, I’m pretty sure Kai would be dead. I tell Kai what I want and that I’m going to sit. I walk to Tyke and sit across from him. His beautiful lips curve into a deadly smile.

  “I’m leaving,” I tell him. I’m not sure why he had to know, I just know that I had to tell him.

  “Where to? And why?” he asks, not moving, just looking at me.

  “I’m sick, I need help,” I reply and cast my eyes down.

  “So, you have met Kayla, then?” My eyes shoot up to him and I watch as he smirks. I forgot he knocked on my door that first night, asking for a girl by that name.

  “Yes.”

  “She’s quite a wild one, that one. I will miss her. I will miss you more, though.” He reaches across and grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. I let him and look up at Kai, who’s giving me an odd look.

  “How did you know her?” I ask, wanting to know. He grins and I’m suddenly afraid of what he might say.

  “You could say we did business together. She needed jobs, which I supplied.”

  “You're not talking about the murders, are you?” His smile has gone cold. This handsome man is not a good one.

  “She needed an outlet and I gave her one.”

  “How could you do that?” I ask, pulling my hand free and sinking into a chair.

  “I will miss you, Kristy, more than you realize,” he states, standing up and leaving. I watch as he retreats and wonder how Kayla got tangled up with him.

  Is that the reason why he pursued me, because I was a challenge?

  “Who were you talking to?” Kai stands in front of me and hands me a coffee.

  “Tyke,” I say, still shaken up about what happened.

  “Kristy, I need you to look at me.” My eyes reach his and he’s leaning down in front of me. “Nani, you were sitting here talking to yourself. You do realize no one was sitting there, right?” he says, pointing to the chair that was occupied by Tyke.

  “You didn’t see him?” I ask with creased brows. I look outside and see Tyke as he crosses the road. He looks at me and winks before he walks off. A shiver breaks out over me and I look back to see Kai staring at me intensely.

  “I was watching you, I’m always watching you. I’ve seen you a few times in here before, eating and talking to no one. I just never thought anything of it. Though today, I watched you closer. No one was sitting there, Kristy. It was just you.”

  “You’re lying,” I tell him, my face hardening. How can he say that? How could he not see him?

  “You need to tell Doctor Walker,” he says, standing and taking a seat opposite me.

  “Tell him what? That you don’t believe me?” I snap back.

  “When you first told me about him, I looked him up at work. There’s no one by that name living in this state. And there’s no one that’s in the police force anywhere with his name.”

  “Why would you research him?”

  “Because you’ve mentioned him before and I don’t want anyone around you I don’t trust.”

  “Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

  “I will always worry about you.” His face softens and he sounds hurt.

  We end up leaving the coffee house and driving back to his house. I start to pack my things and text Julia that I’m leaving. I told her I would call when I’m settled in and she threatens me if I don’t. I don’t know what to say to Kai. I don’t know what to make of Tyke. It’s just all too much for my mind to handle. I walk out of the bedroom as the cabbie sounds the horn and see Kai talking on his cell in a serious, but quiet voice. He raises his head when he sees me and says his goodbyes before he hangs up his cell.

  “You’re going now?” he asks, stepping closer. I nod my head and look to the door.

  “Can I call? Visit?” he asks.

  “I will call you once I know more. I don’t even know everything myself yet.” His head drops and he takes another step closer, his arms envelop me and I let him. I hug him back, his head drops to mine and I hear his sharp intake of breath.

  “I can’t let you go,” he murmurs into my hair. I don’t say anything because it’s too hard to talk. I will miss him, so much it’s already starting to hurt.

  “Fuck it, you’re not going. I’m not letting you leave me,” he says stepping back and grabbing my bag. I pull it back and put it to my chest.

  “I have to,” I reply in a small voice, not looking up to see his eyes. They will haunt me, of that I’m sure.

  “Tell me you will call?” he demands, tipping my head up, so I meet his eyes. I nod my head. “Tell me, Nani?”

  I don’t want to make any promises that I may not be able to keep and I don’t want to hurt him more than I am.

  “I will call you,” I don’t say when, that’s the only way I can get away with telling him that. He leans in and kisses me on my lips, soft and passionate, but not sexual. I will miss his kisses.

  I walk to the cab, feeling his eyes on me watching as I go. He doesn’t wave or say goodbye, he just watches.

  It goes to follow… lack of sleep may actually hurt your ability to create new memories.

  The years have been hard, so hard that sometimes I would rock myself to sleep. The memories still haunt me in my sleep, in the form of nightmares of my father. Doctor Walker helped. He helped so much that I remember every detail that I had blocked out. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. I tried harming myself on more than one occasion when the memories would come back. I understand completely why I had to be in that facility. It was not just to help me, but to protect me from myself and possibly to protect others. I’ve been living by myself for two months now, working at a local coffee shop and seeing how I do with functioning as a real person.

  It has gone well. Tyke, well, he was never real. He was something I hallucinated. It took me a while to come to terms
with that. He played a role in both my life and my alter’s. For me, it was something new and exciting and for her it was a way to do what she wanted. There were a lot of doctor’s terms that flew straight over my head at the time, but eventually I was able to come to grips with it all.

  Kayla is a part of me, she is me. She may not come to life anymore, but I feel her inside of me, giving me strength when I need it. I haven’t spoken to Kai since I left. I know I said I would call him, but I never did. There were many times I wanted to just hear his voice. Hear him tell me that I can do it or swear at me and tell me to get my ass back to him. I think if I heard his words, I would have. I know I would have in those bad times. When my heart would break, I would have gone to him and asked him to fix my wounds, to make me better. He is someone I know can do that.

  I still speak with Julia and I think she will always be my friend. She’s in a relationship with Jimmy the bouncer and is currently getting ready for her trip to Bangkok for her final surgery. As I enter my small apartment in New York, my cell starts to ring.

  What do they say? Speak of the devil and she appears?

  “Hello.”

  “Hey Sugar, I want you to come home for the weekend. Jimmy is going to propose and I want you here with me to celebrate.” I laugh at her. She tries every move in the book to try to get me to come home.

  “Are you sure this time?” I ask as I unlock my apartment door and enter. It’s very small. My kitchen is basic with a sink, just enough room for my fridge and little cupboard space. My bedroom is open. I don’t have a living room, so my bedroom is basically the living room.

  “Oh my God, I found it this time. I found the friggin’ thing, it’s huge. Just what I like and he asked me to invite some friends over tomorrow night. So you need to get on that plane, now,” she screeches the last part. I pull the cell away from my ear and smirk. Then my smile falls when I think there’s a possibility I may see him.

  “Okay, I’ll look for a flight.”

  “No need, I booked you one. Get your ass to the airport, your plane leaves in three hours.”