What is the Matter with Mary Jane?

by Wendy Harmer

  Well, where?

  To a film.

  Someone’s made a film on year 11 Physics, have they?

  Can I go to a party?

  I’m sorry, but not with that acne all over your face.

  Where?

  I can see a pimple.

  What about a book? Can I read a book?

  If you think you can take time off study it’s up to you. I don’t care if you fail.

  Maybe I’ll phone Gen.

  Who wants to listen to you?

  But she is my best friend.

  WAS, you mean. Don’t you know everyone thinks you’re weird?

  Well, I was invited on a bushwalk.

  Yeah, everyone will get a good laugh at lunch when you pull half a lettuce and ten raisins out of your backpack.

  I could fly a kite for a bit.

  What use is that to anyone? There are people starving in Africa, you know.

  Hey… I could go for a bike ride. That burns up heaps of calories.

  Now you’re talking… 50 ks should do it.

  Hmmm… well, I guess I’ll do more study.

  What about your sit ups, lazy bones?

  Alright, how about I do 250?

  Good girl.

  But when will I be allowed to stop all this?

  When you’re perfect.

  IN THE TOILET

  SANCIA stands up and addresses the audience again.

  Well hey… if you can’t leave the house, you may as well chuck down a couple of laxatives…or forty… and enjoy a good night in.

  SANCIA is now sitting on a toilet, looking like she might be there for quite a while. She reads things on the back of the toilet door.

  ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ Thanks Mum… hmm I’m going to put my Grumpy Cat and LOL Cats pictures up.

  She sighs, bored.

  SANCIA looks at a pile of trash magazines.

  Oh well if you’re stuck in a toilet for a billion years you can always make yourself feel a trillion times worse by reading TRASH MAGS—cos if you didn’t feel trashed about yourself before you started—you will by the time you’re through—TRASH MAGS! Let’s see. [She pulls them up one by one.] What do we have have hmm, body shaming, body comparing, body shaming, body comparing. Ah! Here we go—Miranda Kerr! Stand by for some wisdom… hmm… health tips, check this one out—apparently to look like Miranda Kerr all I have to do is be dairy free, carb free, gluten free, sugar free, meat free, no. No—Miranda Kerr looks like Miranda Kerr because of genetics—and Photoshop.

  SANCIA thinks about this.

  To be honest—I have never understood why someone would want to be a model. What? Do you just wake up one morning and think, ‘Hey, I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, I want to change my clothes 100 times a day and walk up and down in time to music.’ Talk about an underachiever.

  SANCIA keeps flicking.

  Ooooooh here’s my favourite… Diary of a Model. This will be good!

  SANCIA smiles and prepares to read.

  This is sure to be what happens in real life cos these things never lie…

  SANCIA turns into a ‘dumb model’ stereotype.

  Monday… off to Paris for a Chanel parade.

  5 am: Got up, spent two hours examining face for pimples; plucked eyebrows; shaved armpits; waxed legs; changed hair colour; practiced looking bored.

  7 am: Ate cornflake.

  One minute past seven: Threw up.

  Five minutes past seven: Did one thousand sit-ups; caught cab to airport. Accidentally fell down grate in car park.

  10 am: Rescued by SWAT team who pulled me out with magnet on my belly button ring. Lucky I didn’t get my nipples pierced!

  11 am: Wow! Sat next to Mick Jagger in first class… I mean, so what, sat next to Mick in first class…

  Five minutes past eleven: Mick fell asleep and dribbled on my Armani jacket. Erghh… even though he ‘moves like Jagger’ he is still a million years old.

  Spent next 12 hours flying to Paris trying to do crossword.

  Hmm… what’s a four letter word meaning: ‘Any substance containing nutrients such as carbohydrates, proteins and fats which can be eaten by a living organism and metabolised into energy and body tissue?’

  Too hard… filed nails instead.

  7 pm: Backstage at Chanel… make-up team arrive with sticky tape, Spakfilla, scaffolding, and orbital sander.

  9 pm: I’ve made it! Here I am on the Paris catwalk, under the glare of a million flashbulbs.

  10 pm: Taken to Paris hospital with temporary blindness and two detached retinas.

  Midnight: A great day. I lost weight! Yay for me!

  BITCH!

  SANCIA picks up another magazine, very annoyed.

  My mother is obsessed with this idea that I have an eating disorder, so she’s always leaving magazines like this lying around ‘accidentally on purpose’.

  What’s this? ‘TEN TELL-TALE SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER’. Well, let’s just have a look at this shall we?

  1. SEVERE WEIGHT LOSS

  Look, I just have this incredibly fast metabolism… I eat heaps, as much as I like, more than most people. I just burn off heaps when I’m under stress. I was overweight anyway, so it’s not like it was severe. Some people are genetically thin. Look at the celebrities… they just totally pig out. I didn’t even think about my weight… it just fell off.

  2. CHANGES IN THE PATTERN OF MEALTIMES

  It’s just a Western concept anyway, the idea that we all eat together like a herd of cows. Look, I’m just one of those people who doesn’t eat breakfast, and I’m always so busy at lunchtime, I forget to eat… and you get really bad nightmares if you eat late at night. All the experts say: ‘Always go to bed hungry’ and how much money do they make? As all the eastern philosophers say: ‘Follow your instincts’. And mine just tell me to eat a lot of lettuce and drink Coke Zero.

  3. OBSESSIVE PREPARATION OF FOOD

  I just love to cook… that should tell you something. I love being around food. And you know how it is when you cook, often you just aren’t hungry when the meal in on the table. But I do love to watch people eat. It’s part of life. I mean I never miss an episode of Masterchef. I don’t like anyone else to prepare my food for me… it’s a ritual thing and I just want to make sure there aren’t any toxins in my body.

  4. IRRATIONAL AMOUNTS OF EXERCISE

  I am a really uptight person and if I don’t exercise I just get relly batty. Besides if you don’t exercise, you just end up getting osteoporosis. Everyone knows that. Look at the footy players, those guys spend seven hours in the gym… you could say that’s irrational but they are hardly anorexic. I think the person who wrote this article could be irrational.

  5. CONSTANT CHEWING OF GUM

  Dentists recommend you chew gum! What do I not brush my teeth now too? Besides, chewing gum is loaded with sugar. Sure it’s artificial but it’s still sugar… so that just proves I don’t have a problem with my weight.

  6. PICKING FROM THE FRIDGE

  What’s wrong with that? But little brother does it. I just like to taste food. So right… now you’re saying you don’t want me to eat. This is stupid.

  7. BAD BREATH

  What, am I perfect?

  8. LAXATIVE ABUSE

  My grandma takes laxatives. Are we going to haul her off to hospital are we? Sometimes I have trouble going to the toilet… lots of people do. I suppose if I had lots of money I could go and have a colonic flush every day—that’s where they flush out your bowels with water—how gross is that?

  9. IRREGULAR OR NON EXISTENT MENSTRUATION

  My period was never regular… and lots of people lose their periods under stress. I hate these articles… I mean, what’s regular anyway? This person should define their terms.

  10. CHANGES IN BEHAVIOUR

  Oh, right. Let’s take everyone in the whole world off to hospital then.

  SANCIA throws the magazine down visciously. She is furious. />
  Anyway I’m just growing up and don’t like doing the things I used to do. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m sad. I suppose I could always have a lobotomy.

  I just focus on different things at different times… I’ve always been like that. I’m just private. I don’t like the whole world knowing everything about me.

  And I especially don’t like people walking around with dumb magazine articles like this and spying on me and watching everything I do.

  SANCIA is now very distressed, shouting; she is trapped and knows she is sick now.

  There is nothing wrong with me, it’s just a stage I’m going through.

  The only problem with me is that I’m too fat.

  So get off my case… leave me alone!

  IN THE MIRROR

  SANCIA poses in the mirror… she discovers her hair is falling out, her teeth are rotting, her skin is transparent and a light fur is growing on her arms and face.

  She is extremely weak and wearily climbs into her bed.

  HOSPITAL

  Uh oh…

  I’ve really done it this time. I’m in hospital.

  The embarrassing thing is… there’s nothing wrong with me.

  Well, nothing that a sausage roll wouldn’t fix.

  If I could eat a sausage roll.

  If I could eat anything.

  But I can’t.

  Mum’s bought me a new nightie.

  I don’t need a new nightie.

  The girls will come and visit me sitting up in bed in my new nightie.

  They’ll bring flowers and cards… they won’t bring a box of chocolates.

  ‘Don’t be stupid… she won’t eat chocolates. They’re fattening… she won’t eat anything fattening, moron. Anyway she’s really sick. Buy her something she’ll like. Buy her twenty packets of Extra.’

  What will they think when they find out it’s only Anorexia Nervosa.

  They’ll hate me.

  I wish I had cancer of something.

  Or a tumour

  Maybe a hole in the heart.

  I must have a hole in the heart

  To make everyone worry like this.

  I’m going to put on weight just lying here.

  They want to keep me here to fatten me up

  Like a battery pig.

  I hate being here

  I want to go home.

  Oh no.

  Visitors…

  Hello everyone.

  Lovely to see you.

  Great, I feel fine… I’m just a little bit tired.

  They’re doing some tests in the morning.

  Thanks for the Extra.

  But I can’t eat after 8 pm.

  Not that that will be a problem.

  Ha ha ha.

  I can’t believe I actually laughed

  Right in their faces

  They were all sitting here with sad faces

  And I laughed.

  I wish I could die.

  So, Doc… how am I doing?

  Hair falling out

  Scaly skin

  Loose teeth

  Slow pulse

  Hypoglycaemia

  Periods stopped

  Tooth enamel wearing off

  Fungus in the fingernails

  Dehydration

  Constipation

  Malnutrition

  And I have fur growing on my body…

  Yeah… but apart from that…

  How am I?

  I’ve got IT.

  IT’s official.

  Anorexia Nervosa.

  Now everyone will know.

  Did you hear?

  Sancia is in hospital because she won’t eat her tea.

  And it’s lovely rice pudding for dinner again.

  Oh God…

  If only…

  If only I could be…

  Nothing.

  AT THE PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE

  Now weighing nothing seemed like a good idea to me… but my parents had other ideas. So instead of letting me do something useful like go for a jog… or go on a kale juice fast… they sent me to a psychiatrist… a head doctor for the mentally ill, the emotionally handicapped.

  Which was bizarre… I hadn’t lost my mind… just my appetite.

  SANCIA sits in a chair for ‘consultation’.

  Oh yes, I’m really glad to be back at school. And I’m pleased with the weight I’ve put on. I really want to eat more and yes… putting on more weight? Yes, yes that does seem like a good idea.

  [To audience] Why not make it more… why not a billion… hey, why stop there, why not 70 billion? Let’s all enjoy watching me grow into an enormous fat whale… a pile of blubber as big as a block of flats. Why don’t I do that? Then go on Biggest Loser and completely humiliate myself. Would that make you happy?

  Oh yes. I very much enjoy sharing my feelings here every week.

  I am feeling enabled.

  And very empowered.

  My inner child… ?

  How could I tell him my inner child didn’t want dinner either.

  There’s just one thing… This isn’t important… it’s just a little thing… but I thought I should mention it.

  I’m sort of starting to bring my food up a little bit. Just vomiting a little bit… now and then.

  Oh yeah, I’m still eating heaps.

  Oh… then it’s not a worry… as long as some of it stays down.

  The most important thing is that I eat.

  YES.

  I don’t think he realised quite what he had said ‘yes’ to, because after years of keeping my hunger under control finally…

  The Beast Was Loose.

  Be Afraid, Be Very, Very Afraid!

  ‘BINGING WITH SANCIA’

  On a TV studio set.

  Cheesy music starts and SANCIA starts dancing and waving like Ellen.

  HELLO AND WELCOME to ‘Binging With Sancia’, a favourite segment of ours here on ‘What is the Matter with Mary Jane’, our Anorexia-Bulimia lifestyle program.

  Of course binge eating is becoming more and more popular these days. Originally made famous by the ever glamorous Princess Diana, our first Celebrity Bulimic… it does look like a quick and easy answer to that figure you’ve always wanted. But is it? There’s a whole lot more to it than fingers down the throat, a quick little vomit and then slip into those skin tight skinny jeans, believe me!

  Many folk have asked me: ‘Sancia, how do I go about binging? Is it difficult? Is it expensive? What do I wear?!

  So today we’re going to look at a classic binge.

  Firstly, do set aside an evening by yourself, no TV, phone, Snapchat, Twitter, IG or texting and no music to distract you (unless you download Music to Vom By—a compilation of One Direction and Justin Beiber hits), oh and you’ll need about $35–$60.

  If you can wear something you don’t mind getting stained… that’s great. But be prepared to ruin your best clothes… remembering that binging can strike at any time.

  You wonder how Princess Diana manages in those gorgeous frocks, don’t you? Well, at least she doesn’t have to queue for the ladies’.

  I know you’re thinking… what about those tell tale bits of food left floating in the bowl? Perhaps that’s why she always carried a handbag.

  OK? Great!

  Now we all know how it starts… it’s 4 pm, you’ve hardly eaten a thing all day, your tummy is roaring and you think: ‘Hmm, perhaps I’ll eat an apple’ but, no, before you’ve realised, you’re in the patisserie and whoa, we’re off.

  She takes a shopping basket to the fridge/pantry.

  OK firstly in the patisserie we’re looking for your basic carbohydrates… you want to grab about six cakes… perhaps three iced doughnuts and a few cream cakes… maybe some sausage rolls.

  Find a quiet spot… behind the shop is a good place… and just shovel these down as fast as you can…

  She shoves the food into a food blender.*

  Let’s push the gluggy, doughy ones down first, without
having a drink if you can, and of course don’t bother about chewing because we want them to come up in a good solid lump when we get home.

  There we go… let’s leave that for a moment.

  Now, holding our tummies in tightly, it’s off to the supermarket.

  She returns to the fridge.

  We all know it’s important to buy the best ingredients we can afford, so today we’re looking for sure fire throw up material… anything soft and sweet.

  Stay away from anything spicy or crunchy because the last thing we want here is to rip our throats out as it comes up.

  So, I have here soft bread rolls, jam, Mint slices, Tim Tams (a family favourite… but the kids won’t be getting their hands on these), cake, raisin bread, chocolate or caramel topping, custard, sugar, cornflakes (hello to our lovely sponsors at Kellogs), milk, Milo (always looking to buy Australian made of course), cheesecake, icing, honey, peanut butter, ice cream and of course… chocolate!

  Now what about chocolate, you’re thinking! Be very careful about chocolate… it does tend to decompose rapidly and stay in the stomach where it can be absorbed and turn into dreaded FAT.

  Grab everything as fast as you can… into the trolley they go… [SANCIA returns to the table.] You can certainly feel free to finish off your pastries, donuts or packets of Cheezels [added to blender] or what have you, as you race through the aisles.

  So, with everything in the car, it’s time to head for home. Now time is important here, because who knows how many calories we are absorbing through the stomach lining, the throat, maybe even the cheeks as we keep the food in our bodies.

  Oh, did I mention the barbecued chickens? I usually grab a couple, with stuffing, and start on them in the car…

  She adds bits of chicken to the blender.**

  Do be careful here… driving with a huge bloated stomach, packets of food opened all over the seats and hands covered in chicken fat is definitely a traffic hazard.

  In the event of an accident try explaining exactly what you are doing to a policeman you’ve just thrown up all over!

  And darlings, if the phone rings… forget it!

  Once home, grab the food, run inside and head for the toilet.

  OK? Great!

  And, in the toilet…we go.

  She pours the contents of the blender into the toilet.

  The first part of our binge is a huge success… a big mass… you can see the chocolate, which is a relief, we don’t want that staying down. Actually you might like to use the kitchen tongs to have a good poke around to identify all the various ingredients.