The Microcosm

by Maureen Duffy

  you woke sweating but to dream it again and again still you were better as if the dream fountain was itself a release and the child grew and you with her so that you no longer seemed mother and child but two friends. of course you can ask me darling im your friend arent i. guy became a shadowy figure your mother and father no longer troubled you because they no longer existed. she should be wearing little stockings to keep her legs warm in this weather not those socks they dont cover the child’s knees. mummy i dont have to wear stockings do i. of course not darling whoever said so. granny said. did she darling i wasnt listening. but you agreed with her you said yes. did i i must have been thinking about something else. she always says things like that. yes i know thats why i dont really listen i think it doesnt mean anything except that she likes to think that she knows best about things still. like when you were a little girl. thats right perhaps ill get like that when im granny’s age. but youre not like it now and youre ever so young only sylvia’s mother is younger than you.

  yes i am young still. but you only said it to make the child give you back the answer you wanted to hear that she thought you were still among the living with possibility before you that there was no great gulf of generation between you. alright i was wrong but what else could i do what else is there. vicarious living you know it doesnt work. yes i learnt didnt i. what else have you learnt. nothing nothing at all i put all my eggs in one basket and the bottom dropped out leaving this mess and im tired of clearing up messes so i said no not anymore and you blame me. is that all. thats all. are you sure why are you keeping your eyes open lie there staring at the white walls the anonymous ceiling the counterpane. counterpain. you cant get away with that anymore youre just making it up you cant fool me i know you too well. alright then since you know it all. we both know but you wont admit it. what are you saying i dont understand. close your eyes let the images come what are you afraid of close your eyes.

  youre late tonight darling. we were having a practice. a practice. netball for the match against 2b. but youre not in the team are you. no but im the umpire. i think you might have told me couldnt someone else have been umpire. well you see we didn’t know we were going to have a practice till it rained today we should have played them at lunchtime and then it would have all been over but it was raining so we couldnt and miss stevens doesnt think we can beat them because theyre terribly good and mad keen on netball they play all the time because shes their form mistress so we have to practice very hard. how do you know she doesnt think you can win. well because we were playing today and she said wed have to do better than that to beat 2b. she was probably only saying it to make you work harder or perhaps shes a bit jealous and wants her own form to win. o no shes not like that and anyway i think she likes us best you can tell by the way she talks to you. it seems to me you do more than your share of umpiring standing still on a cold windy day like this you ought to be running about more youll be catching a chill you know how you do and then youll have to stay in bed and not go to school and that wont suit you. sometimes i wish youd never passed your eleven plus all you do these days is think about school we dont seem to have any fun anymore like we used to youre either late home or youve got homework to do and you sit up in your own room by yourself reading and im left down here watching the television by myself i shall write to miss stevens and say youre not to do so much umpiring youre to get more exercise and not stand about in the cold blowing a tin whistle. no mummy you mustnt i like it i do much better than playing i want to take my umpire’s test and besides if youre umpiring miss stevens comes and talks to you. and whats so marvellous about that. well she says interesting things shes sort of sarcastic but in a funny nice way. do you like miss stevens best then. o yes everyone does and some of her form are absolutely crazy about her i think rosemary ellis makes a fool of herself i think miss stevens likes you better if youre quieter rosemary walks to the station with her when she doesnt bring the car but they dont talk a lot because i followed them once. so thats why youre late home youre following miss stevens and rosemary and hanging about outside i expect to see if shes got her car and hoping rosemary wont be there so you can walk with her instead and who is this miss stevens anyway some stringy games mistress i expect too old to get herself a man and taking admiration from little girls with crushes. o mummy it isnt a crush i just like to talk to her and she isnt old shes about your age i think or a little younger with sort of short crinkly hair. im sick of miss stevens i dont want you to mention her even anymore the kettles boiling its head off you have your tea and go upstairs and do that important homework since thats all that matters to you and ill sit down here by myself all evening again stuck here night after night watching that damn screen til the faces are jumping in front of my eyes whats that. a form for you to fill in miss evans asked us to bring them home. the pta well im not interested i have enough of that school from you. you dont have to go ill tell miss evans you cant come. no ive changed my mind i will go and ill tell miss stevens what i think of all this umpiring and standing about.

  the child’s face shuts against you and your words no longer reach her but you hear your own voice running on a destructive stream of acid corroding the air between you eating away the bonds of years leaving only the bitter smell of spite the poison of the viper’s wound. whats the matter with me what am i saying all this for i dont understand no i mustnt say that mustnt think like that those words i dont understand unlock the door and in comes frisking its tail grinning backing me against the wall until i dont know what im doing or saying any longer like the last time and i retreat further and further down that dim corridor until there are only just the two of us alone in a dusty room where no sound penetrates from outside and even the light comes on muffled paws and i am just a shadow in a room full of shadows no longer marie or even mrs pacey no longer myself. now marie you must concentrate youll never learn to type if you dont put your mind to it ive never met anyone like you you dont seem to make the usual mistakes its your punctuation thats so poor didnt they teach you how to punctuate at school and as for caps and smalls you havent the faintest.

  and whats so good about i you wanted to ask why should it be so self-important stalking tall across the page who is this i because it isnt one locked up safely in the brainbox one individual voice i can make my own but now a chorus now a duet silence a child’s lonely crying which the i who hears cant comfort being voiceless faceless the self afraid the shadow among shadows in the dusty room alone with the i must understand because if i lose her i shall be alone again shut in myself with the voices demanding contradicting sobbing in my head until i long for silence they recede gone away no never nothing moves the room is empty even of shadows.

  what time do i have to be there. half past seven but you wont please mummy. i dont know ill see tell miss evans ill come. you hear the feet dragging up the stairs and you are alone again but this time with something to hold on to a chance. and if i say anything and she never forgives me shuts me out as she did just now better to keep calm it will pass a phase something they all go through and she will come back to you she will always be yours until dont think about that thats in the future years away and anyway she may never but this is now and i have to stop it only i must be clever mustnt let her know mustnt drive her further in make her obstinate like guy there a stronger will than mine his chin must make her think but i need her theres nothing else and weve been happy these last years just when i thought id never be again.

  what you doing to the kid marie making her old in the head and so i dont know her my own kid a stranger youll be sorry when you see what youve done in the end. you never come to see us marie i should have thought we have the right to see our only grandchild its obviously the only one youre ever likely to give us i feel sorry for guy sometimes i really do still what you do or dont do between you is your affair that shouldnt affect our position as grandparents anyone would think the child doesnt want to see her granny and grandpa though that may be true of course goodness knows what ideas you may hav
e been stuffing her head with and shes a funny bookish little thing just like you were at her age but i do think now that your father isnt well that she might be encouraged to come and see him you know how fond he was of you as a child and im sure hes just as attached hes always liked little girls better than little boys such a sensitive man.

  put on your best spring coat the evenings warmer now stone coloured with the brown velvet collar and perhaps a hat tonight your hair a little dead these last few weeks lacklustre the ends splitting hide it the anxious eyes watch in the mirror from behind the question unasked until you turn and mummy you look absolutely marvellous and so young. thank you darling you dont think ill disgrace you then. outside the house the air is still the lion of march slunk away calm before april tears they break up for easter next week shell be home all day strange to be out of the house alone in the dark guy didnt like having to stay in for once car lights beam past a quieter road now almost an avenue with trees leading to the school a dark sea overhead where branches move gently like weeds in water light from the street-lamps splashing on the sandy pavement tumbling out of the hall windows to lie in pools on the darkened flower beds and lawns push open the door a little breathlessly stand bathed dazzled in the polished bowl of the entrance a wall and two pairs of open swing doors ahead and does it matter which you choose other mothers are entering behind you standing poised as if they might turn and run until a voice reaches out and stays them one of the older girls. can i help you.

  move forward try to look at ease after all it isnt the first time youve been here you came for the interview and then again before the first term to hear about rules uniform homework possibilities and you were excited then because it was all working out as youd wanted so why this catch in the throat why is this time any different inside the hall is broken into semi-circles of chairs facing the platform where miss samuels will stand and speak you are placed on the outer horn of one of these marked for the parents of 2a but you hardly notice the nods of the other mother and father or hear the firm words she allows to fall gently into the unrippled bay of the hall you are wondering which she is and how you will know her and if you will have the chance.

  tea and biscuits will be served in a moment and you will of course wish to talk to the staff you will find they are all named so that no one can escape the sea of faces ripples evenly but dont turn your head to look for her now there will be time she is there and you will find her. shes an excellent form captain three times now and not a bit affected by it a very steady child is there anyone else you wished to see. we dont take much notice of miss evans mummy shes a bit of an old stick. miss stevens o shell be over there with her own form though i expect shell have finished with most of them now. cross the hall steadily what do you expect stand behind her for a moment while she finishes with someone else a tall father with greying hair now shes free and will turn and look at you feel you there and turn to face you. eyes catch the name pinned on your coat.

  mrs pacey you must be linda’s mother havent you had any tea yet or would you prefer coffee sit over there mrs pacey and ill fetch you something to drink. turn away stumbling sinking into the chair offered you the words the words beat in your head like surf the white light-washed walls spin as you drown green water closes over you. mustnt not here what would they all think mustnt and anyway its not the same quite different dark and she was what does it mean steady now breathe deeply there she is her back to you again just as linda described her a little younger than you and with short crinkly hair then why memory drowning i dont i dont.

  i brought you coffee now what did you want to see me about though i think i can guess you want to know how shes getting on at games because if i remember correctly i was about the only member of staff who didnt write a glowing report for linda last term. it wasnt a bad report. no but it was nowhere near as good as she had for all her other subjects this is terribly difficult there are some girls who just arent any good at games arent the athletic type by nature and linda is one of them it isnt that she doesnt try doesnt work hard she does very but im afraid she will never be in a team of any kind the only thing she is any good at is swimming she has a very steady stroke not fast but quite staying this is why im so pleased shes taken an interest in umpiring lately because it gives me something positive i can say on her report you see its very disheartening for a child and particularly a sensitive girl like linda to feel that shes doing her best trying as hard as she possibly can and not getting anywhere in fact still taking home a bad report.

  but the words are flooding over your head and youre not listening for their meaning only to the waves of sound breaking on a distant beach setting an echo booming in the empty caverns of your head you have left so long unexplored unvisited and the sting of salt in old wounds sets your flesh on edge the hair rising on the scalp pricking of sweat in the palms a million silver fish sport in your veins leaping and twisting and the trapped dolphin of the heart thuds its blunt snout against the bleached rib-cage.

  murmer something in understanding the words you would have used are dried and rattle like stranded popweed above the high water mark nothing you can do or say now except a polite thankyou and turn away cross the stone-coloured parquet floor of the hall through the righthand set of doors into the entrance past miss samuels’ room out into the dark where the wind has risen a little and the branches toss against a sky spumed with cloud look back at the hall a blazing liner run aground with a wrack of wallflowers at its bow and turn into the night. i cant go home i cant go home yet but why not why cant i and why cant i understand i must get away and think. how long did you walk you cant remember but later you were calmer the tide receded leaving you exhausted in a street not far from home and you drifted through the gate up to the front door somehow found a key opened it and went in where they were both waiting some instinct making you glance quickly at the clock and it was only half past ten a possible hour two faces one anxious the other a yawning discontent. how do i look i wonder not too. the winds getting up its quite wearing just trying to walk against it how have you got on did linda cook you a nice supper. just like you to be back at the last minute to make me miss my nightcap. o i dont know if you went now youd just make it. youre getting bloody smart on the licensing laws. he grumbles to his feet shuffles into a coat the door slams to behind him. mummy you didnt i mean. what darling miss stevens yes i spoke to her she was very nice and explained it all to me now im very tired and i think ill go to bed you should be in bed too.

  sleep didnt come as youd known it wouldnt you lay in bed and listened to the wind heard guy come in wondered at the tension that held you rigid in the cold sheets as if some cover holding down a tremendous force were about to be thrown into the air releasing the charge buried in your own flesh suppose tonight you should when guy came up for once but the image of his body and the knowledge that he would make it something hasty and meaningless pushed the thought away it had never worked before why should it now he sat downstairs for a long time hes brought something back with him you thought before he came clumsily up to bed undressed breathing heavily and fell into his bed and asleep you were alone with only his occasional grunting in the dark.

  i wanted to understand then for the first time and i tried turning it over how had i looked what had she thought of me just another of the foolish clucking mothers getting on in her thirties with dead hair and eyes. not very bright obviously hardly seemed to understand what i was saying. but im not like that not really i went to a good school i was fond of music and poetry i could have gone on to a training college too only and once i went abroad went south to the sun and all day we lay on the hot sand or splashed in the and she said sit over there marie while i but i dont understand was it the building i mean being at school again that made me think of her and where was she now teaching perhaps in a school like that or married a university wife like those you read about in the papers with two or three children lost gone away no never nothing ever happened.

  in the windy morning after theyd both gone i
went out of the house following guy’s track to the station and bought an excursion get away from it all by train hardly knowing even the most familiar name thin black letters on a white ground vacant although we went there every year now and it might hold a key an answer as it had once before but stepping out of the station i realised i had made a mistake for there was no comfort to be had from the blank eyes of boarding houses hibernating through the off season shuttered fish cafes peeling signs that beckoned in the wind to desolate amusements chained and shrouded until their easter awakening yet the beach must be the same i thought i would walk along the beach and turned against the wind better to have it with me coming back.

  what did i really want i forced the question out against the stream of air hurtling along with spray on its lips knowing that i was talking aloud but i didnt care there was no one to hear me and there was an exhilaration in thrusting my words in the teeth of the force that whirled them away in a cloud of sand only to return for more i felt as if i was on the verge of understanding as if the phrase that had echoed in my head again and again pushing me beyond the edge of reality was going to be answered as if i was strong enough to grasp the answer at last and my strength came from this battle with the wind on a deserted beach but not quite deserted ahead was a man with a dog and they too were part of the problem and the answer.