A Sinful Calling

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “I told him that we were all wrong, and that I apologized to you.”

  “And what did he say?”

  “Not a lot. Mostly he was just quiet. But I know he misses you.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “He does, and the reason I know that is because he said it. Not talking to you or seeing you is tearing him apart.”

  “Then why won’t he accept that I have a husband?”

  “I don’t think it’s so much that he doesn’t like Levi as a person, because he liked Levi before you met him. Even when Levi was a drug dealer, he gave money to the church and went to your father for advice. But you already know all that.”

  “Well, if he doesn’t dislike Levi, then why won’t he have anything to do with him?”

  “Because he somehow believes Levi is the reason Phillip is dead. I felt the same way, but it’s like I told him, we were wrong and it’s not our place to judge Levi.”

  “No, it’s not. Especially when I was the one who was married to Phillip, and I was the one who chose to have an affair on him.”

  “I’m going to talk to your dad again.”

  “I appreciate it, Mom, but I’m not sure it’ll help.”

  “Let’s hope it does.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Okay, well I need to get going, but text me and let me know what Levi says about dinner.”

  “I will. I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you more.”

  Alicia set her phone on her desk and signed into the email account she posted on her website for readers. She’d been so busy that she hadn’t checked it in a while. Every now and then someone expressed their dislike for one of her books or characters, but the majority of the messages were very thoughtful and kind.

  She read through a few of them, responding to each one. When she opened another, however, her smile vanished. It was from a reader who’d recently read an old article about Phillip’s death.

  Dear Alicia,

  I know it’s been a while since your husband died, but because something similar just happened to my brother I couldn’t help writing you. Like Phillip, my brother was a wonderful minister who everyone loved, but like you, my sister-in-law was never satisfied. My brother practically worshiped the ground she walked on, yet she just couldn’t stop looking for something better. So, of course, she finally found a man who she claimed she was in love with. Let her tell it, he was her soul mate. At first, she hid it from my brother for as long as she could, but then she came up with what she thought was some big bright idea. She said she deserved to be happy, and she was going to be. Even if it hurt my brother. So she slept around with her man and then told my brother she wanted a divorce.

  Well, needless to say, he was more hurt than any of us could have imagined. He begged her to change her mind, but when she wouldn’t, he became deeply depressed. She still moved out anyway, and filed for divorce. She even had the nerve to move in with the no-good she was sleeping with, even though her divorce from my brother wasn’t final. But her moving in with another man while she was still married to my brother was the biggest mistake she could have made. My brother became more depressed, but then his depression turned to rage. He got so angry that the next thing we knew, he’d purchased a gun and gone over to the man’s house. He shot the man first, then his wife, and then himself. Most of us still can’t believe this happened, and I don’t have to tell you how much we hate my dead sister-in-law. She ruined my brother’s life, and now because of her selfish behavior, she’s ruined our family’s as well. I know this isn’t your fault and that you had nothing to do with my brother’s death, but somehow you were the first person I thought of today. Maybe it’s because I’d read all your books—before you caused your husband’s death—and I couldn’t believe someone I had admired so much could do something so cruel. And evil. Like you, all my sister-in-law had to do was not marry my brother, and she could have slept around with whomever she wanted. And the same goes for you, too. You had a choice, but you chose to get married and have an affair. Now thanks to you and my sister-in-law, two innocent men are dead.

  I guess the only difference, though, is that while my sister-in-law got what was coming to her, you’re still walking around scot-free. You’ve gone on with your life, business as usual I’m sure. You’re probably still enjoying your life as an author and famous pastor’s daughter. I wouldn’t know, though, because after you betrayed your husband and caused his death, I stopped reading your books and I also unfollowed all your social media accounts. I was completely sickened when I found out what you did, but somehow now that the same kind of thing has happened to my brother, I like you even less. I think what angers me most is that you got away with what you did. You weren’t punished for anything, and for that, you should be ashamed of yourself. If I were you, I wouldn’t even be able to look at myself in the mirror without becoming disgusted. Women like you should be thrown under the jail, or better yet, thrown six feet under. Right now, I’d be satisfied with either one, just as long as you paid for what you did in at least some way. Although, if I had to guess, the guilt has probably been eating away at you for years, and you’re not very happy. If that’s true, then good.

  Signed,

  An angry, hurt, and hugely

  disgusted FORMER

  reader of yours

  Alicia sat back in her chair, dumbfounded. But soon her heart began to race, and she felt hot. Then she pictured Phillip’s body lying on the ground on that awful night he’d died. She remembered how deranged he’d become and how he’d pointed a loaded gun at her head. She also replayed some of what he’d said to her: “I did everything I could to make you happy. Everything.” “Why couldn’t you just be faithful to me? Why did you have to turn into a worthless tramp?”

  “Oh God, what did I do?” Alicia said out loud.

  You know exactly what you did, the voice told her. You slept around on your husband, and now he’s dead. He loved you, and he tried to give you everything, but it never mattered. All he wanted was for you to be faithful, but you wanted Levi. You slept with another man and broke Phillip’s heart, and now he’s gone.

  Tears flowed down Alicia’s face, and she felt like she was cracking up. But then she remembered what she’d done the last few days and how it had helped her. She closed her eyes. “Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I reject and renounce everything about you. Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I reject and renounce everything about you. Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I reject and renounce everything about you.”

  Alicia felt her nerves somewhat settling down, but she wondered when this was going to stop. She’d been doing so well until today, and why on earth would anyone send her such a scathing email? Yes, the situation had been similar, but why was this woman contacting Alicia about her brother’s death? Alicia didn’t even know these people.

  She closed her eyes again. “Lord, please help me. Please give me what I need to overcome this. Please help me find peace. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”

  When she opened her eyes, she waited for a few minutes, and thankfully, the voice no longer spoke to her. But when another twenty minutes passed, it whispered to her again.

  You’ll never be happy. Phillip is dead and so are those people that lady wrote to you about. So the only way to fix this is for you to go get your gun and end all of this. But deep down, I think you already know that. You’ve known it since the very night Phillip died.

  Chapter 27

  Hey, baby,” Raven said, strutting into Dillon’s office, smiling at him.

  “So how was your lunch meeting?”

  She took a seat in one of the chairs sitting in front of his desk. “It was good. I met with my three favorite first-lady friends. We hadn’t gotten together in a while.”

  “I love that the four of you connect the way you do from time to time.”

  Dillon was trying his best to talk about anything he could, hoping to delay the conversation he didn’t want to have.

  �
��It’s always a great get-together, and you know I wanted to share my news with them. But I figured I would wait until we announce it to our congregation. Enough about my friends, though. What happened after I left the meeting? I’m dying to hear what everyone had to say.”

  Dillon sighed. “Well, I’ve spent the last couple of hours trying to figure out how to tell you.”

  Raven frowned. “How to tell me what?”

  “They all voted no. Every single one of them.”

  “No way. Why would they do that? Especially with them knowing how much you support me on this. You did tell them that, right?”

  “I didn’t have a chance. As soon as you left, they discussed it, took a vote, and that was that.”

  “And you didn’t speak up for me? You let them vote against me right to your face? Please tell me you didn’t.”

  Dillon got up, walked around his desk, and sat down next to her. “Baby, I know you really wanted this, but I can’t cause problems with my elders. Not when I need them to help build up the membership. I need them to help us get to a point where you and I will never have to want for anything. And I know that’s what you’ve been wanting, too.”

  Raven seemed stunned. “Oh…my…God. I don’t believe this. You still betrayed me after all. Even though you agreed to let me come speak to the board.”

  “I didn’t betray you, but my hands were tied. I’m caught in the middle, and I need you to understand that. You’ll be co-pastor soon enough, though,” he said, reaching for any lie or false guarantee he could muster. “But now isn’t the right time.”

  “Please. You must think I’m some naïve child. Or that I don’t have a brain in my head.”

  “Baby, that’s not true. This is a church, but it’s also no different than running a business, and we have to handle things a certain way.”

  Raven stared at him as though she wanted to murder him. “You never wanted me to be co-pastor. You think all this is yours, but if it weren’t for me, this church wouldn’t be nearly where it is today. Levi may have invested all the dollars, but it was my knowledge and good judgment that made all the difference.”

  “And I always give you credit for everything you’ve done. Always, baby.”

  Raven stared at him again, her eyes colder than before. “You have to fix this.”

  “How?”

  “Well, for one thing you can easily get Vincent to change his vote. The man is your best friend. And Levi loves you like a brother, so I know you can change his mind, too. You can make this happen if you want.”

  “And I will, but not until some time passes.”

  “How much time, Dillon?”

  “Maybe a year at the most. Hopefully sooner.”

  “That’s too long. And what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Huh?”

  “The same as you’ve always been doing: being the best first lady you can be.”

  Raven tightened her face in disgust, and then there was a knock at the door.

  “Come in,” Dillon said.

  Alicia opened the door. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in here, Raven.”

  Alicia looked upset and as though she’d been crying, and that concerned Dillon. Something wasn’t right.

  “No,” Raven said. “I’m glad you’re here because I have a question for you. Were you in on this with your brother the whole time?”

  Alicia frowned. “Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

  “Alicia, please don’t try to insult my intelligence. I know you think you’re better than me. You’ve always thought you were better than everyone. But sweetheart, I don’t care who your daddy is, and from now on, I don’t care about you being my sister-in-law, either. I knew you were going to try to stop me from being pastor. I knew it the moment you laughed at me at dinner two Sundays ago. And then I saw you texting on your phone when I was addressing the board this morning. You were making sure all the elders knew how you felt.”

  Alicia raised her hand. “Raven, you know what? I don’t even have time for this. Dillon, can you just call me when you’re free?”

  “I will.”

  Raven got up. “No, you can talk to him now, because I’m done here. But I will say this. It would seem to me that instead of always putting your nose in my business, you’d be somewhere praying about what you did. You whored around on your husband, and now he’s dead. Yet you’ve got the nerve to be worrying about what I’m doing? Please.”

  Raven strutted back out in the same manner she’d come in and slammed the door behind her.

  Alicia looked at Dillon. “She took it a lot worse than I thought.”

  “Tell me about it, but you have a seat. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I just wanted to make sure you had the latest financial report from Lynette, and here’s the revised marketing plan we created on our end,” she said, passing it to him. “The firm will be bringing copies of what they’ve put together, but I also wanted us to have ours on hand, just in case they miss something we really want to include.”

  “Sounds good, but are you sure you’re okay? Your eyes look swollen.”

  “I’m fine,” she said. “Just a busy day.”

  Dillon didn’t believe her, but he didn’t press her any further.

  When Alicia left, he thought about the catastrophe that would be waiting for him at home this evening, and he already dreaded it. He then thought about his dad for no reason, but quickly pushed him out of his mind. That was only for a few seconds, though, because it wasn’t long before his dad crossed his mind again. Dillon wished he could just forget about the man. Erase him from his life for good. Technically, Curtis wasn’t in his life, but he was still Dillon’s father, and not having a loving father-son relationship bothered Dillon. He didn’t know why a grown man his age couldn’t just move on. Why he couldn’t get beyond needing to get revenge on him. If only his father would wake up one day and let bygones be bygones, Dillon wouldn’t have to hurt him.

  Dillon wished, once again, that he could have a drink. On Sunday after church when Raven had taken a nap, he’d drunk two of the beers from his trunk. Then he’d drunk the other two on Monday before heading back over to Porsha’s. He was surprised that neither Raven nor Porsha had noticed that he chewed gum a lot more. He even kept mouthwash in his car and offices now. He’d also been popping Altoids whenever he thought about it.

  He knew he’d said he would only have the one drink at Benny’s, but drinking made him feel good, and he liked it.

  Still, he knew it wasn’t good for him, so he took a deep breath. “Lord, give me strength. Keep me from tipping down that awful path again. Help me to stay clean and sober.”

  Dillon kept his eyes shut, hoping his prayer would be answered. But at the same time, he just wanted to have one drink one last time—just one more, and that would finally be it. So he pulled the flask of vodka from his desk and took a nice, long swig. The bite of it was as strong as ever, and it eased into his bloodstream very quickly. He leaned back in his chair and enjoyed it.

  Chapter 28

  Alicia slowly opened her eyes, but they still felt heavy. She blinked a few times, trying to bring them into focus, and looked at the digital clock on her nightstand. It was eight a.m. Could she really have slept fourteen hours straight? She couldn’t have. So she lay there thinking back to the day before. She actually had to think pretty hard, but then she remembered. Some woman had sent her that blistering email, and she’d been devastated. She’d felt like she was having a nervous breakdown, and then that voice had begun haunting her again. It had pushed her a lot further toward the edge than it had in the past, but when she’d begun renouncing the devil and praying for peace, it had gone away. However, it had started up again, whispering only every now and then. She’d sat at her desk, telling herself that the voice wasn’t real and that it was only Satan trying to trick her, but the whispers had soon gotten to be too much—especially when she’d started wondering if going home to get her gun was, in fact, her only option.

&nb
sp; She’d seriously considered it, but this terrifying moment had also made her decide to tell someone. Levi had been the first person she’d thought of, but then she’d changed her mind. The reason: She didn’t want her husband thinking he was married to a lunatic. She just couldn’t live with him looking at her as though she belonged in an insane asylum and constantly monitoring her every move. So she’d decided, instead, to go to Dillon. However, when she’d arrived at her brother’s office, his annoying wife had been there, and that had changed everything. Raven had obviously gone off on Dillon, and she’d made sure to give Alicia a piece of her mind, too. Raven had eventually stormed out of Dillon’s office, but by then, Alicia had lost the courage to tell him that something wasn’t right with her. He’d asked her what was wrong, but she’d blown his question off and just given him information for their marketing meeting. That in itself had been a struggle, because throughout the entire meeting, the voice had kept whispering to her. Even now, she wondered how she’d made it through the whole two hours without screaming at the top of her lungs. She’d felt the same way last week when she’d had lunch with Melanie, and that was the reason she’d left the church yesterday as soon as the meeting had adjourned. She’d then gone straight to the pharmacy and purchased the strongest over-the-counter sleep aid she could find, as it had been the only thing she could think to do to silence the voice.

  Right after Phillip had passed, her primary care physician had prescribed her a couple of sleep medications, too, but both of them had caused her to have nightmares. At first, she’d thought she could handle them, especially since she was finally sleeping more than two or three hours at a time, but soon those nightmares had started to feel too real. She remembered once trying to wake up from one of them and not being able to. When she had, her body had felt like lead and almost as if she were paralyzed. So she figured this time, she’d try something a lot less potent that hopefully had fewer side effects.