The Microcosm

by Maureen Duffy

  for christ’s sake marie shes only a kid filling her head with all that junk no wonder shes so bloody precocious let her do normal healthy things like any other kid for once you make an old woman of her talk to her as if she were your own age. who else is there to talk to youre not here much. not that again for god’s sake were not starting on that one again. you come in for your tea and then you go off out again for the rest of the night every night and i cant even go round to see my mother. we agreed didnt we that was the arrangement and anyway you were eager enough to get away from her and now you want to be running round there all the time. its not that you know it isnt that theres nowhere else i can go why do you make me feel guilty why do you always make me feel guilty all the time.

  because you are guilty arent you guy couldnt make you feel guilty if you didnt know somewhere inside yourself that you are what did you do. nothing i didnt do anything. then perhaps you should have is that it. i never did understand. didnt you are you sure about that and now look inside yourself look deep down inside what do you see. nothing theres nothing there nothing happened. and if it had. its full of maggotts like that hot summer the dustbin lid didnt fit properly and when the men had been to empty it i looked inside and there they were at the bottom heaving and squirming alive with them it was. over the wall there is a i dont know i dont understand.

  and how are you getting on mrs pacey sister tells me you were rather unhappy at first but you seem to be better now. dr bailey beareth the bell away. im sorry i didnt quite catch that. its a joke something we learnt at school the bailey beareth the bell away only it isnt a real bell of course. what do you think it is mrs pacey. its the weight i seemed to be carrying a great weight about with me sometimes in my head sometimes inside me low down dragging me down but it isnt there anymore at least only sometimes youve taken it away i was frightened of you too when i first came here but im not now. and what about sister. sister i didnt have a sister only a mother i used to hate my mother. and dont you now. no not now. and what about your father. im not afraid of him now either its funny they dont seem to exist anymore. is there anything else. yes theres still something. what is it do you know. no you cant know because if you did you would have to. what would you have to mrs pacey what would you have to do. but you mustnt they wont let you never. close your eyes again relax let your thoughts come slowly drift into the mind dont try to hurry them or let them worry you remember that most of the things we are taught to think of as wrong or are afraid of are perfectly normal parts of ourselves and should be accepted as such.

  relax for god’s sake. but when will we get there guy soon. another half hour and we should see the sea then its a long run down into the town and a climb up to the hotel. see the sea hear that darling well see the sea arent you excited. youll have all the sea you want in the next fortnight and mind you asked for it im sticking the wagon straight in the hotel garage and there it can stay if it rains youll find me on tour a crawl round every bar in this town what you and the kid do is up to you just ask for the man with the driest throat. you wont leave me every evening will you guy. not every evening you can come with me sometimes but no questions on my nights out remember the old arrangement that way well all be happier ive done my job ive brought you here and its my holiday as much as yours.

  and you were happy there werent you. yes i was happy. the weather was kind sun shone sunsplashed along the sandy beach even guy was kinder. i knew it was a good idea to come. yeah well pass me that suntan oil before im all cooked up say when you look at me im not in bad shape considering. he liked lying there beside you watching the girls pass behind his dark glasses like being at a peepshow what the butler saw and the baby playing in the sand digging and building filling her plastic bucket with sea treasures pale fluted cockle shells and glass gems worn smooth by the abrasive buffing of stone against stone, silver bells and cockle shells and pretty and you ate ices and gritty sandwiches and lay in the sun with your eyes closed feeling the warmth soothing the bruised eyelids the weariness oozing out of your mind draining through your skin into the porous sand flowing down from fingers and toes in little rivulets that trickled into the sea and the waters themselves washed in through your ears the waves breakers through the empty caverns in your head where the air had grown stagnant and foetid leaving them cleansed and rimed with salt that gleamed whitely in the new sunlight fresh shingle coating the slimy floors where you had slithered and lost your footing as the healing waters receded. you lay a little apart from guy your eyes closed against the dark curls that frothed around the bluish skin that crept up his chest and over his shoulders leapt down his arms and spent themselves at the base of his large knuckles.

  it was the third day you saw the young man little more than a boy a smooth boy prinking on the sand posturing in narrow striped trunks on the almost skyline behind you where the wind bent the tufts of coarse sea grass and flailed them cat-o-nine-tails across his ankles and he was all the youth youd seen in the expensive art books youd pawed through in the reference library painted and photographed hacked out of stone or moulded in metal david or flandrin’s boy crouched his head buried in his arms the vulnerable neck and hair the muscular thighs and ankles you were aware of him before of course a day before you turned to look you lay on the sand not looking over your shoulder purposely not turning your head til your neck ached with not turning but knowing he was there every morning he came down spread out his black towel with white zigzags stretched himself hitched his red striped trunks briefs so you could almost but not quite see but you didn’t look went down to dip a toe in the sea exclaimed nodded smiled looked about him for sympathy caught your eyes and swift away you lay back watching the travelling eyes after his every turn ran sparkling up the beach shed-ding water diamonds that darkened the sand with heavy drops like tears draped the zigzag towel about him pouted at the chill and whip of sandthong and lay back the sun glinting a dozen eyegems from the polished skin browning in the light.

  guy. yeah pass me the sun oil. you see that boy well not really boy. which boy o that one yeah so what. well. thinks a lot of himself but hes only a kid. yes. you fancy him do you well thats the first time i ever known you to take an interest in by god i could be jealous if i wasnt so tickled to see you perking up at some hairless kid some little show-off ill tell you something about him i reckon. yes guy what. o never mind you wait and see thats all yes you wait and see and you bet im right. but you went on watching out of the corner hes after the girls you thought prinking like that a pretty boy like that after the little girls his own age not an old married woman but im not old really i married young im after all guy does but with a teenager a boy almost young enough to be your and still looking like a girl not even old enough to and so you watch him conscious that you too were standing up to smooth the towel under you taking the child by the hand to lead her along the beach in search of more treasure left high and dry at the tide levels popweed and curious driftwood shaped by the knifeblade seas pared and whittled by the rocks rubbed down by fine sand and a slipper limpet for a princess’s foot. look darling its like a little pink shoe put it in your bucket lets see if we can find another one to make a pair.

  yet no girls came to keep him company they drifted past in twos and threes dawdling giggling waiting for him to call them so they could stop and turn with a what did you say the formal announcement that the game is on but the words were never thrown down he watched them silently turning over on his stomach if they lagged too obviously the defensive eyes shielded by the smokescreen sunglasses on the fifth day you had gone with the child to buy chocices and when you came back there were two of them sitting side by side on their towels chatting and smoking the second boy even smoother and fairer than the first and you were caught off guard for a moment stood still the child’s question unanswered. why does the chocolate melt mummy when the inside is still hard ive frozen my tongue. and first there was a sharp pang like an icicle inserted deftly into the soft flesh of the belly and passing straight through the intestines leaving
a flush of cold oozing through the neat hole while you thought i could have been his friend we could have said so much now theyll hunt together to give each other confidence youll see when the next pair of girls pass youre an old married woman who cares about you. mummy ive frozen my tongue will it unfreeze again mummy why dont you eat your ice doesnt daddy like ices. you sat down beside guy looking towards the water that had suddenly found a steely glitter under the sun’s flat eye and began to strip the foil wrapper from your ice noting with a corner of the mind that it was called gaytime some gaytime i have. i see your boyfriend’s found himself a girlfriend at last hes tried hard enough guy sat up suddenly scattering grit and pebbles. dont be silly its a boy. he turned and stared slowly cooly at them well so it is at least its hard to tell whos which out of that pair. im going for a swim coming. he stood up dusting the sand out of the curls on his legs hitching his trunks so that his rose in sharp relief every detail and you looked away quickly hoping no-one else had seen no ill just sit here you go it looks too cold to me hastily closing your eyes and lying back you didn’t look at them again.

  they werent on the beach when you got there in the morning the child insisting as children do that you should all go to the same spot every day investing it with the immunity of a ritual the magic circle in which nothing could go wrong where the sand must be soft the sun shine a child be good and happy all play long though you had wanted to sit somewhere else not to see them anymore for today he would find someone today courage doubled with his new friend he would hunt down one of the giggling coquetting girls and lie with her beside him on the skyline silhouetted on your horizon.

  you didnt want to see you were glad they werent there and when at last they came wandering along the beach swinging their towels and bundles of clothes thonged round with their trouser belts you felt suffocated your mouth full of hot sand bodies pressing you close. here lets sit here again he said giving his friend a push who collapsed laughing into the sand grabbing at his leg to pull him down beside him where they wrestled playfully as you thought only you were aware of a sudden tension that wasnt in the books youd read at school where jones minor punched smith minimus in the ribs and tumbled him in the quad and then they fell back in the sand and lay quite close and you saw or thought you saw fingers touch for a moment and you didn’t understand. guy. yeah. those two boys. what about them what are they doing holding hands. i dont understand. hell marie for god’s sake dont you know anything theyre a coupla queers. you mean theyre strange in some way. i said queer honey not strange you know pansies homos do i have to spell it men who go with men. but guy how can they. i dont know they just do id have thought that posh school of yours might have told you some of the whys and wherefors you know biology psychology and all that stuff. but what do they i mean. hell how should i know im not like that i could find out if you like the little fair one rather fancies me ive noticed him looking they say they like married men then they can behave just like a woman you know. guy. well you asked me so now you know you get the picture and you thought he fancied you theres the real laugh of it women always like sissy boys they can mother.

  somehow the feeling of suffocation had gone you no longer felt hemmed in almost relieved freed in some way though from time to time you looked their way to see what they were doing and in the afternoon when the child said lets go for a walk mummy you were glad to follow her along the water’s edge stepping through the warm shallows once you turned and looked back picking out guy from among me other bodies stretched in the sun and you thought thats my husband and i dont care i dont feel a thing i could go on walking along this beach and never go back never see him again and never even think of him and there was freedom in that thought too only the child stumping through the little ripples that splayed out over the ribbed sea-sand carried significance in front of you in the small strong body thats my life my real life you thought and no ones going to spoil things for her shes going to do and have as i never. havent we come a long way mummy you and me all by our selves i cant see daddy anywhere but it doesnt matter because theres you and me here. theres daddy over there darling. doesnt he look little you can hardly see hes daddy mummy do you have to like everybody. not everybody darling you cant possibly there are too many of them. i like you best in the whole world.

  stop her your heart thudding at a child’s unconscious words she doesnt know what shes saying dont ask it a real adult wouldnt need to but why shouldnt i theres nothing else they took it all away. better than granny and grampy darling. better than anyones else. but granny gives you nice biscuits and sweets. but she doesnt mean it mummy i wont ever have to go and live with granny will i. why should you think that darling. theres a girl in our class lives with her granny all the time i wouldnt ever want to live with somebody else when i grow up i shall always live with you wont i. if you want to. and then when daddy goes away it wont matter. look darling the tides coming in your castle will be all washed away. why cant we stay here always mummy i like it here you like it too dont you youre happy here and daddys here too. we have to go home so that daddy can earn more money and then we can come back next year. but we dont have to go yet do we we have an whole other week first. yes darling another whole week look how quickly the tides coming in now the little waves dashing over the sand further and further in.

  whats that mummy what are you drawing its a lady and a man who are they have they got names is it you and daddy theyll be washed away when the waves come the ladys got a funny hat on and the mans got a pipe its granny and grampy isnt it and when the waves come theyll be washed away wont they do you want them to be washed away and then when theyre washed away therell only be you and me and daddy but i cant see daddy hes only a little dot on the sand where we were sitting when will we have to go back to him when the waves come up to here.

  and the caricatures of your childhood melted and sank back into the sand under the touch of water flowing on covering and effacing the prints of the past and there was only the barely distinguishable hump that was guy as you took the child’s hand and ran together towards him along the edge of advancing water but by some trick of the light falling in your eyes as you ran he didnt seem to get any bigger was just a black smudge against the lighter sand and even as you came up to him and he looked up to you the corrosive words forming in his mouth so that for a moment you saw it full of green acid a trick of the light again from running into the sun even then he didnt seem to grow as you stood there looking down at him a rather too hairy young man who would run to a paunch soon. i see you come running back when you think its time i forked out for tea.

  he cant touch me now he cant touch me anymore and you felt free for the first time and the feeling went on growing even when you went home the child silent shut in with the inexorable that the holiday was over. but well come back darling i promise. who says ill bring you cost me a bomb it has. the child’s face puckers with misery. dont worry darling if daddy doesnt want to come well come by ourselves you shouldnt upset her shell be sick in the car and then youll be sorry. hey whats this holiday done for you. youll find out youll find out in time. you sat back watching the country fly by the window feeling easy the tension gone out of you. well you look better for your holiday i must say mrs pacey. o i feel it heaps better indeed i do. hey marie where are you going. were going for a walk to the park arent we darling. but what about my tea. o well be home by then and if were not we shant be long and you can wait til we come in or get it yourself. hell what do you think i keep a wife for. i dont know guy really dont tell me later come along darling we dont need coats its still warm enough without. so you strolled in the park together or pushed a swing to and fro in the children’s playground laughing at a ragged stray dog making friends with other mothers and children feeding the ducks on the ornamental water and coming home didnt seem so hard to her. its different now mummy why is it different nicer. because we went to the seaside.

  you dreamt that night. i am in the garden the garden that was so dry the arid dusty lawn of guy’s sunday aft
ernoon in the deckchair of my own empty mornings seen through the grit meshed french windows opening on a desert but now the windows are open the curtains flowing gently easily in a slight draught and i have gone out into the garden because a geyser of pure water fountains in the middle of the lawn streaming up into the sky above my head the water column white with the force that breaks through the crumpling earth like a muscular arm fisting through a flimsy door pane the two boys from the beach are standing hand in hand looking over the fence they nod and smile at me approvingly but it cant stay there in the middle of the lawn someone will notice they will see it on their way to shop the dwarf women and they will stare and point and whisper behing my back. we always knew she was different there was something wrong with her because she would never meet your eyes hooded turned away as if she had something to hide. but i havent we never nothing happened. and now we can see right there in the middle of the lawn and our husbands will see it too on their way home from the station and tonight at the tea-table they will say have you seen the paceys’ shush not in front of the children wait til theyve gone to bed i always knew there was something about her though youd never think it to look at her and such a pretty little thing she was when she first came here. i must cover it up ill get a big stone like a paving stone to hold it down and later we can build the child a little playground where she can play ball and no one will know but it keeps comin out round the edges of the stone i pile bricks frantically and as i go to place another a little spurt wells up under my hand and i feel the cool clean water bubble against my palm and trickle away in a brook over flat white stones among shading trees to the river the boys have gone from the fence as i sweat and carry and heap until an untidy cairn stands in the middle of the garden like a heap of rubble stained with the water seep.