Revive Me

by Ferrell, Charity

  She groaned and threw her head back. “Fine, you can be in my tribe.”

  “I better be getting home.” I wanted to give her time. She hadn’t had a moment to herself in over a week. She needed it. “If you need anything or want to talk, my phone will be by my side all night.”

  She nodded, biting her bottom lip. “Why are you doing this?”

  “Doing what?”

  “Why are you doing this Why do you care about me going to therapy or how I’m feeling. I know you said you love and care about me, but why now? All of the sudden you’re in love with me?”

  “All of the sudden?” I repeated. “My love for you isn’t all of the sudden. I didn’t wake up one morning and have this giant epiphany about my feelings for you. No. I’ve had these feelings for years. The moment I met you, I liked you. Then as the years passed and we got closer, I started to more than like you, and more than liking you turned into really liking you. By our junior year, I was certain I was completely head over heels for you. Now, I’m positive I’m in love with you.”

  “But why are you just now telling me this?”

  I cringed. I dreaded telling her this, but I had to. “I made Tanner a promise that I’d never date you or tell you about this promise.”

  Her eyes grew wide. “What? That little asshole.”

  “It was before I met you. He made me promise, and I’ve regretted it every day.”

  “Yet, you still hooked up with other girls?”

  “First off, there weren’t that many girls.” She gave me a look. “I swear! I don’t get why people always assume just because you’re hanging out with someone you’re banging them.”

  “Because usually people are,” she said, shrugging and taking another sip of cocoa.

  I shook my head and tried to hold back a smile. “Anyways, those few girls didn’t mean anything, they were filling the void. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could find a girl that would make me feel the same way you did, but no one could compare to you. It was an endless search, but I didn’t want to break the promise to your brother.”

  “So what? You’re going to say you love me, but can’t do anything about it because you promised Tanner?”

  I felt like shit. Tanner was my boy and my best friend. I was about to break the one thing he wanted from me. I was going against his honor.

  “I’m done letting a promise I made years ago impact my decision and feelings for you, but you’re still in recovery. We’ll take it slowly, let you take time for yourself, but I wanted you to know I do love you.” She opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her. “You don’t have to say anything. In fact, I don’t want you to yet. I know you love me, but you tell me when you’re ready, okay? I want you to love yourself when you tell me you love me.”

  Tears dropped from her lashes. “Look at you, Mr. Romantic,” she said, giving me a smile.

  “I aim to please, babe.”

  She pushed my side. “I appreciate your honesty and finally telling me why you kept turning me down. I seriously thought you weren’t attracted to me.”

  “Are you shitting me?” She shook her head. “I wasn’t attracted to you? Did you miss every time my eyes would follow your body? You’re fucking gorgeous. But the thing is, you’re not only the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, you’re the girl that gets me, and that’s more attractive to me than anything. Those other girls, they don’t know about my family shit or how eating shellfish makes me sick.”

  “And puff up like a marshmallow,” she added, grinning.

  “See, no other girl knows that. Just you. And I want to keep it that way. It’s you and only you who knows the real me. Shit, even my mom doesn’t know who I am.”

  “And you’re pretty much the only guy besides Tanner who knows me.”

  “Let’s keep it that way, shall we?” There were so many questions I wanted to ask her about Reese. Did she sleep with him? Did she tell him she loved him? Did she love him? Jesus fuck, I was jealous of the biggest douche bag in town.

  “Okay, I should probably go. You need to get your beauty sleep, babe,” I said, trying my hardest to shake away those thoughts. I’d been with other girls, and I couldn’t be mad at her for anything she did before we got together. But the thought still made me sick to my stomach.

  “They gave me sleeping pills to help me for the next few days, so hopefully that helps.”

  “Did they put you on anything else?”

  She nodded. “Just an anti-depressant until I feel better.”

  “Make sure you take those.”

  She saluted me. “Got it, doctor.”

  I grabbed her chin, kissing her gently on the lips before pulling away. “Come on, I’ll walk you in.” I got up and held my hand out for her to grab.

  She shook her head. “I actually want to sit out here a bit longer. I think I need some quiet, me time.”

  I nodded. “Okay, but not too long, it’s cold out.”

  Tessa

  The brisk wind hit me with every stride as I swung back and forth, but I didn’t stop. I felt free. The past week had been a soul-searching, heart wrenching, and insane reality check for me. My legs shot out to stop my movement, and I pushed back against the swing so I could get a glimpse of the stars lighting up from a distance. They were so beautiful, so free, and no matter how much darkness surrounded them, they still shined. I wanted to be like that.

  The doctors told me I was masking my pain with the combination of cutting and alcohol abuse. Alcohol abuse. I’d chastised my parents for doing the same thing I was guilty of. When the fog in your head begins to fade and grow clear, you look at things in a different perspective. You start to truly see the real world. You notice things you’ve missed, the bad decisions you’ve made, and you start to think of healthy ways to fix them.

  Dawson and my parents had thrown all of the alcohol out of the house, so that wouldn’t be a problem. I shivered at the thought of throwing all of my razors out. There was no way I was refraining from shaving. No freaking way. I’d deal. I’d fight with myself every time if I had to, and this time, I’d make sure I won. Then there was Reese. I hadn’t talked to him since that night, and I didn’t feel the need to reach out to him. My blood boiled just thinking about him.

  I took one last look at the sky before resting my legs on the porch and stopping the swing. Dawson told me he loved me. I knew he ended the letter he’d given me with it, but that wasn’t the same. People sign birthday cards with love, they tell people they love them at the closing of a letter, but there’s something different about hearing it in person. It felt more gratifying. I’d read the words, but emotions didn’t fly through them. But when he said it, the words actually falling from his lips, my entire heart had been lifted, and I truly believed it. I loved him, too. I’d lie in bed for years wondering what it would feel like to hear him tell me that. It was better than I’d imagined.

  But now, I felt like I didn’t deserve his love. I’d accused him of using me. I’d accused him of wanting to be with me, so he wouldn’t lose my family. But I was wrong. Dawson had no family, and I knew losing us was killing him. It wasn’t about him being alone; it was about being surrounded by the people he loved.

  I pushed my feet down and rose up from the swing while keeping the blanket wrapped tightly around my body as I walked inside. Derrick was sitting on the couch, and a movie was playing on the TV.

  “Hey Sis, wanna join me?” He asked, looking back at me over the couch. “This is the part where the zombie eats the guy’s brain. It’s awesome.” He looked at me with excitement like that was the best image he’d ever seen.

  “As much fun and not gruesome as that sounds, I’m going to head to bed. I’ve had a long day.”

  He nodded in understanding, and I realized how much he’d grown in the past year. Not just physically, but mentally. My baby brother was maturing into a grown man.

  “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said. “I’m expecting a good breakfast. Dawson has been feeding me frozen
pizzas and hot wings all week.”

  “And you have a problem with that?”

  “Eh, it’s cool at first, but a guy can only have so many slices of pizza before he starts sneezing out pepperonis.”

  “Okay, that’s sick,” I said, holding my hand up and curling my lip. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  I grabbed my bag sitting by the staircase and walked upstairs to my bedroom. I flipped the light on and looked from side to side. I changed, set my bag down on the bed, and then began unpacking its contents. I made it to the bottom of the bag and took a deep breath as every muscle in my stomach tightened. I could do this.

  I scooped up all my hygienic products in my arms and carried them into the one room I was terrified of. My bare feet hit the cold tile, and I looked down, expecting to see bright red bloodstains, but there was nothing. I looked at my bathtub and my sink. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. There wasn’t a trace of red residue anywhere. The only remains of the night were in my head.

  I dropped the items onto the counter and leaned back against the wall. Images of that night raced through my mind. The hot water surrounding my body, overtaking me, as I stared down at the blood dripping from my wrist and captivating me. Flashbacks began to drift through my mind as the color red slashed through my thoughts and seized my vision. I slumped down against the wall, my legs hitting the cool floor, as the tears fell faster than my trembling hands could wipe them away.

  But these tears, they weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of relief. They were tears of revival, of me bringing myself back to life. My pain would no longer consume me. I would no longer numb myself. I was done being succumbed. I’d allowed the toxicity of my life to seep out when I’d cut myself, and it’d drained my body clean. I was getting a fresh start.

  I wasn’t sure how much time passed as I sat there, staring at the sink in front of me, but I finally rose up and balanced myself against the wall. I pulled the thin elastic out of my hair and ran my hands to loosen my braid. I eyed the fair color of my skin and ran my hand against the smoothness. I was becoming me again. There were still circles under my eyes, but they were fading. I still had a few blemishes near my chin, but that was okay. I didn’t look at the mess of a girl in the mirror now. I just saw me.

  I looked down at my wrist as I began to unwrap the thin, white cloth. I’d been changing it twice a day since leaving the hospital. It wasn’t necessary anymore, but I wanted to hide my scars. The new indentations in my skin were harder to hide when they were fresh. I knew I wouldn’t be able hide behind my long sleeves anymore. I winced, still feeling pain from the stitches that had just been taken out, and traced the line of the built up scar tissue. They incisions were small, but I knew they’d always be there. I looked down at the roll of cloth I’d been given, but I ignored it. I was leaving them out tonight.

  My legs shook as I undressed and stepped into the shower. I grabbed the razor next to my shampoo, and ran my fingers across the sharp blades. “You helping me was a figment of my imagination,” I whispered against the warm water streaming down my head. I gripped the handle and slowly brought the razor up to my legs. The first swipe was the worst, but the second was more comfortable. When I finished, I tossed the razor to the side, acting like it wasn’t even there anymore.

  I twirled my damp hair into a tight ponytail and grabbed my phone before falling down against the comfort of my own sheets. Looking down at it, I noticed a text from Dawson telling me goodnight and sweet dreams. I texted him back with a smile on my face, took the sleeping pills I’d been given, and drifted off to sleep without tossing and turning for hours.

  “Rise and shine, sunshine,” Dawson’s deep voice called out, waking me up. My eyes flew open, and I winced at the sunlight flooding my bedroom. I drug my arm above my eyes and groaned.

  “Why are you here this early?” I grumbled.

  “You have your first therapy appointment today,” he explained, plopping down onto the edge of my bed.

  “I know this,” I said in dread. I was hoping maybe if I didn’t set my alarm, I could get out of going to see this new therapist. Would I feel comfortable around her like I had with my other? Or would she think I was a total freak because I’d been in the mental hospital?

  “And I’m here to make sure you don’t try to play hooky.” He knew me too well.

  I kicked his leg from under my blanket. “I’m not going to play hooky. I’m getting up, so get out.”

  He fell down beside me, and I peeked over at him with one eye. He clasped his hands comfortably behind his head and leaned back against my headboard. “Not happening babe, I’m taking you.”

  “In case you didn’t know, just because I tried to kill myself doesn’t mean they confiscated my license.”

  “You can drive, but I’m still coming with.”

  I shoved my face into the pillow. “You know, you seriously suck.”

  “I seriously don’t,” he replied, chuckling. His hand smacked the bed. “Now get up, chop chop, we’ve got things to accomplish.”

  “Fine, but you’re buying me breakfast.”

  “If that’s what it takes, I’ll buy you the whole damn menu.”

  I took a quick shower and threw my hair into a ponytail without styling it. I got dressed and walked back into my bedroom to find Dawson lounging on my bed watching TV. I stepped into a pair of boots, and he followed me down the stairs.

  “You ready for this?” he asked when we pulled up to the building.

  “Do I have a choice?” I took a sip of the hot chocolate before dropping the last bite of a donut into my mouth.

  He shook his head. “No, not really. But you never know, you may love it here, this doctor may become your new best friend.”

  “What a story to tell. How’d you meet your best friend? Oh, she was my therapist.” I unbuckled my seat belt in the passenger seat. I let him drive because I knew I’d be too nervous to pay attention to the road. “I’ll call you when I’m done.” I latched a clammy hand onto the door handle, and my feet hit the pavement. I circled around the car, and immediately stopped. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “I’m coming in,” he explained, falling in step beside me as I walked to the front door.

  “I’m sure you have better things to do.”

  He shook his head. “Nope, I lead a pretty boring life, so I figured I’d pass time by staying with you. I’m also conserving gas, saving the environment, going green; it’s the hip thing to do.”

  “Whatever, I know you’re doing it so I won’t bail.”

  “Yeah, that too,” he said, laughing as he kept up with my speed and followed me into the building. “I’ll stay out of the way, and you can act like I’m invisible.”

  “Do you have an answer for everything?” I asked, stepping into the elevator, and he slid in next to me.

  “When it comes to you, hell no. You’re the most confusing, unable to find that missing puzzle piece person in the world. But I’d like to think I’m pretty good at solving puzzles. At least that’s what my kindergarten teacher told me.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Yeah, but I think she had a crush on me.”

  I shoved his arm. “When did you get this annoying?”

  The elevator doors opened, and he followed me out. “I’ve been this way forever, you were just blinded by your infatuation with me that you didn’t realize it.”

  I snorted. “Okay, now you’re going overboard.”

  I knew what he was doing. He was trying to keep me from being nervous. And it was working. He escorted me to the office number I’d been given and opened the door because I was too chicken to do it myself.

  “Babe, you got this,” he whispered into my ear, squeezing me gently, and taking an open seat.

  I nodded, swallowing the nausea wanting to escape me, and stopped at the front desk. The lady behind it slid the window open. I told her my name, and she handed me clipboard with paperwork attached.

  I eyed the waiting room, similar to every oth
er doctor’s office I’d been to, and took a seat next to Dawson. He snatched the clipboard from my hand and held it away from me when I made a grab for it.

  “I got it,” he said, patting his hand against my leg. “You just relax.”

  “You do know that’s my personal information, right?”

  “Yep,” he said, dragging the pen and filling out my name and address. I kept an eye on the form to make sure he was answering everything correctly.

  “You even know the medication I’m on?” I asked in annoyance. “You nosy little shit.”

  “I do my research. The only thing I don’t know is when you had your last period,” he said, and a tingling swept up my back. “I can’t believe they even need to know that here. Unless it really is true that those things make girls go ape-shit.”

  “Okay, give me that back. And we don’t go ape-shit.”

  “Just tell me. I’m a big boy. I passed Sex Ed with flying colors. I know girls bleed for a week. It’s strange, but I guess it’s possible.”

  I rolled my eyes and crossed my legs. “You’re right, but they don’t talk to guys about it.”

  “But I’m not just a guy.” The ball of the pen hit the paper. “You’re being awfully cranky, so let’s just say in progress.”

  I made a grab for the paper, snatching it before he had the chance to stop me. “Very funny,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him chuckling. I grabbed the pen, filled in the date of question, and signed my name along the dotted line.

  “Hi Tessa,” a woman greeted me, and I followed her down a narrow hallway and into her office. “Have a seat.” She motioned towards a black sofa propped up against the wall. I sat down slowly, my knees almost buckling in the process, and eyed her as she shut the door before pulling out a chair from a small, glass desk.

  She was young, giving me a sense of relief that she would understand me, and slender with bright red hair that was pulled back around her crown, with the bottom hairs left down. A green sweater covered her top and was paired with black pants. She looked at me through thick frames and set her hands in her lap.