In Search of Mr. Anonymous

by J B Glazer

  After Labor Day things pick up significantly. I’ve been so busy between Robica wedding details and the stream of new business that’s come in as a result of it. I’m not usually stressed, but my plate is full and the Luke/Melanie situation is wearing on me. I’m definitely hitting my limit. Melanie and I take an annual trip in November a few weeks before Thanksgiving. I decide now is a good time to plan where we’re going. And my ideal destination involves relaxation.

  I text Melanie and she immediately suggests a beach vacation. I was thinking more along the lines of a spa getaway. I try to convince her to go to Aspen, as I always do. It’s a dream destination of mine, but Melanie wants to go somewhere warm. We settle on Arizona. There’s still beautiful mountain views, warmer weather, and plenty to do if we want to venture out. She volunteers to look into options, which is fine by me.

  I can’t believe the Robica wedding is just under four months away. It’s my next major event, aside from my birthday. And that I don’t like to classify as a major event. I prefer to keep things as low-key as possible. It’s hard to believe I’ll be thirty-four in just a few weeks. James has already booked us a dinner reservation. He wouldn’t tell me where—he wanted it to be a surprise. James is a few years older than me. Frankly I’m surprised he hasn’t brought up our long-term plans. We’re both not getting any younger. And his brother Sawyer recently got engaged. Apparently that’s what he wanted to discuss with James that night at the bar: the proposal. I imagine it’s not far from James’s mind either. But perhaps he’s giving me the space that I asked for. When I picture my future I could see him as a part of it. But I feel as though I couldn’t commit right now if he asked. So I’m glad that he hasn’t.

  My mind drifts back to my conversation with Dr. McGuire about freezing my eggs. I’ve never asked James if he wants kids. I’m sure that he does. Maybe I should’ve kept that literature. In theory I do want children though I worry about what kind of mother I’d be. James would make a great dad, of that I have no doubt. And I think Luke would too. Luke. Why do my thoughts always steer themselves in his direction? I wonder if he and Melanie have talked about their plans for the future. She hasn’t said anything, and I have no intention of asking. Some things are better left not knowing. Ignorance is bliss.

  The following week Melanie calls me on my commute home.

  “What are we doing for your birthday?” she wants to know.

  “James is taking me to dinner. I’m not sure where though, he wants to make it a surprise.”

  “I did say we. You didn’t think I’d let you off the hook. How about Luke and I join you? We haven’t all been out since the night I introduced you.”

  “That’s true.” The thought of going on a double date and spending my birthday with both Luke and James fills me with dread. “What about something bigger?” I improvise. “We can rent out a room at Lyle’s Supper Club and do drinks and apps.”

  “Really?”

  “Why not? People at work have been bugging me about it too.”

  “Luce, this is so unlike you. James has been pushing you out of your comfort zone. I love it,” Mel says. “What date are you thinking?”

  “I have no clue. I’ll look into it and let you know. It will depend on when they have a room free.”

  “Why don’t you call now and check availability? Hang on, I’ll just look up the number.”

  I guess there’s no getting out of this one. Then it hits me. Trish and Luke cannot be in the same room together. She would see him with Melanie and the gig is up. Trish would surely recognize him from that night at The Tin. She’s the one who picked him out for me, after all. I trust Trish and could tell her, but I’m not ready to go there just yet. The fewer people I implicate in my lie the better. Now I have a dilemma. I already broached the topic with Melanie, but there’s no way I can have a party and not invite Trish.

  “Luce, are you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m just thinking about dates. I’ll call you right back.”

  I pull up my schedule and realize Trish and Dax are going out of town at the end of September. I’ll have to plan it for when they’re in Mexico. I know she’ll be mad, but I’ll tell her that was the best date for me and we can celebrate another time. I call Lyle’s and check if they have availability on Thursday, September twenty-ninth. The room is free, so I book it. I call Melanie back to tell her the news.

  “Great! I’m putting it in my calendar. Hopefully Luke won’t be tied up with work. He’s been so busy lately. I hardly see him. Now that I think of it, he said that he wanted to get to know you better.”

  “Really? When?”

  “Shortly after that night out when you got sick. And he asks about you from time to time. Did I ever tell you the double date was his idea?”

  “No. I don’t think so.” I would’ve remembered.

  “It was. We were looking at pictures and I pointed you out. He said he knew you were important to me and suggested we meet.”

  “How thoughtful of him.”

  “He is thoughtful. I think it’s cute he wants to get to know you because you’re my bestie. Some guys don’t care about that sort of thing, but I think he understands that knowing you is like an extension of knowing me. He’s coming by tonight to help me prepare for a big presentation. I should probably go. My place is a mess. Should I bother making my bed? It’s just going to get unmade. We’ve had a bit of a dry spell, but I intend to rectify that tonight.”

  Not wanting to go there, I tell her I have to go too. We hang up and I try to push the thought of her and Luke hanging out at her apartment from my mind.

  My birthday celebration has turned into a small bash, much to my chagrin. I ended up inviting Trish and Dax, who obviously declined, Don and Lucia, my work colleagues, and Lexi and Jake. When some of my vendors learned about it they essentially put themselves on the guest list. I normally don’t like big gatherings, but in this case the more people the better. I need buffers from Luke. It’s funny how I wanted to keep my birthday a low-key affair, and now I’ve resorted to throwing myself a party to avoid time with him. It’s a lot easier to justify my decision when I don’t have to face him. Seeing him is pure agony. It brings back memories of our weekend together. Memories I spent so long trying to forget. Now my head and my heart are in constant battle. I’m still trying to wrestle with my feelings. I really like James, but then there’s Luke. I’m with James and Melanie is with Luke. But Luke wants to be with me. Melanie is my oldest and dearest friend. So he’s untouchable. It was much easier hating him when I thought he abandoned me. But now I know he wanted to find me. As I said, seeing him is hard. So, we’re back to temptation. I guess it’s a theme with me and Luke.

  If that means I have to throw myself a bash to avoid him, at least I was able to get a good deal. Trish has a connection at Lyle’s, which is why I thought of it. I’m limiting the bar options to wine and beer only and I’ll have an assortment of appetizers. And it being on a Thursday helps because I figure people will drink less if they have to go into work the next day. I was also firm in telling people no gifts. Their presence is the only gift I need.

  A few nights before the party I get a call from a number I don’t recognize. I pad over to the bathroom so I don’t wake up James. Who’s calling me after midnight?

  “Hello?”

  “I miss you.”

  It’s Luke.

  “Luke, do you realize it’s after midnight?”

  “Did I wake you?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Sorry. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

  “Luke, please don’t do this.”

  “I’m trying to stay away like you asked, but it’s so hard.”

  His speech sounds slurred.

  “Are you drunk?”

  “No. I can handle my alcohol just fine. It’s not being with you that I can’t handle.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I miss you,” he says again.

  I don’t say anything.

  “I miss
the way you smell. I miss the way you taste. I miss the moans you make when I touch you. The look on your face right before you come, and then when I made you come. God, I loved seeing you when you let your guard down. You bring me to my knees. I’d give anything to touch you again. Anything. Don’t let that be our last time together.”

  “Luke, this is highly inappropriate.”

  “It doesn’t have to be. While you may have asked me to stay away, you can’t take away my thoughts. And I think about you all the damn time. I try not to, but you’re in my head. Tell me it’s not one-sided. Do you ever think about me?”

  I close my eyes.

  “Remember what our agreement was. Only the truth.”

  I remember.

  “I don’t think I should answer that.” That’s as close to an admission as he’s going to get.

  “We belong together. And you know it.”

  Then he hangs up on me.

  “Who was that?” James asks as I crawl back into bed.

  “No one important.”

  I close my eyes, but now sleep won’t come.

  The night of the party dawns. Things are going well until he walks in. Mel runs over and envelops me in a hug. “Happy birthday!” she says, handing me a small wrapped package.

  “You didn’t get the memo,” I joke, attempting not to look at Luke who is standing directly beside her.

  “Of course those rules don’t apply to me.”

  “Thanks,” I say, tucking it into my purse.

  “Happy birthday, Lucy,” Luke echoes. And he too pulls me in for a hug. I try not to breathe—just the scent of him makes my mind go in a dangerous direction. His breath is warm in my ear and he wraps his arms around me tight so I can’t move. I close my eyes as a picture forms of my hands bound above me, hot wax dripping over my body, Luke’s breath a whisper on my skin. I quickly pull away. Being this close to him wreaks havoc on my body and my mind, but above all, my heart.

  “Thanks. Why don’t you guys go get a drink?” I say, motioning to the bar. Anything to get him far away from me. I go find James and stay glued to his side while I mingle. He links his fingers with mine and I hold on tight. I try not to focus on Luke, but I’m acutely aware of where he is at all times. Our eyes meet across the room and his travel down to our joined hands. He seems pained then looks away.

  I manage to do a good job avoiding him until the end of the night. I slip outside to get some fresh air and he appears moments later. “You shouldn’t be here,” I tell him.

  “I know. I just wanted to give you this.” He hands me a flat manila envelope with a card taped to the front.

  “Luke, you shouldn’t have.” I make no move to grab it even though I’m curious to know what’s inside.

  “Please, just take it,” he says. “You’ve made your feelings about us quite clear. Even though I don’t agree I’ve respected your wishes. So do me this one small favor. It won’t change anything between us, it’s just something I wanted to do for you.” Reluctantly I take the envelope from him as he walks back inside.

  “Luke,” I call out after him. He pauses but doesn’t turn around. “Thank you.”

  I stash the envelope in my bag next to Melanie’s gift then head back in. It pains me treating him this way. But I know that I have to maintain some distance or everything will fall apart. And the fallout will be greater than just the two of us. The rest of the night passes in a blur. I know I shouldn’t care, but I’m dying to know what Luke got me. Around midnight everyone clears out. I settle the bill then head back with James to his place.

  “Happy official birthday, Lucy,” he says. He leads me upstairs and as he makes love to me I try to block out thoughts of Luke. But they cloud my mind, blurring the lines between reality and fantasy.

  “That was intense,” James says as he lets out a breath.

  I nod as he pulls me in for a hug, grateful he can’t see my guilt.

  After a few minutes he says, “I’ll be right back.” He returns holding two boxes: one large and one small. “Open the big one first.”

  I tear at the paper then lift the lid.

  “It’s Tupperware. Actual Tupperware!” I say, delighted. “Where did you find it?”

  “Online. Look, the lids are interchangeable.”

  He got me a variety of sizes, just like his set.

  “It’s perfect,” I tell him.

  “That’s your practical gift. Now open this one,” he says, handing me the smaller box.

  I open it and nestled inside of the tissue paper is the Palos Verdes Blue butterfly.

  “It’s for your collection. You said it was your favorite, but I remembered you didn’t have it.”

  “Thank you,” I say, pulling him in for a kiss.

  It’s just like the one I used to have before I smashed it to pieces. I look at James and realize this man has been key in putting me back together. I vow not to let Luke ruin that. This time when we make love, James is the only face I see.

  I wake up with a start around two a.m. The manila envelope. It’s still in my purse, unopened. I turn toward James to confirm he’s sleeping soundly. I tiptoe downstairs and find my bag. I pull out the envelope and tear off the card. I trace my fingers over his handwritten note, Luke’s brief words that are heavy with meaning.

  Lucy,

  ‘Cause in a sky, ‘cause in a sky full of stars I know I saw you. I don’t think Coldplay would mind this small liberty I’ve taken with their lyrics. Because if they saw you as I do, then they would agree.

  Luke

  I take a deep breath then run my finger under the glue flap of the envelope and pull out what appears to be a certificate. It’s from the Star Naming registry. He’s named a star after me. I gasp, taking a minute to process the information. The certificate has the name of the star—Lucy Chalmers, the date it was named (he put my birthday), and the coordinates where you can find it in the sky. There’s also an astronomy booklet and sky chart, which I’ll read through later. It’s the most perfect gift I’ve ever received. Tears fill my eyes as I carefully tuck the papers back inside. I return the envelope to my bag then slip upstairs and into bed. As I stare at James a pain fills my chest. He’s perfect for me in so many ways. He’s incredibly kind, funny, and giving. But his only flaw is also his biggest: he’s not Luke.

  Chapter 32

  I don’t know how to say thank you. A text seems impersonal, and besides, I don’t even have his cell phone number. I know I shouldn’t have, but I deleted his number from my call log. Not that James checks my phone, but I don’t want any evidence of our connection. I can’t possibly send him a note for fear Melanie would find it. Nothing with a paper trail. So I guess that leaves calling him at work. I wait until close to five o’clock. Then before I lose my nerve I Google his company and dial his number. A woman answers on the second ring.

  “Brampton Hardy Media. How may I direct your call?”

  “Luke Harrison, please.”

  “Mr. Harrison is in a meeting. Can I put you through to his voicemail?”

  Hallelujah. “Yes, that would be fine.”

  The phone rings four times then clicks to voicemail. I listen to his deep baritone asking me to leave a message. And then it beeps.

  “Hi, it’s Lucy. I wanted to thank you for the star certificate. I don’t really know what to say other than it’s the most perfect gift. Honestly, you know how much I love astronomy and the stars. And now I have one of my very own. I love it and wanted to let you know it means a lot to me. I wish our circumstances were different. I really do. Thank you for the gift.” I’m about to leave it at that but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. “And thank you for respecting my wishes. Bye.”

  After I hang up I think about the universe and how we’re star-crossed lovers indeed. As hard as it is to accept, we’re just not meant to be.

  The weeks pass and I haven’t heard from Luke. I’m glad he had the sense not to call me back. What is there to say? I’ve had a busy day of meetings and I’m looking forward to
heading home. James is out of town for a conference, so I can’t wait to veg out and binge watch Scandal. My phone rings as I’m walking back to my desk. I check the caller ID and it’s a number I don’t recognize.

  “Lucy Chalmers.”

  “Lucy, it’s Luke.”

  So much for not hearing from him. “Why are you calling me at work?” I ask, making no attempt to hide my irritation.

  He’s quiet for a minute. “It’s my dad. He had a heart attack.”

  I’m instantly remorseful for my bitchy tone. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”

  “Will you come with me to the hospital? I don’t want to face him alone.”

  “What about Melanie? Can’t she go with you?”

  “I haven’t told her about him. Only you.”

  I let out breath and say, “OK. Which hospital is he at?”

  “Northwestern.”

  “I have my car. Where’s your office?”

  “Kinzie and Dearborn.”

  “Do you want me to pick you up?”

  He hesitates. Luke is always the confident one. “Are you sure?”

  I’m not sure of anything about this situation. Instead I say, “Yeah, it’s fine. You’re on the way. I’ll swing by in about twenty minutes.”

  “I’ll be ready.”

  I’m about to hang up but he says, “Oh, and Lucy. Thank you. This means a lot to me. More than you’ll ever know.”

  “It’s fine,” I say again, when clearly there is nothing fine about going to visit the sick father of your ex-lover who happens to be dating your best friend. And doing it behind her back. Crap. I finish up some emails then head to the parking garage. Luke is waiting out front when I pull up to his building. He climbs in the passenger seat and my car immediately feels too small. He angles himself in my direction so he’s turned toward me. It’s a bit unnerving, not only that he’s staring at me, but being in such close proximity.

  “Nice car,” he says. “It suits you.”