Light Switch

by Lauren Gallagher

  He said nothing. Instead, he rose, offering both of his hands. When I took them, he pulled me to my feet, and his lips met mine as we both fumbled with the buttons on each other’s shirts. Kissing and undressing, we slowly moved toward the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind us just as we had the first time we fucked after going to the dance club.

  With every step, with every article of clothing shed, the hunger between us intensified. Kisses deepened, grasps tightened, breaths became shallower and more ragged. More than once, I wanted to pull him down to the floor and beg to have him right then and there, but I forced myself to get all the way into the bedroom.

  He laid me down and pulled me to the edge of the bed before dropping to his knees beside it. Caressing my inner thighs with his hands and lips, he worked his way toward my aching pussy.

  The instant his mouth reached my pussy, I was in orbit. His fingers slipped inside me and he gently licked and sucked my clit. I closed my eyes and moaned, my hands combing through his hair.

  In spite of his unmistakable hunger, he was in no hurry at all: exploring me with his mouth and fingers, giving me breathtaking pleasure, but it was as if he was drawing it out, keeping me from climaxing until he was ready to let me go. Matt savored my pussy the way he savored my kiss.

  The ache intensified with each stroke of his fingers and sweep of his tongue. I fought to breathe at all, let alone with any kind of steady rhythm, taking in a gasp of air whenever the lightning bolts rushing through me subsided enough, only to let it out in a shuddering moan a second later.

  I pushed myself against his mouth, tried to beg him to let me come, but only a whimper came out. And still he continued, his fingers and tongue orchestrating every sensation that rushed through me, deliberately letting it go on and on, until at last he brought me to the edge and sent me over it.

  My entire body seized, and my cries of pleasure were almost sobs as the powerful sensations overwhelmed me.

  He slowly withdrew his fingers. I closed my eyes, struggling to catch my breath, swallowing hard as I heard the nightstand drawer open, close.

  He made quick work of getting the condom out and on. We moved all the way onto the bed, and he got on top of me. Propping himself up on one arm, he guided his cock to me, pushing in slightly, then withdrawing. After a few strokes like that, he pulled almost all the way out, then leaned down and kissed me. Just as our lips met, he thrust all the way inside me, his mouth capturing the breath I released.

  “I love fucking you right after you’ve come,” he said, sliding his arms under my back and grasping my shoulders for leverage. “Your pussy is so tight and—” His lips brushed mine, and instead of continuing with his thought, he kissed me.

  So close on the heels of an orgasm, the way he thrust into me was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Fast, deep, hard, and right in the middle of a kiss like that. It may have been seconds, or maybe minutes, but it didn’t take long at all for him to make me come a second time.

  Before I’d even recovered from that trip into the stratosphere, Matt bent and whispered in my ear, “Get on your knees.” It wasn’t a command or an order; it was almost a breathy plea. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to move with these molten bones and trembling muscles, but I’d be damned if I was going to deny him what he wanted just then. I nodded, and he pulled out and sat back, offering his hand as I rose.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  I slid my hand around the back of his neck. “Just fine.”

  He smiled. “You’re fucking amazing, you know that?”

  I grinned and kissed him. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

  “I certainly hope not.” He nodded toward the bed. “Come on. On your knees before I go out of my mind.”

  I shivered and did as he asked. I’d barely settled onto my forearms before his hands were on my hips, and a mere heartbeat later, he was inside me again.

  “That is beautiful.” His voice was throaty and hoarse. “Watching myself—” He pulled out, then pushed back in. “Disappear into you. Oh God…” His hands trembled on my hips. “I wish you could see what I’m seeing,” he said, his voice unsteady. “You just don’t know how beautiful this is.”

  “Tell me,” I said.

  “You’re—” He sucked in a breath and shuddered. His rhythm faltered slightly. “Everything about this… it’s…” He groaned and gripped my hips tighter. “Watching you take every last…every last inch… and…” Another shudder drove him into me, and he fucked me faster, still struggling to speak as he did. “Christ, baby, I can’t even…” He trailed off into a moan.

  Then his hand left my hip and brushed my hair aside, over one shoulder. I sensed his body shifting and his hand came down beside mine as he braced himself on the bed. A rush of breath escaped my throat when his lips touched the back of my neck, then my shoulder. His hot skin was against my back now, his breath on my neck sending chills through me.

  He thrust with just his hips now, moving inside me in ways I’d never felt. He kissed my neck and shifted his weight to one arm, never losing his rhythm as his other hand moved down my body to my clit. I moaned as he circled it with not one, but two fingers, moving at precisely the same speed his cock moved inside me.

  “Do you like that?”

  “I love it.” My voice sounded like someone else’s. A lightning bolt of pleasure went through me and I moaned when my pussy involuntarily tightened around him. He gasped and nearly broke his rhythm, faltered again when I tightened again.

  “Fuck me harder,” I begged, startled by the sound of my own voice, by my own need for more.

  But he didn’t. He stopped and pulled out in spite of my whimpered protests.

  “I want to be able to see your face,” he whispered. “I want to see you come.”

  I didn’t hesitate. As I turned around, though, he caught the back of my neck with one hand and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck and together we sank down to the bed. With a slow, smooth motion of his hips, he was inside me, his lips never leaving mine as he took long, smooth strokes. I grasped his shoulders and hooked my ankles behind his back. We both gasped, the kiss breaking, and each time we tried to meet each other’s mouths, we failed. Missed. Missed again. Eventually gave up. His lips went to my neck. I kissed his shoulder, digging my fingers into his back.

  “Oh, God, Matt,” I moaned.

  He groaned softly, exhaling against my neck. His shoulder moved, then his entire torso shifted. A second later, his hand slid under my thigh. I unhooked my ankles, letting him slide his arm under my knee and bring my leg up toward my chest. A helpless cry escaped my lips as the new angle positioned his cock right against my G-spot.

  “Jesus, you’re so tight like this,” he said. “Oh God, you feel fucking perfect.”

  Icy-hot lightning rippled through me and I arched my back.

  “Let yourself go,” he whispered, and in that same heartbeat, I did just that, a helpless cry coming from somewhere deep inside as I climaxed for the third time that night, the force of my orgasm almost driving me to tears as Matt kept fucking me, as he growled “that’s right, baby, oh God, that’s right,” into my ear and rode my orgasm all the way to the end. He started to kiss me just as it tapered off, but a throaty roar escaped his lips, breaking the kiss before it had begun. He slammed himself as deep into me as he could go and shuddered with his own climax.

  We held each other, trembling and sweating. I ran my fingers through his hair and when he lifted his head, I kissed him. I tasted him, breathed him, lost myself in this overwhelming closeness to him. I couldn’t get enough of him.

  Eventually, he got up to get rid of the condom. Then we sank back down to the bed together, and I rested my head on his shoulder, listening to his heart pound in time with mine.

  It was only now, in the fading afterglow of such passionate sex, that all my earlier concerns came crawling back. Scott. What about Scott?

  Matt hadn’t just made me forget about Scott and all of my intense, intimidating feelings.
This wasn’t simple distraction or diversion. From the first time he’d kissed me in front of the movie to the last powerful thrust he’d taken inside me, he’d been the object of those intense, intimidating feelings.

  Resting my head on his shoulder, I closed my eyes as the knot tightened in my gut.

  Whatever all these feelings were, whatever all of this meant, one thing was becoming abundantly clear: I was firmly planted in the middle of a straight line, standing equidistant between two points. I wasn’t sure if, with a gun to my head, I could have chosen between those two points.

  Sex with one didn’t diminish my need for the other.

  Maybe I wasn’t in love with Scott after all. With good—no, great—sex comes intimacy, and after four years with Alec, I’d been so long without that kind of intimacy, I supposed it was easy to confuse it with love. If I felt the same way for both Matt and Scott, that must have been it.

  Matt shifted next to me, gently freeing his arm and turning onto his side. I mirrored him, and we faced each other in silence. He ran his fingers down my cheek, along my jaw, and around to the back of my neck. Fabric hissed across skin and the pillow whispered of shifting weight as he leaned forward to kiss me lightly. He drew back, paused, and came back for more.

  My heart fluttered as his lips moved so gently, so tenderly against my own. Between my fingers, his hair was still cool and damp with sweat, a reminder of everything we’d just done. Everything that was supposed to be just physical. Just sex. As he kissed me the way only a lover would, I couldn’t quite convince myself it was just sex anymore. If anything, it was just us. When we were in bed together, nothing existed beyond this room. Nothing except the one other man who could make me feel this way.

  Matt’s lips left mine and our eyes met. In the low light, I could barely see his face or my fingers trailing down his cheek, but I could see enough to know there was no other place I wanted to look right then.

  Oh God. I am falling in love with him.

  I loved Scott.

  I loved Matt.

  Fucking hell. This is going to get complicated.

  Chapter 34

  We fell asleep that night without exchanging more than a few words. The next morning, our respective jobs took us in separate directions, and all day long, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling in my gut that we needed to talk. Like, now.

  I desperately needed to talk to him, but I couldn’t reach him. For days, my calls went unreturned and my e-mails unanswered. Each day that passed without contact unnerved me a little more.

  The longer the silence went on, the more nervous I became. Was he avoiding me for the same reason I sought him out? We’d made love, of that I had no doubt, and I wondered if he regretted it. If he thought we’d gone too far down a road we’d never intended to travel. And maybe we had, but that night couldn’t have been a mistake. It was too hot, too perfect. But was it too intimate?

  On Saturday night, he finally e-mailed me, but only to say he wouldn’t make our Sunday run. On Wednesday, he didn’t show up to play poker. Throughout the week, his car came and went and the lights in his apartment darkened and glowed, but our paths didn’t cross. Even when I was with Scott, or with Scott and Byron, I couldn’t get Matt off my mind or my conscience.

  It was Friday before we finally ran into each other on the sidewalk. I’d planned to go run some errands that evening, and carefully timed my exit to coincide with his return from work. Just as I’d hoped, right about the time I came downstairs, his car turned into the communal parking lot behind our buildings.

  When he got out of the car, I was a few feet away. There was no surprise in his expression when he looked at me, so he must have seen me in one of his mirrors.

  He closed the car door and locked it. Then he faced me, but he didn’t look me in the eye.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey.”

  Days of trying to reach him, and now that I’d found him, I was at a loss for what to say. “I, um, I haven’t seen you around much.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he said. “I’ve been around. Just, you know, had a few things going on.”

  “Oh.” I shifted my weight. “Everything okay?”

  His eyes flicked up and met mine for a fleeting second. Then he looked away and nodded, clearing his throat. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “Which is why you’re looking anywhere but right at me?”

  With a somewhat sheepish expression, he met my eyes.

  “You’ve been avoiding me.” I cringed. The words had come out as more of an accusation than I’d intended. Gentler now, I said, “Matt, what’s going on?”

  His gaze dropped. His shoulders followed. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’ve just had some shit to sort out in my head. And I…” He trailed off, cursing under his breath.

  “Whatever it is,” I said. “Just tell me, I—”

  “I love you.”

  My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. “You— what?”

  With what must have bee a great deal of effort, he looked me in the eye, “I love you, Kris.”

  A mixture of both relief and renewed worry flooded through me. “Matt, I love—”

  “Don’t say it unless you mean it,” he snapped, but the unsteadiness of his voice undermined whatever anger he’d tried to inject into it.

  I blinked. “What makes you think I don’t?”

  He set his jaw and exhaled sharply, but didn’t respond.

  “Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?”

  His cheeks darkened. Then he nodded slowly.

  “Matt…” I took a step toward him, but he stiffened, so I stopped. “You love me, but you’re keeping me at arm’s length?”

  Rubbing the back of his neck, he shifted his weight. “I do. And yeah, I guess I am. This is just…” He released another sharp breath. “It’s complicated.”

  Oh, you’re not wrong there.

  “Then let’s talk it through,” I said. “I do love you.” He flinched, and my stomach turned with guilt and worry and the sickening pre-emptive grief that comes with knowing something—someone—was slipping through my fingers. “I mean it,” I whispered, trying to keep my voice even. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

  Matt sniffed sharply, then looked at me. “And what about Scott?”

  My stomach turned even harder. Before I could speak, though, he went on.

  “I thought I could handle what you were doing with him. And in the beginning, I could. It was fine. But, things have changed.”

  And oh, how right he was. Things had changed. I hadn’t been looking for love, and now I was in love with two men. Two men who I could neither have nor choose between if my life depended on it.

  I dropped my gaze. “I know. Things have changed. And I…” I shook my head. “I don’t know what the answer is.”

  He chewed his lip. “Neither do I. I’ve been avoiding you for the last few days because I didn’t know how to tell you. Or where to go from here.”

  “That makes two of us,” I said softly.

  He gave a resigned half-shrug, the gesture making him look not just upset and confused, but exhausted. Passing cars and the noise of the city almost drowned out his voice when at last he spoke.

  “All I know is that I can’t ask you to choose between us, Kristen.” His voice cracked and he trailed off, staring at the pavement. “I wouldn’t even think of it, not with…”

  “Not with what?”

  He took a breath and finally looked at me. In the silvery glow of the streetlights, his eyes were just a little shinier. “Not with the way I’ve seen you look at him.”

  My heart fell into my feet. “Matt—”

  “I can’t ask you to choose between us, but I can’t pretend I don’t feel this way.” The silence that followed was heavy with something yet unspoken. Matt swallowed hard. “So I’m making the choice.”

  With that, he turned to go.

  It only took a few taps of
his shoes on the pavement for the shock to wear off enough to make way for deep, gut-turning panic. No, no, I couldn’t let him walk away.

  “Matt, wait.”

  He stopped and looked over his shoulder, but didn’t turn around.

  “Please,” I whispered. “I don’t want you to go.”

  “Do you want him to go?”

  I bit my lip. What was I supposed to say to that?

  He nodded once, sharply. “That’s what I thought.”

  When he walked away this time, I didn’t stop him. I just watched him go, my mind silently screaming for him to come back. I wanted to run after him, but my legs wouldn’t listen. Maybe they knew better than I did that it was futile.

  Matt paused at the entrance to his building.

  He didn’t look back.

  He didn’t look at me.

  And with a shimmer of streetlights on a glass door, he was gone.

  Chapter 35

  A week passed. I neither saw nor spoke to Matt. I didn’t call Scott. By the end of the second week, he’d stopped calling me. Guilt and confusion consumed me. Day or night, I could think of nothing else, and at the end of that second week, I was no closer to figuring out what to do than I’d been the moment Matt walked away from me.

  If I figured anything out during that time, it was the single biggest downside of getting involved with my two best friends: who the hell was I supposed to turn to for advice when things hit the skids? Had I been seeing Matt, I’d have gone to Scott. If I’d been with Scott, I’d have gone to Matt.

  More than once, Alec’s voice reverberated through my mind: “I’ll go, and you can have all the crazy, freakish sex you want. Mark my words, though. In a few months, after you’ve had a little fun and realize how sick it all is, you’ll regret this.”

  Oh, I didn’t regret kicking him out, but I certainly had my regrets. Not for the sex, as he’d predicted, but the emotional aftermath of the same.

  I needed some advice, and I needed it badly. I needed to talk to someone who didn’t need to first get his or her head around the arrangement I’d had with Matt and Scott. Someone who understood what we’d been doing in the first place, never mind how to fix it after it had gone off the rails.