Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  Leeson was grabbing the notebook even before I could finish closing the door behind me.

  I headed back towards the entryway of the South Wing and let the guards know that I was walking up to the Headmaster’s office. They directed me to the North Wing, and assured me that Hemitath would be informed, as well as the checkpoints along the way. True to their word, the guards at the entry to the North Wing as well as the guards protecting the inner offices let me through with a friendly wave.

  Headmaster Hemitath’s office wasn’t what I expected at all. The outer office was little more than a small room with a couple of chairs to sit in, and a desk for the Headmaster’s Assistant. The assistant in question was an elderly elven woman with a nonplussed look and some paperwork on her desk. “The Headmaster will see you shortly.” she droned, and then promptly ignored me in favor of signing every page in a large stack of documents.

  To the credit of such efficient bureaucracy, it was only a few minutes before the inner door opened. “Send him in please.” came the soft request from within. Without standing, indeed without even looking at me, the assistant droned, “You can go in now.”

  Wondering about the minimum charisma requirements for working at the Arcane University, I rose and strode into the Headmaster’s office.

  What I saw, or to be more precise who I saw, stopped me in my tracks.

  “You!”

  The older elven woman chuckled. “Yes, ‘tis I, Levitation woman. You didn’t think I would believe a report about a genuine orcish magi without seeing him first hand, did you? Please close the door behind you and have a seat, mister Stonebender.”

  I carefully shut the door and then I sat in the lovely padded oak chair that was on this side of the Headmaster’s desk. I had to be sure: Petite in build. Pale of skin. Unmistakable gold eyes. This was indeed the ‘student’ that I helped with her Levitation spell many weeks ago.

  The Headmaster picked up a set of loosely bound pieces of parchment. “There are cookies in that jar if you would like one. I just need a minute to review your file.” Hemitath flipped through the notes, scanning them quickly.

  I took a few moments to glance around the room while my host was occupied. Her desk had a jar of bite sized butter cookies and frankly not much else upon it. I helped myself to one of them. The entire back wall was a bookshelf, unsurprisingly. To the right was a surface covered in black silk, looking almost like a seance table. But instead of candles and a brazier, a golden stand was set in the center. That stand held a crystal ball. To the left was a large habitat in thick glass. Peering back at me was an emerald tree boa. It was a lovely specimen, looking very healthy and about as long as I was tall. The snake took the time to poke its head above the glass and… did it just nod at me?!

  My surprised translated into a little jump. Hemitath looked up and followed my gaze, and then laughed. The sound was like fairies of pure mirth playing inside of a crystal singing bowl. “Please don’t choke on your cookie. That’s just Dutch saying hello. Silly girl. You can come out and play with Sorch next time.”

  If I had been a little disappointed by the lack of visible magic, that moment resurrected the butterflies in my stomach.

  The Headmaster retained her smile when that golden gaze refocused on me. “I’ve been on Panos for three hundred and seventy-one years, and I can honestly tell you that I’ve never read anything like your profile, mister Stonebender. So congratulations on that.”

  I finished chewing my butter cookie and then swallowed quickly. I murmured, “Thank you Headmaster.”

  The old elf continued, “You’ve had to overcome so much to be here. That absolutely factors into the equation. The desire to learn must be present, and it would be clear to even the least empathic person on my staff that you desire to learn. Other factors are magical talent, which will be tested this week, and magical history.”

  I nodded. “I’m happy to tell you anything you need to know.”

  The Headmaster smirked. It looked quite natural on her. “Oh, then you’ll be happy to know that Ames has already told me everything I need to know.”

  My eyes widened. “Ames? W-when? What did…”

  Hemitath held up one hand to calm me. “Relax young orc. I think you’ll find that when Ames is in love with you, bragging about your accomplishments is part of that deal, like it or not.”

  I blushed several shades greener. In love? I had hoped, but never asked. I tried to think of something to say, but the Headmaster continued before I could comment.

  “You’re clearly more accomplished than our first and second year students, particularly in the ways of battle magic. They’re hurling Magic Missiles while you’re conjuring Flame Blades and Acid Bolts… and dispatching evil in the process. But the most telling spell is the one that you used to create the ring that our were-cat friend was showing off.”

  I nodded slowly. “It felt like the right next step. My name never really made sense to me until I saw that spell. I knew right away that I needed to master it.”

  The elf agreed, “It was an excellent next step, and one that even a third year wouldn’t be able to incant. So in that way, your magical history would put you in with our advanced students in the West Wing. But I can’t ignore the obvious gaps in traditional magic. Your style needs to be translated into a common vocabulary, as it were. And all of the basics need to be covered.”

  My heart started to sink. This wasn’t sounding good.

  Hemitath held up a finger. “However. If you agree to accept a couple of extra classes in lieu of an elective specialization, I don’t see why you couldn’t pick up Magic Theory and Working Magic in parallel to more advanced studies. It means that you would remain a generalist for an extra year. Is that acceptable?”

  The word “Yes.” was out of my mouth in an instant.

  The Headmaster smiled and set down my notes. “Then pending your assessment this week, that is the level that we’ll aim for. If your practical exams go well, I’ll tailor a set of courses suitable to you. The starting of the academic year is in a few months. You just need to stay alive until then and not get incinerated on one of your foolish adventures.”

  I smiled at the old elven woman. “I will attempt to follow that instruction most ardently, Headmaster.”

  “Now. Tell me about your dreams. Not the one about your lover either.”

  I didn’t expect that question, but I was more than happy to share the contents of that particular nightmare with someone like Hemitath. If anyone might decipher that foreboding portent, it was her.

  I explained that in my dream, the Voodoo Engine syphoned everything from every orc, getting bigger and bigger until all civilizations were crushed. I told her that in the end, the Voodoo Engine crushed the entire world.

  The elven archmage nodded, as in if expecting to hear something like that. “I’m worried about a rising force of destruction in Panos. Yours is not the only portent that I’ve heard about, but it is the most… odd. Oddly specific at least. It could be because the Arcane Syphon represented a particular form of tyranny in your life. Or maybe it’s more than that. I’ll run it past my people and see what our research turns up.”

  After a relieved sigh, I nodded. “Thank you. It would be a load off of my mind.”

  Hemitath stood up and offered her small, pale hand. “We’re done here. You’ll be reviewing a list of spells that we believe may be appropriate for you. Said list includes the names of the professors that teach those spells. You’re being asked to select two spells known by a single teacher, who will become your mentor for the week. My assistant will give you the list on the way out. Study it and give us your answer in the morning. Welcome to the Arcane University.”

  I stood and shook the elf’s hand gently (at least for an orc). “I thank you for your hospitality.”

  As I was leaving, Hemitath noted. “Mister Stonebender. The walls are thick here, but I would appreciate that any… encounters with Ames be restricted to the feline’s room. Young lord Leeson’s parents wo
uld never let me hear the end of it if he observed any of that sort of thing.”

  I murmured an affirmative and slipped out of the Headmaster’s office before she could see me blushing yet again.

  The Headmaster’s Assistant was blindly holding a piece of parchment in front of her, as she continued to read a form on her desk. When I didn’t take it right away, she waggled it in the air, making her irritation clear. I quickly snatched the parchment and then headed back to my assigned quarters.

  When I entered room 214, I saw Leeson voraciously reading my journal. “Is Ames alright?” he asked, voice quavering a little bit. He hadn’t gotten to the recovery part yet.

  “Ames is fine.” I assured the young man, in soothing tones. I gently took the tome from my former student’s hands. “Upstairs, likely after enjoying a hot bath and some catnip. The whole crew is up there actually, save for me. We’re expecting an Arcane University bounty for some necromantic items that we found on our little adventure.”

  “Oh!” The young human put two and two together. “I knew Will was here, he stopped by. When I told him you were away, he left this.” Leeson reached over to the writing desk to get a scrap of parchment, which he handed to me.

  I unfolded and read the note aloud, for the human’s benefit.

  “Dear Sorch, the ring ended up being a Soul Trapper, one of the more nefarious devices available to a necromancer. The bounty for all of the items came to 3,000 gold pieces. Not counting what has already been split, and adding the value of the earth mage’s spellbook (after our commission), our take will be just over 4,000 gold. Your split as a junior partner is 450 gold coins. We’ll settle up when we reach civilization again, or you can make use of the University bank if we can get you registered as a chartered adventurer with them. I don’t see that as an issue. - Will”

  Leeson smiled at me when I finished reading. “450 gold. Is that good for your typical adventure?”

  I tossed the note back on the table. “Not sure to be honest, but it’s good for me. It also means I owe Shaman another 33 gold in next month’s shipment, since what I already sent doesn’t quite cover the split that I had in mind. But it’s a good problem to have.”

  We celebrated over lunch. As part of the celebration, the young human noble insisted that we had to consume something that was made from wheat and cocoa and milk. It sounded odd, but I gave it a try.

  That was when I discovered that I loved fudge cake.

  When Leeson headed off for his own interview, I took my afternoon nap. I expected that his return would wake me, but the lad snuck in quietly and allowed me to rest for two full hours. After waking, I started to prepare my meditation space.

  “Sorch, what kinds of questions did the Headmaster ask you?”

  I considered what I could tell the young nobleman. “Uhhh, you know, stuff and things. A lot of it ended up being personal. And you?”

  He opened his mouth, and then closed it again without saying a word. Finally he just agreed with me, “I guess ‘stuff and things’ covers it pretty well.”

  I snorted, amused. “Did you get the assignment to learn two spells this week?”

  Leeson nodded. “I’m happy to compare lists after you’re done with your enhancement.” He had seen me do this several times when he was my student, and politely forewent further conversation until I had refreshed my intellect.

  As it turned out, the spells I was being offered were a magnitude more difficult that the ones offered to Leeson. In the end he settled on Blink and Protection from Evil. They were taught by Professor Dunn, an expert in protection and escape from the elven city of Arbitros.

  I had decided on Max’s Message and Lightning Bolt, from none other than Max himself. My young human friend tried to talk me out of it.

  “Sorch, Master Max is somewhat of a legend in the magical community. If you’ll pardon my language, he’s a legendary dick.”

  I pursed my lips, considering. “I don’t see how his prowess in the bedroom has anything to do with-”

  Leeson cut me off, blushing all the while, “No, no, no. It’s an expression Sorch. It means he’s temperamental… actually it means he’s downright rude, and intentionally so. He’s going to be hard to work with.”

  I nodded slowly. “But he created the spell that I wish to learn. You of all people know how important that is.”

  The young noble threw his hands up in the air. “But you ended up being nice! Professional. Sure I didn’t know that at the time, but we know Master Max’s reputation already. You only have six days Sorch, are you sure it’s worth the conflict?”

  I seriously considered Leeson’s words. “I’m not sure. I could actually learn from one of the Headmaster’s former students, but the list of spells… they just don’t fit my personality. Counterspell? Hypnotic spells? Perhaps some day, but offense and communication are more important to me right now. Is that reasonable?”

  Leeson sighed. “Yes, I suppose. I’ll do a little research on Master Max in my spare time. It looks like I’m going to have an easier week than you will. If I discover anything that will help, I’ll let you know.”

  The next morning, each of the seventeen candidates was invited to declare their spell selection. We gathered in the East Wing’s main lecture hall. The six professors that had been listed were all waiting to see how many students they would be tutoring this week. I was the last to announce my choice.

  It was a fairly even distribution in the end, with each of the five Professors having between two and four students, and the single Master having none. That’s how I knew who Master Max was, as he was still standing alone in the front of the room. To be more accurate, he was sitting while everyone else was standing. Given his reputation, I probably could have guessed who he was from his attire: A dirty cotton shirt and farmer’s jeans, complete with suspenders. He seemed to be disinterested in the proceedings. The eighty year old, balding human looked like he was dozing off, if I’m being honest.

  Finally it was my turn. I stood up and said, “I choose Master Max to teach me Max’s Message and Lightning Bolt.”

  The old human nearly fell out of his chair. “What?!” he cried in disbelief. There was a general murmur in the crowd, and I received a lot of sympathetic looks.

  The Headmaster tried to bring proceedings to a close quickly. “That concludes the mentor selection process.”

  “Like the hells it does! I never agreed to this brand of idiocy. Is this a joke, Hemitath?”

  The elf tried to calmly reason with the wizened human. “Master Max, I assure you-”

  The old Master bellowed, drowning Hemitath’s voice out, “Is this a funny joke? Because if so, it’s in bad taste. This is how you want me to spend my valuable time? On that?” His boney finger pointed right at me. I was a little embarrassed to have been the catalyst for this public scene. But the embarrassment was quickly giving way to anger.

  Hemitath sounded angry herself, at this point. “Max, we can discuss this privately after we’re done here.”

  But the old mage was on a full boil, and he wasn’t stopping yet. He addressed me directly now. “Why don’t you pick one of these also-ran’s, and let me get some real work done, boy? I mean, come on! I’m not sure if you’re a sideshow attraction or just a clown. Which circus did you escape from, anyway?”

  “I think it’s next to the retirement community that you’re supposed to be in, you shrivelled old gasbag.”

  I didn’t realize who had said that until the sound of my own voice echoed back from the far corners of the lecture hall. There was a collective gasp, a couple of murmured prayers, and one of the gathered professors started applauding.

  The Headmaster laid down the law. “That is enough, both of you! The rest of the candidates and professors are dismissed. Sorch, I’ll see you privately. And then we’ll have a discussion, Master Max.”

  I waited while the majority of people filtered out. Leeson was staring at me as he walked past, as in if he thought I had gone insane. A burly brown furred were-
wolf, the professor that had been applauding I believe, made a detour on his way out to silently give me a pat on the shoulder.

  Hemitath beckoned me over with the quirk of a finger. I approached, head hanging a little bit. But rather than the expected dressing-down, the Headmaster simply murmured to me, “Are you certain that you want Master Max? That was Professor Gideon, he teaches out of the Destruction subset of magic. It is fairly clear that he would be willing to teach you Lightning Bolt and another combat spell of your choosing.”

  I seriously considered the alternative scenario on offer. But in the end I shook my head. “I think that Max’s Message is a better fit for my repertoire, Headmaster.”

  The elven woman patted my arm, gently. “So be it. Report to Master Max’s classroom in the West Wing tomorrow at ten in the morning. I’ll see to it that he’s waiting for you. Dismissed.”

  I nodded my thanks to the venerable elf, then departed the room without casting another glance at my chosen mentor.

  Not only was Leeson waiting for me when I returned to room 214, but my entire adventuring group had joined us as well.

  Questions ranged from ‘Are you okay?’ (thank you Leeson) to ‘Are you insane?’ (almost everyone else) to ‘Do you want me to kill him for you?’ (Ames, of course).

  I assured everyone that everything was fine, and despite my somewhat unwise outburst, I was going to make the most of the opportunity.

  Rick commented, dryly, “So you’ve chosen the most difficult mentor available, insulted and alienated him, and you still expect to get the job done.” It was a statement rather than a question.

  I wore a brave smile, but only had silence to answer the obviously troubling implications.

  The tall human sighed. “Let’s go folks, nothing to see here.”

  My friends filtered out, offering words of generic encouragement as they went. Soon I was alone with Leeson again.

  The young man was just standing there, shaking his head slowly.