A Sinful Calling

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  When he’d first married her, he had in fact loved her and thought that they’d be together forever. However, slowly but surely, he’d realized that it had been her ambition and business knowledge that he’d been most attracted to. He’d seen where she could help him get to where he wanted to be, but he hadn’t counted on her wanting to take over New Faith Ministries, Inc. He hadn’t even expected her to want to be co-pastor, but she’d suddenly become obsessed with the idea. She hadn’t just wanted to partner with him equally, either. She’d wanted 51 percent. So Dillon had decided he didn’t have any other option except to destroy the church altogether. He’d known there was still a chance that Raven would send out that trashy video to the media—especially since he’d stopped her from taking his church from him. But he’d promised her that if she did, he would tell the world how she’d stolen a hundred thousand dollars from a church and had served time in prison. In the past, she’d talked about it locally and to their congregation, but Dillon would make sure everyone knew nationally, guaranteeing that she wouldn’t find employment or be able to start her own church anywhere.

  There was some good news, however, because after having Vincent pay someone to commit arson, the fire investigators hadn’t been able to determine a definite cause. They did believe that someone had set the church on fire, but they didn’t have any real evidence or promising suspects. This had been Dillon’s hope all along, and as wrong as it was, he’d still gone ahead and filed an insurance claim. He wasn’t sure when or how much he would be paid, but his goal now was to do the right thing. He didn’t know what that was exactly, but he wanted to be a better person. He no longer wanted to play with God or pretend that he’d been called to lead His people. What he wanted was to walk the straight and narrow the way his father kept telling him. This, in itself, was the real reason he had fully acknowledged his alcohol addiction and had checked himself into a twenty-eight-day treatment facility. He hadn’t wanted to, but he’d known that if he didn’t, alcohol might control him for all eternity. He would never get back to being an upstanding citizen, and he wouldn’t have an ounce of a chance with Taylor. The two of them had made the decision not to see each other until his divorce was final, but they talked all the time and were planning to be together. Dillon was also relieved to know that Miss Brenda’s surgery had gone well and so had her chemotherapy. She’d been hurt about the destruction of the church, and until the day he died, he would never tell her—or another living soul besides Vincent—that he had masterminded it, but she still loved and supported him like a son. His dad had also kept his word in terms of being a better father, and that gave Dillon more hope than anything else. Levi and Matthew still didn’t have much to do with him, but his prayer was that they’d eventually change their minds. This had also made him realize that he needed to nix his grudge against his former fiancée, Melissa. It was hard, but if he was truly going to try to live his life right, he knew he had to.

  Then there was his dear, beloved sister Alicia, who’d finally gotten the help she needed. To this day, though, he still wondered what he could have said or done to help her before she’d nearly killed herself. Months had passed, yet Dillon couldn’t shake the guilt he felt. Especially since he’d always known Alicia struggled with her past. But thank God Levi had shown up when he had. Alicia was doing well, and Dillon couldn’t be happier for her.

  So now, all he had to do was figure out how he was going to live the rest of his life. Right now, his father paid the rent and utilities at the apartment he’d been forced to move into, but he knew he had to become self-sufficient. Whether he found a job or started some lucrative business, he had to be responsible. He had to map out a plan to take care of himself and become a great provider for Taylor, the woman he loved and was going to marry. She and his family were the reason he had a future to look forward to, and for that, he was grateful. For whatever reason, God had seen fit to bless him in spite of his awful sins, and a person couldn’t ask for any more than that. He wouldn’t expect anything more, either, he would just be thankful. He would try to be satisfied and content from now on.

  Alicia and Levi lay in bed holding each other close.

  Levi sniffled, and Alicia wondered why.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  “Three months have passed, and I still wonder: What if I hadn’t come straight home that night? I just can’t imagine what my life would be like now.”

  “But you did come home, and I’m right here. And we’re always going to be together.”

  “I know that, but I still can’t help thinking about it sometimes. I’ve always told you that you’re the love of my life, but that night at the hospital changed everything. My love for you rose to a level I didn’t even know existed. I finally get how it must feel to not want to go on without someone. And I don’t ever want to find out.”

  Now tears fell from Alicia’s eyes. “I love you exactly the same. I always have.”

  Alicia and Levi had been through so much, but strangely enough, they were more in love than before. Alicia knew it sounded odd and that most people would never understand her reasoning, but while her near–suicide attempt had been the worst thing that had ever happened to her, it had also been the best thing. The reason: Like so many others who had successfully taken their own lives, she’d been in denial, was too ashamed to talk about her symptoms, and thought she’d soon get better. Alicia knew all of the above was possible because she’d walked around with a serious form of psychosis for two whole years—and hidden it from everyone who cared about her. Both Levi and Dillon had seen signs of trouble, but they’d never imagined she was having audible hallucinations. When Phillip had died, she’d become depressed, yet she’d learned to live with it. She’d become functional and very good at smiling and pretending to be happy when she was supposed to. Her marriage had still suffered, but she’d somehow found a way to make it through the day-to-day motions. Then, by having her worst psychotic episode ever, this was how Levi had learned the truth. He’d been closer to home than she’d realized, and he’d stopped her from pulling the trigger. To this day, Alicia knew for sure that she never would have found the courage to tell him or get the help she needed. So having the truth come out had freed her from carrying a burden that had become heavier and deadlier than she’d imagined. The hard part, though, had been seeing the broken, severely distraught looks on her parents’ faces when they’d arrived at the hospital. They’d been in total shock, and they’d blamed themselves, thinking that if they’d accepted Levi none of this would have happened. Alicia wasn’t sure if that was true or not, but as far as she was concerned, no one was at fault, and the blessing was that God had seen fit to save her life. He’d allowed her to reach her darkest and lowest point, and she’d lived to tell about it. She was now able to give testimonies to others and speak openly about the seriousness of mental illness. She was no longer ashamed of anything that had happened to her, not even her long-term hospital stay on the floor reserved for patients like her.

  And she was grateful for Dr. Brogan, too, who had still ended up referring her to a psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Kasey Meyers. Alicia now saw Dr. Meyers as a gift from God, and it hadn’t taken her long at all to diagnose Alicia with psychotic depression. Through Alicia’s online research, she had believed she might have that very illness, but because she’d experienced certain symptoms early on and some more recently, she hadn’t been sure. But after talking to and being thoroughly evaluated by Dr. Meyers, she’d learned much more than what she’d read on the Internet, some of which had deeply concerned Alicia. In short, Dr. Meyers had told her that having even one isolated occurrence of psychotic depression increased a person’s chance of becoming bipolar. It also left more opportunity for recurring episodes of PD, mania, and, like with Alicia, even suicide.

  So by covering up her symptoms and acting as though she were well, she’d set herself up for more harm than good. She also couldn’t agree with Levi more as far as the damage people did when they were miserable or d
epressed, and from now on, she would be an open book—not just about her illness but about everything. She wouldn’t care what people said or thought about her, she would merely be honest about who she was and how she was feeling. She would stand in her truth and not waver from it for anyone.

  This was also what she hoped for her brother Dillon. He’d spent time at a treatment facility, and he went to AA meetings regularly. He seemed to be doing well, but Alicia and Levi were still saddened by the church fire. They’d tried to figure out why anyone would want to burn down the Lord’s house, even more so because they hadn’t received any threats, and to this day, there was no motive and no arrests. It didn’t make sense to anyone, but they, the same as Dillon, had found a way to accept what had happened. It had been a huge loss to all the members of New Faith, but as God would have it, their dad had stepped in and helped in every way he could. He’d even taken on the task of holding a third service at his church to accommodate all the members of New Faith. Deliverance Outreach’s new building would be finished in another three months, though, and once that happened everyone would be able to worship together. It was interesting how things had turned out, too, because not only had their dad and Dillon become closer, Dillon had become a member of their dad’s church. He never talked about being a pastor anymore, but he attended service weekly. Alicia knew that when Dillon had led New Faith, he’d wanted to become the largest church in the city, but because of the arson attack, Deliverance still held that position.

  So life was good. Alicia was taking her medication on schedule, preparing to write again, and Levi worked at Deliverance for her father. This was yet another blessing and great miracle from God, and it just went to show what could happen when forgiveness became the center of a person’s life. Mistakes had been made, resentment had taken root, and there had seemed to be no possibility of reconciliation. This hadn’t just been the case for Alicia’s dad and her husband, either. It had become a way of life for all of them. Now everyone tried to get along and love each other the way they should. Matthew and Levi still had work to do when it came to having a relationship with Dillon, but Alicia believed with all her heart that it would happen. Because of her faith and trust in God’s promises, she had to. Many times she’d heard her father say that God was true to His Word, and thus far, she hadn’t seen otherwise. Maybe things didn’t happen when she wanted them to, but at some point they finally did—if it was in God’s will, of course.

  So it was all of that—her love, trust, and faith in God—that she would continue to count on. She would hold those sentiments for dear life—always.

  If you, a family member, or a friend need help with symptoms of mental illness, please call (800) 950-NAMI (6264). You may also contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) online at

  nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-HelpLine.

  Acknowledgments

  As always, I thank God for absolutely everything. I also thank all my family members who continue to support me in a huge way: my dear husband, Will, of 25 years; my brothers, Willie, Jr. (and April) and Michael (and Marilyn) Stapleton; my stepson and daughter-in-law, Trenod and Tasha Vines-Roby, our grandchildren, Alex (Lamont) and Trenod, Jr. and the rest of my family (Tennins, Ballards, Lawsons, Stapletons, Youngs, Beasleys, Haleys, Romes, Greens, Robys, Garys, Shannons, and Normans). I love each and every one of you with all my heart.

  To my first cousin and fellow author, Patricia Haley-Glass (and Jeffrey), my best friends, Kelli Tunson Bullard and Lori Whitaker Thurman, and my cousin, Janell Francine Green. You four ladies are my sisters for life, and I love you dearly. Also, Kelli, thank you for giving this book such a fitting title! To my loving spiritual mom, Dr. Betty Price and my spiritual sisters (the Price daughters), Angela Evans, Cheryl Price, and Stephanie Buchanan—I love you all.

  To the 19 family members and friends who so graciously traveled all the way to Jamaica to attend Will’s and my 25th anniversary vow renewal ceremony: Trenod & Latasha Vines-Roby, Jeffrey and Patricia Haley-Glass, Bianca Roby, Pastor Brian and Kelli Bullard, Lori Thurman, Venita Sockwell Owens, Ben Walker, Gwyn Gulley, Charles Brown, Clint and Venae Jackson, Kasondra McConnell, Kaprisha Ballard, Kiara Bullard, Connie Dettman, and Linda Duggins. Will and I are forever grateful, and we will never forget your kind generosity. You all helped make our anniversary trip our best ever, and we love you so very much.

  To my attorney, Ken Norwick, my amazing publisher, Hachette/Grand Central Publishing—Beth de Guzman, Linda Duggins, Jamie Raab, Elizabeth Connor, Caroline Acebo, Maddie Caldwell, Stephanie Serabian, the entire sales and marketing teams, along with everyone else at GCP; and to my talented freelance team: Connie Dettman, Luke LeFevre, Pamela Walker-Williams, and Ella Curry—thank you for everything and then some!

  To all the bookstores and retailers, every media organization, website, and blog who sells and/or promotes my work, and to all the fabulous book clubs that select my novels for their monthly discussions—thank you a thousand times over!

  To all my fabulous readers—you are the people who make writing worthwhile, and I am forever indebted to all of you.

  Much love and God bless you always,

  Kimberla Lawson Roby

  E-mail: kim@kimroby.com

  Facebook: Facebook.com/kimberlalawsonroby

  Twitter: @KimberlaLRoby

  Instagram: Instagram.com/kimberlalawsonroby

  Periscope: @kimberlalawsonroby

  Also by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  The Reverend Curtis Black Series

  The Ultimate Betrayal

  The Prodigal Son

  A House Divided

  The Reverend’s Wife

  Love, Honor, and Betray

  Be Careful What You Pray For

  The Best of Everything

  Sin No More

  Love & Lies

  The Best-Kept Secret

  Too Much of a Good Thing

  Casting the First Stone

  Standalone Titles

  Best Friends Forever

  A Christmas Prayer

  The Perfect Marriage

  Secret Obsession

  A Deep Dark Secret

  One in a Million

  Changing Faces

  A Taste of Reality

  It’s a Thin Line

  Here & Now

  Behind Closed Doors

  Reading Group Guide

  Dillon Whitfield Black decides to become a pastor and start his own church despite not being called by God. How does this affect his ability to really become a changed, better person? Do you think that his drinking and cheating are the reason he’s fallen off the path? Or are they just a symptom of a false calling?

  Alicia doesn’t like Raven from the beginning. Do you agree with Alicia? Why or why not? Do you believe Raven’s childhood is the reason she treats people the way she does?

  Even though she knows there is something wrong, Alicia is too ashamed to tell anyone about the voice in her head. Do you think this is the case for many people who struggle with mental illness? Should Alicia’s family have done more to help her?

  Despite saying that he truly loves Raven, Dillon repeatedly cheats on her. Do you think it’s really love? Have you been in a situation where you hurt someone you thought you loved? If so, please share why you handled things this way.

  Alicia has an especially hard time being separated from her family, but she feels strongly that she shouldn’t have anything to do with them until they accept Levi fully. Do you agree with her? Why or why not? Have you ever had to stand up to friends or family to support someone you love? If so, what was the outcome?

  Alicia’s mother eventually sees the error of her judgment of Levi. Why do you think it takes so much longer for Curtis Black to change his mind? Do you think you could have forgiven Levi despite the mistakes he and Alicia made?

  Dillon’s drinking and cheating escalate after interactions with his father. How do you think his relationship with his father affects his relationship with God? What advice would you give t
o someone in this situation?

  Were you surprised at Raven’s reaction to Dillon’s cheating? Do you think this justifies the way she treats him as her husband? Why do you think that Raven doesn’t learn from her mistakes and change?

  Even today, many people don’t believe women should be pastors. So what are your feelings on the subject?

  More than once, Levi stresses the importance of getting help after a traumatic situation even if you feel fine, but Alicia doesn’t listen. Do you think there is a stigma related to mental illness and PTSD? And is there enough awareness about how to talk to a loved one or know when it’s time to see a professional? What advice would you give someone who you knew or suspected was suffering from mental illness?

  Given Alicia and Levi’s history, are you happy that they are finally married? Why or why not? Do you think their marriage will survive for years to come?

  Were you surprised that Curtis was finally able to forgive Alicia, Levi, and Dillon and bring them back into the family fold? Why do you think this happened? Are you happy that they repaired their relationships? Do you think it will last?

  Thank you for buying this ebook, published by Hachette Digital.

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  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Welcome

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3