by Quinn, Taryn
“Not possible.”
“You don’t know me, Hannah. You just said it yourself.” He focused on me far too intently. “Perhaps you’re just seeing what you want to.”
“Not possible,” I repeated, finally releasing him.
I didn’t want to. Which was exactly why I had to.
The silence stretched between us. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Couldn’t bear to let him hurt alone when maybe I could help alleviate some of it.
“Just in case you didn’t know, there’s something about grief no one tells you. Sometimes when you’re grieving, you don’t have any love left to give anyone. Not even yourself. Even if you want to. Even if you’re desperate to.” I paused to ensure my voice wouldn’t wobble. Taking breath after breath while my chest fought to close in on itself. “Grief shuts everything down. You can’t think around it. Can’t feel through it. Your emotions are locked away behind it. But they’re there, I swear it.”
Maybe I was making the same promise to myself. Absolving myself as well for not instantly bonding with the baby inside me.
Although maybe, just maybe, I was. At least I was starting to. I’d only known for a few hours. And Asher didn’t have a clue yet.
But at least I’d told him what I knew about Lily. The rest would come soon. I’d find the words to tell him the unexplainable. The absolutely crazy.
God, I hoped.
Thirteen
I was asking for trouble, but I couldn’t make myself back away.
Not now.
Hannah understood. She’d gone through the very same things I’d experienced the last few months. Losing her parents had wrecked her and changed her life.
Just as my life had been changed.
Sure, it was different. But Billy had been as close as family to me, and on top of that, I’d been tasked with taking care of his precious little girl.
She was all I had left of him. And every single day he’d been gone, I was sure I was failing him. Dishonoring his memory and invalidating his trust by bungling all of this so badly.
But I wasn’t alone. I had my grandmother and now I had Hannah. They were helping me figure all of this out. One minute at a time.
“Billy and Lily,” Hannah mused. “Did he do that intentionally?”
“Huh?” I scraped my fork over my plate, getting every last bit of the chicken, cheese, and corn casserole my saint of a grandmother had left in my freezer. She’d even stocked waffles and frozen fruit for her precious Snug for the morning, complete with a sweet note.
It would be a long while before I bugged her for calling me that again. My stomach was too grateful.
That wasn’t the only part of me feeling gratitude. I was also glad that Hannah and I were sitting with our knees touching on a quilt in front of the fire, eating and talking and laughing.
The laughter mostly came from me, a miracle of its own. But she’d almost smiled a few times now. I was beginning to fully understand why she couldn’t. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t keep trying to make her feel the way she so effortlessly did with me.
Happy.
“Their names rhyme.”
I set down my fork and frowned. “Yeah. They do. Weird I never noticed.”
She shook her head. “You’re so observant in some ways and so clueless male in others.”
I shrugged. “He just loved the name Lily. So did Solange, his girlfriend.”
“She died in childbirth, right?” Hannah bit her lip. “Why is that still happening? Childbirth should be safe.”
“I don’t know. Some weird medical thing. They didn’t catch it until it was too late.” I rubbed my eyes.
Remembering what my best friend went through when his daughter was born just stirred up everything about Billy’s death. They were so linked in my mind. Lily had lost so much at such a young age.
I’d spend the rest of my life trying to give back even a fraction of what she’d lost.
“Oh.” Hannah set aside her food.
“You didn’t eat enough.” I nodded at her still half-full plate. “Want me to feed you?”
“What, am I Lily now?” Her lips twitched, but her eyes were far too heavy. The blue was like storm clouds, dark and turbulent.
“They were so in love when they made Lily.” I leaned back on my hands and gave up trying to shove the memories away. They were rooted far too deep.
I’ve got news, man. Big news.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Did Solange finally agree to move in with you?
Better. Well, she did that too. She’s moving in. Know why?
Because you told her you’d finally get a better place, one with actual windows?
No, asshole, because we’re having a baby.
“Had they been together long?”
I stared at Hannah, dragging myself back. “No, actually. They met and it was instant chemistry.” There was no denying the roughness of my voice. I couldn’t help it. There were too many parallels between my buddy’s relationship and what had happened between Hannah and I. “He told me he fell in love with her that night.”
I didn’t even know what that felt like. But I wanted to spend more time with her. I loved seeing her eyes sparkle with hidden amusement, even if it was at me. Especially when it was at me.
And every time she picked up Lily, something moved in my chest. Cracks opening up along a predetermined fault line. Then like plates of the Earth, locking into place.
Hannah toyed with a frayed thread on her sweater. Despite my admonishments, she hadn’t taken that warm bath yet or changed out of her wet clothes. At least she was seated close to the roaring fire. “Do you think that matters?”
“What?”
“Do you think it makes a difference for a baby, if their parents are in love or not?” She huffed out a breath. “I don’t mean later, while the child is growing up. I mean at the moment of conception.”
“I don’t know.”
“Me either.” She drew her knees up to her chest and pulled her long sweater around her, almost as if she was hiding.
I didn’t know what she was getting at, but maybe this was her way of us getting to know each other.
“My parents probably weren’t, but I can’t say it made any difference in my life. I gravitated to my grandparents early on anyway. I think kids figure out how to get what they need.”
“But if it creates some fundamental feeling of lack in them…” She rested her head on her upturned knees and peered at me through the tumble of her golden brown hair. “My parents were madly in love. At least at the beginning. In later years, my father got bored. Turned into a bit of a daredevil.”
“And your mother?”
“She turned into a people pleaser. All she wanted to do was make him happy. Sometimes she didn’t pay as much attention to us because she was all about him.”
“You have sisters, right?”
“Twins. Huge brats, both of them, but I adore them. They’re whip-smart and beautiful and so much trouble.”
I had to laugh as I moved her hair out of her face. She startled, but she didn’t shift away. “Beautiful, huh? I don’t believe it.” I made my tone light so she knew I was teasing.
Hannah was simply stunning. It didn’t surprise me an iota that her sisters were too.
“I grew up taking care of them when my dad was off doing crazy stuff. My mom spent her life chasing after him. They liked to travel and he flew private planes and surfed and went on safari or whatever else caught his fancy. She agreed to anything he suggested. Well, except flying. She wouldn’t get into his little prop plane. Not until that last day.” Her eyes filled and my gut twisted.
“Hannah.” I wrapped my arms around her and she burrowed into my chest, tucking her head under mine. She pressed her cheek to my chest, and I knew she could hear the rapid thundering of my heart.
“I’ve never had this,” she whispered. “Not since my mom died. I never had anyone to hold me.”
“Well, you’re in luck.” I stroked her hair.
“Free hugs given here.”
She looked up at me, her dark lashes starred with tears, and I would’ve given her the world if I could have. “Promise?”
I wasn’t even sure what I was agreeing to. Free hugs forever? That seemed innocuous enough. I would’ve promised her so much more.
Right then, perhaps anything.
“I promise.”
She shivered and I tipped up her chin. “Your clothes are still damp. You were already sick today. You need that warm bath. Or warm shower. Dealer’s choice.”
“I’m feeling okay right now.” The little purr she made in her throat went straight to my cock.
Sure enough, she noticed.
She licked her lips and shifted against me, her eyes twinkling in the low light from the fire. “You’re feeling pretty good too.”
“Can’t blame me for reacting to a gorgeous woman.” She shivered again and I wrapped the messy end of her braid around my hand. “Who needs a hot bath.”
“So bossy. Is this how you are at work?”
“If it gets the job done.” I gave her hair a tug. “What would get the job done with you, blue eyes?”
“Did you just give me a nickname?”
“Not the most creative one, but yes, I guess so.”
“I like it.”
She slid away from me. I was still missing the feel of her in my arms when she pulled off her sweater and let it fall around her. Beneath, she wore a thin V-necked top and well-worn jeans. Without hesitation, she took off her shirt and undid the button and zipper, wiggling the denim over her hips.
Her simple white cotton bra and panty set had little roses between the cups. Sweet, almost chaste. She reached up to undo what was left of her disordered braid, setting all that glorious thick hair free, and my mouth went dry.
“I’d say we both could use a nice warm bath, don’t you agree? That Jacuzzi tub in there looks big enough for five.”
“Three.”
My choked response made her lips curve for barely an instant. Didn’t matter. I’d seen her smile just for me.
“Think we are just fine then. Why don’t I get the tub ready while you check on Lily?”
“Why don’t you,” I echoed as she rose.
She tugged off her socks. “You mean you’d rather I go see to Lily?”
“Yes. No. Christ.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “Sorry, all blood in my head rerouted south. You’re fucking gorgeous.”
“Sure you don’t need glasses? I’ve seen my hair tonight.”
“Perfect 20/20. And don’t say that again.” I grabbed her calf when she stepped out of her jeans. “Can’t you tell how crazy you make me?”
“I can. I’m just waiting for it to change.”
“It’s been more than two months. It’s not changing.”
She tossed her jeans at me and headed into the en suite bathroom, her heart-shaped ass bouncing in the very best ways. “Then get a move on, Wainwright. I’ve never soaked in a Jacuzzi.”
“Shit. I don’t have any condoms.”
That stopped her dead momentarily. “You still didn’t buy any?”
“To use with who? I told you there’s been no one else. And it’s unethical to do…this.”
“That again.” I tried not to watch her perfect ass sway, but it was pretty much a lost cause. “Come find me when you forget your supposed rules.”
A moment later, she leaned around the doorway, dipping forward enough that her tits nearly spilled out of her low-cut bra. “Don’t forget you’re far too old for me too.”
“Hannah, you’re pushing your luck.” Just as my dick was pushing against the confines of my pants.
“And you should never deflower an innocent virgin in a one-night stand—”
I threw her sweater toward the bathroom door, and she backed away, laughing. Then the water turned on in the tub.
Fuck. I stood and started gathering our plates. I was not standing on ceremony and missing a second of this.
We could make our own rules.
Fourteen
The sound I made as I slipped into the Jacuzzi bordered on orgasmic.
Could someone climax just from a few well-placed jet sprays and hot water? And I didn’t even mean on my clit or anywhere interesting. Right now, my sore legs and aching hips were getting lots of play.
Either I’d jarred myself on the cold sidewalk more than I realized or pregnancy was already kicking my ass.
Along with feeling like heaven, the tub also allowed me to hide my belly. I’d been more nervous about revealing that part of myself to Asher than my breasts or between my legs. He’d seen them already in any case. But my stomach was a big old baby neon sign.
Or so it was in my head. As if he would be able to tell I’d gained five pounds.
Could he?
Probably not until the pre-sex haze cleared anyway. Afterward, maybe. He was fairly observant when he wanted to be.
He was also ridiculously sweet. But that whole lack of condoms thing wasn’t keeping me from, as Gabriela called it, a thorough dicking.
Especially since condoms were not a factor in our lives right now.
I was so clean I was squeaky. I was pretty sure Asher was too, judging from his overall level of preparation and nonexistent list of current lovers.
Just me. And wasn’t that the most wonderful thing ever?
Wait until he finds out you’re knocked up.
A shadow crossed the doorway. I sat up straighter before remembering angles and my stomach situation. I slumped back down and swallowed hard. “Could I trouble you for a loofah?”
“A what?”
“A loofah. It’s a mesh spongey thing to wash with.” I swallowed as my gaze dropped to Asher’s bare chest. The surprising amount of muscles and tattoos he mostly hid under his business suits—other than the wrist and hand ones—were as much of a surprise now as they were the first time I saw him naked. “Never mind.”
He bent to open a cabinet beneath the spacious double sink, emerging with a few stubby candles and a washcloth. “Suitable?”
“Yes, thank you. Are you going to light those with the power of your mind?”
He tossed me the washcloth and it splashed in the water. “You have a very smart mouth. I didn’t fully realize the night we met.”
“About all you realized then was how tasty my lemon bars were.”
They hadn’t even been mine, but I’d shared them with him. Perhaps someday he’d get to try the ones I made.
Maybe. Everything felt so tenuous right now. I had to try to live in the moment.
Tomorrow? What tomorrow?
“Wrong. I also noticed you were a screamer.” He disappeared into the other room.
I caught myself smiling as I lathered up the washcloth with some of the citrusy cedar-scented bodywash in the tub.
Mmm. No wonder Asher smelled so good.
I lathered my neck and shoulders before moving to my belly, deliberately avoiding my breasts. I had a feeling they would be far too sensitive, and I was already skating along a thin edge.
Had I really screamed? Moaned loudly for sure.
The door creaked open again and Asher returned with a small tray that contained the lit candles. A portable baby monitor poked out of his trouser pocket.
My heart gave a hard tug.
He flicked off the overhead lights and set the candles near the tub. The baby monitor crackled as he set it on the countertop and he muttered under his breath, fiddling with dials and buttons.
As sexy as I found the lean muscles shifting in his back, and his perfect peach of an ass snugly displayed in his well-cut pants, the hottest thing about him was his concern for his daughter.
When he shifted toward me and tugged at his zipper, the bulge in his boxers came in a close second.
“May I join you?” The slight hesitation in the question had me leaning forward, completely oblivious to my bare breasts bobbing out of the water.
Until his jaw locked and his eyes glazed.
&n
bsp; I rubbed the soapy loofah over my thighs before it slipped away in the water. “It’s your tub.”
“May I join you?” he repeated.
Every part of me buzzed and hummed with anticipation. Even Asher’s impeccable manners excited me. I knew he had a more commanding side and waiting for it to come out was yet another turn-on.
“Please do.” I hadn’t meant for my voice to sound husky.
He inhaled as he shed his trousers and boxers, his gaze not meeting mine until he was fully nude. The thick curve of him drew my focus. And how.
When he spoke again, all I heard was white noise.
Damn, he was built. No wonder I was pregnant. I was amazed I hadn’t gotten inseminated just from seeing him naked.
Maybe I had.
“Hannah.” He tried again. “Hannah?”
I just licked my lips. He let out a low groan and slipped into the Jacuzzi across from me. “Never mind.”
“Where did you get all the ink?” I asked when I recovered my voice. “It’s so not like you.”
“A few have special meaning. Others were dares when I was with my—with Billy.” He exhaled. “Besides, are you sure you know exactly what I’m like yet?”
His voice was low, barely audible over the bubbling water. Or else I was fixated on studying his body again, partially disguised as it was by the foam.
“No, I’m not sure. But I want to know everything.”
The heavy-lidded look he gave me didn’t register surprise, but I could feel it in the tension in his body. His legs were braced on either side of mine, not touching. So close I could feel his heat and how rigidly he was holding himself still.
Two strangers, naked in a tub. Who’d made a baby, even if one of them didn’t realize that yet. Yet we didn’t want to get too much into each other’s personal space.
I started to laugh.
He nudged me with his calf and that made me laugh harder.
“Not sure if you’re up on hot tub protocol, but when a guy gets in with you, maybe cool it on the chuckles?”
I wiped my streaming eyes. “Just we’re a little ridiculous. So careful and polite, and it’s so past time for all of that.”
“Is it now?”
I sucked in a breath and inched forward, stretching my legs over his thighs. He didn’t move. Didn’t even seem to breathe as I dragged myself toward him. It took everything I possessed to reach out and touch his face. The sharp lines of his cheekbones, the curve of his temples where sweat beaded on his skin, his granite jaw. I explored him, watching his wary eyes shift in the weak candlelight from hazel to a blazing green. My thumb slid along his lower lip and he nipped it so gently I could only gasp.