Revive Me

by Ferrell, Charity

  His hand flew to his chest. “Seriously? How can you play with a man’s emotions like that?”

  I fidgeted in my seat. “I didn’t know you’d get so upset.”

  “A man writes a letter giving his un-dying love to someone and that someone acts like they’ve never received it, that kind of thing messes with your head.”

  “Your un-dying love?”

  “You know what I mean. Every word in that letter is true. You don’t have to say anything back yet because I want you to focus on getting better. But I wanted you to know how I feel and what you have to come back to. I want you to realize your importance to not only me, but to everyone who’s lucky enough to know you. Get better, get home, and we’ll get through it.” I nodded, and he leaned forward to kiss my forehead.

  “Please tell me he has a twin,” Elise asked, clasping her elbow through mine when we left the rec room. Dawson and I talked effortlessly until they announced visiting time was over. He’d kissed me goodbye, telling me he’d either visit me the next family day or see me at home, whichever came first. Being with him just seemed so easy. Some people say they don’t want easy, but I didn’t understand that. Didn’t they want someone they could talk to for hours? Someone who’d be there during the rough times in life? I wanted easy. Easy was a good fix for me.

  I shook my head in response to Elise’s question. “A brother?” she asked. I shook my head again. “A cousin?”

  “Nope, sorry girl.”

  She threw her head back. “The hot ones are always either taken or arrogant assholes.”

  She was another person who’d helped me with my recovery. She’d taken me under her wing. She made me feel like I belonged. I’d told her my story, and she told me hers. She grew up being raised by nannies after her mom died, and her dad worked all the time. She abused herself and other things to get his attention, but it never worked. She’d been through a lot. She didn’t tell me everything, but I knew she’d been raped, and her father insisted she was lying about it to get attention. Elise despised him for that and was doing everything in her power to fight against him. I told her she was only hurting herself, but she didn’t care. I guess you have to forgive someone before you can stop using yourself to hurt them.

  “Don’t let him go, girl. If you do, I’m going to hunt you down and kick your ass. That’s not an easy thing to find.”

  “What?” I asked, looking up at her.

  “Whens someone sees you for you, don’t let that go. I haven’t had one boyfriend who looks at me like that or doesn’t see me as the slutty rich girl who tries to act out. That guy, his eyes lit up when he saw you in the freaking nut house.” I gave her a look, and she laughed. “He sees you behind the bullshit, behind the slips, behind the girl who tried to kill herself, he sees you. He knows the real you, and he’s not letting your thoughtless actions diminish his love for you. And that, girlfriend, is someone you need to keep. That is someone who’s not going to let you not keep him either. He’ll fight for you until he can’t fight anymore. He’ll fight for you until the moment he takes his least breath.”

  “Wow,” I said, shocked and looking over at her. “That was pretty deep.”

  “Yeah, and that’s about all the deep-ness I have in me. Now come on, it’s movie night.” She pulled me forward and into the movie room.

  “What’s the movie?”

  “Marley and Me.”

  “Isn’t that movie really depressing?” I asked.

  She nodded in agreement. “Yeah, whoever picks the movies around here should probably be fired.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” Elise said, sitting on her bed and watching me pack. I pulled out Dawson’s letter from underneath my pillow and gently pushed it into the pocket of my pants. Every night before I went to bed, I read it. Elise begged me to let her see it, but I wouldn’t. This was my secret, the piece of me that made my heart feel whole again, and no one else was getting a sliver of it.

  I slumped down onto my bed. “I’m going to miss you, too.”

  “What’s wrong, girl? You’re about to be out of here, what’s the long face for?” she asked.

  I was terrified. It was easy to walk when someone was there holding your hand every step of the way and leading you with words of encouragement. But it was a hell of a lot harder when you were doing it on your own. You’re balancing yourself, fighting off everything flying your way, and doing it on your own. I wasn’t sure if I could do it.

  “How do you know when you’re fixed?” I asked her.

  She looked up at me and grabbed the unicorn on her bed. She gripped it to her chest, and her face fell. “I’m probably the wrong person to be asking this, but I don’t think anyone is ever fixed. You break a lamp, and it shatters. You can glue it back together but you’ll always see the cracks and the superglue will always seep through them. I think we’re the same way. We can come in here, get help, and feel like we’ve been fixed. But we’ll always have those cracks and the chance of us breaking again is likely. The important part is the quality of glue we have. It’s the bond that leaves us put together. You don’t have good support, your foundation breaks, and you’re back to sweeping up the pieces and trying again. Girl you’ll always be cracked, but you’ve got some good glue; you’ve got people who love you. Stick with that, let it stick with you, and I think you’ll be okay.”

  “What about you?” I asked. “Why do you keep coming here?” That’s what I was secretly scared of. This was her fourth trip here.

  She shrugged. “I’m not strong enough to win my battle yet, and I don’t have soldiers on my side.”

  “What do you mean?” She crawled to the edge of the bed and looked directly at me. “Look at those scars on your pretty little wrist. Each one was a battle with yourself that you lost. Same thing with me. Every pill I popped and every guy I had random sex with, I lost. Every time you pick up that razor, you lose again. Every time I pop a pill or spread my legs, I lose again. We give them the victory. They’ll keep winning over and over again until you stand up and tell them to go fuck themselves. Now, go home, throw away those piece of shit razors, and be happy. I’m not ready to do that yet. I’m still angry.”

  “I can’t believe you’re not begging to get out of here,” I said.

  “Yeah well, I know it’s fucked up. That’s why you’re getting to go home, and I’m staying,” she answered. I felt sorry for Elise. She was beautiful and strong-willed, but she was out for revenge. She hated everyone around her, and I didn’t blame her. She lashed out on them by lashing out on herself. She’d run her dad’s name through the dirt with her bad behavior and let him suffer the bad appearance of his company. She’d be the problem child they talked about in the news because that was her way of hurting him.

  She got up and hugged me tightly. “I better not see you in here again, or I’m so beating your ass,” she laughed. “Now, go home to your boyfriend before I break out of here and kidnap him for myself.”

  I chuckled. This was the first real friendship I’d had with another girl since Daisy. I’d never thought that I’d be meeting one of my newest friends in a mental institution, but she already knew my dark secrets, and I knew hers, so we’d always have that bond.

  “You have my number, call me, I said. I knew she’d be getting out in the next few days because she told me they never kept her too long. Like me, she wasn’t crazy, she was just pissed off and wanted to be free of the world.

  She laughed. “You’ll be the first to know when I bust out of this place.”

  Dawson

  “Glad to see you finally decided to make an appearance at home,” my mom said when I walked into the kitchen.

  “I’ve been staying at a friend’s,” I answered, yawning. I’d been helping out with Derrick as much as I could, working, and going to school. I was exhausted, so I’d either been crashing on their couch or coming home late at night.

  “And what friend might that be?” she questioned, taking a drink of coffee.

  “The Bensons.”


  Her lips pursed as she tilted her head to the side. “Have you been feeling okay?”

  Her question caught me off guard. I paused for a second before answering. “Uh yeah?”

  “That friend is dead,” she pointed out bluntly, shocking the shit out of me.

  “I know. I’ve been helping his parents out with his little brother.” Jesus, did she think I was going all Sixth Sense?

  “That’s sweet, honey,” she said, smiling and creeping me the hell out. Something was about to happen. I knew it. “Don’t forget about your dad’s hearing,” she added, taking another sip. And there it was. All of the sweetness, the honeys, and the no-bitching were because he needed help. My dad’s hearing was in two weeks, and I was supposed to be preparing for what I was going to say. She wanted me to talk and lie to get him out. But I didn’t want him free. He didn’t deserve to be.

  I groaned and kicked my feet against the floor. “Mom.”

  “You have to do this. We need your dad back home,” she argued.

  I took a deep breath and my throat constricted. “You need him.” I knew what would happen if he got out. He’d be on his best behavior for a few weeks, getting my mom’s hopes up, and then bail on her. It happened too many times for me to trust him. And I’d be the one stuck to pick up the remains.

  “Don’t start this shit, okay. Just be there and keep the attitude at home.”

  “Doesn’t he have an attorney you pay to do that for him? Why do I have to be there?” I couldn’t keep up with the endless amount of attorney bills that were racked up so she could see him again.

  “His lawyer is working on it, but having family support is a huge part in his release. We need to show he’s a family man and will stay out of trouble when he gets out. If they see he has a son that needs him …”

  “I don’t need him!” I shouted, rolling over her words angrily. “We’re doing pretty damn good without him here.”

  “He’s still your father.”

  “He is nothing to me! Just because we share blood doesn’t mean he’s my father or means anything to me! What he did was wrong and you know that, Ma. Do you really think the victim’s family isn’t going to show up and fight against his release? He’s selfish, and he will always be selfish.” My arm shot out, and I gestured to the pile of bills sitting on the table next to an open checkbook. “He knows you’re paying all of these attorney fees with money we don’t have, but does he care? No. He cares about himself and himself only. That’s not a father!”

  “Just do it for me, please,” she begged.

  “I’ll think about it,” I lied. I wasn’t going to allow him to kill my excitement for this day. “I’ve gotta get in the shower.”

  She nodded her head, choosing not to argue with me. She wanted to stay on my good side so I’d do what she wanted.

  I went to my bedroom, grabbed some clothes, and hopped in the shower. The water sprinkled down my face as I wiped hair away from my eyes. I turned the knob, the water growing hotter, trying my hardest to cool down my anger. I despised that man, and I didn’t want my mom to keep hurting. I used the washcloth and scrubbed my skin as I cursed to the water. I needed to calm down. Today was her day.

  Tessa been in the rehab center for a week, and she was finally getting to come home. The doctors said she was doing great. That didn’t surprise me. Deep down, I didn’t think she’d wanted to kill herself. She’d just wanted to stop the pain and was panicked about going back to school. She’d told me everything that had happened. She’d been bullied, and I resisted the urge to confront them every time I walked down the hallway. Tanner’s death might’ve planted the seed of hurting herself in her head, Reese’s actions watered it, but the threats of the others bloomed it.

  I got out of the shower, dried off, and headed back to my bedroom at the same time my phone rang. “They just left to go get her,” Derrick said excitedly when I picked up.

  “I’ll be there in ten.”

  I quickly dressed, rushed out the door, and made a pit stop at the bakery before heading over to Tessa’s. I walked into the kitchen to find Derrick filling bowls with chips and candy. A Welcome Home banner hung from one side of the room to the other with pink and yellow streamers taped against the ceiling.

  “Good job, kid,” I said, giving him a pat on the back.

  “Thanks,” he replied, grabbing a handful of canned drinks from the fridge. “She’s going to love this.”

  “Or punch us,” I said, laughing. We weren’t throwing her a party per se.

  “They’re here!” Derrick yelled, ducking behind the kitchen island. “Get down Dawson, or she’s going to see your goofy ass, and you’ll ruin everything.

  I ducked down, balancing myself on my heels, and pointed at him. “Watch your mouth.”

  “Dude, I’m fourteen.” I shook my head at him, about to tell him that didn’t mean shit, when I heard the front door creak open. Her parents talked loudly as they came in.

  Derrick looked at me as the voices and footsteps grew closer. “Surprise!” we yelled, throwing our hands up, and coming up from behind the island.

  Tessa stopped and looked at us with wide eyes. “You didn’t have to do this,” she said, smiling. Her blonde hair was twisted into a braid at the nape of her neck. She was wearing a black pair of leggings with a loose sweater. I smiled in satisfaction that I’d packed that outfit for her.

  “Of course we did, Sis,” Derrick said, walking around me and giving her a hug. “It’s good to have you back.” She hugged him back when he tightened his arms around her.

  I took my turn when she released Derrick. I grabbed her around the waist and brought into my hold. “I knew you could do it,” I whispered in her ear.

  “Thank you,” she muttered into my shoulder. “It feels good to be home.”

  I looked over her shoulder at her parents standing in the corner of the kitchen. Her mom’s eyes were watering, and she wiped them with the sleeve of her blouse.

  Derrick clapped his hands. “I ordered some pizzas and Dawson brought a cake,” he called out. He grabbed a stack plates sitting on the table, handed them out, and opened up the pizza boxes.

  “I know you said you didn’t want anything big, but I figured this would be okay,” I said, grabbing a slice of pizza and handing it to her.

  She nodded. “The people I care about are here. That’s all I needed.”

  Tessa wrapped her sweater tightly against her tall frame as we walked out her front door and into the cold bite of winter. She eased herself down onto the wooden swing hanging on the front porch. I bent down in front of her and covered her shivering body with the blanket in my hand.

  “You warm?” I asked, standing in front of her, waiting to see if she needed another. Her parents had set a heater out to warm up the porch, but it was still chilly. She nodded, and the swing suspended as I pushed my weight onto it. She pulled half of the blanket in her hand and tossed it over my lap. The mug in her hand went to her scarlet lips as she took a small sip of hot chocolate.

  “So, what happens from here?” I asked, balancing my feet onto the wood floor of the porch, leaning forward to gain momentum, and swung back as the cold wind hit our backs.

  She shrugged her shoulders. “They suggested I go to outpatient therapy a few times a week.”

  “I think that’s a good idea.”

  She bit her bottom lip and scraped her teeth across it. “I don’t know. It’s like everything is happening at once.”

  “You did therapy at the rehab center, I’m sure it’s the same thing, only this time you can curl your hair before you go,” I joked, patting her leg over the blanket.

  She gave me a weak smile. “That might be the only advantage.”

  I tucked my chilly hand underneath the shaggy fabric, grabbed hers, and interlaced our fingers. “They are there to help you and you getting help is all that matters. If you want me to come with you, I will.”

  “It’s just,” she paused, looking at the tranquility of the night. “It�
�s embarrassing.”

  “I keep telling you not to be embarrassed around me, face mask, remember?” She nodded. “Look at me.” Her head slowly turned, and her face illuminated in the dim porch light. “Don’t you ever be embarrassed around me, okay? I’ve seen you sweet, happy, and full of life. I’ve seen you hurt, emotional, and thoughtless. And I’d never wanted a different you. Even when I said I was done, I wasn’t. I never stopped thinking about you, looking out for you, or loving you. And I don’t intend to when you make your next mistake, either. It’s okay to have a breakdown, or a lapse of judgment; we’ve all been there. We’ve all had those moments where we feel like the world is falling out from under us, and the easiest thing to do is to jump. Don’t be embarrassed because you’re human.”

  “You have no idea how much that means to me. You just you being here means so much to me. I was a bitch to you. I’d said hurtful things, and you’re still here. No matter what, you’re still here for me. And I’m sorry for what I’d said. I know you’re not using me because you lost Tanner.”

  She’d finally realized my want to be with her had nothing to do with losing Tanner. I’d wanted to be with her when I was hanging out with Tanner. I’d wanted to be with her every time I saw her. Tanner or no Tanner, I wanted her.

  “When’s your next appointment?” I asked.

  “I’m supposed to start tomorrow. They made an appointment with a local therapist and gave me her information. They don’t want me to break the habit or have enough time to change my mind.”

  “Are you planning on going?”

  She shrugged. “Probably. Maybe.”

  “Maybe? There’s no maybe about it. You’re going.”

  She groaned, kicking her feet up on the swing, and causing us to jerk back. “Geez, when did you get so bossy? If I recall correctly, I used to be the bossy one.”

  “Sometimes you’ve got to let someone else steer.”

  She rolled her eyes. “There can only be one chief, and that’s me, buddy.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, well sometimes the chiefs have to consult with the other Indians,” I pointed to myself, “and they give her advice.”