Revive Me

by Ferrell, Charity

  “I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said, joining his side and puling him in for a hug. I moved my attention to the EMTs. They worked bandages around her skinny wrist and instantly confirmed what I’d already known. She’d tried to kill herself. The girl, who was once so full of life, had tried to end it. She’d looked so forward to every day with a light of radiance shining around her, but each day it dimmed until she finally decided to pull the plug and let it go black.

  They strapped her body onto a stretcher and lifted it up into the air. “Everyone step aside,” a medic demanded. They carried her down the stairs as I followed them outside. Thunder rumbled and lightning crackled as they hurriedly put her in the ambulance. Streetlights dimmed and I noticed neighbors standing outside their houses, huddled underneath umbrellas. I grinded my teeth and flipped them off as I got back into my truck. Nosy assholes.

  “Please God, let her be okay,” I whispered into the emptiness of my cab as I followed the ambulance and rain streaked my windows. I ran through the red lights, stop signs, and kept at their speed. I cried out, smacking my hands against the cold steering wheel in anger and frustration. I blinked as the tears fell down my cheeks.

  I wasn’t a crier. I didn’t cry when my dad got his prison sentence. I was only twelve, but I knew what was going on. There were only two times I could remember crying: Tanner’s funeral and tonight. Tanner’s death crushed me, but if I lost Tessa, it would do more than that. It would completely obliterate me.

  The ambulance pulled into the garage, and I swerved into the emergency parking lot. I got out of my truck, stormed through the deserted area while ignoring the hard drops smacking into me, and walked through the doors.

  “Can I help you?” an older woman sitting in front a counter at the entrance asked.

  “I’m here for they girl they just brought in the ambulance.”

  She nodded and began typing her wrinkled fingers against the keyboard. “I don’t have anything yet, hun, but as soon as they know something a nurse will be out here.”

  “Thanks.” I turned around and found Derrick and Darryl walking in, dripping wet.

  “Have you heard anything?” Darryl asked, joining my side. I stepped away from the counter and took a few steps into the nearly empty room. There were chairs, but only a few taken, with people sitting around reading magazines or watching the small TV perched up in the corner.

  “No, not yet,” I answered and watched him flop down into an empty seat. I took the chance to finally take a good look at him. He looked like hell. He needed a good shave, and the scent of alcohol drifted from his breath and hit my nostrils. Nausea swirled in my stomach when I realized he’d been driving with Derrick while he was loaded with liquor. I clenched my fist and glared at him. I’d looked up to this guy for years, and I felt every bit of that respect washing away.

  The automatic doors into the emergency room opened, and a young woman walked out wearing blue scrubs with an RN badge connected to her top. She glanced around the room and her eyes focused on us.

  “Are you with the girl they just brought in?” she asked, taking the few steps to us.

  Darryl nodded at the nurse and rose to his feet, thankfully without stumbling. “I’m her father.”

  “She’s in critical condition,” she said. “The lacerations were pretty deep, which caused her to lose a great deal of blood. She’s been stitched up.”

  “So what’s going to happen to her?” I asked.

  “Things are looking up,” she answered. “We’ve got a great doctor on duty. I just need you to fill out some paperwork for us while you’re waiting. We’ll be sure to keep you updated on her condition.”

  “Can we see her?” Derrick asked shyly.

  She shook her head. “Not at the moment, but as soon as it’s okay, I’ll let you know.” She gave us a sincere smile before disappearing back through the doors.

  “What the hell happened to your face?” Derrick asked, falling down into a chair while Darryl picked up the paperwork from the front desk before sitting down to fill it out.

  “I got into a fight,” I answered, sitting next to him.

  “Did you win?”

  “Not exactly.” I pointed to the fading bruises around my eyes.

  “I thought she was dead when I found her,” he said quietly.

  I patted his leg. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “Do you think she really tried to kill herself?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I hope not,” he said, his voice cracking. “I saw her car and tried to talk to her. But she said she wanted to be left alone, so I went downstairs. I knew she was sad. I knew it. I should’ve stayed with her, made her hang out with me, or something.”

  I looked over at him with a serious face. “Don’t you dare try to blame yourself for this.” He was the last person that needed to feel condemned for this. I looked over at Darryl. He was on the blame list. He wasn’t the only one, but his name was scribbled near the top. So was mine. I’d told her I was done with her. I should’ve tried harder to get her to talk to me. “What was wrong with her car?”

  “It looked like someone keyed it,” Derrick answered.

  “Someone keyed her car?” Darryl asked, looking up from the paperwork. “When did this happen?”

  “Yesterday or earlier. I’m not sure since it’s early in the morning or late at night.”

  “Who did it?” Darryl and I asked at the same time.

  Derrick shrugged. “She wouldn’t say.”

  “Damnit,” I hissed under my breath. I’d work on figuring that out later, but I had a hunch it was those evil bitches at school. They were another name on that list. I’d heard they were giving her a hard time about that party. I wasn’t sure what it was about, but I’d heard whispers and gossip during class. “Where’s your mom?”

  “She stayed in her bedroom. She wouldn’t even come out,” Derrick replied.

  They weren’t kidding when they said their parents were out of it.

  What felt like eternity had passed as we waited for any news. I’d picked up some magazines, trying to occupy my time, but my mind wouldn’t stop racing. I’d overheard Darryl talking to Lorraine, but she never showed.

  We all stood up from our chairs when the doctor came out, wiping his forehead.

  “She’s stable,” he said, and I felt my stomach begin to loosen. “She lost some blood and we had to perform a small transfusion. Her vitals are fine, and we’ve stitched up the lacerations, but we are going to admit her for a few days to be sure she doesn’t get an infection and the transfusion was successful. I highly recommend she be admitted into a mental health facility upon release.” Darryl shook his head in acknowledgement. “I’ll have a nurse provide you with some additional information.”

  “Okay, thank you doctor,” he said.

  “The nurse will take you to see her if you’d like. I suggest you go easy on her for right now. I know you have plenty of questions you’d like to ask, but let her rest and recover.” He fetched a card from his shirt pocket and handed it to Darryl before leaving. “Here’s my card. Give me a call if you need anything.”

  “He doesn’t want us to ask questions, but I’d like to know what the hell is going on,” Darryl said when the doctor left. He looked over at me. “Why would she do this? I can’t believe she’d do this to her mother. We’re already dealing with losing Tanner.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” Derrick snapped before I had the chance to. “Have you been paying attention to us at all? You know, the ones who are still alive.” Darryl winced at the word alive. “Have you even noticed my sister, your daughter, is falling apart? She’s practically a walking ad for depression.”

  His eyebrows scrunched together. “What do you mean?”

  “She spends all of her time in her bedroom or hanging out with that pierced lip douchebag.”

  “Pierced lip douchebag?” Darryl questioned.

  “Jesus Christ,” I muttered, the nausea pitting deeper into my stomach.
They didn’t even know their teenage daughter was staying out all night with random guys.

  “If she’s hanging out with bad people, then why aren’t you stopping it, Dawson?” he asked me.

  “Why aren’t I stopping it?” I fired back. “Maybe because her parents need to be there to stop it. Maybe because she feels like she’s alone. I’ve tried talking to her. I’ve tried helping her. But I can’t be the only one. It takes more than one person to make her whole. Now it’s time to do your part.”

  Darryl’s face burned as sweat began to build up around his hairline. “I’ve been doing my part. Don’t tell me how to raise my daughter, you hear me?”

  I held up my hand. “Look, don’t get worked up. We don’t need to be fighting and causing more stress for her. Let’s just be sane around Tessa, but you need to work it out. Next time, Derrick may not find her, or it will be too late.” The thought of her actually succeeding sent chills up my spine and tingles through my chest. I hated even saying those words, but he needed a reality check.

  “I’ll always be there for my daughter,” he replied, guilt bleeding through his face.

  I shook my head and leaned back into my chair. I wasn’t going to argue with him. I just needed to get to Tessa.

  I stood to the side of the room and allowed Darryl and Derrick to see Tessa. They’d transferred her from the emergency floor, and she’d been placed in her own room upstairs. Derrick grabbed her hand in his while Darryl just stood and stared at her sleeping body. He didn’t talk. He didn’t touch her. His eyes just bore down at her. I couldn’t read him. He finally bent down, kissed her forehead, and walked out of the room without saying another word.

  I made my way to the bed, and Derrick flopped down into a chair next to her as he yawned loudly. “You need to get home and get some sleep,” I told him. “I’ll text Ollie and have him take you and your dad home.”

  “Why can’t Dad drive?” Derrick asked, looking up at me through slanted eyes.

  “Because he’s been drinking, and he’s still hung-over.” His eyes grew wide. Either he didn’t notice or he didn’t want anyone else to. I was going with the latter.

  “I can’t leave her,” he said, looking over at Tessa’s still body.

  “She’ll be fine. She’s going to be sleeping for a while. When she wakes up, I’ll call you and get you a ride up here.” I grabbed my phone and texted Ollie. I’d called him earlier, telling him the situation, and he said he’d wait up incase I needed anything.

  “You promise?” Derrick asked.

  I looked away from my phone and up at him. “I promise. Ollie will be outside waiting for you in a few minutes.”

  He looked at Tessa one more time and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek before giving me a wave and scurrying out of the room. I sat down in the abandoned chair, scooting it closer to the bed, grabbed her hand, and pressed my lips against the chilliness of her skin. Her skin was pale, making her look drained and lifeless. I cringed at her gaunt appearance, the hair tangled in every direction, and her skinny frame.

  “I’m going to fix this. I’m going to bring you back to life and make you happy again,” I whispered into the brisk room as machines beeped around me. I slid out of the chair, grabbed a blanket from the couch sitting in the corner of the room in front of a single window, and re-joined her side. It had been a long night, and I knew it was far from being over.

  Tessa

  I blinked, fighting the bright light shining through a small window across the room, and looked around in confusion. What the hell? I glanced around the unfamiliar, cold, and empty room. The white walls were bare with a dry erase board on the back of a door and a poster asking me about pain levels across from me. I shivered as a cold breeze smacked into me and I snuggled into the thin blanket on top of me.

  A TV hung from the wall with a reality show on mute as an annoying machine beeped beside me. I didn’t notice the IVs connected to my arm until I rose them up to rub my pounding head. My stomach knotted, and my head fell back when I saw it. The thick, white bandage wrapped around my wrist brought all of the memories back to me in a rush. I’d done it. The demons in my head had won, but they’d tricked me. They didn’t take me to Tanner. They kept me in hell.

  I’d tried to kill myself. God, just saying the words in my head made me sick to my stomach. My eyes closed as I remembered taking the razor and watching it slide against my white skin until it was decorated with color. How could I have been so stupid? I was embarrassed, shocked, and a little disappointed that I’d failed. Were people supposed to be happy when they were saved from a suicide attempt? Or were they supposed to feel like total failures? Should I be happy I was there instead of sitting in the morgue, lifeless? I wasn’t sure.

  I’d told the nurse I didn’t want any visitors when she found me awake. Apparently she didn’t care what I wanted because a few minutes later my parents came walking through the door. My mom was in pink pajama pants with her hair pulled into a bun at the top of her head. Her face was swollen from crying. She took a long look at me, her puffy eyes growing wide, and bolted out of the room. My dad stayed in the room a few minutes, tucking his hands into the pockets of his pants, and just stared.

  I stayed silent, not sure what to say, until he slowly came toward me. He kissed me on the cheek, whispered he was sorry, and then left the room. I blew out a harsh breath. They’d never understand. How much pain did you need to go through before realizing you’d never be okay? They knew how I felt. I knew that, but they were using alcohol to mask their pain; drinking themselves away. Their death would come, but it would be slower. Their suffering would be longer and more drawn-out. I wanted the quickest way out. I’d figured out alcohol and Reese weren’t working. I needed instant gratification and I thought the razor would do that; I’d come up short.

  I was terrified to see Dawson. I knew before he came in that he wouldn’t be turned away. He’d fight his way into my room, throw a couple punches, or climb through my window if he had to. My elbows pressed into my side, and I tried to hide my wrist when he walked in. I was sure he knew why I was in there, but I didn’t want him to see the evidence. I didn’t want him to know how messed up in the head I really was. He stared down at me, and I waited for him to say something.

  “You wanna talk about it?” he finally asked, pinching the skin at his throat.

  I bowed my head down. “No,” I replied in a weak voice.

  “You’re going to, now or later. You’re going to talk about it. It doesn’t have to be me, your parents, or anyone you know. Go see a therapist, talk with a stranger, but you’re going to talk about it. There’s no more holding it in and hiding. You’re going to let it all out, baby, so you can start to heal.”

  His words triggered something in me. I finally believed him. I'd been so blind. Dawson had told me so many times he wanted to help me, but my hurt soul wouldn't believe him. Now that I could see clearly, I believed him. He wanted to help me. He truly wanted me to be happy.

  I cleared my throat and watched him take a seat next to me. “I was aching in places I didn’t even know I had inside of me,” I said. “It didn’t matter how many times I told myself it would get better or how many drinks I’d suck down to help me forget, I would still go to bed every night feeling the pain. I’d lie there for hours wondering if I’d ever be happy and fighting with myself for the answer.”

  A single tear dripped down my face. “It was like I had good and bad running through me. I had a devil on one shoulder, telling me to cut away my pain, and it would last forever. And there was an angel on the other side, insisting I give it time and things would work out. Someday I could numb myself enough, and I wouldn’t feel it anymore. But the longer it took, the dimmer the angel got, until she’d faded away. And the devil on my shoulder was jumping up and down in his victory. He knew I finally grasped the truth. I was being punished for not helping Tanner. No one else saw the hell I was in. I felt hopeless.”

  He leaned forward and tried to grab my hand, but I pulled aw
ay. He couldn’t see the bandages. “Baby, you’re going to feel the pain of losing Tanner forever, and we both know there was nothing you could’ve done to save him. You have too much to live for, and it would kill us if you were gone as much as it killed you losing Tanner. That’s selfish.” I shook my head. “Are you kidding me? You can’t take that beautiful smile away from the world. You can’t take that caring heart away from everyone. You’re the glue for your family. Even Tanner knew that. We can’t lose you. We want you here, demons, flaws, and all.”

  He grabbed my hand quickly before I had the chance to pull away. I winced at the pain, and he immediately loosened his grip. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, looking at the bandage.

  “Because I’m fucked up, Dawson. I’m fucked up in the head, and it’s embarrassing. I see you all the time, and you’re coping fine. I saw you at the party, and you were with those girls who were happy. That’s what you deserve. I’m tainted, I’m fucked up, and I’ll always be this way. I can never make you happy. I’m the suicidal girl who can’t deal with her own problems.”

  He kept my hand in his. “You’re not fucked up.” I gave him a look. “Sure, you’ve got some shit to sort out, but everyone’s got their demons, baby. I’d rather be with someone who can share them with me than let them explode later. You’re not that suicidal girl. You’re the girl who attempted to do it because she felt like she had no other options. Actions don’t label you. You’re not tainted, you’re not fucked up, and you’re going to get better. And there’s no one else I’d rather fight demons with than you.”