Revive Me

by Ferrell, Charity

  I walked through the parking lot and screeched as a white sedan sped towards me, the tires squealing. I jumped to the side, practically on top of a truck, the car just missing me by inches, as a trail of dust followed them. They didn’t stop or slow down. I tried to get a good look at the driver or passengers, but they’d moved too fast. I bowed my head down walking into school, hoping that was an accident. It had to be. No one would try to run me over me on purpose, would they?

  I scurried to my locker, keeping my head down, and my elbows pressed into my sides. I dumped my things into it and grabbed what I needed hurriedly. I wanted to get to class before anyone saw me. I clutched onto a book when I was suddenly pushed into the door of my locker and the edge scraped into my arm.

  “Seriously?” A girl snarled, stopping in front of me and resting her hands on her hips.

  I blinked, trying to put a name to the face, but I didn’t recognize her. “What?” I asked, rubbing my side.

  “Seriously, you stupid bitch, your crazy ass gets kicked out of a party, and you decide to call the cops on everyone? You know what happens to narcs, don’t you?”

  I stumbled back. “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, noticing a few girls joining her side. Maya was one of them, giving me some relief that I had someone coming to my defense.

  “That’s what everyone is saying,” Maya said. I felt my body overheating. “They’re saying you hooked up with Reese, no strings attached, and you freaked out when you saw him with another girl. We all saw the fit you threw, then the fight with that other boy, and you got kicked out. Not ten minutes after you left the cops showed up. I thought you knew better than that.” Okay, so she wasn’t coming to my defense. She was blaming me, too.

  I shook my head. “I didn’t call the cops.”

  Maya’s face fell a little, but she didn’t let up. “Seems sketchy, but who knows, maybe you didn’t. I want to give you a heads up, though. Reese, Bobby, and some other people were arrested. Half of them were on probation and had drugs on them. Most of them had priors, which means they can’t just be bailed out, and they’ll be in there for a minute. They and their girlfriends are ready to tear you apart.”

  They needed to blame someone, and they were putting that target on my back. I was the crazy girl who’d caused a scene, started a fight, and left in tears over a guy. Girls like that wanted payback, and that’s what they thought I’d given Reese.

  “I swear. I went home and went straight to bed,” I said, my voice breaking. I was afraid of what tearing me apart meant, but it didn’t sound good. “I didn’t call the cops on anybody.”

  “Snitch bitch,” a guy grumbled, walking past me and pushing into me roughly. “You should’ve died along with the rest of those kids.”

  I grabbed onto my locker and squeezed my eyes shut, praying to God I’d just imagined what he’d said. I shook my head and knew that was the truth. I wish I‘d died with all of those kids … with Tanner. My life would’ve been simpler, and I wouldn’t be in hell right now.

  “Yeah dumb bitch, just because you open your legs up for a guy doesn’t mean he’s going to marry you,” another commented.

  “Go kill yourself,” another girl added, not only bumping my side, but also turning around to snarl at me with two other girls.

  “Angie!” Maya called, pushing the girl away from me. “That’s not cool. Be mad at her, but don’t say shit like that.”

  Angie shrugged her shoulders. “I’m grounded for two months because the cops called my parents to pick me up. I can’t even go to the winter formal now.”

  “Angie, you and the rest of your follower cronies need to beat it and take your bullshit threats with you, you brainless bitches,” Alexa said, joining my side and eyeing the girls standing in front of me.

  “You don’t have anything to do with this,” Angie spat. “Why are you even sticking up for her? You know she was banging Reese, right?”

  “I don’t know what she was doing because I mind my own damn business,” Alexa argued. “Now go.” The girls scurried away. Damn, did everyone obey this girl’s commands? Maya still stood awkwardly in front of us, not sure what to do. “And Maya, you know that shit’s not cool.”

  Maya looked at me with regret. “I know,” she sighed. “I’m sorry, but we can’t be friends anymore. People will think I’m on your side, and Bobby will break up with me.”

  I nodded, not saying anything back.

  Alexa sighed. “God, I hate bullies and the people who follow them. I swear, one gets mad at you, they send their entire army to do their dirty work.” I looked over at her. Why was she helping me? I figured she’d be the first person to sign up for the Tessa hating parade. “Anyways, I’d stay incognito if I were you.” She patted my shoulder, the bell rang, and she walked away. “Good luck.”

  I slid down against my locker and fell down onto the floor when the hallway cleared out. Taking a deep breath, I opened my legs and my head fell in between them. What was happening to me? Why was my life turning upside down?

  This is when I needed Tanner more than anything. He’d help me through this. I’d tell him what was going on, and he’d help me through it. Or set the people straight who’d been mean to me. But it didn’t happen often. I’d had lots of friends at my old school, and I’d never witnessed people act this cruel.

  “God,” I hissed out to the floor. I smacked my palms against it and raised myself up. There was no way I was getting through the day here alive or at least without a few scratches.

  I walked down the hallway, pushing open a door, and headed to my car, but froze when I saw it. A long scratch stretched from my driver’s door to my trunk that could’ve only been done with a key. I got closer, reading the words “slut, whore, and snitch” written across my hood and doors. I dragged my finger across ‘whore’ and a pink residue hit my finger. Nothing better than getting your car labeled with lipstick. At least it wasn’t permanent.

  I slammed my car door shut, drove it home with the lipstick labels, and parked it in my driveway. I stomped through the front door, going directly to the laundry room, and grabbed a cleaning bucket. Filling it up with water, I latched onto the handle and dumped it onto my car. The pink splotches were still there, but at least I’d gotten the words off. I set the bucket down onto the ground, threw down my phone I’d never bothered to turn back down when I reached my bedroom, and fell into my bed. I rummaged through my drawer and pulled out the prescription bottle with my name on it. I grabbed a few pills, shoved them down my throat, and grabbed yesterday’s water bottle still on the table to wash it down. The medicine kicked in quickly, and I felt relief as my swollen eyes slowly shut, and I traveled to tranquility.

  “What the hell happened to your car?” Derrick asked, walking into my bedroom and waking me up.

  “You need to learn how to knock,” I grumbled, shoving my pillow over my head.

  “What the hell happened to your car?” he repeated, sitting on the side of my bed. “And why are you in bed already? Are you sick or something?”

  “Someone keyed it,” I answered, shrugging my shoulders. “And yeah, I don’t feel good.”

  “Someone keyed it?” he asked, eyes wide. “Don’t you think you need to figure out who that someone is?”

  “I don’t care who it is.” I was actually afraid to find out.

  “Did it happen at school? Call them and tell them to look at the cameras,” he insisted.

  “It doesn’t matter.” Even if I found out who exactly was responsible, it wouldn’t fix anything. They’d only make my life more miserable if I turned them in. I’d already gotten a preview of it this morning; I didn’t want to see how much worse it could get. I knew I had to call the insurance company, and they’d make me get a police report, but I’d lie and say it happened somewhere else. Somewhere there weren’t cameras. “I’m going to go back to sleep, but let me know if you need anything.”

  He nodded and patted my arm through my blanket. “Okay, feel better.”

/>   He left my room and shut the door behind him. I closed my eyes again, fighting to go back to sleep, but my mind was racing. There was no way I could go back to school. They’d make my life a living hell. Would they find out it wasn’t me? Did Reese hate me? Did everyone hate me? My mind drifted back to Tanner, and I subconsciously began talking to him. I need your help right now. So bad. You always knew how to help me.

  I woke up to a dark room. I vaguely remembered Tanner in my dreams telling me to come to home, and he’d help me. I swung my hand over the side of the bed and felt around on my nightstand until I captured my phone. I groaned at the bright light hitting my eyes. Six voicemails. Forty-five text messages. When did I suddenly become so popular? I opened up the first text from an unknown number.

  My hands shook as I read the words:

  You’re such a snitch bitch. I’d think twice about coming back to school.

  I quickly closed out of it and opened a new one.

  Wait until I see you around, you’re going to regret it.

  I knew it was a bad idea, but I opened up the rest of them. They all said the same things: kill myself, I was a snitch, and I better be afraid next time I leave my house. All of my voicemails were from unknown callers, and I wasn’t even going to go there. I hesitated a moment, wondering if Dawson would answer if I called, but too scared to find out. He’d given up on me. He had every right to hate me.

  My legs felt flimsy when I stepped out of bed and walked to my bathroom, and they gave out as I fell against the floor at the same time the sobs started. I stared blankly at the wall across from me with swollen eyes. I looked at the basin in front of me, and I pushed myself up to look at what I was afraid of … the reflection of the girl that wasn’t me. I was nothing but a lost soul.

  I crawled across the floor and opened the cabinet underneath the counter. I was at a war with my own mind and allowing my stubbornness to take over my inner strength. I searched through the large compartment until I found what I was looking for. I set it down on the floor before grabbing the half-full vodka bottle I’d stashed and been secretly sipping on at night.

  I twisted the knob to my bathtub. The mirrors showing me what a mess I was fogged as hot water filled the tub. Stripping away my clothes, I tossed them onto the floor and sunk into the warm water. I was floating. The heat felt good, and I relaxed my head back. My hands slid out of the tub, fumbling for the package, and I set it down beside me. I grabbed the bottle of liquor and took another gulp before placing it back onto the floor. It was time for a new one. I needed something fresher. I needed something sharper. I’d tried using alcohol to break my habit, but it wasn’t working anymore. I needed something stronger. I needed something more permanent.

  It took me a few moments to open it up with my shaky hands. I ran my fingers along the sharp edges, but didn’t feel anything. I was becoming immune to the sensitivity. I snapped the razor from its holder and ran a finger across the blades again. It still wasn’t enough. I needed to feel completely numb and taken over. I needed the release.

  I’d started cutting a month after Tanner died. I wasn’t sure how it started, but it helped me. I’d started on my arms and wrists, but realized people would start to notice, so I’d moved to my thighs. I wore long sleeves everyday to help hide my secret. I couldn’t run a razor through my skin without leaving a mark, just like everything else. Loss, pain, hurt, it all leaves a mark.

  I raised my hand up in front of me and examined my palm and the back of my wrist. Therein lied my secret. My vice. My parents used alcohol to cope with the pain, and I used my own self-destruction. I was the victim and the abuser. The scars weren’t deep but they were there. Light lines showing me every time I was weak. I massaged the skin, feeling the build-up of tissue, before gently slipping the razor back over my flesh.

  I took a deep breath when I broke through the skin. Why wasn’t I feeling anything? Where was the pain? Slicing through my skin didn’t cause me pain, no; it gave me ecstasy like a drug coursing through my body. The feeling manifested through me as the remedy. I was cutting my emotions away. The blood would drain me of my hurt. I was going to cut out every bit of pain that was flowing through me and take me to a better place. A better place where I wasn’t missing Tanner, where I didn’t lose Dawson, and giving the people at school what they’d wanted. I wasn’t wanted anymore.

  I gasped at the blood falling into the water, giving it a faint pink color. I sunk down deeper into the water, feeling the heat built up around my body. I needed more. I drug the blade back over my skin but deeper this time. The water beneath me began to grow darker the deeper I went.

  My vision grew shaky as I eyed the blood seeping from my wrist and dropping into the water. Everything began to slowly fade away. I was going to see him. He’d make me happy again.

  My head fell back as dark spots crept from the corner of my lids before my sight grew blurry. My breathing was labored, every exhale taking all of my energy, and I caught a glimpse of bright red before the pain seeped through my veins and everything went black.

  This is what I’d wanted.

  This is what I’d craved.

  This is what I’d planned.

  I’d wanted all the pain to fade away.

  And it was.

  Dawson

  The resonating ringing woke me up from my deep slumber. I groaned, dragging an arm out from under my body, and stretching it across my bed in the darkness of my room. My fingers hit my wooden nightstand next to me, and I scrambled around until I grasped the vibrating phone in my hand. I cringed at the loud noise and stuck it to my ear without checking the caller ID.

  “This better be good,” I grumbled into the speaker. I’d had a rough night. My body was still in pain from the ass beating I’d received from Reese and his friends, and I’d been popping ibuprofen every few hours.

  “Dawson!” the frantic voice yelled from the other end, and I suddenly felt a giant weight fall onto my chest. Something wasn’t right.

  I clutched the phone tightly in my hand. “What is it Derrick?” I asked, suddenly becoming fully alert.

  “It’s Tessa,” he answered quickly. “I found her in the bathroom. She’s …” he went silent. I took a deep breath, waiting for the news he was about to give me, while praying it wasn’t as bad as the thoughts running through my head. But I got nothing.

  “She’s what?” I rushed out impatiently.

  “She’s bleeding everywhere. I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” he answered frantically.

  I rapidly jumped out of my bed and flipped the light switch on while holding the phone up with the top of my shoulder. “Did you call 911?” I asked, grabbing a pair of dirty shorts from my floor and hurriedly slipping them over my legs with shaking hands.

  “Yeah, they’re on their way.”

  “Good job, buddy. I’ll be there in a few, okay?” I threw on the first t-shirt I found and stuck my feet in my tennis shoes without even bothering to look for socks or tying them.

  “Okay. I’m really scared, Dawson. She’s not moving or anything.” I slammed my eyes shut, resisting the urge to scream, but staying sane for Derrick’s sake.

  I rushed out my front door, nearly losing my footing in the process as rain poured down on me, and fell heavily into the seat of my truck. I sped down the street while shutting the door. I slammed my foot on the gas pedal, not following the speed limit, and gripping my hands against the steering wheel tightly while my windshield wipers squeaked back and forth.

  The ambulance was already parked in front of the house when I pulled up. Their red and blue lights flashing through the chilly night lit up the entire block. I jumped out of my truck, ignoring the running engine, and allowed the EMTs to get through the front door before storming up the stairs.

  The purple bedroom was crowded with paramedics, firefighters, and medical equipment. Derrick was sitting on the edge of her bed, his head bowed, and he played with his hands in his lap. Her dad, Darryl, was across from him at the front of the room and pac
ing back and forth as he muttered to himself. I looked around the room for Lorraine, their mom, but she was nowhere in sight.

  I took a few steps forward and peeked into the small bathroom while being careful not to get into anyone’s way. I gasped as bile swept it’s way up my throat. I swallowed it down as my heart thudded against my chest. Medics shuffled around the tiny compartment, sometimes bumping into each other, and I caught a glimpse of Tessa’s nude, limp body lying against the white, tile floor. A faint red color that resembled blood was dripping from her hand. I looked to the right and noticed the bathtub filled with crimson colored water.

  “Is she dead?” I asked to no one in particular.

  I held my breath, waiting for the answer. Darryl continued his pacing, and Derrick stayed silent on the bed. My fear turned into anger, and I kicked my feet against the carpet to hold me back from charging towards her dad. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted him to feel the pain that Tessa had felt when she’d done that to herself. I wanted the guilt to eat at him every single day if I lost her. I pinched the bridge of my nose and managed to keep my cool. I needed to focus on Tessa, not him. I’d save him for later.

  “Is she dead?” I asked again.

  “She’s still breathing,” a voice called out from the bathroom. “And we’re trying our best to keep it that way.”

  I let out a rush of relief. “What the hell happened?” I asked Derrick.

  “I don’t know,” he answered, his face pale, and his body slackening.

  He’d been the one who’d found her. That pissed me off. He needed to be shielded from this shit. I knew what it felt like growing up with an unstable family and how it haunts you the rest of your life. You may grow up, but you don’t forget about that shit. “I was up late watching TV and realized she hadn’t come down to tell me to get to bed. She always tells me what to do.” He paused and shook his head nervously. “I came in here, but her room was empty. I noticed the bathroom door half open, so I peeked inside.” He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. “She was in the bathtub with her eyes shut. There was so much blood. So much blood. I tried calling her name, but she wasn’t moving.”