When I am happiest

by Rose Lagercrantz

  written by

  Rose Lagercrantz

  illustrated by

  Eva Eriksson

  Chapter 1

  It’s the second-to-last day of Dani’s first year at school.

  Dani’s so happy she could write a book about it!

  In fact, that’s exactly what she’s done, but unfortunately it’s not quite finished yet.

  The question is whether it ever will be.

  Now the book is in her backpack with all the other things she has to take home before the summer break.

  The only thing not yet in the backpack is the photo of Dani’s best friend in the whole world, Ella.

  This year, Ella moved to another town, thousands of roads and forests and houses away.

  Dani has had her photo on her desk since Ella left. She’s looked at it so many times it should have completely faded away.

  But luckily you can’t make photos fade just by looking at them.

  8

  Every time Dani looks at the picture, Ella gives her a fresh smile.

  This time too.

  And Dani smiles back. Then she puts the photo in her backpack.

  Now she’s almost finished with school for the year.

  In the morning it will be the very last day of school, when everyone has to put on their best clothes and sing. Dani’s going to wear the new dress her grandmother bought her.

  9

  In the shop there were two dresses Dani liked: one pale blue and one with pink stripes.

  She didn’t know which one to choose.

  11

  In the end, she sang:

  Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,

  Catch a tiger by the toe.

  If he hollers, let him go.

  Eeny, meeny…

  miny…

  moe!

  It was the blue one!

  She also got new white sandals with roses on the toes.

  Chapter 2

  Not only do the children have to wear their best clothes for the last day, but the classroom has to be decorated too.

  All morning the class has been busy painting flowers and hanging them on the walls.

  Dani painted a big purple rose. It was really beautiful! Everyone who saw it thought so.

  But by the time it was ready to hang, the thumbtacks had run out.

  It looked as if Dani’s flower wouldn’t be on the wall.

  At the last second, Vicky and Mickey came to the rescue.

  “You can have this one,” said Vicky, pulling a thumbtack out of her shoe.

  17

  Mickey pulled one out too and gave it to Dani.

  Mickey and Vicky often have thumbtacks in their shoes because it makes them sound like tap dancers.

  “Oh, thank you!” said Dani.

  “No problem,” said Vicky.

  “That’s what friends are for,” said Mickey.

  The teacher had told them they should all try to be friends. And they are, Vicky says.

  Best friends, says Mickey.

  18

  But one day when they played ghost ball and Dani happened to win…

  Vicky and Mickey were so angry they chased her till she crashed into an older girl called Ellen…

  and Dani

  hurt her nose so

  badly it almost fell off!

  Ellen said sorry over and over again.

  But Vicky said:

  “That’s nothing much!”

  And Mickey thought so too.

  Best friends aren’t always the kindest.

  That’s something Dani has learned.

  Chapter 3

  But overall it’s been a good year.

  Especially the time Suzy pretended to be a cow.

  That was during Fun Hour.

  Dani laughed so much her stomach hurt.

  And there was the time the teacher told a story about a little boy who floated down the river Nile in a basket.

  And she showed them old pictures from when she was their age. About a hundred years ago.

  The boy was named Moses. Dani loves that story!

  Imagine something as wonderful as a little boy floating in a basket in the reeds!

  When Moses grew up he went up a

  mountain and met God who gave him the Ten Commandments. They were written on two stone tablets.

  The commandments were rules that people should follow so that everything would work out happily.

  Then Dani and Ella made their own

  commandments—because back then Ella was still in Dani’s class.

  25

  Dani and Ella wrote their commandments on thick pieces of paper because they didn’t have stone tablets.

  26

  Their first commandment was:

  You should never hit someone smaller than you.

  If a little child is very upset you should leave it alone until it has calmed down.

  27

  Their second commandment:

  You shouldn’t show off too much.

  Only a little bit, if someone else is showing off a lot. For example, if someone says: “My bike’s better than yours!”

  That’s what Cushion says, even though his bike is so old it hardly hangs together.

  His grandfather has fixed it at least ten times.

  28

  The third commandment went:

  Don’t be greedy!

  If there are thirty cakes and a hundred people want to try them, don’t eat all the cakes yourself!

  29

  Writing commandments was fun!

  Back when Ella was in the class it was always fun, except one time when they had to draw pictures of their mothers.

  Dani can’t remember very much from the years when she had a mother. She was so little then.

  She can only remember them telling her that her mother had died.

  Her father cried.

  Years later, he told Dani the last thing her mother had said:

  “Say goodbye from me, especially to Dani,” she had told him.

  That felt good to know.

  When they had to draw pictures of their mothers, Dani drew her father instead.

  30

  Chapter 4

  Dani is a happy person, she really is—but not all the time.

  She tries not to think about the unhappy times.

  She’d rather skip over them.

  In any case, she doesn’t cry much anymore.

  She’s getting quite big. More like her father. And he never cries. Only when someone dies.

  Something else new about Dani is that she has had her ears pierced.

  33

  At first she didn’t dare. But her father came with her and held her hand.

  And soon she had small glass diamonds in her ears. She only has to touch them to feel happy.

  That’s what she’s doing for the last hour of the second-to-last day of school.

  35

  Because she’s the first one finished with packing her things, she gets to write a story.

  But it has to be a quick one.

  THE TERRIBLE ISLAND

  That’s what it’s called. It’s about a girl who walks around an island picking flowers.

  “Good,” says the teacher when she has read it,

  “but what was terrible about it?”

  “I don’t know,” says Dani. “Something terrible was supposed to happen, but it never did! Just like always.”

  “That’s nice,” says the teacher. “But now I think you should find a good ending for your masterpiece!”

  Dani knows very well what her teacher is talking about.

  She means the book about Dani’s happy life.

  The one that isn’t finished yet and is packed away i
n her backpack.

  Dani picks the backpack up from the floor and finds the book. She opens it to the first empty page near the back. What should go on it?

  In such a happy book, the ending should be the happiest part of all.

  37

  Dani thinks for a bit. She thinks so hard that you can hear her brain creaking.

  That’s what you say even though it’s completely quiet when you do it. The quietest you can ever be is when you’re thinking so hard that your brain creaks.

  What should she write?

  The problem is that Dani is happy so often that it’s hard to choose.

  Vicky and Mickey are happy when they have birthdays and get presents.

  Cushion is happy when he plays football and scores the winning goal. Meatball is too.

  But Dani is happy about almost everything.

  39

  Even the time her class lost their baseball game, Dani was happy. Really happy!

  Afterwards Cushion said:

  “Everyone who thinks this was fun, put up your hand!”

  Dani’s hand was the only one that went up.

  But that isn’t a thing she wants to write about.

  Soon she thinks of something better and picks up her pen.

  The last time I was happiest, she begins.

  She gets no further before the classroom door opens.

  Bee—who usually works in the principal’s office—pops her head in. She only comes to the classroom when something special has happened.

  Now she waves to the teacher.

  The teacher hurries out and closes the door behind her. But soon it opens again.

  “Dani, can you come here, please?” says the teacher. Her voice sounds strange.

  Has Dani done something wrong? What could it be?

  Dani puts down her pen and gets up. Her knees feel quite wobbly.

  Everyone watches her as she goes out into the hall.

  42

  Chapter 5

  The teacher gives Dani a serious look.

  She can be strict. Although there’s usually always a twinkle in her eyes. But not now. Now they are plain gray.

  “Today your grandmother is coming to pick you up,” she says.

  Dani looks questioningly at her.

  Grandma quite often comes to pick Dani up after school, for example on Fridays when they go to the swimming pool.

  But this is Wednesday.

  45

  The teacher takes Dani’s hands.

  “There’s been an accident…” she begins.

  Dani turns cold. Icy cold.

  The teacher hesitates a moment.

  “Your father has been run over,” she continues.

  Dani begins to tremble.

  “He was biking to work.”

  The teacher looks as if she’s about to say more, but she doesn’t.

  46

  Dani’s schoolmates, who have been creeping out into the corridor, wonder what’s happening.

  Bee tries to stop them, but she can’t.

  “Bee,” says the teacher finally, “stay here with Dani, and I’ll go and talk to the class.”

  49

  Bee takes off her big cardigan and puts it around Dani’s shoulders.

  And Dani sinks onto the school bench beneath the coat hangers and shuts her eyes.

  There was something she had to remember!

  What was it?

  Something she was thinking just before she was interrupted.

  “The last time I was happiest,” she mumbles to herself. Then her mind goes blank.

  50

  Chapter 6

  It’s not long before Dani’s grandmother arrives.

  She hugs Dani long and hard.

  “There, there,” she says.

  Then she tries to explain what has happened.

  But Dani doesn’t want to hear. She puts her hands over her ears and keeps them there until Grandma stops talking.

  Then Dani whispers:

  “Where is he?”

  “In the hospital,” says Grandma. “Come on, we’ll go now.”

  They leave the school in silence.

  53

  When they’re almost at the car they hear the bell ring. Dani stops and turns around. Some of her schoolmates are running down the steps.

  They wave to her.

  But Dani doesn’t wave back.

  “Come on now, Dani,” says Grandma.

  Dani stays where she is.

  “What are you waiting for?”

  Dani doesn’t answer. She can’t. She doesn’t know what she’s waiting for. She is completely bewildered.

  Then the teacher appears. She is carrying something.

  “Your backpack, Dani!” she calls.

  Grandma hurries back to get it.

  “Thank you,” she says, “and thank you for all you’ve done this year!”

  Grandma and the teacher continue talking.

  After a while the teacher comes over to Dani and gives her a big envelope.

  “All your classmates are thinking of you. These are letters from some who were quick enough to write you a few lines.”

  “That’s very kind,” says Grandma.

  But Dani doesn’t say a word.

  When Grandma goes on to the car, Dani stumbles after her.

  She climbs into the car and puts on her seat belt.

  56

  She doesn’t open her mouth until they’ve driven quite a long way.

  “We’re going to see Dad now, aren’t we?” she asks in a croaky voice.

  “No,” says Grandma. “We’re going to your house. We’ll gather up the cat and the hamsters.

  We’ll be looking after you for a few days.”

  “But I have to see Dad,” Dani protests.

  “You can’t see him yet,” says Grandma. “He’s asleep.”

  “Then we should go and wake him up!”

  “I’m afraid we can’t. He’s so deeply asleep that he can’t be woken yet,” explains Grandma.

  It’s quiet in the car.

  “But what if he never…” begins Dani.

  58

  She stops. She mustn’t think that!

  But this time she can’t help it.

  Dani has found something she can’t not think.

  She crumples up in the back seat.

  Chapter 7

  When they arrive at Dani’s house, she gets out of the car and follows Grandma to the door.

  But Dani doesn’t want to go inside.

  She stops in front of the house and looks around.

  In the morning when she went to school everything was normal.

  But now her whole life has turned upside down.

  61

  The only thing still the same is the blue dress. It’s hanging on its coat hanger, waiting for the end of school as if nothing has happened. And the shoes, the ones with roses on the toes, are waiting as well.

  The cat comes and purrs, standing completely still with its nose in the air as if it’s asking what the matter is.

  But Dani doesn’t feel like telling.

  62

  Grandma takes the dress off its hanger and lays it carefully in a bag with the shoes.

  Then she collects the cage with Snow and Flake and puts it down in front of Dani.

  Two terrified hamsters look out from the cage.

  What’s going on?

  Dani takes the cage, and Grandma takes Cat and the suitcase. Then they leave the house.

  Dani stops at the gate and looks back.

  “Goodbye, house,” she mumbles.

  “Soon they’ll call from the hospital to tell us that Dad’s woken up,” says Grandma when they’re back in the car.

  But you can tell she’s not absolutely sure.

  66

  Chapter 8

  And what happens next?

  Not very much.

  Dani paces about in Grandma and Grandpa’s house, waiting for the phone to ring.

  Grandma stays in the kit
chen, putting away glasses and plates. Grandpa sits paralyzed behind his newspaper in the sitting room.

  Dani touches the envelope the teacher gave her, but she doesn’t open it.

  Right now she can’t read any letters.

  All she can do is wait.

  She doesn’t leave the telephone for a moment.

  Not even with her eyes.

  The phone doesn’t ring, but the doorbell does and Dani’s cousin Sven looks in.

  He and his mother live nearby, so he visits Grandma and Grandpa almost every day.

  “You’re here!” he cries happily when he sees Dani.

  “Yes,” Dani sighs.

  Sven looks at her in surprise.

  “It’s good you came!” calls Grandma from the kitchen. And Grandpa looks out from behind his newspaper.

  “Hello, Sven! Can you and Dani find something fun to do together?”

  “Of course,” says Sven. “Come on, Dani, let’s go to my house and say hello to Tiger!”

  Sven loves animals. His dream is to have a dog, preferably a wolfhound, which only he can tame.

  But so far he has to make do with a parakeet, one with tiger-stripes on its front.

  That’s why it’s called Tiger.

  69

  “I’m teaching Tiger to talk,” he says. “That bird is a genius…”

  He stops and looks at the envelope Dani has pushed away over the table.

  “TO DANI,” he reads.

  “It’s letters to Dani from her classmates,”

  Grandpa explains.

  “From her classmates? Why would they write to her?”

  Dani doesn’t answer.

  “Shall I open it for you?”

  Without waiting for an answer, he tears open the envelope with his finger and holds it upside down.

  Several pieces of paper fall out.

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  One of them is decorated with suns, another with footballs, a third with skulls.

  Sven studies them closely.

  “Dani!” he bursts out. “These are very strange.