Surrendered

by Jennifer Sienes

  “It’s easier to get stuff done when we’re closed.”

  “No.” She drops the pen and looks up at me. “Why are you here at all? Tess told me you’re a doctor, which, to be honest, doesn’t surprise me in the least. So why aren’t you out there”—she waves a hand around—“doctoring?”

  Talk about a one-two punch. “Tess put you up to this, didn’t she? You just get off the phone with her?”

  Julia pushes out of the chair. “No. I’m pretty good at thinking for myself. And I think there’s more going on here than meets the eye.”

  Smart lady. “I can’t tell you any more than I could Tess.”

  She rounds the desk and sits on it, hands gripping the edge. “She’s in love with you.”

  It takes a beat to find my breath. The words are like a punch in the solar plexus. “She doesn’t trust me.”

  “She would if you’d be upfront with her.”

  “She’ll know the truth soon enough, but it won’t inspire trust. Just the opposite.”

  She frowns. “If that’s true, you’re only delaying the inevitable. Do you care about her at all?”

  “What do you think?” The words are harsh. Aren’t my feelings for Tess stamped on my face? Stoic only goes so far. I step past her and move behind the desk. The office is too cramped for all this emotion.

  She whirls to face me, hands now flat on the desk, eyes pleading. “Then don’t do this, Jake. If you know, really know the truth will hurt Tess, then don’t prolong it. Hasn’t she been through enough?”

  Clenching my jaw, I shake my head. “I made a promise.”

  “Then maybe it’s time you reassess where your allegiance lies.” She storms out of the office, slamming the door for good measure.

  Distracted by the confrontation, it takes a moment to realize there’s no paperwork on the desk. Julia wasn’t working. She was waiting for me. Waiting to lambast me for not being responsible with Tess’s emotions. And she’s right. We can’t take lightly our responsibilities to others. Isn’t that what I told Anthony a few months back? He had no right to tank Katie’s future along with his. And neither do I have the right to tank Tess’s.

  Even if I’m in love with her. Especially if I’m in love with her.

  Why didn’t I take Tess into consideration when I committed myself to a year here? How could I have known that the exasperating, strong-willed Tess would somehow worm her way into my heart?

  There’s only one thing I can do.

  A couple clicks on the computer and my email’s open. With a deep breath, and a prayer for guidance and understanding, I put an end to my promise. Tess’ll be angry either way, but the sooner I’m out of here, the less collateral damage left behind.

  Chapter 37

  Tess

  I wasn’t on campus more than five minutes before I heard someone say Professor Fields had been arrested. Those words should bring with them a sense of accomplishment and gratitude that he’d pay for violating me. And it did. Just not to the extent I’d imagined. Shouldn’t I be dancing on the quad, praising God that justice will be served?

  Jake would probably say I was beating myself up over not coming forward sooner. And I’ve no doubt there is a small part of me that may never be able to put that wholly in the past. But I’ve held onto the angst, the shame, and the fear of the last ten years for far too long. The attack was awful. But holding onto those self-inflicted emotions may do more damage in the end. Jake’s right. It’s time to put the past to bed.

  A chilly breeze whips my jacket open, and I hug it around my body as I cross to the Student Center for a cup of something hot. Coffee or tea, or maybe hot chocolate. Leaves rain down from the giant oaks that are older than the school itself as I pass a group of students.

  “Did you hear…” one girl is saying, her head bowed against the wind. It’s the theme of the day, or maybe the week.

  “Tess.”

  My heart hitches to my throat when my name’s spoken from just behind me. I whirl on wobbly legs to face Stephanie. “You should warn a person, girl.”

  She puts her arm through mine and bends her head close. “Everyone’s talking about it.” Her face is pale, eyes darting around.

  “It’ll die down in a day or two. Are you doing okay?”

  “My mom’s insisting that I get counseling.”

  “Smart mom.”

  “Did you get counseling?”

  “I was too busy pretending it didn’t happen. I’m going to the Center. Let’s get something to drink then we can talk.”

  “I only have—”

  “I know. A few minutes. You need a new line.”

  She gives me a sad smile.

  “Come on. I’ll buy you a hot chocolate.”

  Although Stephanie claims to have only a few minutes, we get our drinks and she walks back across campus with me. We find a bench between two buildings, sheltered from the breeze.

  She takes a sip of her drink, then puts it on the bench between us, hugging herself. “Do you think everyone will know. I mean, that it was us?”

  I’d like to assure her that her anonymity is safe, but I know better. “It’s kind of hard to keep something like this quiet, Steph. There will be a trial and reporters and who knows what all.”

  “My boyfriend isn’t taking it so well.”

  I frown. “He’s not blaming you, is he?”

  She shrugs. “Not in so many words. But he’s changed. His attitude, I mean.”

  “I don’t want to spread doom and gloom, but it’s possible it’ll take him a while to get past this.”

  She shifts to face me. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  I open my mouth to say no, but the word gets stuck. Do I? Jake and I have been dancing around each other for weeks now. We’ve never been on a date, but he’s kissed me and held my hand and protected me. What is that? “I had a boyfriend back then, when it happened.” Why can’t I just say it? Rape. Not naming it doesn’t change the facts.

  “What happened with him?”

  “I broke up with him. I couldn’t take the pressure of pretending I was okay when I wasn’t.”

  “So, he knew?”

  I shake my head. “No. But that didn’t matter. I was the one with the problem, and his knowing wouldn’t have changed anything.” I look at her. “Give yourself the time and space to heal, Steph. If he really cares about you, he’ll wait.”

  Tears swim in her eyes, and she looks away. Maybe she’d already come to that conclusion on her own.

  Staring past the building, I lightly rub her back as she pulls a tissue from her pocket. The wake of damage that man left behind is far and wide. My own eyes burn for her. And for Cierra, and Elizabeth, and Kirsten. And for me. Would I be married with children if he’d not…raped me? Or did God have other plans all along? Is Jake part of that plan?

  Stephanie swipes at her eyes. “I should get going. Thanks for the chocolate. And the talk.”

  I stand with her and give her a hug. “You have my phone number. Call if you need anything, even if it’s just to talk.”

  She nods.

  I watch her walk out of sight as I collect my backpack. A woman passes my field of vision, and I do a double-take. Where do I know her from? Blonde and trim. A professor, maybe? My gut clenches the moment I recognize her. Professor Fields’ wife.

  I snatch up my chocolate and speed walk to catch up to her, dumping it in the first garbage can I pass. What’s she doing here? She shifts the tote bag on her shoulder and, head down, passes the bookstore toward the faculty parking lot. Is she aware of all the talk on campus, about her husband and the vile things he’s done? Did she know about him? How could she, and still be married to him?

  Not twenty feet from her, I step into the street to follow. I open my mouth to call out, but my heart’s beating so fast, I fear it’ll explode in my chest. Even if I have the guts to talk to her, what would I say?

  Pulling her keys from her purse, she points the fob and stops at a BMW. Rounding to the driver’s side, she pull
s the door open and looks up, her eyes catching mine. Her face is ashen, her lips pinched tight. Not the same woman I saw on that night. This woman has pain etched in every line of her face.

  “Are you following me?” Her voice is shaky, vulnerable.

  “Are you Mrs. Fields?” I blurt the words before I chicken out. Please, God, I don’t know what I’m doing here.

  She straightens, shoulders back. “What do you want?”

  “My name is Tess O’Shay. I was a student of your husband’s.” I wait for some sign of recognition, but there’s nothing.

  “I’ll tell him you send your regards.”

  “No.” Hand out, I step toward her. My legs feel as if I’ve run a mile up hill, and my heart’s beating so hard I fight for air. “I…” What? I hate your husband? I think he’s the vilest man on earth? I feel sorry for you? Oh God, what do you want me to say? “Did you know?”

  She watches me as one would a rabid animal, one hand resting on the roof of her car, the other clutching her keys.

  “About your husband. Were you aware that he was”—I swallow tears and bile and anger so raw I want to scream—“raping women?”

  She shakes her head, eyes tearing.

  “For years.” The words come out on a sob. It’s all I can do to stand my ground.

  “I didn’t.” Her words are so low, I almost miss them. Her face crumples, along with her posture.

  I stare at this slight woman, bent over the door of her car, and know she’s a victim too. Stepping closer, I hug my arms across my stomach and look at her. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I have a feeling the next several months will be as hard on you as the rest of us. You’ll be in my prayers.” And with those words, a sense of peace and calm fills me.

  * * *

  Jake

  Guided by a harvest moon, I cross the O’Shay backyard with one thing in mind—sleep. The restaurant was busy tonight and short staffed, which seems to be the norm lately. Soon, it won’t be my responsibility. It takes a couple tries on the dark-shadowed porch to get the key in the lock. As I open the door, I’m halted. Some might say it’s a premonition, and maybe it is. All I know is my gaze is drawn to Tess’s kitchen window and the movement within the dark room.

  If I had the brains God gave me, I’d go to bed and ignore the magnetic force at work. Especially after my conversation with Julia yesterday. But whether my feelings for Tess are stronger than I’m willing to admit or the moon’s gravitational pull has me in its grasp, I retrace my route and retrieve the hidden key to the back door.

  I tread lightly on the steps—don’t want to wake Katie—and clear my throat to warn Tess before stepping into the kitchen. She sits in the corner of the dining nook, a set of windows on each side. Moonlight captures her features, sadness etched in the lines of her face. Or maybe she’s just tired. I can relate.

  “How come you’re sitting in the dark?” I reach for the light switch.

  “Don’t.” She rakes her fingers through her hair, and her elbows land on the table. “I like it this way.”

  I shove my hands into the front pockets of my jeans. “Mind if I join you?”

  She doesn’t answer. I take it as a yes. Never known Tess to be shy about saying otherwise.

  I slide a chair out and sit. “You okay?”

  Resting her chin on her fists, she stares across the table at me. Can’t quite see her green eyes, but that doesn’t lessen their power. “Have you ever done something you knew was right, but someone got hurt anyway?”

  The question grabs hold of my throat, rendering me speechless. It’s what I’ve been fighting against for months.

  “Why can’t things ever be easy?”

  “Is that rhetorical?”

  She rubs her eyes. “All this time, I’ve run from doing the right thing. And now that I finally get the guts to turn that creep in, I feel sick with guilt over the collateral damage.”

  I let out a pent-up breath. So, she’s not talking about me. “Collateral damage? The other victims?”

  She shakes her head, a veil of red hair falling over her face. “Can you imagine being married to someone for years and not know who they are? Having a child with evil personified?”

  Who’s she talking about? “You’re not making much sense, Tess.”

  “Professor Fields is married.”

  Heat steals up my neck. Why does she take on the issues of the world? “Not your problem.”

  “Maybe not, but if you could have seen that poor woman’s face today. It—”

  “What? Tell me you didn’t go see his wife.”

  “Of course not.” She hooks her hair behind her ears. “After you manhandled me the last time I stepped foot on his property?”

  At least she has the sense God gave her. “Good.”

  “I saw her on campus today. She must have been picking up some of his things, because she was carrying—”

  “And you spoke to her?” I clench my hands. Better than shaking her senseless.

  “Yes, I spoke to her. I asked her if she knew about him. About his attacking students.”

  “What’s wrong with you, Tess? Do you have some kind of martyr complex or something?”

  “What are you getting so angry about?”

  I jump up from the chair, shoving my hands through my hair. “Don’t you see how foolish you’re being? What if his wife goes to him and tells him about you? You don’t think he’s going to get out on bail?”

  “He won’t know it’s me.”

  “You didn’t introduce yourself or give her your name?”

  She raises trembling fingers to her lips, the moonlight making them ghostly white.

  Scaring her won’t help—at least not this late in the game. I drop into the chair and take her hand. “It’s just that I care about you. A lot. But I’m not going to be around to protect you.”

  She freezes—her eyes, captured by the moonlight, pinned to mine. “What do you mean? Are you going somewhere?”

  “Eventually.”

  “You’re going to be a doctor again?”

  I shake my head. “We’ve been down that road, Tess.”

  “Okay. Then why leave? I mean, maybe you don’t want to work in the restaurant, but—”

  “There’s nothing here for me.”

  She tugs her hand from mine. “I don’t understand. I thought…”

  I know what she thought. It’s what I’d thought. Hoped. “Remember when you asked if I’d ever done something I knew was right, but it hurt someone anyway?”

  She nods.

  “You’re going to find out the truth soon enough. And even though I did what I knew was right, you’re going to be hurt. I know you don’t trust me—”

  “No. I mean, yes.” She swipes at her eyes. “Just give me a little time.”

  If only I could change the past. “That’s something I don’t have, Tess. And the longer I drag this out, the more it’s going to hurt.”

  “Then…” She clears her throat. “Then why did you kiss me? Why did you make me think…” Her head drops into her hand.

  “I’m sorry.” My voice isn’t any stronger than hers. “The truth is, I love you.”

  Her head snaps up. “You love me? But you just said—”

  “It won’t work, Tess. I know you don’t understand right now, but believe me, you will.”

  Chapter 38

  Tess

  Jake’s words from last night play a mantra in my head—The truth is, I love you—which is so distracting, I allow my students to spiral into a free for all in a debate. We’re discussing chapter twenty-five of To Kill a Mockingbird and the oddity of Miss Gates’s claim that “we (American people) don’t believe in persecuting anyone.” Mikaela and Trevor face off with each other, nearly nose to nose.

  I clap my hands to get their attention. “Whoa, kids. Let’s remember the finer points of a debate. It’s not an attack on each other’s character, but a sharing of perspectives.” And I need to fo
cus. Of course, that’s easier said than done. What did Jake mean about me being hurt? And what is it he’s dragging out?

  My stomach’s been on a slow roil since he left me in the kitchen last night. I couldn’t sleep, can’t eat, and feel as if my emotions are as brittle as egg shells.

  It must be love. Or the flu.

  But trust? How can I, after his ongoing secretiveness and the comments he made? Trust has to be earned, right? Then again, doesn’t the fact that he’s keeping a promise to Dad count for something? It speaks of his integrity and honor.

  What more can I want?

  I dismiss my last class, and rather than correct papers and prepare for the next teaching day, I cram my things into a tote and head up the hill. God surely has a sense of humor. I tolerated Jake after a lot of kicking and screaming—figuratively speaking. The adult version of a temper tantrum. And just when I realize he may be the best thing that ever happened to me, he’s leaving. How is that fair?

  Once I’m past El Dorado Hills, traffic up Highway 50 is light. With each mile, the knot in my stomach tightens, because even if my brain hasn’t accepted the inevitable, my gut knows I’m going to confront Jake. How dare he say, “I love you” and then dismiss me as if it doesn’t matter? That’s just cruel. I haven’t even had a chance to catch up.

  Julia’s car sits in the restaurant parking lot, and I slip into the space beside it. My hand trembles as I reach for my purse and drop the keys inside. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. Then another. I will my heart to slow to a normal rhythm and my stomach to settle. Throwing up on Jake may be counterproductive.

  I approach the back door on wobbly legs, my arms hugging my coat close around me. Fall is in full-force with the nippy breeze and dark clouds blocking out the late afternoon sun. The restaurant doesn’t open for another half hour or so. That gives me plenty of time to talk to Jake if I can grow a backbone.

  Stepping into the dim hallway, I close the door and wait for my feet to connect with my brain—move forward. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. It’s not like he’s leaving right away. He said eventually. That could be six months from now.