And Then There Was Me

by Sadeqa Johnson

  TWENTY-FIVE

  The Last Supper

  Bea didn’t make it back to yoga for her free trial week but she managed to keep her food down for the next seven days. It hadn’t been easy but she’d gone back to her basic coping mechanisms: mini meals on a small plate, her notebook, and walking when she felt stressed. She made it a point to stroll past the sandbox as a reminder. The faith bracelet that she’d purchased from QVC also became part of her change. She wore it every day and just feeling it hug her wrist prompted her to stay the course.

  Chico demanded to know why Lonnie hadn’t been home and Bea had lied, blaming it on work. It was wrong but the best she had in the moment. Then Alana wanted to know why Auntie Awilda hadn’t been over for dinner.

  “I miss her so much, Mommy. Can I call her?”

  “Not right now, sweetie,” was Bea’s answer to her daughter’s daily question.

  Irma bugged her every morning, pulling out all of her motherly tricks from her bag of guilt. But still Bea knew what she had to do.

  Lonnie called to speak with the children every night and on the last call had asked her to breakfast. Bea agreed to meet him on Friday. She drove the ten minutes to the diner on Route 22 after she dropped the kids off at school. Bea sat in her car for a few minutes with the radio off, not wanting to go in and face him but knowing it was the only way.

  Lonnie looked better than anything on the menu when she spotted him at the table. He wore a crisp, grape button-down shirt opened at the collar. His hair was neat, his face clean-shaven, and his eyes shone like two copper pennies.

  “Hey, baby,” he said, leaning over the table for a kiss on her mouth but she pulled back so all he touched was her air.

  “Okay,” he said, like she’d hurt his feelings.

  “Coffee?” the waitress asked.

  “Two, please. And give her a spinach and feta omelet with home fries. I’ll have the corned beef hash with rye toast.” He was trying to be cute and Bea didn’t say anything when he ordered for her. Under the table she slid her bracelet around between her fingers.

  “So, how have you been? I’ve missed you.”

  “Lonnie, I’m going to ask you a question. I want you to answer me honestly. No games. No lies. No charades. I haven’t asked for much in this marriage. You owe me at least this one thing.”

  He looked at her. “Okay.”

  “How long were you sleeping with Awilda?”

  “Why does that matter?”

  “It matters to me.”

  “I don’t remember. Why do you keep bringing this up? All I want is to come back home to you.”

  “Lonnie.”

  “Seriously, Bea. This has gone on long enough.”

  She looked him in the eye. “I want a divorce.”

  “Bea, come on.”

  Keeping eye contact she replied, “I’m serious.”

  “Because of Awilda?”

  “No. Because of me.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means let’s be cordial about this for the kids’ sake and be good co-parents. Here’s what I want.” She slid a piece of paper across the table. Joney had come over two nights ago with her lawyer hat on to help iron out the details.

  “You’re serious? You’ve hired an attorney?”

  “It’s been coming to this for a long time.”

  The waitress put the food down. Lonnie thanked her and told her they were fine. Bea didn’t touch her food but Lonnie spent the next several minutes forking big chunks into his mouth. He always ate when he was nervous. She had never acknowledged it before but it was something they had in common.

  “Take a look at the list, please, and get back to me. It’s simple. I just want weekday custody of the kids and for you to live close enough to either take them to school every morning or if that’s too much, just commit to weekends. The kids and I will stay in the house and you will continue to pay the bills as always. It states how much I’ll need for child support. I’ve tried to make the number as manageable as possible. This isn’t about trying to hurt you. I want an amicable split. As neat at possible.”

  “You’re fucking crazy.” He balled up the piece of paper and threw it in her plate. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “I’ve e-mailed you a copy.”

  Lonnie knocked over his coffee cup, causing the hot liquid to spill into her plate of food.

  “Well then.”

  She got up from the table and walked out of the restaurant, knowing that Lonnie wouldn’t run after her. He would never make a scene in a public place. Bea’s legs felt like iron as she moved across the parking lot. Inside her car, she rested her head against the steering wheel and let her emotions flow.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Fresh Air

  Bea had been living without Lonnie for two weeks. It was the longest they had been apart in the twelve years that they were married. The bed felt massive without him and she often woke up cold with the covers tossed to the floor. The Paxil helped—a life jacket that kept her feet from sinking into depression. She craved food less and she had not binged or purged in over twenty-one days. Instead she’d organized the cabinets in the kitchen and carried nonperishable items to the food bank in Hillside, and cleaned out dresser drawers in the children’s rooms and taken what was too small to the Goodwill in Springfield. At night, after she put her children to bed and checked that all of the doors were locked, she read.

  Joney had given her a book called Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Esther Hicks had channeled a collective of higher nonphysical entities called Abraham, and their teachings were all about the Law of Attraction. The conversation was totally over Bea’s head but she’d taken the tattered paperback anyway. Joney was so full of vitality and positive energy that Bea would try whatever she suggested. She hadn’t gotten past the introduction but she was determined to read a page or two a night before picking up a time-travel romance novel by Diana Gabaldon that would take her breath and body away.

  Keeping a schedule was important for finding and maintaining this new lifestyle, so on Wednesday she went to the open-air market as she always had, but without Awilda. Bea hated to admit it but she missed the hell out of her sister-friend. It was hard to walk through the grounds without remembering snatches of their conversations. It was here by the fresh herbs stand that Awilda told her that Amare had lost his virginity. Awilda knew this because she had picked up the telephone while he was talking to the girl and listened. The mother-in-law run-ins had been the best and would often have Bea holding onto her sides with laughter. No one in the world could make Bea laugh as hard as Awilda. She knew where Bea’s funny bone sat and would press it until Bea chuckled out of control.

  The leafy greens made her think of how Awilda complained about having to wash and dry lettuce and then Derrick only took a few bites and reached for the meat, the main event on his plate. Derrick. Bea wondered if he knew. Awilda had called her almost daily but Bea sent the call to voice mail and then pressed delete without listening to what she said. Every year Awilda took the children to New York City for the annual Rockefeller Center tree lightning. When she was straightening Alana’s bedroom she noticed it marked on her calendar. Bea would have to figure out how to break the news to her because this year they weren’t going.

  “Beatrice.”

  She looked up. It was Dakota, the yoga instructor, holding a basket with one hand and waving with the other.

  “Hello.” She smiled and they both walked, shortening the space between them.

  “You didn’t utilize your free week. Now when you come I’ll have to charge you.” He poked her in the arm. What was it about him? Every cell in her body felt alive.

  “I know. My life has been so busy, with the kids and getting ready for the holidays.”

  “How many children?”

  “Two. Boy and a girl.”

  “What are you making?” He gestured to her basket.

  “Pasta, i
t’s the one thing my kids can agree on. I’m going to chop up some asparagus tips and hope they don’t notice.”

  “Sounds good. Have you tried the lemonade here?”

  “I have. It’s really delicious.”

  “Want to grab one with me? I’m dying of thirst.”

  Bea nodded, switched her basket to the other arm, and followed him the few steps to the stand. He ordered two lemonades and when she reached for her wallet, he waved her money away. They sat on the same bench that she and Awilda did. The one where she’d told her that she thought Lonnie was sleeping with someone. Now Bea wondered if that someone had been Awilda.

  “Penny for your thoughts.” He looked her way.

  “Nothing. I just love coming here. The sight of fresh fruit and veggies and the smell of flowers and home-baked bread makes me happy.”

  “It’s why I come too. What’s the plan for Thanksgiving?”

  Bea sighed. “It’ll be my first without the kids.”

  Dakota looked at her with a kind expression.

  “My husband and I just separated so things are a bit messy. They’re spending the holiday with him. I think I’m spending it with my mother.”

  “Sorry to hear it.”

  “Don’t be. It’s for the best. Trust me.”

  “How long have you been married?”

  “Twelve years.”

  Dakota raised his Styrofoam cup to her. “May the next twelve bring you more happiness than you’ve ever known.”

  Bea smiled so brightly her cheeks hurt. “Thank you, same to you.”

  “So, when are you coming back to yoga?”

  “It’s hard because I have the kids by myself in the evening.”

  “What about Friday at noon? The day after Thanksgiving.”

  “Yeah, I should be able to do that.”

  “Good. If you promise to come, I’ll give you another free trial week.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I know, but I want to.” He stood. “So, I’ll see you Friday?”

  “Okay.” Bea smiled, sorry to see him go. The only people she talked to lately were her kids, her mother, and Joney. It was nice hearing a man’s voice. Her list was in her jeans pocket. She reviewed it one more time and then finished her shopping.

  The kids had a half day. When she picked them up, she decided to take them to a movie.

  “What’s the occasion?” Alana wanted to know.

  “Just simply because I love you.”

  The kids coaxed her into buying M&M’s, popcorn, and slushy drinks. Bea sat in the middle with her arm around each of them. The movie was surprisingly enjoyable. When they got home, they played a few rounds of Connect Four and then she sent them to bed.

  “Can we sleep together in your room?” Alana wanted to know.

  “Okay.”

  “Can we fall asleep with the TV on?”

  “Okay.”

  “Yes.” Alana pumped her fist, like today had been her lucky day.

  Bea went into the kitchen more out of habit than really needing anything. Her telephone rang. She checked the caller ID and picked it up.

  “Hi, Mami.”

  “Listen. Tia Marie said that you didn’t have to bring anything to Thanksgiving dinner but I want you to make something. If we walk in empty-handed, she’ll talk about us for days. The coconut drink is in the fridge and I’ve been marinating the pernil all day. Gonna put it in the oven first thing in the morning. It will have this whole building smelling like love.”

  Tia Marie was Irma’s first cousin and her mother’s only living relative in this country. They were best friends but talked about each other with reckless abandon. The competition between their families came up in every conversation as they bragged about this one or that one. Irma felt that she had the upper hand because Bea had married Lonnie and lived in Evergreen. Tia Marie had more grandchildren, but Irma said they were all hooligans and there were just too many baby daddies to keep track.

  “Unless you’ve changed your mind and decided to go with your family?”

  “Ma, don’t start. What time do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?”

  “Honestly mija, I think you are making a mistake.”

  “Ma.”

  “Two is fine. She said to be there at two but you know she won’t be ready. We’ll probably walk in and have to help her set the table. I hope this year she has enough forks. Last year we had to make do with plastic spoons.”

  “Okay, tomorrow at two. I’m looking forward to it,” Bea lied. The truth was she’d rather stay home and eat a TV dinner. She was only going because she didn’t want to seem pathetic at home alone on a national holiday. Besides, being around so many people would keep the dark horse at bay.

  “If you change your mind I can get a ride; don’t worry about me.”

  “Bye, Ma.”

  * * *

  Bea had finally dipped into the money that Mena had given her. Joney had connected her with a high-end divorce lawyer who was very expensive and well-respected. Because Bea had come through Joney (who said he’d had a crush on her for years), he only charged her one-third of what he charged most clients. The second splurge was a yoga mat and two pairs of colorful yoga pants with matching tops from lululemon athletica. She had drooled over the clothing line when other mothers wore their pieces to the school. Ten minutes before Lonnie was scheduled to arrive, she slipped on one of the outfits and pulled her hair into a nice ponytail. When she got downstairs, he had let himself in again even though she had asked him not to. She would have to really make a point to call the locksmith to have the locks changed. Alana was in his arms.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.” She could feel his eyes on her, sizing her up the way a man would a woman for sex. It was weird but it made her feel good. Like she still had it. The first time he came to pick the kids up, she had offered him some breakfast out of habit. Then she resisted the urge to put him to work. There was a laundry list of things in the house that needed his attention: the ink in the printer, the water filter in the fridge. The mechanic had called and said it was time for her tires to be rotated. But Bea wouldn’t ask.

  “Kids ready?”

  Bea nodded. “Put your shoes on, Alana. Did you brush your teeth and wash your face?”

  “Yes.”

  “Chico, deodorant? I know you didn’t make your bed so please go do it.”

  Bea leaned against the island.

  “You look good.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What are you doing for dinner tomorrow?”

  “Mom.”

  “You can always pop in on us, everyone would be happy to see you.”

  Bea smiled politely and then busied herself with wiping down the countertops even though they were shiny and clean.

  “You probably should start looking for a job because I can’t pay your way and mine too.”

  She stopped and darted her eyes at him. “Your children live here.”

  “We could all live here but that’s not what you want. I can pay the mortgage but that’s it.”

  “Not a problem.”

  He stumbled back on his left foot. Bea could tell that she had caught him off guard. Lonnie had expected her to beg. Bea went back to polishing the countertop. Thanks to Mena she wouldn’t have to. She had already cut the cable down to basic, her cell phone to a cheaper plan, and put the heating system on a timer while the kids were at school, and when the temperature in the house dropped, she’d bundle up in a heavy sweater. Bea shoved Alana’s stuffed bear into her backpack. The mortgage would wipe her out quickly but as long as he covered that she could handle the few incidentals for several months. Her résumé was posted on careerbuilders.com and she had started applying for positions at the neighboring hospitals. She had even sent her résumé in for a school-nurse position at an elementary school about thirty minutes away.

  “Have fun.” She kissed both kids. Lonnie didn’t look back at her as the kids scooted into the back of the hired car. He
wasn’t using his crutches anymore but Chico had told her that he couldn’t drive for another week.

  Alana turned and waved and Bea blew her a big kiss, trying very hard not to feel anything.

  * * *

  Bea had made it through Thanksgiving at Tia Marie’s, enjoying her loud family and all the homemade dishes on the table. She ate more than she’d intended and drank so much with her cousin Mercedes that she had to gulp down two cups of strong coffee before she felt ready to drive her mother home. It was nice to sleep in the next morning, with no one calling her name. When she finally got out of bed, she ran herself a hot bath with Epsom salt and mint to wake her body up. She had phoned Joney to see if she was going to yoga but found out she wasn’t; her daughter was in town and they were going into Manhattan to sightsee. Bea was on her own. She toweled off and skipped the lotion, knowing the heat from the yoga class would only make her sweat it off anyway.

  The class started at noon but she arrived ten minutes early with the intention of just sitting and breathing. Dakota was at the front desk chatting with an older woman when she walked in. He stopped when he saw her.

  “Beatrice.”

  “Please, everyone calls me Bea.”

  “Beatrice makes me think of the character in Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.”

  She smiled. Beatrice was by far one of the most delightful characters in all of the Shakespeare that Bea had read. She was witty, clever, talkative, and assertive in a way that Bea longed to be. She liked that Dakota had connected the fictional character to her.

  “I’m glad you came. Today we are going to concentrate on opening up the heart and letting the light in.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  Bea went inside and set up her new yoga mat, feeling like having her own meant that she was on the path. The room was warm but this time the heat didn’t feel suffocating. The studio filled quickly. Looking around there were men and women of all ages, colors, and creeds. She liked that. It made her feel like she was up on some sort of revolutionary way of life. The music began.