Diary of Latoya Hunter

by Latoya Hunter

  February 7, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  It’s amazing how Derek and me have gotten used to each other. We argue a lot now. I’m always hanging up the phone on him. It’s fun. We both know one of us will end up calling one another back. It’s crazy. Today I hung up on him and I guess he thought it was funny. He kept calling back and hanging up when I picked up the phone. My father was right next to the phone. He was trying to sleep. Derek didn’t know that. I got really upset with him though. He’s so childish sometimes. He acts really immature. Why do I put up with him? We’re actually closer than any of any of my friends and me are. I tell him everything. Maybe too much.

  I wonder when exactly did he become part of my life.

  February 9, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Rondah had decided to start back at college for a degree in business. Starting Monday she won’t be home from 4–10. You know what that means—babysitting til I drop.

  I’m glad Rondah didn’t decide to end her life right here because she had Devoy. I’m glad she wants to become better and expand herself. She is really lucky to have parents like ours and a sister like me who’ll babysit for her anytime without pay. I’m becoming quite the little babysitter these days. I can’t believe once she didn’t want me to even hold the baby. It’s nice to know she trusts me with Devoy because I love him to pieces and she knows it.

  February 11, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  We’re getting ready for a show in school. The show is all the way in June but the chorus has to learn the songs. I hate how we sound. We are pathetic! I don’t like anything about this school. Do you notice that? Everything is so against my taste. The way they teach is one. I mentioned before about English. They don’t make me interested in learning. Another thing is the level of maturity among the students. Sometimes I feel going to a prep school would be better for me. I think there is much more seriousness about life in those schools. At my school they would call kids at those schools nerds. If that’s the case, nerds are much better off than they are.

  I wish I could switch schools. There must be better schools around with better programs and things like that. I didn’t have a choice for this school—it’s closest to me so this is where I have to go. When I get older, I’m going to make sure I give my kids a choice in what they do. Like what school they think is best for themselves and so on. I want to be able to be such a great parent. I want to have really happy kids. All the things I never had, I’ll make sure they have it. I hope my daughter won’t have to complain so much in her diary.

  February 13, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  It’s coming around the time for Damon’s birthday. Who’s Damon? Well he’s this babyfaced guy who really liked me once. That’s when I was around nine. He was my first encounter with boys. In those times when I thought of boys I said, “Eeew.” Well, this guy didn’t think of girls that way. He was like eleven then. Now listen to what an eleven-year-old boy got me. He got me a gold chain and a two finger ring that said “I Love You.” It’s hard to believe but it’s true.

  He was so cute and so sweet and all that I was scared. I ended up giving back his ring and burying the chain. I couldn’t be seen with them. My mother would hunt him and his mother down and throw the gifts in their faces. I buried the chain and said me and my next door friend Lisa had become soul sisters by burying the things we held most dear.

  Anyway, he really wanted to kiss me and no matter what, I wouldn’t let him. Once I went for his cheek to give him a friendly kiss and he went for the lips. I remember wiping and wiping them off after he left. I was so silly.

  He’s not around anymore. His mom died and he lives in a foster home now. It’s a tragic story but it’s good to have these memories.

  February 16, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Rondah’s deciding to go back to school had me thinking that I shouldn’t waste the opportunity I have now to go to school. I don’t remember mentioning that I’m in a special program at school that skips me from 7th to 9th grade. I never mentioned that at school I’m thought of as smart. Teachers think so, students think, nerd. I don’t think I’m really a nerd, I just understand the work more than most kids do and I remember things well. Anyway, that’s why I’m skipping a grade. The great thing about it is I get out of this dumpy school one year earlier. I can’t say I’m definitely going to Bronx Science but it is a dream of mine. The only thing that I think would stop me is if I don’t pass the admissions test. That’s my one worry. I’ll just have to study hard.

  February 18, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Since Dave’s party Rondah has been seeing a lot of this guy named Phillip Osavio. They met there and since then he’s been over at the house a lot. He seems really sweet. He dresses nice, wears expensive clothes and has a lot of jewelry. I know the first thing people say when they see a young black guy with things like that is that he’s a drug dealer. Phillip is definitely no such thing. He works up in White Plains in this big supermarket. I’m not sure what he does, but Derek used to work for him. That’s how Phillip ended up at that party—through his contacts with Derek’s bigger brother. Anyway, Phillip told me how Derek used to sit in the back and eat ice cream all day. I think it was a cross between Derek being fired and quitting, but however it happened, he doesn’t work there anymore.

  February 20, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I realize I haven’t written to you about my big diet I went on. It lasted for a week and that was it. I have no will power whatsoever. I’m thinking back to this diet because when I weighed myself today I was 120! I’m almost ashamed to say it. During those long days of school a person could get a little hungry you know, and I pass at least three stores on my way home from school. That’s my excuse for my weight gain, Janice. I’ve noticed that diets don’t work for me, so I’ll leave it up to fate.

  The other day I went into the store where that man was killed. I hate to say “that man”—he was so friendly—but I never learned his name. Anyway, the loss of his presence is still strong. Things have been getting back as normal as it can be. I still contribute a lot to their cash register.

  February 22, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  My cousin Dexton’s (who lives in Canada) birthday was four days ago. I feel bad sometimes when things come up and we don’t remember. Whenever we have a birthday on this side of town, there’s always a call or a card. My family don’t seem to be into things like that. Sometimes I think we’re not family-oriented enough. I guess it’s because we live in such a fast-paced city but we should sometimes slow down for family. That’s a message for everybody—slow down for family.

  February 25, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Rondah and I seem to have drifted apart after Devoy was born. She’s so into the baby now there’s hardly room for me. I’d really hate to see our relationship fall apart. Before I left for school she rised to sometimes comb my hair. Today she just sent me out of the room when I asked her. She should rest while she can I understand, but I can’t help missing the way things used to be. I can’t help it.

  February 28, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  February is coming to an end. March is almost here, then comes April. To me the word April now means wedding.

  The months are really flying by. 1990 was a fast-paced year. The fastest since I was born. It seems ’91 will be even faster. At least my life doesn’t seem to be dragging on and on. My life might have its many many faults, but it really isn’t as bad as some people’s.

  March 2, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  This Saturday was like all my Saturdays. It seemed really long. I long for a good party. I want to go out and enjoy myself. Listen to me—I’m twelve and talking like I should be partying every night. Sometimes I forget how young I am. It’s like at times a 21-year-old mind replaces my regular one. It happens really often. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person like this. I hate being young! I hate it wit
h a passion. I’d give anything to be older. I want to be free and make my own decisions. If only that could be!

  March 4, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I’m feeling good today. After yesterday at church I feel at peace with myself. It’s like I’m renewed. I’ve been telling people how I’ve found the Lord. They say I shouldn’t play with God meaning I shouldn’t go around talking about how touched I am when I know I’m not. Well, even if this turns out to be a phase, I know right now I’m really close to God. I was singing negro-spirituals and hymns all day. I feel it from my soul when I sing them. God is really powerful. He’s like inside people.

  March 6, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  The world is so sin-corrupted. I guess this is coming from my new religious awareness but it’s really true. These days no one thinks about God or following his rule. People kill, back and forth, even those who think they have a right. Like mothers who kill their unborn child. They give it a fancy name—abortion, but I think murder is a much better word for it. The child may be unborn but it is still a person who has the right to a life. If the mother doesn’t want to be a part of it why doesn’t she give it up for adoption or give it to a home that will care for it? I think it’s a very sinful act and it sickens me to hear about it. The number one argument these people keep saying is it’s their body. Well, to me, the baby inside them is the one who should say that. Who gives the mother the right to terminate its life?

  March 9, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  The wedding is really coming up quickly. I had no idea so much money was needed for one wedding. The cake alone costs a fortune. There’s so much to be done, but I know with both families working at it, it’ll get pulled off.

  I’ve been picturing how it’s going to be. More like fantasizing, actually. My friends all want invitations. I want them to go but it’s not up to me. Courtney and Michelle don’t want it too overcrowded. To me, the more the better. I hope it won’t be like the weddings on t.v. I don’t want a stuck up kind of thing. I want everyone to get down and have fun. I want Jamaican music blasting at the reception and a lot of dancing and noise.

  March 11, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I’m such a klutz! In gym class I can hardly do anything. I hate playing any sports except basketball. I admit I’ve become a lot more open to sports since I started this school but that doesn’t mean I can play them.

  Today I was playing baseball not because I wanted to but because the teacher made me. I got a good chance to out the other team by catching the ball, but when it came to me, I dropped it. This girl started saying, “You’re so stupid,” and all this other crap. I swear at that moment there was almost smoke coming out of my ears. She’s a real little … (I won’t say). I really feel like ringing her neck until she’s drenched of all life.

  Anyways, on a happier note, Mr. Pelka is doing much better—remember, I told you he had pneumonia? My cousin Larry is also recovered. There’s one thing I don’t have to worry about anymore!

  March 13, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Kirk, whom I have an extreme crush on had his arm around me today. I couldn’t believe what was happening. It took me by surprise. I was walking and he just came up beside me and put his arm around me. I didn’t know what to say or do. He said, “Hug me back.” I was dumbstruck so I just did it kind of unconsciously. He said, “Tighter” (my heart was running a marathon by now). Anyway, I did. After that he just went off somewhere. I still can’t believe it. One thing I know is I want this to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. He’s really nice, and so cute! Derek is really close to me though. We talk for hours on the phone and everything but he never made my heart run a marathon. There’s a difference there but I don’t know which I prefer.

  March 15, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Kirk pretty much ignored me today. I guess it was a one moment fling. Oh well, that’s life. Actually I hate life, if this is what it’s supposed to be—disappointments all the time and let downs. Kirk isn’t really that important, I just have a crush on him. I’m not going to cry over any guy at anytime—maybe my husband, when I get married. For now, boys are the last thing I want to cry about.

  Anyway, maybe Kirk was just too preoccupied today to look my way. You never know.

  March 18, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Kirk said hi today that’s about it. I love the way he walks. I don’t know how to describe it. I could just sit back and watch him walk and I wouldn’t get bored. I guess that’s really silly, but hey, what can I say?

  We’re learning about the reproductive system in school. The guys in my class act so silly about it. They are so immature. Sometimes I wonder about what goes on in their minds. They are just so predictable. Kirk is older so I guess that’s one of the things I like about him. I don’t usually get crushes on guys my age. I could see myself at 21 marrying a man who’s 35.

  March 20, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  There is this really playful and pretty girl or should I say woman I know named Laura. I would love to get her into my family. There’s something about her that I really like. I’ve been seeing a lot of her lately—she visits sometimes—she’s helping me prepare this diary for when it gets published. Anyways, I know in a while we won’t be seeing each other, so I was thinking. I thought about her joining my family through my brother Dave. They’re the same age and everything! I think it would be so great if they got together. There’s one thing though that I should mention—she’s white. But to me, it doesn’t matter. She’s just cool and she could be any color and still be cool. In other words, she’d be a cool black chick as well as she is a cool white one.

  Anyway, I don’t mean I want her to turn black, but I’m saying I would accept her as part of the family like nothing was different. I won’t even mention this to Laura and Dave, but if it was meant to be, fate will do its job.

  March 22, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I’m doing pretty okay in school I must say. Report cards came out. I didn’t get anything below an 80. My mother isn’t too proud about it. She says there are not enough 95’s and 100’s. Unbelievable! She wants and wants and wants.

  March 23, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  We fitted our dresses for the wedding today to see how they’ll look. I think it’s gorgeous and when I look really close, the dress looks good on me, but when I see my face, it looks dull. Maybe it’s the color of the dress but I know I’ll definitely have to wear a lot of makeup that day. I wonder when my mom is going to make me wear makeup regularly. I hope soon. Girls at school wear it but they overdo it! They look like paintings. It’s not the way I want to look.

  March 25, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  I love Devoy so much. He’s growing up so fast. I guess I don’t talk about him much. He’s become such a big part of my life. I can’t wait to see him walking and talking. I hope he calls me Aunty. I also hope he will think of me as someone he has to listen to, not a kid like I’ve been thought of as being for all my life. When I was talking the other day about abortion, I was thinking of him. What if Rondah had done that? There would be no Devoy now.

  March 27, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Today at lunch Kirk came and sat beside me. Well I guess he’s done ignoring me because he put his leg over my leg. Now this was too much. I would have let him keep it there if I was like Jeanine. She’s a really whorey girl. She goes around sitting on guys and touching them up. Anyway, I pushed it off. Then Jeanine came by. She put her arm around it. Later that lunch period, Kirk’s cousin told me that Kirk and Jeanine made out in his building. There goes everything.

  March 29, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  Rondah’s new boyfriend is such a good chef. He cooked us a feast today. It was so good. He seems to be good at a lot. I feel we have a lot in common. He dresses hip, he listens to the music I like and everything. He’s perfect. She better hold on t
o him.

  March 31, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  April is practically here. Once again thoughts of the wedding dance in my head. I’m so much looking forward to this. Rondah’s planning to sing. She has a pretty nice singing voice. She’s rewriting a gospel song to fit the occasion. I hope she does well up there.

  I hope I do well too. I hope I don’t act stupid when I have to walk up the aisle! Please God, don’t make me mess up!

  April 1, 1991

  Dear Janice,

  It’s April Fools! I don’t really like to fool around on this day though. My great grandmother was born today. She died when I was around six, but when she was alive, she was really special.

  What I remember most about her is she really seemed to love me. The day of her funeral I had a dream about her and since that bees have always been attracted to me. I know it sounds weird but in the dream she came to me and said from now on she would come to me as a bee and she’d always look out for me. I’m serious about this! Ever since that bees are always following me and sometimes I say to them “Hi Granny.” Strange it is, but I really believe this.