The Microcosm

by Maureen Duffy

  look after her my boy youve stolen the best secretary i ever had mr carrol said and all the others were so mad. i could tell you a thing or two but youll soon find out and i was frightened and fascinated at the same time reading a book i got from church in a brown paper cover on getting married in the train in the mornings and thinking at last id be on my own and away from home and mother couldnt go on at me any more about getting married because id done it all by myself. but daddy never liked him. hes too rough for my little princess and he nearly didnt come to the wedding until i cried and then he said he would but she didnt though i wrote only sent a telegram with love as always and that beautiful wooden dish carved like a leaf and what the hells that supposed to be for he said but i kept it in the sideboard all the same and sometimes in the afternoon id pick it up and feel the smoothness of it like the smoothness of tanned skin smelling of pine trees. once i tried to talk to him about her but he said she sounded bossy and not his idea of a woman he didnt like them too brainy anyway and he never knew i had such cranky ideas it was time i grew up and how about a little on the sofa but i wouldnt let him. youre better now dear ill leave you for a little the other patients will be wanting elevenses. sister.

  gone away. lost. guy guy guy stick him up high. what do i mean. mustnt close my eyes or im back in the dark. why do you always want the light off. cant you stand the sight of me. all the same you prissy missy private school where you never learnt nothing anything you think i should say but nothing thats what you learnt and thats what you are. should have known i suppose there was a catch in it somewhere they dont give you all that class for nothing make you pay through the nose. you dont like me marie you dont even like me but you wont run to mama and say you made a mistake and can you please come home because you dont like her anymore than me. in fact we understand each other your mother and me though shes a cow she knows what she wants and she gets it and that i understand and right now she wants a grandchild so i reckon wed better get on with it because shes going to win in the end whether you want to co-operate or not youll find yourself with a little pacey for her to dress up and dandle. that first night i thought you were a princess a sea princess sitting there wrapped round in a foam of a nightdress just like dear daddy always called you until i found out id got a bloody mermaid and how do you fuck a bloody mermaid as the indian said how. you hurt me. i provide dont i for god’s sake were luckier than most we have a house and a car television washing machine fridge vaccuum cleaner radiogram cocktail cabinet with electric mixer and granny only too glad to baby sit whenever you want to go out dears. but why should i have a baby for everyone else its supposed to be my baby and i ought to say when i want it. its our baby and we say look you have this baby and ill leave you alone i swear ever after if you want it like that and you dont ask what i do well be like brother and sister only you dont ask what i do because a man has to do something. christ what a mess only dont look at me so hurt with those big eyes full of salt tears as if i beat you or something i dont beat you no one can say i do not even dear daddy.

  he beat me with a big stick i never knew it was so big it frightened me. and there was only once just once early in the morning when i was still half asleep and i didnt understand what was happening and id been dreaming about her and there we were on holiday like it always is in the dreams lying on the warm sand side by side listening to the water eyes closed and voices drifting by from a long way off and she took my hand but she never did it wasnt true and i started to wake up and he was saying there that didnt hurt did it lying with his arms round me and saying quietly that didnt hurt did it theres a good little princess and the back of my legs all wet and sticky and he put his hand round in front and touched me there and i felt. he never did it again because he didnt have to but he was very good while i was carrying the baby when i was so sick and he got up first in the morning and held me over the washbasin and i thought i dont want this baby but ive wished sometimes since we could have another and i wouldnt mind being sick because he was nice to me then but though ive let him once or twice nothing happened and now we dont bother at all and i dont ask.

  and when they first put you in my arms i thought what an ugly little baby you were skinny and red with anger. no mother i wasnt angry only afraid and when they put me in your arms i wanted to stop crying but they wouldnt let me stay there they took me away and put me in a cot by myself and it was lonely and light after the warmth of your body and they brought me a bottle when all i wanted was to snuggle up to you like kittens do to the soft bellied fur of the she cat but you wouldnt let me and i knew then youd never love me. and what about you. i tried i did try because i knew how she would feel my unloving through the warm cocoon of the swaddling clothes seeping like a chill damp into her little bones and she was a lovely baby not red at all but almost smiling and i thought shes mine really and they cant take her away though that was after when the pain stopped. relax mrs pacey theres nothing to worry about you ladies are doing this every day. try to remember the things you learnt at the clinic and your husband can stay with you for a little while theres plenty of time yet. and mother had said youll find out then and they were all so keen on this baby but i was the one who was having it. relax they said everyone has to go through with it theres nothing you can do now and you complained enough these last couple of months about being so fat swaying when you walked like an old crone with the dropsy not the slim warm young girl on the hot sand.

  close your eyes in the dark behind the lids there is only pain the flash of exploding suns behind the pressed membrane the load of the loins bearing you down tearing at your flesh a passage for the malformed head the stunted limbs and wizened image of your own anger that will look back at you. the hours pass waiting for pain holding pain sliding down into darkness dragging up steeps into more pain. sister. keep going dear youre doing fine. suppose it doesnt love me like everyone else. but she will ill make her shes mine. why doesnt she come perhaps shes dead already dead inside me corruption slowly destroying me with her corruption. daddy help me but he didnt help. no more no youre hurting me. for god’s sake let it be quick now no more please no more help me someone you cant keep calling for sister think of the other patients. but i need her help me. shes busy cant run after as if you were a child still. somethings you have to do on your own somethings other people cant help you with or do for you. time you grew up time you stood on your own two feet time you time. what time is it. still light in the window square but you cant see whats beyond unless you get up out of bed and go across to. but you dont want to get up the limbs weary lie heavy under the pall of the counterpain. only the eyes still move flick from side to side like an adder’s tongue questing. the body feels nothing numb. dead. but i did feel something once. that was a long time ago now you only feel pain. why arent there bars no bars. dont they want to keep me in. didnt i. why dont you get up and look out of the window. with the wall she said cutting across everything. and on the other side of the wall there is a. but i cant get up im having a baby. why doesnt it come. the pain again. it doesnt come because you dont want it because youre still a baby yourself an ugly skinny baby red with anger. not anger no mother i only wanted. they put me in a cold hard cot my body is light and small i am become the sheets that cover me iam flowing into space i am becoming air nothing.

  why do you shy away why dont you ever. and over the wall there is. i dont understand. you wont face it you mean. relax let it happen. why should i. i dont want this baby its not mine i dont want to be a mother. mother. dont want to be a woman. a woman is pain you hurt me i suffer. the passive voice. passus sum. that Latin mistress we had with the cropped hair and straight back like a centurion. mistress. caesar’s lie in silken tents perfumed the white horses stamp in the warm animal dark snuffling the velvet night i lean above him pouring wine my breasts open the spice islands wafted on the. you are new i think from egypt my lord and the scent of her skin distracted me from my parchments the drying ink turned to powder in the horn. my cup was filled to overflowing my lord i a
m your handmaiden you may use me as you. sit over there marie while i fetch the drinks. and in the fulness of her time she brought forth a.

  a girl. trust you to have a girl you knew i wanted a boy. what use are girls to anyone look at you. you knew i wanted a boy. but shes lovely guy look at her. trust you having a girl cant you ever do anything i want. it was you you as much as me you made the baby. but you made it a girl wanting a girl just to spite me. no guy no. dont tell me you didnt think about it morning noon night calling it my little girl little darling myself. not that no. didnt you make a girl child in your mind moulding the wax with soft fingers until the flesh formed so tentacles of thought playing caressing the little body until it was content to stay there instead of thrusting on into the male. not myself no. i wanted a boy.

  he wanted a boy but you didnt did you. he was right. in the back of your mind somewhere out of sight hidden behind desire where right and need and the proper way of going about things a boy first and then a girl couldnt reach you hunt you down force you to do again what youd always done what was wanted of you because youre weak you know you are dependent clinging like it says in the books you should be right there you formed the image of a girl child but not of yourself thats why you could cry out thats not true with all the force of someone who says what she knows is not of yourself but of someone to quite different. someone to love me. and what kind of a little girl did you want then that would love you. i dont understand. its time you did. i dont know what you mean. dont you after all i am part of you too as you know even though you havent often admitted me. who are you what are you doing here ill ring the bell ill call sister. and what would she tell you except that i have as much right to be heard as the other one whos always had your ear with an insidious whisper you dont like me because i might say things you dont want to hear or know things you think youve done better without thats why youve kept me quiet all this time. who let you in. dr bailey with his needle. but it wasnt his needle it was hers. who let me in then. i dont know dont understand. you cant go on saying that you know you did when you. no i didnt. you opted out tried to close the door on consciousness and let me in. i didnt know. yes you did youve always known or ive known for you its all the same thing. go away. send me you brought me here shut me up in these walls with you and now i cant get out anymore than you can now youve let me in i can only go out when you do. what do you want. no you cant get out of it that way its what you want that matters thats all i want to know what you really want then i can go. leave me alone for god’s sake. i cant you wont let me.

  close your eyes. where are you. i am at the bottom of a deep bowl with slippery sides polished darkly burnished. i lie in the thick shadows clustered like lees dregs the walls rising steep above my head around me in the thick dark the shuffle of paws lumber of limbs murmers from twisting animal throats corded with muscle short-necked bull and bear to tear the flesh must get out but the sides are polished i slip back scrabble spreadeagled like a spider against the side of the bath with the snuffling breathing at my back yelp of wolf and hyena. what are you trying to escape from feel around the walls there may be something youve missed.

  missed lost gone away never. maries woolgathering again down among the. have you noticed mrs pacey when she walks about doing her shopping shes either just staring or shes muttering to herself poor young man. she just stands there in front of the shop window or the counter staring and when the assistant asks her what she wants she looks at her so strange as if she doesnt know where she is or what shes doing there sometimes i wonder if she knows who she is and then shell say pardon i dont understand or even once i didnt understand such a pretty little thing when they first came to live here and her poor husband it was after the child was born some women do go a bit funny after their first and its no wonder hes never there not that i hold with such ways of going on and enough to drive the poor little thing such a dear little girl they have too and so knowing an old head on young shoulders and seen too much if you ask me. the dwarf women dragging their trundle baskets full of stones and rubble along the pavement galleries of the high street are wispering behind your back as you pass among them in their midget world of treasure trove windows bowing their shoulders dragging their arms from the sockets as they fill their bags with empty tins and cartons plastic flowers papier mache fruit and flesh good only for the eyes to glut on plumping the belly with wind. you have seen them jerking their puppet arms and legs the mouths opening and shutting in the painted wooden faces the sudden sag when you pierce their rag doll bodies with your keen glance and their emptiness trickles out onto the pavement. you have gone home with your basket half empty opening the door into the hostile house which has been waiting for you the furniture malevolently poised to begin the sniggering skitter across the polished parquet behind your back and when you turn there is only the shadow of a movement the chairs stand quite still thrusting their angles at you the central heating gurgles insolently. upstairs the cistern flushes aggressively into the silence many waters have gone. switch on a flickering cascade of light music a spray of quavering notes falling on the dusty reaches of the morning coffee would be nice sit there marie while i but you do not make yourself coffee. you stare through the french windows into the garden where a child has scribbled flowers and grass and the straggling branches of the forsythia or is it jessamine a drowned maiden’s hair plants without roots stuck in the ground that die at a rough touch of sun and wind and tumble their leafless skeletons about the lawn only the forsythia persists pricking out its yellow stars in the spring or is it jessamine.

  pull yourself together maries down among again and soon it will be time to fetch the child from the nursery. you must prepare the meal guy will be home wanting his tea and the child whats the time. the clock is a liar its hands charge you with ten to three with two hours wandering in the arid garden. the clocks a liar. careful someone might hear you look round quickly did they hear only the house heard you mustnt start talking to yourself theyll think youre think about the tea what did you get this morning. i dont remember. look in the basket. eggs. eggs. eggs will do on toast.

  does it always have to be eggs cant your little head dream up something else just once in a while or is it too full of other great ideas to worry about such a little thing like what the familly eats from day to day what goes on in there anyway or am i too insensitive to be told to make even a shot at understanding eggs youll have me as broody as yourself soon. theres a lot of goodness in an egg an egg contains the germ of life and sufficient nourishment for the developing embryo eggs are egceptional. you hear that little girl you hear what your mother says shes the clever one im just dull brutish et tu brute only i bring home the wherewithal to keep her daydreaming down among the here what else does madame want the kids at nursery school the treasure comes in twice a week to do theres nothing to burden you but a little shopping and the tea to get something to think of for tea and all you can come up with day after bloody day is an egg i dont want anymore bloody eggs do you hear dont let me come home to see an egg on this table again not in any shape or form broiled flied blotched or mangled the very sight of one turns me.

  im tired guy i cant think of anything anymore. tired but you dont do anything how can you be tired. limbs drag the mind runs down or races out of time tic toc tic toc the blood thickens in the veins stirs sluggish coagulates in the flat arteries lies heavy behind the muddy eyes or pounds under the taut skin sit over there marie on the hot sand. cant we go away guy this year youre always going away but i never go anywhere just this house. careful dont let the words scream stream through the steam whistle kettles boiling. turn that bloody thing off. cant we guy cant we. turn it off. cant we. for christ’s sake turn it thats better now what is it you want. go away all three of us this year a holiday a change something new. theres nothing new every place is the same ive seen them all. o i dont know. what do you know youve never been anywhere take it from me theyre all the same. i went to Italy once it was different the warm sand sunwashed walls beside the. yeah you
told me its no change for me im driving about all day up and down roads between hedges under bridges its all the same you seen one place you seen them all in this country and who wants to go carting abroad when what i like is to get home sit in the garden in a deckchair sleep for a fortnight knowing i neednt touch that wheel neednt move that lethal machine out of the garage for two whole weeks.

  we could go by train you neednt drive we could go south to the seaside beside the seaside you could lie on the beach all day there and sleep in the sun. and how much would a little jaunt like that cost every bit i slave all the year round to save money down the throat of some ginny old bag of a landlady paying a whole fortune to greasy i-tight cafe owners for egg and chips i get every night of the year at home for nix. wont they think it strange if we dont take the baby for a holiday now shes old enough to enjoy it other people do i met the manager in the high street the other day and he said. i know i know what he said because he repeated it all in my ear poured it in he did just as soon as he got the chance emptied the lot how she was just like you and how fond hed been of you the best little secretary hed ever had he should see you now about this place miss efficiency but the child looked a bit pale come to think of it he said you were both a wee thing peaky as if it was my fault as if i didnt give you everything a woman could ask. then youll take us. youre cunning my god youre cunning. but she isnt like me shes fair arent you darling mummy’s little golden princess thats why the gentleman thought she looked a bit pale. alright ill take you hell what else can i do if i want to keep my job not to be put down as the cruel wicked father of a lovely familly who doesnt know when hes well off. daddys going to take us to the seaside o we do like to be beside dont we darling and she shall play on the beach and make sandcastles and run into the sea with mummy were going down to the sea like tom shes going to be a water baby down to the sea with the eels and the merfolk and the fishes of the deep the aenemones waving their tentacles the darting shrimps she shall catch in her little net and the scuttling crabs hiding in the weed curtains along the breakwater and you shall build palaces for your delight and watch the sun set over the water and the waves leap.