And Then There Was Me

by Sadeqa Johnson

  “We are going to start today’s class with the sun salutation. The breath is very important during this sequence. To begin, bring yourself to the edge of your mat in mountain pose. That’s it, Beatrice.”

  She tried not to smile at the tingle his uttering her name caused. Sweat began to drip down her face as her body heated up with the sequence of moves. Then they moved into balancing poses: tree, dancer, and then half moon, which seemed more manageable than the warm-up. When Dakota told the class to give a final stretch and then rest in shavasana, Bea felt like she had done well enough. On the inside she felt clean and free. When she rolled over on her mat to the right and sat up, Dakota was saying to the class, “You have been reborn. You are free. Go out in the world and love with an open heart. Be present in your body and follow your bliss.”

  They all said “Namaste” together and then it was over.

  Bea felt amazingly light. It was almost as if she had lost ten pounds. She sprayed her mat down with the vinegar solution that was being passed around.

  “How do you feel?” Dakota asked from behind the desk. The lobby felt cool compared to the classroom.

  “Good. Actually, amazing.”

  “Awesome. That’s what I like to hear. Hang on a minute, would you?”

  Bea nodded and walked to the left where the bookshelves were full of books. She picked up one and read the inside flap. Then she saw the book that Joney had given her, Ask and It Is Given. On the window ledge, she sat and reread the intro while she waited for him.

  “Ah, the bible of the Law of Attraction.”

  “You’ve read this book?”

  “Several times.”

  “I can’t get past one or two pages at a time.”

  “That’s how it’s supposed to be read. Sipped like a soothing cup of tea.”

  “That makes me feel better. It was feeling so heavy.”

  “It’s simple really. Just think of it as taking the power of positive thinking to the next level.”

  Bea tilted her head.

  “I wake up every morning thinking: ‘How can I change my life by aligning with the vibration of my desires?’ And it usually works.”

  “How do you know?”

  “You’re standing here.” His eye contact was so intense that Bea felt her cheeks blush.

  “Stop it.”

  “Running into you at the market wasn’t an accident, Bea. We all have energy and when our energy aligns with what we are intending, we receive it.”

  “You intended to see me?”

  “For sure. I’ve been dying to have a meal with you. Do you have to rush to get your kids?”

  “I need to take a shower. The kids aren’t back until tomorrow.”

  “How about we meet for a late lunch?”

  “Okay.”

  “Three-thirty, okay? Do you mind vegetarian food?”

  “All fine.”

  “I know the perfect spot.”

  Bea didn’t want him to come to her house and she was glad that he had offered to meet her at the studio.

  * * *

  She went home, showered, brushed her hair, and put it into a side bun. She didn’t want to look too fancy, like she thought it was a date, but she didn’t want to wear her drab mommy clothes either. She went through a few different outfits before settling on a pair of royal blue jeans that she had hardly worn, a white cotton sweater, just a little gloss on her lips, and a pair of ballerina flats. When she looked in the mirror the first thought that occurred to her was that Awilda would tell her to put some mascara on, so she did.

  The yoga studio was only fifteen minutes from her house and she arrived ten minutes early. Dakota was there.

  “Hey.”

  “I’m glad you’re early. I’m so hungry I could eat my wrist. The place is about a ten-minute walk, you up for it?”

  “Yeah.”

  He held the door open for her and as she walked past him he smelled of coconut oil and a hint of almond. She wondered if it was a cologne or coming from his hair.

  “Do you live in town?”

  “Evergreen.”

  “I hear they have a good school district.”

  “Yeah. It wasn’t my first choice but it works.”

  “Where would you have picked?”

  “South Mountain. It’s more diverse and has that arsty-fartsy feel that I’m drawn to.”

  “Yeah, I can feel that too.”

  They talked and the walk seemed to take two minutes instead of ten. They found a seat in the window near the fireplace. The waitress brought them menus.

  “What’s good?” Bea asked. Dakota pointed out a few of his favorite dishes and they decided to order the barbeque tempeh, a chickpea salad, and a vegan panini. The conversation was easy and the time together breezed by.

  “Wow, this is delicious. I never knew vegetarian food could have so much flavor.”

  “It’s actually vegan.”

  “You eat like this all of the time?”

  “I’ve been vegetarian for almost twenty years. I’ve dabbled into being vegan, but it gets hard sometimes because I love cheese. I can go long breaks without it but yesterday I had to have my sister’s famous mac and cheese.”

  “Mac and cheese would get me every time.”

  “I even brought a small container home with me.” He laughed. “I don’t know what she puts in it but it’s like crack.”

  Bea told him about her Thanksgiving and then they talked about his day job as a CFO for a nonprofit. Bea confessed that she had applied for a few positions and was nervous about going back to work after so many years home with the kids.

  “I always admire involved moms. It’s a thankless job but the planet is better off because of mothers like you.”

  “Thanks.” Bea smiled.

  They walked down the street to the coffee bar and had coffee and more wonderful conversation before walking back to her car.

  “I enjoyed hanging out with you.”

  “Me too.” Bea leaned in and gave him a hug, they touched hands, and then she turned to go.

  “See you around.”

  “Is it okay if I take your number down off the yoga log?”

  “Sure.” She smiled and then waved.

  Inside her car, her pulse raced. That was the most exciting time that she’d had in years. She put the key in the ignition and then eased out of her parking space.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  The Only Way to Get Ahead

  A week later, Bea took a job as a school nurse at a charter school in Newark on Central Avenue. It was an easy commute, with the school being right off of I-280, but the day was full. Two weeks in and she was already whipped trying to keep track of all the schoolchildren’s problems as well as her own. Her body was not used to the constant movement and it was never quiet. The students appeared in her office for every little thing. Honestly, she couldn’t understand why the teachers sent them down for some of the things she had to deal with: small scratches with no blood, banged elbows, a loose tooth, wanting a Band-Aid or a throat lozenge. It was nonstop, non-emergency traffic in her tiny office. But Bea was grateful. There was no better feeling than bringing in your own income. Her first paycheck dropping into her personal checking account was a satisfying accomplishment.

  Lonnie was giving her a hard time with proceeding with the paperwork for the divorce and Christmas was in a little over a week. It would be their first holiday without Awilda, Derrick, and Amare coming for Christmas brunch. Alana threw a fit when she realized that Awilda wasn’t taking her to see the tree lighting. Then the other night, Chico asked if he could go to Amare’s season opener basketball game and Bea had to tell him no.

  “Why? I’m old enough to go without you. Amare invited me.”

  “Not this time, sweetie.”

  “Why can’t Auntie Awilda pick me up on the way?”

  “She just can’t, all right?”

  “I’ll call and ask her.” He picked up his cell phone. Bea snatched it out of his hand.

&nbs
p; “Go upstairs. You have to learn to listen. You’re not grown.”

  “Can I have my phone back?” He pouted.

  “No. Now go.”

  He moped about it for two days and it added to Bea’s daily angst.

  * * *

  Dakota called her every night at 9 P.M. It was after the kids were in bed and she looked forward to the call like a second helping of dessert. His voice settled in her chest and loosened the phlegm from her day. From their conversations, she was learning not to worry so much about the future but to live and breathe in the present moment. On most days that was easier to hear than to practice but he lightened her mood and made her try.

  Irma was at the house more with Bea working and Lonnie gone. She was a godsend really, cooking two to three meals for them and doing a good portion of the laundry. On the evenings Irma stayed over, Bea would put the children to bed and after her conversation with Dakota, she and her mother would watch television together. One night Bea had not noticed her standing in the doorway of her bedroom while she was on the phone with Dakota.

  When she hung up, her mother looked her up and down and sucked her teeth. “I guess you need one man to take the taste of another man out of your mouth.”

  “Huh?”

  “I don’t approve.”

  “It’s not like that, Mami.”

  “Better not be.”

  * * *

  It was Thursday: her mother’s must-see TV night. Irma had just pulled a throw up to her waist and slipped the straw to her Coke into her mouth when Bea walked into the family room clutching a bowl of air popcorn.

  “Mija, you look terrible.”

  Bea didn’t really need her mother to tell her that. She hadn’t been sleeping well.

  “Want some?”

  Her mother reached for the wooden bowl. “You need to talk to Lonnie. Why throw away a good thing, baby? You’re killing yourself for no reason.”

  The fatigue from work did not compare to the bone tiredness she felt every time her mother tried to push her back into Lonnie’s arms.

  “Mami, give it a rest.”

  “Honey, you can’t keep this up. You don’t have to. If you ask, he’ll come back. I can see it in his eyes when he picks up the children. You’re being plain foolish. And Tia Marie agrees with me.”

  “Tia Marie? What?”

  “Just call the man.”

  Bea reached for the belt of her robe and tightened it. “Did you ever consider that I don’t want him back?”

  “Nonsense. You are just playing hard to get.”

  “Do you hear yourself?”

  “Do you see yourself? Dragging around here, trying to do it all when you don’t have to. You have a husband.”

  “Whatever.”

  “I wasn’t lucky enough to have a husband. And if I did, I certainly wouldn’t treat him like you are treating Lonnie.”

  Bea tried to bite back her tongue but it wiggled in her mouth. “I’m not going to accept a piece of a man, Mommy, even if it makes my life easier.”

  “Silly girl.” Her mother scooped up some popcorn. “Women have worked with less.”

  “That was your way. It’s not mine. Not anymore.”

  “How dare you?”

  Bea raised her voice. “How dare you? Do you realize that you’ve pushed me to be a floor mat for that man? You have taught me to eat his shit no matter what—”

  “Watch your mouth.” Irma sat straighter in her seat.

  “He’s cheated more times than you know.”

  “All men do.”

  “With Awilda.”

  Her mother looked as if she had seen her father’s ghost.

  “That’s not true.” She made the sign of the cross.

  “Why do you think she hasn’t been around? When’s the last time you’ve spoken to her?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Bea let that thought breathe and then hit her mother again. “Lonnie has a son in Miami.”

  Her mother patted her chest with an open palm.

  “Same age as Alana. Same name as Alonzo. I’m not putting up with him anymore just because he can provide, Mommy. Yes, this is hard but I’d rather work five days a week and struggle than live my whole fucking life miserable.”

  “I keep telling you to watch your mouth. What’s come over you?”

  “You! And all of your Roman Catholic ways! You should be telling me that the marriage vows need to be honored before God. But what should I expect from someone who spent fifteen years as a chick on the side?”

  “I was never a chick on the side. Your father loved me.”

  “But he was married. Had a whole family across town. Why did you even stay with him? You should have demanded more.”

  Bea didn’t even realize that her mother could move so fast until her palm crashed across her face.

  “Ungrateful little girl. The sacrifices I have made for you.”

  It was the second time that a woman had called Bea a little girl.

  “Sitting there on your throne judging me, like the women on our block. Calling me puta behind my back but smiling up in my face. You don’t know anything about trying to survive in a country that’s not your own. That’s what I’ve been sheltering you against your entire life. Maybe that’s where I’ve failed you. You were too sheltered. I should have let you see more of the world’s flaws.”

  Bea rubbed her cheek, unable to believe her mother had slapped her. Like she was a naughty teenage girl caught out after curfew. This was her house.

  “Yes, your father was married. He told me he was going to leave his wife and I believed him. I never planned to be his mistress; it just happened.” Irma’s eyes were wild with indignation. “And he was a good provider. You know how much I got paid as a school secretary? Thirteen thousand dollars a year. Just a smidge above the poverty line. I didn’t qualify for help from the government so I had to do what I needed to do to take care of you. Dance lessons, art, recitals, and costumes. None of that was cheap. None of it. So I needed your father just like you need your husband. Now if you want to throw him away because he was unfaithful, as all men are, then do it. I did what I did to survive and I have long stopped feeling guilty about it.”

  Bea looked at her feet. “I can’t.”

  “Fine. But know that women have had to put up with more for less.”

  “Not me. And not Alana. I will not pass this on to her. I’ll struggle alone and I will survive.”

  “Call me a cab.”

  Bea stood. “You don’t have to go.”

  Her mother walked to the back office behind the family room where she kept her stuff. Bea didn’t pick up the telephone to call the cab but she didn’t stop her mother from waiting for the one she had dialed—on the front steps—either.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Crush

  Christmas was only days away, traffic everywhere had been impossible, and Bea hadn’t shopped the way she had in the past for the kids because she’d been too busy with work. The school wasn’t near any stores or malls so when she had a free moment she ordered a few things online and had them sent to her mother’s house. Irma still wasn’t over their fight but she did sign for the packages and texted Bea when they arrived.

  Alana still believed in Santa Claus and Chico was a good sport at letting her believe. Bea had bought the Elf on the Shelf and Chico made it his business to hide it each night for Alana’s glee. Whenever Bea thought about all the work she had to do to prepare for Christmas, she wanted to eat the entire gingerbread house and then throw it all up. But she wouldn’t. She had long passed her twenty-one days of binge freedom and between that and the hot yoga she’d committed to twice a week, she had the gusto that she needed to keep going. The class had become like the vitamins she needed to feel good.

  When her mother stopped coming over, Joney offered to stay with the kids and feed them dinner so Bea could make it to yoga.

  “I know what you’re going through, kiddo.” Joney would smile and then push her mat into her ar
ms.

  On Saturday mornings, she and Joney would go to class together after Lonnie usually came to pick up the kids. This week Dakota was teaching the class and she had woken up excited to see him. Then Lonnie phoned and canceled because of a last-minute work engagement.

  “On a Saturday?” Bea argued.

  “It’s last minute.”

  “Sounds like a chick to me.”

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Same dude, different day.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means I don’t believe you. Why don’t you come for them later?”

  “Why are you stressing me? You have a date?”

  “Because I’m the one who will have to pick up the broken kid pieces.” She slammed down the phone.

  When she went into the playroom, Chico was on the Xbox and Alana was in the middle of a tea party. Bea told them the news.

  “Why isn’t Daddy coming?” Alana pouted. “He doesn’t want to be with me?”

  “It’s not that.”

  “But he promised.”

  “I know he did.”

  “Can I call him?”

  “He texted me that he’ll call you guys later, see?” Bea held up her phone. She needed to think of something to save the moment. “I have an idea. Get dressed and be downstairs in five minutes. I’ll set the timer.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “If I tell you it won’t be a surprise. Put on jeans and a sweatshirt.”

  The kids ran to their rooms. Bea found the farm that they had gone to last year to pick pumpkins and even though it was too late in the season for that, they could go on hay rides or something. She typed the address into the GPS system on her phone.

  “Ready? Time’s up,” she called to the kids.

  Alana walked in wearing purple jeans and a bright yellow and red sweatshirt.

  “Honey, that doesn’t match.”

  “But I want to wear it.”

  “Okay.” Not in the mood to argue about fashion. “Make sure you grab your hat and gloves. Chico, we are getting in the car.”

  Once everyone was strapped in, Bea backed out of the driveway, then she stopped to text Joney that she wasn’t going to class. When they got to Route 78, Chico ran his finger down Bea’s ponytail.