The Proximity Principle

by Ken Coleman

  I love Tim’s story because it’s a real-life example of the law of averages at work. American entrepreneur, author, and motivational speaker Jim Rohn said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time around.25 He based this idea on the law of averages, a theory that suggests the result of any given situation will be the average of all the outcomes. So one way to think of it is: if all of my friends are nines out of tens, I’ve got a good shot at becoming a nine too. Here’s the point: as you’re getting in closer proximity to your dream job, you’ll climb faster and further by surrounding yourself with people who are focused, driven, and motivated to reach their own goals. To reach the summit you’ve got to get in proximity of peers who elevate your game.

  THE POWER OF STRONG PEERS

  Typically, peers are your equals. At work they’re your coworkers. At home they’re your siblings. They’re the people walking alongside you in the same stage of life, pretty close in economic status and age. So with the law of averages in mind, take a look around and ask yourself these questions: Who am I spending the most time with? Who is challenging and championing me?

  It’s pretty common to discover that you’re surrounded by environmental peers. These are the people you have a shared history with, like a childhood friend or college buddy. Or the people you frequently bump into in common locations, like your neighbors, the parents of the other kids on a sports team, or a friend at church. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with environmental peers. There’s a place for those people in your life. But there’s a difference between environmental peers and intentional peers. That difference is purpose. Sometimes environmental peers are comfortable with where they are in life, so they’re not in the right mind-set to help you climb your Mount Everest. Now let me be clear about what I’m not saying. I’m not saying being comfortable with where you are in life is a bad thing. Not at all. In fact, it’s a good thing. But that’s not where you are right now. Right now, you are gearing up to climb a mountain, and you need to surround yourself with peers who are climbing their own mountains.

  In the 1960s, there was a legendary group of celebrities called the “Rat Pack.” This group of peers included big names like Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Joey Bishop, and Peter Lawford. They starred in the original version of the movie Ocean’s 11 and were also responsible for twenty-some movies and countless famous records. These gentlemen were the marquee names from the early days of film, music, and comedy that led to the true glitz and glamour of American entertainment’s pop culture.

  Since then other famous friend groups have been given similar nicknames. In the 1980s, a group of young actors, including Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Andrew McCarthy, Demi Moore, Rob Lowe, Ally Sheedy, Judd Nelson, and Molly Ringwald was nicknamed the “Brat Pack.” Then in 2004, a group of comedy actors who appeared in some of the hit comedy movies since the mid-nineties was dubbed the “Frat Pack.” This group included people like Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Will Ferrell, and Vince Vaughn.

  If you feel challenged, inspired, and encouraged after being with them, you’ve found the right peers.

  Here’s one more example of peers challenging each other onscreen as well as in real life. Comedian Adam Sandler is intentional about working on material with fellow comedians Kevin James, David Spade and Chris Rock. In a 2013 interview, Sandler said, “Here’s how I think of my scripts. I sit in my room and think up an idea. Then I call up all my friends and they say: ‘That’s awesome! You are the best.’ No, what really happens is that a group of us come up with an idea and work on it.”26 Sandler and his peers take making jokes seriously. They have high expectations of themselves and each other, challenging, inspiring, and pushing each other to be better comedians.

  And that’s what all of these groups have done for each other. They may have first been thrown together as environmental peers, cast in the same movies. But they soon became intentional peers, refining each other and working hard to be the best at their craft.

  So who are the peers in your own life? How do you feel after spending time with them? If you feel challenged, inspired, and encouraged after being with them, you’ve found the right peers who are driven by intention and purpose.

  KEY QUALITIES OF PEERS

  As you begin to get intentional about finding the right peers, there are three key qualities you need to look for:

  1. They Have Shared Values

  2. They Have Drive

  3. They Speak Truth

  Let’s dig into each of these.

  Peers Should Have Shared Values

  “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”27 This biblical proverb cuts to the chase. Notice that it doesn’t say, as clay sharpens iron. Iron sharpens iron because the two elements have identical properties. They’re made up of the same stuff. In the same way, peers who can sharpen you share your same values.

  Let’s take a closer look at this. If you want to identify the people who share your values, you’ve got to clearly define what matters to you. Make a list. Write down the values you practice, admire, and aspire to in your own life—things like honesty, integrity, and hard work. Now think about your peers. Who do you know with the same values? You may find these individuals among people you already know, but if you don’t, it’s time to broaden your search. Remember, you’re working your way up the side of your mountain here, and you need the right people at your side.

  Peers Should Have Drive

  I recently completed my first half marathon. When I started training, I wanted to see whether or not I was getting faster, so I kept track of my minutes per mile. I quickly saw a huge difference in my times when I was running by myself versus training with others. When I ran on my own, I could get a little slow when I was tired. The self-doubt would start to creep in. I would focus on how miserable I was and how crazy I was for attempting this. Sometimes I’d even cut my training short if I wasn’t feeling it. But when I trained with a partner, it added a level of healthy competition that led to a much better pace, and I wasn’t tempted to quit. Running with peers who had the same drive to show up, put in the miles, and work hard week after week helped motivate me to practice with that same level of drive—if not more. And this is true in your own climb. Finding peers who set high standards for themselves and commit to do what it takes every day to maintain or exceed those standards will challenge you to keep moving forward too.

  Peers Should Speak Truth

  The truth hurts, but it can also drive you to be better. The right peers will speak truth to you, even when it’s hard, because they want to push you to reach your goals. Finding a peer who will tell you like it is, is a rare quality and you need to hold on to them.

  I’ll never forget one defining moment early in my broadcasting career that I owe to a longtime friend and peer, Bill Hampton. Bill and I met back in college at a student government assembly. I remember hearing him give a short but impressive talk from the stage. Afterward I walked up to talk to him and introduced myself, and like they say, “the rest is history.” We’ve been friends ever since.

  So let me tell you how Bill’s ability to speak the truth has impacted my career. I’d just finished one of my Saturday morning radio shows and was driving home feeling pretty good about it. Classic me, I wasn’t thinking too much about it—just flying high on a feeling of accomplishment. Then my phone rang. “Ken!” the familiar voice greeted me. “I just listened to your show today, and I have some notes . . .” Those words hung in the air for a second. Bill continued, “To be honest—it was terrible.” Bill proceeded to tell me everything I did wrong and how I should fix it. He went on. For ten full minutes.

  Now let me first say that there are only a handful of people who care about me enough to be that brutally honest. And you know what? I really appreciated it because I knew he genuinely cared about me and wanted me to improve. Sure, his honesty was hard to hear in the moment, especially after feeling I had done so well, but I needed that hard feedbac
k. I needed to hear the truth. And who else was going to give it to me? Bill understood how badly I wanted a career in broadcasting, and he was always cheering me on and pushing me to get better. I am so thankful for the many ways Bill’s friendship has impacted my career, and I take his input very seriously. And although it can sometimes be hard to hear honest feedback from others, you need peers like Bill who are willing to tell you the truth so you can learn and grow.

  Here’s another example of how honest input from peers can sharpen you. You can’t watch an interview with a comedian who came to prominence in the 1970s without hearing stories about a Los Angeles nightclub called The Comedy Store, owned by Mitzi Shore. It was a hot spot that drew many of the most talented young comedians from all over the country. These comedians were environmental peers at first, but they quickly became intentional peers. As they performed at this club, they began hanging out together and eventually formed strong friendships, honing their comedy routines. After shows, the comedians would head up the hill to Mitzi’s house, to hang out and cut up with each other late into the night. When I picture this in my head, I imagine these guys rolling with laughter as they practiced new jokes on each other. But they weren’t just there for the fun. They critiqued each other’s writing and gave input on each other’s performances. This peer group produced many of the giants of American comedy, greats such as Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Dana Carvey, and Robin Williams. To this day, many of these guys stay in close contact with one another.28

  Connecting with the right peers will accelerate your growth as you learn how other high achievers approach the important areas of life such as work, faith, and family. A strong peer group will give you the encouragement you need to stay focused on your goals when your climb gets tough. They’ll challenge your pace and push you to new levels in your journey.

  The Proximity Process

  1. Write down the five peers you spend the most time with.

  2. Answer the following questions for each of them:

  Do we share the same values?

  Do they challenge me to aim higher?

  Do they give honest feedback?

  3. Now write down the five peers that you need to spend more time with based on the key qualities listed in this chapter.

  Chapter 6

  The Producers

  I like things to happen; and if they don’t happen, I like to make them happen.

  —Winston Churchill

  When Jimmy Fallon was a college student, he worked as a humble intern at a newspaper in New York City. His boss connected Jimmy to entertainment agent Randi Siegel whose client roster included Saturday Night Live comedians David Spade and Adam Sandler. While Siegel admits she wasn’t particularly blown away by Fallon’s auditions, she was impressed by his knowledge of the comic industry and his attitude. Siegel helped Fallon on SNL, where Fallon invested a ton of time learning the logistics of how to put on a live television show.

  Fallon loved the business and dedicated himself to learning everything he could. He focused on developing relationships. SNL producer Marci Klein liked Fallon and gave him some great advice early on: she told him to thank media giant and SNL founder Lorne Michaels after every show. Producer Michaels is famously busy and aloof. But week after week, Fallon thanked Michaels. After every single show. Eventually Michaels warmed to Fallon, and that relationship led Fallon to his first job hosting a late-night television show. Fallon’s determination to overachieve in the small responsibilities kept leading to bigger opportunities. As host of his own late-night show, Jimmy Fallon made a point to reach out to Jay Leno, the producer and host of The Tonight Show at the time. Fallon sought Leno out for career advice and industry tips on how to handle the responsibilities of hosting his own show. These relationships—both with Michaels and Leno—ultimately led to Fallon taking over as host of The Tonight Show when Leno retired.

  Jimmy Fallon’s rise was a direct result of the time and intention he put into connecting with producers. He was always hungry to learn more about his craft and the entertainment industry. Many who know Fallon have commented that his meteoric rise has as much to do with his commitment to learn from producers of the entertainment world as it does his talent.29

  WHO ARE THE PRODUCERS?

  In Jimmy Fallon’s story, producers are literally producing shows and movies. In Proximity Principle terms, producers are the men and women building businesses, running teams, and making decisions in your industry or field. They’re the creators of jobs and opportunities. In publishing, they’re publishers and acquisitions editors. In other areas, they’re the directors of marketing, the vice presidents of sales, and the partners of CPA firms. They’re also the superintendents of school districts and the general managers of sports franchises.

  Their focus is always on the success of their own operation. This means that they aren’t really concerned with your career journey, except as it pertains to the success of their own team. Their primary mission is to find the people who can help them win! Think of them as the gatekeepers to work that matters. Without their attention, there will be no opportunity. And your proximity to them will determine the opportunities you get to do meaningful and exciting work.

  KEY QUALITIES OF PRODUCERS

  Producers are high-achieving professionals, which usually means they are busy—really busy. They’re always hard at work driving teams and projects to the finish line. While producers have the power to quickly advance our journey, we can’t expect to receive an immediate payoff (or on getting paid at all) when we connect with them. The payoff may take time, but it will be powerful. And keep in mind that you’ll have to approach them differently than you do any of the other types of people we’ve talked about so far. That said, there are four key qualities producers provide that can help get you in closer proximity to your dream job:

  1. They Share Knowledge

  2. They Provide Connections

  3. They Offer Opportunities

  4. They Give Direction

  Producers Share Knowledge

  Access to producers helps us understand what we need to do to be successful. They’re already building teams that win, so their judgment in evaluating competency and talent matters. Producers may offer constructive criticism and highlight what you still need to learn. Don’t mistake producers for professors, though. They’re not interested in helping you grow; they’re interested in winning. Watch them and you’ll learn what it takes to win.

  Jeff, a caller on my show, decided to take an internship at a local studio editing music tracks as he pursued an audio engineering career. He was taking classes to learn the fundamentals during the day and practicing in the studio at night. Jeff began adding value to the recording studio by sharing new technology tips and techniques he was learning at school about newer, more updated software he was working with. The owner of the studio and the lead sound engineer gave Jeff more responsibility over time, as well as critical feedback on how he could improve. They weren’t doing it for his benefit; they were doing it to win. And Jeff was okay with that! They were grateful for the help Jeff brought to their business, and Jeff was grateful for the knowledge he was gaining from being there.

  Producers Provide Connections

  In addition to sharing knowledge, producers can also help you make connections in your field. They inevitably know other producers, so approach every conversation with the understanding that they can connect you with someone who can help you on your climb. When you talk to a producer, don’t act like you’re on a job interview. While it’s important to tell them where you want to go, your focus is to learn from them. These relationships can be incredibly beneficial to your career, even though it can be intimidating at first to seek out such high-achieving people. And remember that while they can truly help accelerate your climb, you have something to offer to them too!

  You never know how or when that one conversation with a producer will impact your future.

  Chris, a guy from Baltimore who called in one day, w
anted to get into medical device design. After discovering his neighbor had a connection with the president of a local firm, Chris was given the opportunity to meet with him for fifteen minutes. Jay, the firm president, who didn’t seem super excited about giving up fifteen minutes of his time, warned Chris that he had no available positions. But Chris pressed on. He told Jay he’d still like to meet to share his passion for the industry. They met, and a month later, Chris received a call from the CEO of a design firm in California. The CEO explained that he’d heard about Chris in a recent conversation at an industry conference with an acquaintance named Jay. Do you see what happened here? Chris gained an interview from the fifteen minutes he spent with a producer who wasn’t even hiring! While it can often feel like taking the time to get to know producers doesn’t give you immediate results, you never know how or when that one conversation with a producer will impact your future.

  Producers Offer Opportunities

  Producers can also give you work opportunities that wouldn’t otherwise be available to you. Now when I say “work opportunities,” I don’t necessarily mean paid jobs—although if you can get paid, that’s great! Remember, producers are hiring, creating jobs, and putting together winning teams, and unpaid opportunities or internships allow you to grow your network with them. I can promise you that this work isn’t wasted. Roger Goodell, the current commissioner of the National Football League, began his work as an NFL intern. Steven Spielberg, before he ever made a movie, interned with Universal Studios. And Clint Eastwood, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, and Sylvester Stallone all began in minor roles or by accepting positions as extras on movie sets. The point here is: you need to value any opportunity you can get from a producer.