Diary of Latoya Hunter

by Latoya Hunter

  Tuesday, December 25, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  Merry Christmas! It’s been one for me. I opened my presents 12:00 last night. I got mostly clothes. That’s what I love! They weren’t dressy clothes, just clothes I could wear to school. I’m glad because I want to look different in ’91. I hate wearing the same set of clothes for too long.

  The dinner at the house was a big success. It seemed like the whole family was under our roof. We ate like crazy. We had (I had) curried goat, Ox tail, lasagna … It was great. Even though Christmas here in New York can be good, none could top a Jamaican Christmas. It’s the best time of the year, back home. On Christmas Eve, parents give their kids money and they go to what we call Christmas Market. We bought junk food until we were sick and any foolish toys we wanted. I remember how we’d come home and sit outside until it was way too late and just have a good time. Back home, Christmas meant a certain extent of freedom and no limit on the fun. In America it just seems to be restrained to opening some presents and eating alot. You can’t go outside and be free and comfortable because it’s so cold. A Jamaican night is like a cool bath—it makes you feel renewed and alive. I miss Jamaica on Christmas. I really do.

  Wednesday, December 26

  Dear Janice,

  Today was mostly spent cleaning up the house. It was pretty boring. The excitement of the holidays is slowly disappearing. When my grandparents and Shane and Donna leave, I think that’s when it’ll be officially gone. For my grandparents that’ll be tomorrow and for Donna and Shane, early Sunday morning after the party (the only things left to look forward to). Anyways, I’ll talk to you in the morrows (as my brothers would say).

  December 28, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I went to the movies today with my friends Deborah, Denise, and Isabelle. We saw LOOK WHO’S TALKING II at Dave’s girlfriend’s theater that she manages in Manhattan. I had a good time but when I got home, I got in trouble for not bringing along Shane. Do you think that was inconsiderate? Maybe it was but I thought Donna (his mother) wouldn’t want me taking her son on a NYC subway system alone. I guess sometimes I think too much.

  Sunday, December 30, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  The party was good! It was better than good, I have no word to describe it. I danced all night. I was so relaxed and loose. I really had fun. My brother was surprised I think. Then again maybe he knew all along. You never know. This guy who drank a lot too much kept following me around all night. He kept asking me to dance. He didn’t stop until he fell asleep in the kitchen. I’m supposed to know him from Jamaica. His brother and my brother were good friends. He said he always used to come visit up where I lived with his brother. I really don’t remember. He does. Anyways, he and his three brothers claim to know me. As I said, I don’t remember. I think his other brother Derek likes me. He kept looking at me all night. At first I thought, “This guy is so obvious about being interested in me.” He could have kept it in more. It makes me feel like I was under a microscope. There was a little eye contact but he never did say anything to me but the looks he gave me said a thousand words. Oh well, the party was like I said, wonderful.

  Donna and Shane left. For me that was a tearful goodbye because I might not see them again for years. At least I’ve got my room back.

  I’ll miss them a lot.

  Monday, December 31, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  Today’s the last time I’ll write 1990 above my entries to you. My resolution this year is not to make any resolutions. I always end up breaking them.

  I’ve got some news for you. Derek, who I told you I thought liked me from the party, called me. Don’t even think it. I did not give him my number. I asked him who did and he said it was his brother who is friends with my brother. Anyways, we talked about a lot. We talked about Jamaica mostly and he still insists they know me.

  My mother will have a fit if she knows there’s a boy calling me. I know she will soon, but I do not know how pissed off she’ll be. I do not want to find out.

  P.S. Talk to you in 1991.

  New Years Eve 1990

  Dear Janice,

  It’s a few hours away from 1991. I have nothing to look forward to for the night except babysitting Devoy and watching the countdown on t.v. My mom is going to a party, so is Rondah. Daddy is working. Poor thing, he’s worse off than I am. It’s really a shame. Actually it’s pitiful. But that’s my life! Hopefully next year will be much better. I’ll be starting out the first hours of it on a boring, depressing note, but that leaves 365 days to make it better. I hate making resolutions because I always break them. Anyway, this year I’ll make a resolution not to make any resolutions. Last year I promised myself I would stop eating so much junk food and that I would be neater and more organized. Being that the store is right at the corner from me and I pass it everyday coming from school, the junk food thing didn’t last too long. As far as being neat and organized, I just don’t think I was made to be neat. I try but it’s too much of a strain.

  January 2, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  At school it feels so strange to write 1991. I make A mistakes and write 1990. That happens every year to me. It takes me a while to get adjusted. I’m trying in school to listen more to the teachers. I think my listening skills are a little weak. It’s not really a resolution, it’s something I have to do. I realize that I blank out too much. Like I start to listen, and I drift off. What’s happening to me? I’ve thought about it and it’s happening so often now. I think about so much. I mostly fantasize. I think back to things that happened before and how I could have acted better in the situation. Like if I had a fight with my mom, I think of what more I could have said to her to get everything off my chest. I often hold things back. Anyway, it’s things like that that make me drift. The last thing I need now, is a drop in grades. Now that a guy calls my house regularly, I could just hear my mom, “Now your mind is full up with boys and you can’t do your lessons.” I don’t think that has nothing to do with nothing. Maybe it’s a phase.

  January 4, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Girls in school are so stuck up! They plaster their faces with makeup everyday and finish cans of hairspray every other day. They are so materialistic! Do you know what’s in this year? Mirrors. They all carry little mirrors and they stare at themselves almost every minute of the day. It’s all for the boys. They put so much into getting guys to like them that is almost scary. Suppose I was like them? What would my mother do? To think of it, she’s lucky I’m the way I am, she is more than lucky.

  One of the materialistic snob’s name is Babette. I hate her! She makes me so sick. She thinks she’s better than everybody else. I feel like ringing her neck. She’s really beginning to bug me now. In the beginning of the school I wasn’t sure how I felt about her, but now I know I can’t stand her. The whole problem is her attitude, I think she’s some kind of higher force than anything. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s conceited people. I wish they would transfer her to another class because I don’t want to have hostile thoughts when I’m trying to learn.

  P.S. I called Derek today.

  January 7, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Derek called after school today, he’s nice to talk to. I like him. We talk naturally to each other like we’ve known each other for years and years. Anyways, my mom doesn’t know he calls yet. I don’t want her to answer the phone one day when he’s calling. Who knows what she’ll say. I don’t want to find out. Rondah is already giving me a hard time about it. I know I’m in for a lot of arguments and maybe I’m just being stupid, but I’m not going to tell him to stop calling. I could be really stubborn sometimes and now is one of those times. I like him, is it a sin? I wish I had a family like my friend Teniesha has. She can even invite boys over to the house and she’s younger than me. Her mother is so chill. They wear the same clothes, they go out a lot together, and they talk about anything together. I think Jamaican mothers are more strict about thi
ngs like boys. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s a universal thing. I don’t know. Teniesha is so lucky! She’s always so happy, she never seems to have any problems with her family. I really envy her.

  January 9, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Today gunshots echo in my head. They are the same gunshots that killed an innocent human being right across from my house last night. They are the same gunshots that have scarred me, I think, forever.

  Late last night, I was in bed when I heard a man screaming for a police officer. I told myself, I didn’t hear that. Later I told myself I didn’t hear the four gunshots that followed his cry for help. I lay there in bed and it was like I was frozen. I didn’t want to move an inch. I then heard hysterical crying. I ran to the window when I couldn’t keep myself back any longer. What I saw outside were cops arriving. I ran into my parent’s room and woke them up. By that time, tears were pouring unstoppably from my eyes. I couldn’t stop shaking. My parents looked through the window and got dressed. They rushed outside and I followed them. It turned out that I knew the person who got shot. He worked at the store at the corner. He was always so nice to me, he was always smiling. He didn’t know much English but we still managed a friendship.

  I can’t believe this happened. Things like this happen everyday in N.Y., but not in my neighborhood, not to people I know.

  January 11, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Today the store was closed. It was closed yesterday also. The blood stains are still across the street. In school I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened, yesterday was the same thing. I don’t think I’ll get over this for a long while.

  The whole neighborhood is talking about it, some say one thing and others say something else. They say the murderers were waiting for him in his van. He and his partner were going into the van when the murderers came out. That’s all that has been said about it. I don’t think drugs had anything to do with it—the guy was just too sweet. When I listen to them yapping away about it, I don’t mention that I heard a thing when it happened. They’re only interested in the facts of the matter. I’m interested in the heart of it. It really makes me think why did it happen to such a sweet, innocent guy? He didn’t deserve it.

  January 12, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  The store was opened today. There were a lot of people standing around in there. Not necessarily buying anything, they just stood around. Fernando, a young friendly guy who works in the store who was always very cheerful, was not as cheerful today. His eyes were red and swollen and he just kind of moped around. The funeral is Saturday and they’re asking for donations. I wouldn’t feel right going to his funeral. I think funerals should be for the really close family of the dead. Those whose goodbye would mean the most to him. I have nothing to donate so my parents donated some money. All I have is deep sympathy and sadness for the loss of a friendly person who always put a smile on my face.

  January 14, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I’ve been so caught up in the murder shock that I’ve forgotten to update you on school. A really good saxophone player came to school to perform. His name is Naji. The school loved him. He is really talented. I have a feeling he’s going to make it big in the music industry.

  You don’t know this but when I was ten I used to play the drums at P.S. 94. It was really easy; as my music teacher said, you’ve just got to have rhythm. This year however, I’m stuck in vocals as you know.

  January 15, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Since the murder I haven’t been particularly interested in going outside. Today I was thinking about everything. My friends have been doing things and I haven’t been there. They’ll tell me what’s happened the previous day, and I’ll feel left out. I was thinking I shouldn’t spend so much time in the house anymore. I think tomorrow I’ll go outside for a while. This is going to sound funny but for every car that passes me by while I’m walking down the street, a thought comes to me. It says “I’m going to die now, the person in the car is going to pull out a gun and shoot.” The funny thing is when that thought occurs, I don’t feel scared that much. I feel calm and ready to face my death. I’ve discovered about myself that when the day of my death comes, I’ll be ready and I’ll have a calm soul.

  January 16, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I hung out with my friends today and must admit had a good time. I think I’m not as conscious of simple things like cars driving by as I was just 24 hours ago. I’m still conscious of people who look suspicious but that’s natural for everyone I think. There’s a guardian angel in the store at the corner now. Guardian angels are guys who volunteer to protect people who need protection. There are a lot of them in my neighborhood. Other neighborhoods have them too. They go out with taxi drivers in NYC. They started when there was the string of killings of taxi drivers. My personal opinion is the robber will just shoot the taxi driver and the guardian angel and go on with their life.

  January 17, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Today was a particularly good day. School was fun especially Gym. We played soccer and my team won 8 to 2. We are good!

  At the homefront, Courtney and Michelle came over. It’s always fun when they come over. Courtney is funny as always and I find fun in bugging Michelle. Dave has not been visiting too often lately. I understand he’s busy but he should try to make more time for his family. Especially his little sister who’s missing him very much.

  January 21, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Today someone who’s in Mr. Pelka’s sixth grade class this year told me some terrible news. Mr. Pelka has pneumonia. He hasn’t been working for the past week. I hope it’s not a severe case. I’d hate it if anything would happened to him.

  January 23, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Pneumonia is definitely in season. I just heard that my little cousin Larry is in the hospital suffering from it. He’s only 8 months old, I hope he can fight it. He’s been sick before. When he was around one month old, he was in the hospital. I remember his mother (my cousin) was telling my sister and me how many hours she spent in the hospital waiting room worrying. I pray to God I never go through anything like that in my life. I pray my life doesn’t have any obstacles in it. I really don’t think I’m the kind of person that can cross obstacles.

  February 1, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  It’s the first day of February. I hate this month. It just seems so long. I think it’ll be really boring. It’s getting closer to the wedding though. I’m really happy about that. There’s a girl in my school who actually had a baby already. She’s in the ninth grade, she’s probably around 15. My friends were talking about her today. I feel really sorry for her, it’s too early! She is only in Junior High! I wonder how it happened. I mean, I know how it happened, but how could she let it? Her mom must have been so upset. I would never do that to my mother. This really makes me thing about this whole sex business. I wonder if that girl was ready. I know I talked about a person feeling that they’re ready and doing it. Maybe she thought she was and really wasn’t and maybe she knew she she was and still knows she is but just isn’t ready for a child. I think being ready for sex and ready for a child are two different things. To be ready for sex, you must have the ability to fall in love and feel close to the maximum to the person you are with. To be ready for a baby, you should be able to take care of yourself and the child and know what’s right and what’s wrong. You should be able to devote yourself to the child in every way possible. The thing I would say should have been taken care of by that girl is protection. Ready or not ready, she should have thought about that.

  February 2, 1991

  We went looking for a bridesmaid dress for the wedding today. We have to order them early so they’ll come in on time. Well, we settled for a bluish, greenish one. It is so pretty! We wear this big blown out slip underneath it. It’s really big and takes up a lot of room but we like it. We drove all the way to Brook
lyn. That is like an hour and a half of driving. I hate taking long rides. There was so much traffic it was unbelievable! I would hate to live in Brooklyn. It’s dirty, it’s ugly, and it’s crowded. That’s my opinion and I think anybody would say so if they saw Flatbush Avenue. It’s so unattractive!

  February 3, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I went to church today and I really believe I was touched by the Holy Ghost. I think there is really such a thing. I felt it there. Sometimes I get so confused about these things. My grandparents are bona fide Christians so I was grown to believe in God, but I never really thought about the whole concept. There was a really cute, young guy and the spirit struck him. He fell on the floor and he was shaking, and bobbing his head. No one could get him up. Nobody can tell me that was not real. All I could do is look. Sometimes that’s all you could do.

  I wonder what God thinks about what the world has come to. He must feel really let down. The powers of evil seem to be taking over. It’s so scary.

  February 5, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I started praying last night. It felt so great. It’s like he’s really there listening to me. I’m going to start doing it regularly. God is up there, I know it. School is going good now. I’m on the honor roll. God must have had something to do with it. All my success, I should dedicate to him. I wonder what happens after you die; they say he takes your soul. That part is really confusing, but I’ll just wait until I die to get into that part. Right now I’ll just have to live and be the best I could be for him.