What is the Matter with Mary Jane?

by Wendy Harmer

  With love for Princess Sancia

  and her very own ‘happily ever after’.

  FIRST PRODUCTION

  What is the Matter with Mary Jane? was first produced by the Sydney Theatre Company and New Stages at the Wharf 2, March 2 1995.

  Written by Wendy Harmer with Sancia Robinson

  Directed by Wendy Harmer

  Story by and starring Sancia Robinson

  Designed by Daniel Tobin

  Lighting designed by John Comeadow

  INTRODUCTION

  Voice-over:

  What is the matter with Mary Jane?

  She’s crying with all her might and main

  And she won’t eat her dinner,

  Rice pudding again,

  What is the matter with Mary Jane?

  SANCIA creeps onto a darkened stage towards a fridge/pantry nervously, checking she is alone. Ever so quietly she opens the fridge and is bathed in its light. She quietly plucks out a block of chocolate and—leaving the fridge open—takes the chocolate to the table where she studies it adoringly. She opens the packet and breaks off a row. She is about to eat it when she reconsiders and breaks the row in half. She’s about to pop the smaller piece into her mouth when she re-reconsiders. She breaks that in half. Again, as she’s about to eat it she stops herself and breaks it into a minute piece and lovingly slides it into her mouth. Just as she begins to savour the enjoyment, she ‘sees’ the audience and is mortified to have been sprung.

  SANCIA: Oh… Hi… [She looks at the chocolate.] Chocolate… ah don’t know what that’s doing there—I don’t eat chocolate—erghhh—who?—I’ll just put that [Puts it back in cupboard] Ah—yeah must have been my mum—because—yeah—not me—not me and chocolate. [Then… she looks at audience and is embarrassed like a 16 year old would be…] So—ah hello—hi—yes—hi, my name is Sancia Robinson, and ah—I am 16 years old and [Quickly] I know I am too fat to be out in public—sorry—sorry. Anyway I’m… I’m pleased to meet you… well I’m not really. Because I know you’re looking at me thinking, ‘Boy what a fat pig… she could sure lose a few kilos… like fifty’ and you’re right!

  You’re absolutely right… I busted the zip on my shorts this morning… and I’ve had those shorts for six years! They’re my favourite shorts. Now they’re just like a skin on a bratwurst sausage.

  My mum’s trying to tell me it’s OK… like I’m meant to be growing. Growing into what Mum? A mutant baked bean?

  My whole body is just exploding… I look like an enormous battered sav [as in saveloy].

  Look at my bum. I have a huge bottom… go on… look at it… bean bag bum… Back of a bus bum. Chubby bum… Excuse me Miss Robinson, is that your bum or a whopping big bag of Cheezels inside your jeans?

  ‘Never Miss the Seat Sance’ they call me.

  In fact, there’s only one thing in the world more humungous than my bum and that’s my stomach… have a look at this… paunchy, pudgy, roly poly, tubby gut. Spud gut. Old blubber belly. Bag of jelly bean belly.

  Have another chocolate biscuit Sance… why not? You already look like a Wagon Wheel… Miss Biscuit Barrel. Miss Monte Carlo. Princess Caramel Crown. Scone head… hot buttered scone head… with two raisins for eyes.

  Check me out… probably the first time you’ve ever met anyone with Chiko Roll arms, fish fingers and potato wedge legs. You are what you eat Sance… and your body is a bag of junk. I’ve got the brain of a chicken nugget.

  Two all beef legs,

  no neck

  huge boobs

  fat cheeks

  All on a sesame seed bum.

  I’m sorry… what did you say your name was again?

  * * *

  Hello and welcome to the show… my name is Sancia Robinson and I am 30 years old and I know I am not too fat to be in public.

  She smiles.

  When I was a little girl I wanted to be a princess… like most little girls, I guess. Standing at the parapet in my silver gown, diamond tiara, my golden locks ruffled by the breeze…

  Snow White, Rose Red, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel… I loved those stories. They were ethereal, tortured beauties… angst ridden, falling about in dead faints, locked in towers. I loved them.

  I mean, how was I to know they were a bunch of neurotic co-dependents with self esteem problems and eating disorders? You have to remember this was back in the days when you couldn’t even imagine a Princess using a toilet, let alone vomiting her dinner down one.

  I mean, obviously you cannot have a normal life living in a tower. You try ordering a pizza and telling the delivery guy he has to climb up your hair.

  She mimes pulling up her hair and opening a pizza box.

  I hate pineapple!

  Alas and alack… there were no stories about plump post-adolescent princesses.

  And no wonder… in fairy tales, even the apples are poisoned!

  It was at the age of 16 I could see I was in grave danger of turning into a fairly ordinary common fat frog. Fortunately for me I also realised if I couldn’t control the rest of my life… there was one Magic Kingdom of which I was sole ruler. My body.

  Happily it was also at the age of 16 I realised I was brilliant at losing weight. I was already a good student. I got top marks in pure and applied maths; physics; chemistry and English. But if dieting was a subject I would have topped the State.

  I was an absolute genius! Zoom, zoom, zoom! Watch those kilos go! How did I do it? Everyone at school wanted to know.

  If you wanted to know about physics you went to Bag Lady Griffiths; English… Rollerball Wilson… but if you required information about the calorie content of a vegemite sandwich, no butter no crust… you came to Sance.

  What are you going to be when you grow up Sance?

  Hmmm. I can’t decide between Tony Ferguson… or Jenny Craig.

  Hi… you know, I used to be the size of a pineapple before I went to Jenny Craig.

  My mother and father were always telling me what to do.

  Nobody noticed me at school.

  I had no life of my own.

  I was just ordinary.

  And then I lost weight.

  Now I am the size of a pea and life is wonderful!

  Thanks Jenny!

  I was the patron Saint of Dieters at our school—in fact I could have worked out a diet for Mother Teresa…

  SANCIA assumes role of MD who is treating a visiting Mother Teresa.

  Well hello Mother Teresa—lovely to meet you—so you want to lose a few kilos after those Christmas parties, yes, I can imagine they would go off with Jesus hosting—well I can see you are hiding some pretty serious wads of fat under that gorgeous habit. Now… [She pulls out her iPhone and starts punching in numbers.] How heavy are you? 45 kilos. And how tall? 120 centimetres. Hmmmm we’ll need to lose quite a few kilos especially round that waist. [Pokes Mother Teresa’s waist] So I want you to download Sance’s Fitness Ap—have you got an iPhone or are you still a bit povo? Oh great—you have to try this—Gandhi loves it—how do you think he took off all that weight? [Mother Teresa fusses with iPhone.] OK so go the App store… press in your password… [SANCIA gets impatient.] Is it ‘Jesus’? Here use my phone for the moment. So press enter—and let’s get you on a 600-calorie a day regime. That should bust that gut big time… great—now tell me—exercise—I know you did do a lot of running around after all those lepers. [Mother Teresa talks.] OK you don’t do that anymore—is there a gym in Heaven? Do you have a door? Because if you gotta door—you gotta gym! All ya gotta do is attach this hook to the… Oh right—you don’t even have a house… no problem, OK—OK then, well rather than using holy levitation or however you get around make sure you climb the celestia
l stairs—and come and see me next week and I’ll check your progress.

  SANCIA looks off into space.

  Ah Dr Robinson, you have such strength, such discipline. You are an inspiration to us all. [SANCIA looks to audience again.] And I was! I could feel it, especially at lunchtime which was my favourite part of the day… but probably not for the reasons you think.

  ‘Oh, phew, half an apple! I think it will be a bit much for me!’

  While the other girls around me were stuffing their fat faces with bags of Twisties, pies, sausage rolls.

  ‘Anyone want this last bit of vegemite sandwich… I just couldn’t eat another bite… sigh.’

  And the regal, blue-blooded slender Princess Sancia, (who was still a bit chubby but would very soon be sooooo skinny with long blonde hair and very long legs) fell into a swoon… the wind blowing her hair into a thousand brave and dazzling threads. I read that in a Judith Krantz novel… good hey?

  Well you might not be impressed… but the girls definitely were.

  ‘Oh my God Sancia… you are so thin. You lucky thing. Look at your arms… they dip in at the top—just like celebrities do—they just go straight down… and your waist… hey everyone, come and look at Sancia’s waist… it’s teeny… it’s minute… you must be smaller than nothing, less than nothing! What size are you? You must be like a size nothing. God I wish I could be skinny like you Sancia.’

  Oh come on… I’m not skinny… I could still do with losing a few kilos…

  ‘No way mate… no… you look just perfect… anything thinner and you would look like… weird…like full on weird like those chicks in the ‘Gone Too Far!’ pages in the trash mags.’

  No really… because, when I am skinny…

  IN THE MIRROR

  When I am skinny…

  I’ll laugh all the time

  I’ll be very cool

  I’ll be in the magazines

  And look good at the pool

  The sun will be shining

  I’ll drive a fast car

  I’ll meet Justin Timberlake

  I’ll be a star.

  My eyes will be sparkling

  My arms will be brown

  My legs will be long

  I’ll wear a silk gown

  I’ll have loads of friends

  I’ll never be wrong

  I’ll be healthy and wealthy

  Wise and strong.

  I’ll always be kind

  I’ll always be nice

  I’ll always be good

  I’ll only eat rice.

  I’ll jog every morning

  And run every night

  I’ll be light as a feather

  As high as a kite.

  I’ll only drink water

  I’ll live on fresh air

  I’ll float through the heavens

  With the moon in my hair.

  SANCIA stumbles and nearly faints.

  Oh God… I think I’m starting to hallucinate.

  I must be hungry. When did I last eat?

  SANCIA becomes a New Age Diet Specialist.

  Oh well… only three hours to tea time.

  Dieting is divine…

  Not only is it the way to a fabulous body… but it’s also a miracle cure for everything else that’s wrong in your miserable little life.

  If you fight with your Mum… you think about lunch.

  Hate you brother… how much do I weigh?

  Can’t do your maths… why did I eat that?

  Disagree with your teacher… what did I have for breakfast?

  No tears, no pain… everything under control… and… looking good.

  AT THE TABLE

  OK… Sanc… what did you have to eat today? One piece of toast, one egg, skim milk for breakfast… 180… let’s make that 200 calories… half an apple at lunch, two Ryvitas after school… about 400 calories.

  Right… now I know I said we could have 800 calories today, but if you can get it down to 700 you will have dropped a whole size by the end of the week.

  So… I want you to remember that before you sit down… and remember be careful.

  Sancia’s mother enters and SANCIA follows her like a hawk as she puts a plate down.

  [To Mum] Thanks Mum… what is this?

  Is this sole fish? [To audience] Great… that’s got less calories. [To Mum] And did you weigh it? Is it 100 grams? [To audience] I bet it isn’t. Because it looks like more than 100 grams to me… I’ll just cut the end off… yeah, that looks like 100 grams now.

  [To Mum] And you grilled it? And you used oil spray? Just one spray? [To audience] She used oil… looks like oil. [To Mum] Did you really use one spray? Thank you, thank you.

  [To Mum] What’s this? Eggplant? [To audience] What’s she got eggplant on here for? [To audience] How many calories has eggplant got? I think it’s got 36. [To Mum] Mum how much did this eggplant weigh? [To audience] Ugh. Why didn’t she weigh it? I’m not going to eat that, now I’m in a bad mood… why did she do that to me? [To Mum] No, I’ll just leave the eggplant, I don’t like it. No, I don’t want something else. [To audience] That’ll teach her.

  God, now I’ll be really hungry. I can’t eat the fish, because this plate’s got oil on it. Carrots, that’s OK… [Tastes carrot] wow that’s really sweet, she’s put sugar in this. [To Mum] Mum, did you put sugar in the carrots? [To audience] No sugar… these are really nice. [To Mum] Yeah, I will have some more carrots. No, no, that’s enough… can you take the eggplant away?

  No, I only want to eat the foods I wrote on the list… what did I write on that list? I wrote… beans, cabbage, carrots, cucumber, tomatoes, lettuce and fish… there is enough variety in there for me to get all the nutrition I need. Why did you buy me eggplant? No, I don’t want lemon juice. [To audience] That’s seven more calories.

  [To audience] Do you believe this? She knows I have a bit of a problem with food at the moment, so why is she deliberately going out to upset me?

  [To Mum] No, I don’t want dessert tonight thank you. No, I told you, I don’t want ice-cream. No, I know I used to like it, but I don’t now, and don’t put it on the table… I don’t want to look at it, I don’t want to be around it. [She jumps up.] Now I can’t eat my tea, I feel sick. Why are you doing this to me… now I can’t eat my tea. Put it in the bin, put it in the bin… no, I don’t want it for later, put it in the bin.

  [To audience] See what she’s doing to me? She wants me to be fat and ugly? Why? Well, that’s it then. From now on I’ll do all my cooking and shopping by myself.

  SANCIA goes to the garage where she keeps her exercise equipment. She picks up punishing equipment as she berates herself in the mirror. The coaching is becoming vicious, and there is a very distinct cruel voice appearing.

  JOGGING

  You are a guts Sancia… you are a glutton… you are a pig… sitting up to the trough with your little trotters on the table… snuffling your food like a hairy piglet.

  You actually wanted to eat that ice-cream, didn’t you?

  Wanted to swallow the lot.

  You would haven eaten the plate if you could.

  You cannot be trusted.

  I will have to keep my eye on you.

  I will have to watch you every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

  Because you are weak Sancia.

  Weak and lazy.

  Gross. You are vile.

  You are a sinful, pathetic disgrace.

  You have no self control.

  A spineless coward who wants to give in.

  Well that won’t happen while I’m in charge.

  From now on you are under arrest.

  And you will be punished.

  You will eat dirt if I tell you to.

  Because we are at war.

  We are on a long march.

  Through hard times.

  Through a vale of sorrows.

  With an unfavourable wind blowing at our backs.

  And an evil star at our shoulders.

>   No pain, no gain kiddo.

  Just do it.

  Hang on a minute… who are you?

  You, of course.

  Where are we going?

  Zero.

  EXCUSES

  Phone rings.

  Oh hi Gen.

  Dinner?

  Who’s going?

  Is it just you and me? Oh everyone’s going.

  Will there be boys there?

  They’re not?

  Good.

  Where are you going?

  Oh… Domino’s…

  Oh gee, Gen, you know I’d really love to come but…

  I just ate.

  I’m allergic to cheese.

  I was once sick on pizza and I’ve never been able to eat it since.

  I’m a vegan.

  I promised to have dinner at home.

  I can’t eat this late at night.

  I’m no allowed to eat anything with oil in it.

  I’m diabetic.

  I’ve decided I’m not eating any more junk food.

  I have some weird stomach bug.

  I’ve just been jogging.

  A whole lot of us have decided to boycott Domino’s… it’s a political thing, something about guerilla fighters and the Gaza Strip.

  I’m have bowel tests tomorrow morning so I can’t eat. Yes what a shame.

  I have to study.

  I’m diabetic… Oh, I said that already?

  I have to babysit my brother.

  I’ve ground down my teeth so I can’t eat meat.

  I’m going to the pictures with Mum.

  I have to wash my hair.

  The cat’s sick, got to catch the vomit.

  Er… I have to wash the car?

  I have to rearrange all my underwear in very big baskets according to their size and colour… lots of baskets…

  Look Gen… I’m just not hungry… OK?

  Have a good time.

  Bye.

  SANCIA hangs up the phone and stands, lonely and lost. She goes to her desk and opens her books but can’t do anything.

  [Muttering under her breath] Maybe I could go later? No, no, work, work, work, you need to work.

  Again she tries to work but can’t. She talks to her ‘other self’.

  I was wondering when I could go out again?

  You already go out.

  No, I mean out, out.