Light Switch

by Lauren Gallagher

  Fortunately, I knew just such a person, and I exhaled with more than a little relief when Byron walked into the café where I waited.

  Out in public, he painted a completely different picture than he did at the club or in Scott’s dungeon. He wore a plain white T-shirt tucked into comfortable but form-fitting jeans, and the only leather to be found was his belt.

  “Hey, you,” he said, smiling as I stood to greet him. We exchanged a friendly hug and he kissed my cheek. Then we took our seats.

  I tapped my thumb on the edge of the table. “Thanks for coming.”

  “No problem.”

  “Can I take your order?” The waitress appeared out of nowhere and set glasses of ice water in front of both of us.

  Byron glanced at me. Then he looked at her. “Just a Coke for me, thanks.”

  “I’ll have the same.”

  “Two Cokes.” As quickly as she’d appeared, the waitress was gone.

  “Anyway,” Byron said. “You were saying?” He picked up his glass, and a gold band on his left hand caught my eye.

  I gestured at the ring. “I didn’t know you were married.”

  He took a drink, then nodded. “Charlotte and I have been married for almost nine years. I just don’t wear my ring when we play.”

  A glimmer of hope flickered to life in my mind. “So, you’re polyamorous, then?”

  “No, no, not us.” He smiled. “We’ll play with other subs and Doms, but our relationship? It’s just the two of us. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Lines of concern creased his forehead. “So anyway, what’s up? Something wrong?”

  “Well, sort of, it’s—”

  “Two Cokes,” the waitress announced.

  When she was gone again, Byron sipped his Coke and looked at me. “You were saying?”

  I let out a breath. “I don’t even know where to start.”

  He steepled his fingers in front of his lips. “Well, would it be safe to assume it has something to do with Scott?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, it does.” I took a breath. “Here’s the thing. Scott and I have been friends for years. When he found out I wanted to give kink a try, he offered to take me under his wing and introduce me to it.”

  “And you could definitely do worse than having him as a Dom.” He smiled. “I’m sure you know that already.”

  “You’re not wrong there.”

  His smile fell. “So, what happened?”

  “Well, things were fine for a while, but then I got involved with my other best friend. And I’ve been involved with both of them for a while now.”

  Byron’s eyebrows lifted. “Is she—”

  “He.”

  “Oh.” A cautious smile played at his lips and he inclined his head. “You were the girl who preferred to go build tree forts with the boys rather than play dolls with the girls, weren’t you?”

  “How did you know?”

  “Your two best friends are men and you’re asking relationship advice from a man instead of a woman.”

  “Point taken. I’ve always been more comfortable with male friends. I don’t know why.” I paused. “That, and you’re the only one I know besides Scott who wouldn’t have to spend an hour just fitting my arrangement with Matt and Scott into your head before we got to the advice part.”

  Byron laughed. “Fair enough.” He folded his hands and rested his forearms on the edge of the table. “Anyway, go on. You and your other friend…?”

  I played with the coaster under my drink. “We had a casual thing going. Just like I had with Scott.” I chewed my lip. “But, things haven’t stayed very casual.”

  “With Scott or the other guy?”

  “Both.”

  Byron’s eyes widened slightly and he sat back. “I see.”

  “Matt told me the other night that he loved me.” I swallowed hard. “Right before he walked away.”

  “Wait, wait, wait.” Byron shook his head. “He told you he loved you, then he walked away?”

  I nodded. “Because he didn’t want to make me choose between him and Scott.”

  “Oh.” He tapped his fingers on the side of his glass. “Did he think you’d choose Scott over him?”

  “I think so.” I sighed.

  “Let me ask you this,” he said. “If you had to choose between them, who would you pick?”

  I shook my head. “I couldn’t. I don’t think I could if my life depended on it.” Rubbing the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger, I sighed. “I don’t want to hurt either of them, I don’t want to lose either friendship, but…”

  “I can see why you’re confused. I don’t envy you.”

  “So, what do I do?”

  “Talk to them. That’s about all you can do.”

  I blew out a breath and ran a hand through my hair. “Fuck, I wish I’d known from the beginning that things would get this complicated.”

  Byron sat up, resting his forearms on the table. “So, your other friend left, but what about Scott? What happened with him?”

  “Nothing, really. I haven’t talked to him.” Shame twisted in my gut. “I feel like an ass, I just… I haven’t been able to face him.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I…” I hesitated. “Because my relationship with him is the reason Matt backed away, and…” I sketched a frustrated gesture with one hand before I shook my head and sighed.

  Byron was silent for a moment, brow furrowed as he stared with unfocused eyes at the center of the table. At long last, his gaze rose to meet mine. “This whole thing with them,” he said. “Getting involved with your friend, having Scott train you as a sub, everything.” He inclined his head. “Do you regret it?”

  I chewed my lip. Did I?

  “Kristen?”

  “Yes.” I stared into my drink. “Yes, I do.”

  “Do you really?”

  Sighing I let my head fall forward so I could rub the back of my neck. “It wasn’t worth it. It was fun, it was hot, it got me out of the rut I was in with my ex-boyfriend, but if it’s even damaged my friendships with them?” I looked up, shaking my head. “Then it just wasn’t worth it.”

  Byron’s eyebrows knitted together. “I’m sorry it turned out this way for you.”

  “So am I,” I said. “It might have been okay if I’d only gotten emotionally involved with one of them, but that’s a moot point. And now? I can’t even begin to choose between them.”

  “Then maybe that’s your choice.”

  “What? To have both of them?”

  He nodded.

  “Matt would never go for that. I don’t even think I could handle it.”

  “But you can’t change how you feel. And if the only honest choice for you is both of them, then,” he paused, shrugging, “then that’s your choice. That’s what you should tell them.”

  “And I could lose both of them.”

  “That’s out of your hands.” He leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. “But it’s what you feel. It’s the truth. And it would be better to lose them both to honesty than win one of them through a lie.”

  “Good point.”

  “It’s not going to be easy, but I can’t imagine any solution to this that would be.” He offered an apologetic shrug. “The only simple answer is that there is no simple answer to something like this.”

  “Damn it, Byron,” I said, laughing in spite of myself. “You were supposed to have the magic, easy answer.”

  He chuckled. “Why do you think I stay relatively monogamous? Far too complicated for my taste.” A grin crinkled the corners of his eyes. “Trust me, my hands are full enough with Charlotte.”

  “I can imagine.” I managed another half-hearted laugh, then sat back, exhaling hard. “I just don’t know how this will pan out. I don’t want to hurt them, but I’m not sure if there’s any way to solve this without someone getting hurt.”

  “There may not be a way to keep from hurting everyone involved.” He steepled his fingers again. “My suggestion is to be completely straig
htforward with both of them. If you’ve been able to maintain this situation all this time, I’m assuming you can communicate with them pretty easily. Your best bet is to sit both of them down, lay it all out on the table, and go from there.”

  “I’m just afraid that’ll blow up in my face.”

  “It already has, Kristen. Honesty and open communication are the only things that are going to fix it now.”

  I chewed my lip. “I don’t know if those even stand a chance.”

  “Well, if anything can...”

  “True.”

  He reached across the table and rested a hand on my arm. His voice low and gentle, he said, “I know you can get through this, Kristen. It’s not going to be easy, and the end result might hurt, but you’re a strong woman.” He grinned. “If you can put Victor in his place, you can set things right with these two.”

  I smiled in spite of the knot in the pit of my stomach. I hoped he was right.

  Chapter 36

  I watched the ancient clock on the bathroom counter, holding my breath as the faded numbers seemed frozen at six fifty-nine. After an eternity, they flipped to seven o’clock.

  I exhaled hard. My senses shifted toward the still, silent air around me, searching for any indication that someone was at my door.

  Any minute. They’d be here any minute.

  Just before I left the bathroom to go into the living room, I took one last look at my reflection. My shoulders slouched under the weight of the world, and lack of sleep darkened the skin beneath my eyes. I looked like hell and felt worse.

  Clicking off the light, I went into the living room, sank into a chair, and waited.

  I wondered who would get there first. Neither Matt nor Scott made a habit of being late, but if they hung back a little this time, if they weren’t in a huge rush to get here, I couldn’t blame them. I hadn’t told them why I’d asked them over, only that I wanted to talk to them.

  Neither knew the other was coming. I wondered if they’d run into each other in the elevator or hallway. If they did, would they agree this was a waste of time and leave before they made it to my front door?

  I prayed they made it all the way here. I had no illusions that the subsequent conversation would be fun, but it needed to happen. Tonight. It couldn’t wait. There was no simple, painless solution, but they needed to know. I owed them that much. I owed it to them to be honest. Holding onto Byron’s advice for dear life, I promised myself I would be, but even his wisdom offered only so much comfort.

  It would be better to lose them both to honesty than win one of them through a lie.

  Closing my eyes, I rested my elbows on my knees and rubbed my forehead. Matt had already made his choice, but he’d done so thinking I couldn’t love him like I loved Scott. Or while I loved Scott. Whether it swayed his decision or not, I needed him to know the truth. I needed both of them to know.

  The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

  I froze.

  My front door muffled the scuff of footsteps on carpet. Footsteps that approached slowly, tentatively, and stopped.

  I rose, staring at my door and listening over the deafening whisper of my own clothing rustling with my slow movement. I prayed for a knock. Prayed for retreating footsteps. Prayed for it to be Matt or Scott. Prayed for anyone but them.

  Three knocks sent my heart rate through the roof.

  I went to the door, and when I opened it, Matt’s tired eyes met mine.

  “Hey.” I dropped my gaze and stood back to let him in.

  “Hey.” He hesitated, and for a moment, I was afraid he wouldn’t follow me inside. He did, but he kept his distance.

  “Thanks for coming.”

  “No problem.”

  “I just, I needed to talk to you.” I swallowed. “To both of you.”

  Matt’s posture stiffened. “Scott’s here too?”

  “Not yet.”

  His lips thinned. Looking at the floor between us, he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed.

  My cramped, claustrophobic hallway was suddenly cavernous, echoing with the silence that hung in the miles of distance between Matt and me. He was little more than an arm’s length away, but he was light years beyond my reach.

  I hoped to God Scott showed up soon. The only conversation I could think to make just then was the one I needed to have with both of them, and I wasn’t sure how much uncomfortable silence Matt would take before he left.

  Footsteps outside. My nerve endings prickled with the same fear and worry that made my heart beat dangerously fast. Matt’s jaw tightened and his eyes flicked toward the door a second before the first knock.

  “That would be Scott,” I said, barely whispering.

  When I opened the door, our eyes met. Scott’s usual cockiness was completely absent, and in its place was uncertainty. He glanced over my shoulder and jumped as if he’d been shocked, most likely at the sight of Matt. Like Matt—like me—Scott didn’t know how this evening would progress, nor how it would end, and he wore his apprehension on his sleeve.

  I stood aside to let him past. After I’d shut the door, I paused, my back to both of them, and took a deep breath. No turning back now.

  Behind me, denim rustled as Matt shifted his weight. They may have exchanged uncertain glances, but I didn’t look at either of them. Even when I turned around, I kept my eyes down.

  “Why don’t we take this into the living room?” I didn’t give either of them a chance to respond before I went ahead of them. After a second, someone fell into step with me. Then the other. We moved from the hallway into the living room, but none of us sat. I rested my hip against the sofa. Matt stood near the door to the kitchen, arms folded across his chest and gaze fixed on anything that wasn’t Scott or me. Scott leaned against the wall on the other side of the room.

  I took a deep breath. “Listen, I wanted to talk to both of you about…” I hesitated. “About what we are— were doing.”

  They both looked at me, eyebrows lifting slightly. Neither spoke.

  “This was supposed to be just about sex,” I said, my voice shaking, “it was just supposed to be fun. With both of you. And—”

  “Krissy,” Scott said, “you—”

  “—I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with either of you, let alone both of you.”

  They both took in sharp breaths. The words hung between the three of us, the air tightening with unasked questions. I hadn’t intended to blurt it out like that, but there it was.

  My shoulders dropped as I exhaled hard. I ran a hand through my hair. “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with both of you. But I did.”

  They glanced at each other, then at me. When neither of them spoke, I went on.

  “The thing is, you always hear about women wanting a man who’s also her best friend.” I hugged myself, trying desperately to keep from shaking. “And that’s what I have in both of you. You’re my best friends, you’ve both been my lovers, and I…” I wetted my lips, gulping back the lump that tried to rise in my throat. “I don’t want to hurt either of you, but I don’t know how to choose between you. Matt, I know you’ve already made a choice. I just can’t help feeling like this isn’t settled.”

  He tightened his lips and released a long breath through his nose. Scott didn’t move, didn’t speak.

  Their silence did nothing to help me keep my composure, and my voice shook when I went on. “That’s it. That’s the honest truth. I don’t know where to go from here, but…” I took a deep breath. “I needed you both to know.” There. It was all out. Nothing left to say, nothing left to do except let the chips fall where they would.

  Matt closed his eyes and released a sharp breath. He rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. Scott shifted his weight, eyes darting back and forth between Matt and me.

  Finally, he broke the silence, “Who says you can’t have both of us?”

  “How the hell would that work?” Matt asked. Then he raised an eyebrow. “Wait, you’re talking about that polyamou
ry thing, aren’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  Matt put his hands up and shook his head. “No way. No, I can’t—”

  “Why not?” Scott asked.

  “I can’t do it either,” I said.

  Scott sighed. “Krissy, we’ve been doing it all along.”

  “That’s not how it started out,” I said. “This was just a sexual thing. It wasn’t supposed to get…” I dropped my gaze for a moment. Finally I looked at Matt, then Scott. “It wasn’t supposed to get to this point.”

  Scott nodded. “It wasn’t supposed to—”

  “But it did,” Matt broke in.

  “Yes, it did,” Scott said. “So there’s no sense dwelling on what was or wasn’t supposed to happen. It did, here we are, and I think we’d all like to work it out as painlessly as possible.”

  “How the fuck is that even possible?” Matt snapped.

  “A little open-mindedness could get us somewhere,” Scott said through his teeth.

  Matt scowled, but said nothing.

  Scott’s eyes darted back and forth between us. “This isn’t how I would normally start a poly relationship, but, it kind of happened on its own.” He looked at me. “Prior to the day one of us admitted to having feelings like this, had your relationship with me taken away at all from your relationship with him?”

  “No. If anything—” I chewed my lip, glancing back and forth between them before I went on. “If anything, being with both of you has made things even better. Sexually, I mean.”

  “And has it detracted at all from the way things are emotionally? For either of you?”

  Matt and I both shook our heads.

  Scott put his hands up. “So how does—”

  “It’s the way she feels about you.” Matt said. He looked at me. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted in a woman, Kris, but how am I supposed to feel when you’re basically telling me I’m not enough to make you happy?”

  “That’s not how it is at all,” I said. “You’re not inadequate, you’re not lacking, you’re—”

  “I’m not Scott,” he said through clenched teeth.